Bringing C Home!!!

We got the call, and we are going to get him Thursday morning!!! We are heading down tomorrow and than will be heading back with our son Thursday afternoon. I am so grateful to the amazing caseworkers and so grateful to everyone who has been keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful to our sweet angels, and feeling them especially close to us yesterday and today. I have been really stressed and patience has been non-existant (not to mention, a lovely affect of being a woman came and brought some super fun hormones!) It was neat this morning, and even yesterday. I kept feeling like we would find out today, but I was too scared to get my hopes up. But it literally felt like Lilly and Ryker kept coming and just kept letting us know that it would happen. Someday, when we are reunited with them, I would like to know if really and truly it was them there with us. I feels like it, so strongly. They bring a different kind of peace. But I guess it is something I will just have to believe and not see for right now. They want the couple who has been taking care of C to have some transition time. If it were up to me, I would have him tomorrow. But I will have to patient just one more day. We truly understand what it is like to say goodbye to someone that you have cared for the last 5 1/2 weeks of their life. You see, Lilly was 5 1/2 weeks when we had to say goodbye to her, and she entered the embrace of loving family and her loving Heavenly parents. It is hard, but life continues. Anyways, we will update through Twitter, while we are down there. Thank-you again for all the prayers. We are being blessed with a miracle!!!

Super-Funny Mom with a Fun Giveaway!!!

Do you want to be entered to win a super cute swimsuit from ModBe (they make REALLY cute swimsuits and they even cover up any of the unforgiving parts of your body!) If so click here, and visit this Mom's super-funny and fun blog!

Just Waiting.

I wish I could say that we know when we will be able to go and bring home C, but we do not. I am praying for it to be this week, and feel that it really could be, but I am TRYING to not get my hopes up (pretty much though, too late!) I am packing our bags, and will have everything ready for us when the call comes. I guess we pretty much treat this like we are about to have a baby, just not knowing when it will happen, just a general idea of when it might. So we will let you when we get the word. Just PLEASE pray that hearts will be softened that the workers will push our paperwork through QUICKLY!!! Up till this point, I was REALLY frustrated with the 4 day state work-week. But the thought came to me today that although it does shorten the week, it also gives the workers more time during the day to get the paperwork completed. Thank-you all for your support. I am on the edge, just waiting. And the prayers help to ease how hard the wait is!
P.S. The diaper bag came today!!! Mike is not at all impressed, but I LOVE it!!! It is cute, ton's of pockets (it even has a key latch so that you never have to lose your keys again!) I can not wait to be able to use it (did I mention that it is also treated so that it is water and stain repellent?!) It so far has been the best part of my week (although, I am hoping it is not the only highlight, awaiting news of a much bigger event that would THRILL me, or better us!)

Learning Something New

Well pretty much, what I have is something viral, and just simply feel like crap from it. I am praying that this goes away VERY soon, but hopefully our house will be healthy soon. That being said, I just wanted to share a way that will be easy for everyone to stay updated amid trips to Southern Utah. There is a lot of technology that is new, and a lot of it I do not always grasp. I joined Twitter awhile ago, but somehow managed to forget my account. So I created a new one. (For those of you already on Twitter, our name is "the G fam" and you can follow us through Twitter.) You wonder, why Twitter? The best and most useful feature of Twitter (for us) is that we can send updates, via our phone, and let you know what is going on (remember how when we are down in Southern Utah and we can not usually update until we get back, well, that will no longer be a problem!!!) So here's what you can do. You can join twitter and follow the ins and outs of our life (I know, yawn!) or to the left hand side, there is a running update. When we text to twitter (or update through our online Twitter), you will be able to see the update right there! So here I go, one more step toward becoming more technologically savvy!

