My Lilly

I am not sure why sometimes there are moments where I miss Lilly and Ryker. I think it may have something to do with me sensing their sweet spirits as they come to check on us, and my heart and soul can sense that. I have been reading the doings of our cute little niece Morgan. Morgan and Lilly were born the same day, just a few hours apart from another. 

My sister-in-law and I were due just about a week and a half from another, and we ended up both having our babies the same day. Morgan is so sweet, but just growing up so fast. So sometimes when she hits those milestones, it is a bittersweet reminder of what I am missing. 

And as much as I know I will have her again someday, there is just no escaping the pains of missing her, and Ryker. Having Lilly was one of the hardest things I ever did. I went through 20 hours of labor in the hospital before having a c-section, and every minute and every day we had her, there was the constant worry that we would be saying goodbye to her. 

So today I mourn the little girl who made me a mom. I mourn the days I have spent away from her, and long for the days when I will see her again and hold her in my arms. So I leave you with a few pictures of my sweet girl. Love you Lilly.

Losing Weight

Anyone else hear a broken record in here? Anyone? Oh, that's right, it is just me. My adult life-long struggle has been weight. I still remember sitting through report on a mom (I work on a mother/baby post-partum floor) and having the nurse tell me how large the patient was. I was working with a nurse who was about the same height and size as me. When we left the patient's room, my co-worker said exactly what I had just been thinking "if she thinks she is huge, what does she think of me?" as this patient was just a slightly fluffier (and rightfully so 2 days post-delivery) version of the nurse and myself.

I had to laugh last week when I met with the gal who was signing me up for Anytime Fitness. She was super sweet. She asked if I was addicted to exercising. I chuckled and said "I wish." I looked down and just could not believe that she wondered that someone as chubs as I am could be addicted to exercising. I made some comment like "if I were addicted, I would not be so overweight." She looked at me, serious as could be, and said "I do not think you are overweight. You look perfectly healthy to me." I just kind of looked at her, thanked her for being kind, and finished filling out my form. Now I know I am obese. That's just the fact of the matter according to my BMI. But maybe it is like when I watch the show "What Not to Wear" and see these really gorgeous women with such low self esteem try to find clothes that they will be "happier" in and feel pretty. But what these women do not realize is how beautiful they already are. They do not see the potential that a good haircut and some basic make-up could have in their life, along with clothes that flatter their body types. It always makes me second guess me beating myself up because I am so over-weight. So I am wondering what an emotional toll this journey will have on me as far as feeling and seeing myself as healthy (just for the record, my blood pressure was 96/47 when I went to the doctor so being overweight does not equal me not being healthy, just as being skinny does not equate to someone being healthy.)

With our move to 30 miles south of where we had lived before, I no longer had a gym to exercise at. And I do better going somewhere to exercise, and quite honestly, having to pay makes me that much more accountable. So I joined the Anytime Fitness, and I have a feeling it will be a tremendous blessing. And it is only 4 miles down the road, and like the name, I can exercise ANYTIME! I have been working on my eating. I have many imperfect moments still with food, but I will not let those moments define me as a failure. I found a really inspirational blog via Pinterest. Now this momma swears, but I love her style of writing and she makes me laugh, while providing me with the inspiration to really do this.

A few of you may have read the weight-loss blog that I write on sporadically. But for convenience (and for support and accountability) I am going to be posting on here about this weight-loss journey, from time to time. I have been using My Fitness Pal, so if any of you already use that, maybe we could be weight-loss buddies (my user name is eevg.)  I am making a short term goal of losing 30 pounds for now, and than I will go from there. I started at 242, and am down at 237 this week. I know that is a lot of weight, trust me. I kind of cringe to even share this. But I know this is a step I have needed to make for some time.