Can't Sleep

So, here it is, 6:00 am, and I have been WIDE awake since 2:00 am. Why, you would have to ask, are you awake? Could it be because although I thought I was getting better (helped move family yesterday, went to my Best Friend's Wedding, out to eat with sister and another best friend) and just really thought we were getting back to normal and healthy again. Well, at 2:00 am I awoke to horrendous pain in my ear, my head, and just aching all over. Thanks to a bit of IBprofen, I am not tossing back and forth in bed anymore, or praying for daylight to come and the pain to leave (I seriously almost considered having Mike take me to the hospital. That is how bad it hurt!) I embraced my lack of sleep and pain, and decided to get up, get online and figure out when the instacare opened (I WILL be their first customer this morning) because pretty sure I have probably have either an ear infection, a sinus infection, or maybe even strep (was really contemplating the symptoms of meningitis, but ruled that choice out!) Because I know there is NO way that I would be getting anymore sleep, I got online. Boy was that the best step (BTW, currently counting down the time to when I get to go and wake up Mike to take me to the said instacare!) I have been online reading about some AMAZING people. When you lose a child, you become part of pretty special club. Not a club you want to be in, but a club that is full of empathy, where there are people that will mourn with you and truly can empathize with what you are going through. Oddly enough, as much as I hate having to be part of the club, I am always searching for others that understand what we have been through. I wanted to share a couple. Here are their links, and I would elaborate on their stories, but I could do no justice. So if you have a little bit of time, their stories, although very sad and tragic, are stories of survival and gratitude. The first is a little boy names Daxton. Click here to read his story. The next is another little boy named Sage. Their loss is more recent, and so it is a new pain. The third blog is not about loss, but I have a feeling that after reading about the other two sweet angels, you will love reading about this amazing little girl Mia .This little girl is so adorable and full or spirit and love. We have a soft spot in our home for heart heroes, especially those who have had transplants and are miraculously here. This love stems from being next door to a little heart hero, at Primary's while Ryker was alive (we love you Kaidence!) So if you have a little time, visit these blogs. They are amazing people, and I feel better sharing a small window into their lives.
The one last thing I wanted to share that is so odd about blogs: it is a very odd occurence to know someone through their blog. I have met several people lately that up till that moment, have only known them through the on-line world. It is weird to put a face with a blog, and to physically talk to someone that you feel you know so well. Maybe it is just me, but it definitely is an different experience! So hopefully my next post will be Monday, hopefully having a little better idea of when we can maybe bring C home!

My Best Friends Wedding

And no, not the movie. When I moved to Utah my senior year of high-school, I made some best-friends (and they still are!) When I started going to what we LDS people call a singles-ward (it is a ward for those in a specific area that are all single and are under 32 or 33, not sure which) I made two AMAZING friends. Oddly enough, one also grew up on the East Coast (she is my bestie Jennie) and the other was my best friend Bryan. I still remember falling asleep (along with Jen and Bryan) on Bryan's Mom's massive family room couch, and waking up at 5 am and Jen and I driving home. There were NEVER romantic feelings, just pure friendship (the coming home at 5 turned to 2 am after a couple of months, because my Dad asked that I could please come home at least before he got up at 4, so he did not have to be worry about me lying dead in a ditch somewhere. Sorry Dad!!!) Bryan is an amazing dancer. A lot of our activities were finding some dance to attend (have I ever mentioned I LOVE to dance, and with a great dancer, can move pretty well!) Bryan was there for all my guy woes, and really cheered Mike and I geting together. (I also loved that my best guy friend also drove a convertible, lot's of fun there!) After Lilly passed away, Mike and I went to his work party and Bryan was there to teach dance moves. After the instruction, I danced a ton with Bryan, and all of Mike's co-workers kept asking Mike if that guy (Bryan) knew that I was married. Mike chuckled and just told them Bryan had been there long before he was. Today, the last of my best friends got married. We barely know his sweet wife, but we know already tht we will love her, because Bryan does (recent events have made for a crappy social life!) I want to wish amazing luck to Bryan and Rebecca! I am grateful that so many blind dates did not work out, and that he is able to find what the rest of us have found, pure and amazing love! (What is odd, is that I really only have three more weddings to attend: my adopted sister Mags, my own little sister, and Mike's little brother.)
P.S. You know I will be on the phone first thing Monday morning to learn if anything more is known about us bringing little C home, this week. Also, there is some talk of our cute little niece coming home maybe this week. I think C and Gracie are in a race to see who gets to come home first!

The Waiting Game

This waiting game we are in: it sucks. It is hard, it hurts, and I wish it was over. I wish I was awake right now, feeding little C instead of just having the case of "I can't sleeps. My mind won't stop." How I wish I was the lucky on getting up to change a wet diaper, or feed a hungry little guy (have I mentioned that he is growing rather quickly?) I wish I was the one who was getting all the smiles and maybe some coos. It hurts, and I wish it did not have to. I am starting to believe that it may not be till our "appointement/meeting" (or maybe even after?) on the 8th of April that we will be able to bring him home. I was wandering the baby section of Target, (as I often do) and there were some funny little First Easter outfits, but I could not bring myself to buy anything like that, because the last time we bought him a holiday outfit was for St. Patrick's day, (which we were able to dress him in) but it just hurt to have to think we would not be able to really enjoy it. I know I should be grateful that he will be ours, but I never knew the waiting would be so hard or so long. I think some of my frustrations stem from being house-bound because of sickness this last week. I HATE being sick, and I hated Mike being sick too. But that's life, right? My buggest thing to look forward to right now (because it is the one vice that will not fail me) is awaiting the arrival of the cute and chic little Oi Oi diaper bag (and if you google Oi Oi, you will realize how sinful I was in lusting after the cute bag!) Anyways, I am off to blog-land for hopefully some uplifting stories and tales. Good-night!
*P.S. I am pretty needy right now, I will admit it. So please leave me some upbeat and positive comments and cheer us on. We are trying so hard to not lose hope or faith, or get discouraged. So as one of my E-BFF put's it: Validate me!

Remember?

Remember how E.R. tonight was an episode about heart defects and adoption, and how those two topics are VERY dear to my heart, and I sniffled a bit? Good times.

An Odd Request.

This is a very odd request. Because of some of our birth-mom's previous history, we worry a lot about providing C the best start. When we put in our papers for adoption, it was right around the same time a friend from work adopted and was actually doing a lot of the baby's feeds from breast milk (from her own through induced lactation.) I had contemplated this same thought, that maybe it would be beneficial to try to produce some milk once we were chosen. My biggest problem is that (this might be TMI, but oh well) I had a breast reduction when I was 19, and I only pumped with Ryker (for the seven weeks he was alive) and at the most I would get 1/2 an 0z per pumping session. This is nothing, for those of you without the knowledge of how much is usually pumped. We have an awesome friend, that also had a son the same time C was born, who is going to donate some milk to help supplement. What I am asking is that for anyone out there who knows someone with either extra milk or maybe a Mom with a huge storage of breast milk that will not be used. So I am asking for milk. I have joined a milk-share group, but there is no one in Utah and shipping is kind of pricey. So if you know anyone, or have any personally, could you let us know? Please do not think I am weird. I am DEFINITELY not asking for a wet-nurse, just someone willing to share some extra milk. I know there are milk banks, but I also know how expensive breast milk is through the banks. So if you can help a soon-to-be Mom out by trying to give her baby the best start (also, our family is kind of full of sickies and breast milk carries immune agents that help to build a strong immune system!) Thank-you, and our e-mail is littleforeverfamily@gmail.com.

Simple Beauty.

You see this diaper bag above? At work, we see a HUGE variety of diaper-bags. Some are unimpressive, and are simply just that, something that screams "I am a diaper-bag!!!" Than there are the others. You know which ones I am talking about. The beauty below is one of those: a delicious workmanship that you have to wonder: is it REALLY a diaper bag? That is my point. Exactly. I have lusted after this beauty because it can double as both a diaper bag, and a beautiful accessory that can be used as my purse!I have drooled for a long time, and since Mike knew how stressful things have been, he is so sweet and finally bought(caved)this beauty for me! Love it! Thanks sweetie! Love you!!!