I love these funny little boys. These are a couple random pictures I found on the phone. The skunk hat gets played with, a lot. We even put it on our poor dog from time to time. He is a good sport about it thankfully. We have been stuck in the house for the last two weeks, and after 4 days of being on an antibiotic, my boys are finally doing a lot better. Collin was only a little sick, but we went ahead and put Collin on the antibiotic. Jacob has unfortunately suffered from the the ill effects that antibiotics can have on your stomach, so I am looking forward to having him off the antibiotic at the end of next week.

So truly we have been in survival mode the last 2 1/2 weeks. I have been going cabin crazy and now that they are doing better, we are looking forward to celebrating the beginnings of summer, as it is so beautiful outside! 

So not much happening otherwise. And I just wanted to comment on my last post. I was not trying to come off as someone who does not like being a mom. I just wanted to say that although it has taken me a tad bit longer to really grow a love for the daily ins and outs of being a mom, I have always felt nothing but gratitude for the calling. My boys are my world. I feel strange when I am away from them, and count the moments until I can see them again. I hope I did not hurt or insult anyone. I could not be happier to spend my days taking care of Collin and Jacob.

Motherhood

As you know, becoming a mother was certainly not a simple for me. It has always been something I wanted, but honestly and truly, I am not sure if I ever really understood it. When Mike and I decided that we both wanted to start a family, I was already pregnant with our sweet daughter Lilly. I had felt the need to start our family about 7 months before I became pregnant, but it took Mike until that first pregnancy test (or 3-4 as we were in utter unbelief) to realize it was something he wanted too. (The guy was in such shock that he honestly believed the pregnancy tests were broken, that he even tried one out himself. Good news he was not pregnant also!) When we found out all we were facing with Lilly, and than we were able to have her for those 5 glorious weeks, and than losing her and not being a mom any longer (at least it felt that way), it was really very strange and so very hard. I missed her so much, but all at the same time, I was so happy to sleep again, which made me feel even worse ( Lilly did not sleep much her 5 weeks on this earth as she had a ton of seizures 24/7, which meant not a lot of sleep for Mike and I.)

When Ryker came along, and we found out all we were facing, I wanted so badly to keep him safe and protect him. When I saw him after his 6 hour open heart surgery, I honestly wanted to be sick because I honestly could not believe I had just allowed someone to do that to my sweet newborn baby. And his whole 7 weeks were again filled with sleepless nights (pumping and calling PCMC at all hours of the night to check on him), and the constant worry, and the annoyance of feeling like he was more the nurses' baby than my own, even when I would try to do all I could to be his mom, but I just felt broken in the mom department. When his little stomach was torn at 3 weeks, and there were massive amounts of blood pouring out of him from both ends, and I was assisting in trying to clean up the blood pouring from him, with everyone rushing around, I could not believe that Heavenly Father had this in mind when he gave the insight that our little family needed to grow. And when we told the doctors and nurses that it was time to stop the life-saving measures on Ryker a few weeks after his little tummy had been torn and than repaired, that it was time for Mike and I to hold our baby and say goodbye, I again wondered if this would be my journey in motherhood: never having a baby to keep and raise on this earth.

I felt so broken after. I wondered if it would just be Mike and I in life. It was beyond hard to see other friends and family having babies and being pregnant. I cried a lot. And than we had the push into adoption, of a mom wanting us to have her baby. She changed her mind in the end, and I was actually working in the nursery the day the mom delivered and I remember looking at my almost son and realizing that none of the feelings I had with my babies were there for this baby.

I remember being at work, and getting the call about Collin. I was a mess. And the next 5 weeks were such a whirlwind, and we almost gave up. I remember driving away from St. George, just crying, that we would lose the little baby who we knew should be our son. I remember Mike saying "we don't need this, we have been through enough." And I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to move on, but than looking at that little boy's picture and realizing that I had to fight. So we made record time on becoming foster-care certified, and he became ours. Being a mom to Collin was really hard. I loved him so much, but he did not know our voices, or our smells, and he was quite the angry little baby at night those first 4 months. And although I loved being his mom, I did not 100% love being a mom. I missed the sleep, missed the quiet (Collin was really very colicky,) and I did not have those 9 months of little flutters and kicks to get to know him. So in a sense, there was adjustment time, and boding time, that developed and grew with each day but that were not there from the absolute moment we brought him home.