P.S. Still REALLY interested in ideas for a baby-book that is geared toward either adoption or does not focus on pregnancy and birth! Thanks!

A Weird Day

Mike is on the mend, still not 100% better (or even 50% better of you ask me) but definitely feeling better. The crummy part is that last night, I came down with a fever and have been sick now (the beautiful things you share when you are married!)So the doctor also put me on an antibiotic. We will see how that goes. We are still waiting for the word to go and get our little boy, and just trying to relish in the joy of being together (better yet, having to deal with waiting to bring our sweet boy home, and than trying to deal with being sick, both at the same time!) My question to anyone out there: does anyone know if there is a memory fill-in book out there that is kind of geared towards an adoptive baby/child? I've googled and shopped, but have only found ones that talk about the "first time I felt you move" or "how I told your Dad that you are pregnant" and fill-ins like that. Kind-of disappointed, but it is not the end of the world. Anyways, if anyone has any ideas (other than doing one from Shutterfly or such) that would be greatly appreciated! Thank-you all for your support. We just cannot wait to bring C home.

Let the Good Times Begin.

Poor Mike, he is doing everything he can to avoid going to the hospital. So we see the doctor once, sometimes twice a day for Mike to get shots of antibiotics. He is also on some pretty strong meds to kick the pneumonia's butt. He is pretty weak, and still has a bit of ways to go before he is going to be really well again. I've slept on the couch two nights in a row, so that Mike can sleep(cough) through the night (or maybe better that at least one of can sleep!) We had an inspection today to make sure our home is livable (did I mention that the sweet guy did come about 30 minutes early) but he was such a kind-hearted man and we passed with flying colors! I really do not think it will be longer than a week, but we just do not know. So anyways, thank-you for your prayers. There are such a strength to us through this time. We can not wait to bring little C home, and start to bond and share some firsts with him. Even though it will not be some of his firsts, it will firsts for us. So we are ready to bring him home, to be able to be his Mommy and Daddy. Hopefully, thinks will fall into place and he will be with us this time next week!

What a Day!!!

Remember this handsome guy that I am privileged to be married to? Remember how this amazing man is the most wonderful father and is incredibly patient with me? Remember how he has been pretty sick since the morning that we got to see our little C? Yeah, that would be the same guy who was diagnosed with a lovely case of PNEUMONIA this morning?!?! Remember how Emily was already at wit's end and felt like she could take nothing more and now she has a super-sick husband that is MISERABLE?!?! But remember how we have some AMAZING people who are super supportive and that because of them, we pretty much will have little C come next Monday or Tuesday? Seriously, if you ever are in a predicament like ours, she is the gal to have, fighting on your side! That little news makes our day. Now I am off to clean some more and take care of my super-sweet hubby. Also, our niece is pretty sick, so prayers would be GREATLY appreciated for her and her family.

Where Can I Turn For Peace

With everything Mike and I have been through, one of my greatest sources for peace is the hymn "Where Can I Turn For Peace?" I used to hum it on the way to work (when I worked nights) and it truly just speaks peace to my soul.

"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end."

I feel like I am back at the hospital with Ryker, and just keep thinking "when will this all come to an end? When will we finally be able to bring our little guy home?" It is hard, but at the same time there is a lot of peace. Amidst the turmoil, we can feel the strength of prayers. I am hoping that come Monday, we will have a better idea of when we will be able to bring our little guys home. For now, I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of everything. Easier said than done, right?

A Time and Place to Be Open.

I am apprehensive about sharing openly about all that is going on, but I am at the point where I have had it and am fed up with everything. So, I think I am going to start a separate blog about the legalities and frustrations of this situation. I am not sure how many read my blog on a day to day basis, but I will make THAT blog private (NOT THIS ONE), which only allows for 100 readers. It is hard to say "well you can read about what is going on, but the rest of you can't." I know those of you who comment regularly, and I would be happy to invite the regular, open readers. And I think I will just have to go with my gut after that, to know who to trust. So for those of you who read and comment regularly, either leave your e-mail addresses or you can e-mail them privately to our email, littleforeverfamily@gmail.com. My biggest worry is having more than a hundred readers and hurting some feelings. Please do not take offense, everyone will understand better at some point, just not right now. Thanks.