And than Jacob came along, and about 5 of the months I was pregnant with Jacob, I did not really get to be much of  mom to Collin. I was so sick at first, and than I was battling for my baby's life, and than placed on bed-rest. And to be honest, he seemed so much happier being with everyone else but his mom, that I once again questioned my ability to be the mom I had hoped I would be.

After Jacob was born, and after he was finally able to come home, we spent the next 6-7 months being very sleep-deprived and exhausted with worry as Jacob was just so sick those first 6-7 months.  But it seemed like once the 13-14 month mark hit, I began to be better, as I began to be less sleep-deprived. My days were not so sad, and there was more happiness to be had. I realized that after 6 years of worrying as to whether I was a good mom or not, that what really mattered was not what I had originally thought to be what was important. What mattered were Collin and Jacob, and being the best mom to them  My darling little boys did not love me any less if the house was perfectly clean. They did not love me any less when I would swear, or yell, or cry. They just loved me because I was the one who was there to put them to bed, I was there to give them baths, and read them books, and play and be silly with them. They loved me because I would put on music and dance with them, and kiss their boo-boos when they got hurt. They loved me because I loved them, and that is what made me a good mother. Being the best mom did not include being perfectly "natural" in all aspects of my life, or never having a moment where I lost it, or doing every activity I found on Pinterest. I am not knocking the super-moms out there. That is not how I roll. I just am trying to say that although I am not perfect as a mom, I am the perfect mom to Collin and Jacob, because they are mine and I am there mom.

I am not sure how long it takes women to enjoy motherhood, but I have found that in the last few months that I actually love being a mom. I am not saying I did not enjoy being a mom, but I honestly could not have said I loved it. For the longest time, I could not see how someone could be a stay-at-home-mom, as the idea for so long sounded crazy and just not what I wanted. Part of being a good mom is being selfless. We give and give of ourselves, only having a few small moments of peace and quiet, and a lot of days I am praying Mike will be home early. But I am finally to the point where I love and enjoy motherhood. I love being Collin and Jacob's mom. Seriously, I sometimes wish I could be home with them all the time (with maybe a day of work every other week just so I can talk to some adults!) It is the hardest but yet most rewarding jobs that I was not sure for awhile I would ever love.

Does this mean I will never lose my temper with my little guys, or that my house and life will always be just perfect? Nope, because I know that while I am working on the imperfections, I am still just as imperfect as ever. But what I can do is continue to be the best mom I can be, and not by anyone else's standards beside my own. Well, sorry for the novel. And I hope I was able to share my thoughts in a manner which you can understand. I hope I am not crazily alone in this. I think there would have to be someone out there that has the guilt of maybe not loving being a mom, and yet still adores her kids and would do anything in the world for them. i am off to bed, as Jacob is just barely starting to feel better.

So after surviving the move and finals, all in the same week, we are finally settled into our new place. We love living in a small town. This is the first time for Mike, but not my first small town living experience. We love our town house, love the beauty of the mountains, love passing fields and farms as we drive home, and the clean air and the smell of rain on the wild sweet grass. It was a smell I had almost forgotten after 10 years of living in a city. It is interesting driving into work, and seeing the smog cloud I did not even realize that we lived in. Our new ward is wonderful, although we have only been once because unfortunately the boys were sick (we have had colds all week, and for some reason, last night the boy's became worse.) So we have not made a lot of friends yet but we have only been here two weeks. It is a tremendous blessing to have a home with lots of storage, because it is that much easier to clean and keep clean. This is one of my favorite spaces, the toy room/play area.

I have always wanted a toy room for the boys. But with the homes we have lived in, it just was not possible. So when I started planning the layout of rooms and what furniture we would put in each room I made a decision to have one. When my Grandma lived in the house, she had the dining room right behind her living room. This would be fine, but my Grandma has carpeting in this space, which food and carpet do not go well together. So I made a decision to put the kitchen table in the kitchen, and actually I love having a little less space in my kitchen, because the pay-off of having my boys in the kitchen while I make dinner, as well as not having a tv in our dining space, and thus allowing the space for my boys to have their own play area is just a tremendous benefit to our little family. I will get pictures of the boys room posted as soon as I get them finished. We painted their rooms before we moved in. Jacob's is a linen color, and Collin's is a light blue-gray. Pictures will be coming in the next week or two.

 Jacob has mastered the stairs in the first day and half we started living here, which he now loves going up and down. He has started walking a few steps, but still seems unsure of himself when left to walk alone. His vocabulary seems to increase each day. My favorite new word is "hello." He has said "hi" for awhile, but the hello cracks me up. When we talk to our family on the phone, they always think they are talking to Collin as Jacob learns new words and sounds more and more grown up. The people from the early intervention (it's called Kids Who Count) came this last week and could not believe how well Jacob gets around and they hinted at Jacob not needing their services much longer.

Mike has always worried about Jacob. He has always rocked while in chairs or seated on the couch (which is something my brothers, my dad, and my uncles did/still do) and covers his ears when the blow dryer is going or the vacuum is running. But he talks, moves, and goes up to complete strangers to be held, and loves to be cuddled. So I asked the evaluators what they thought, and they actually laughed. Apparently he is as far from autistic as possible, which really helped ease some worry with Mike. I was not actually that worried, as I have worked with Autistic children and adults and Jacob did not fit into the description of being autistic. Along with Jacob turning 18 months, he has started some tantrums when he does not get what he wants or if he is tired. He saw his doctor this week for a well-child visit and we took this video. Apparently Collin taught his brother how to say "cheers" and then click their cups together. I did not know they even knew how to do this, so this was a new experience for me. And apologies for it being sideways!

Collin can drive us nuts one moment and than just be cute and hilarious the next minute. He is kind of sneaky, as he sneaks snacks that are up in the cupboard or on top of the fridge, or by taking our phone and hiding so he can play games on it. He scared me this week, hiding behind some boxes in a closet and not responding to my calls, as I went running outside, sure he had snuck out, sans bra and shoes (I had a shirt on at least.) After 15 minutes of me calling his name while having a panic/asthma attack, he finally reappeared, much to the delight of my neighbors and myself. Worst. Feeling. Ever.  Ugh, I hope I never experience that again. There is nothing more terrifying than thinking your child is gone. The sweetest phrase Collin has learned since moving is telling those he loves that he misses them. When I work the two days a week I work, he will tell me on the phone "I miss you." And he told me this morning, "But I need Tatum, and Grandma, and Papa, and Grandma and Grandpa Gourley." He definitely needs his family close by. He is learning so much each day, and teaching Mike and I even more. We love our little boys so much, and are so grateful to take the summer off and spend time as a family.

I have been missing Lilly and Ryker, as I sort through boxes and find little things that were theirs. It is crazy that they would have been 5 and 6 this year. I would be getting Lilly ready for Kindergarten, which has that bittersweet feeling. What is crazy is that had Lilly lived, and if Ryker had lived, we would have had two very high-risk little ones. I am grateful that they are able to escape the hate and evils of this world, as I grow more and more terrified for Collin and Jacob, and what they will face. I am grateful for the knowledge we have of ways to safeguard our family. Someone brought up a beautiful fact in our church meeting last week, that because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is family-centered, we have programs already in place to teach our children correct principles through theses days where confusion seems to abound, and we are already aware that their is an ever-present attack on family-time. So I am grateful for the principles it provides me to hopefully make the difference in my children.Anyways, I will post more again soon, as it is late and I need to get to bed!  :)