Very Hard.

One of my biggest pitfalls in life is patience. I am notorious for doing things on a whim, and when I am told I need to be patient, I HATE it. I'm not sure why it is taking so long to get all the paperwork so that we can get our sweet boy, but it is. He will a month on Sunday, and it hurts that I have only been able to see him for one hour of that whole month. It is frustrating being told originally that it would only take two weeks, and having that two weeks turn into an additional two weeks, and than just having them say they do not know when the paperwork and everything will be completed, we just have to be patient. I just want to scream! Why does this have to be so hard?I feel like I am at whit's end for being patient! I am trying to distract myself, but I am finding it hard to focus on anything else than making this happen! Grrrrrrr!!! I think Heavenly Father is tiring of hearing my whining, and I am trying so hard to not, but it hurts. It sucks that this hurts so much. I know that if there is no pain, there is no growth. But I swear this pain of losing our first two kids and having to be "patient" and wait for the paperwork to come through hurts, and it hurts bad. I'm going to stop whining now, because I am so grateful for our little guy. I just wish with all my heart he was here, in our home, being loved by us and getting to know us, the people who are going to be his parents. It feels better venting, so now I am going to take this frustration and put it to use by unpacking and cleaning some more.

Not What We Expected, but Still So Good.

Wow! The last two days have been intense, and it honestly feels like we have been gone a week. The "meeting" with the two sides occurred yesterday. It was an hour long, and we were pretty drained after. It was not in our favor, per-say, but we do still get our precious boy, we are just going to have to be patient while the paperwork is finished. We wish we could explain, but just know that someday the complete story will be shared, when C is ours for good. We stayed down an extra night to relax, and just have a little couple time, because it is coming quickly to an end. We are hoping that we do not have to wait longer than a week, maybe two at the most, to be able to bring him home. When he was placed in our arms today, it was the most humbling experience. He will be ours, but right now he is with the nicest and sweetest couple. They are taking AMAZING care of him, and he is truly happy. He is the cutest, smiliest little guy. He loves to be cuddled and snuggled, and were more than obliging for the time we got to be with him. It is killing Mike not to be able to openly share the pictures, but just know he has a ton of dark hair, he is short and chubby, and he really just melts your heart. We smothered him with kisses and loves, got to change his diaper a whopping three times, and even got to feed him. His "Mom" and "Dad", (they will forever be the parents who took care of him and loved him first until he does come home with us) are so wonderful, made a scrapbook for us of his first few weeks, have the clothes he came home in for us, and have videos and cd's of pictures for us. We could not ask for better first parents. Thank-you for the prayers. We absolutely could feel the peace and we were able to be strong. Our prayers are now directed to seeing that the paperwork comes through quickly and we can get everything completed to have him with us as soon as possible. We will update, as soon as we know anything!

Very Emotional and a Sweet Angel

Just wanted to express my sincere condolences to the Haws family. Their little girl Mercydez passed away this morning. She reminded me of our Lilly and was the sweetest thing ever. Ashley and Nic, we love Mercydez and are gratefulto have met her. Our lives are better because of her. We love you and are praying for you!

Yesterday was a pretty neat day. We had adoption training for 8 hours, and although pretty long (and my bum actually went numb from sitting so long) it was a pretty neat day. There was a panel of adopted children ranging from 14 to 30, there was a panel of adopted parents, and to top it off, there was a panel of birth mothers. I am in angst about going down to southern Utah tonight for our "meeting" tomorrow. I really have a lot of peace and truly have felt the spirit so strong the last 2 1/2 weeks. But even with a lot of peace, I can also feel a battle being waged between peace and despair, and that the doubts and fears are just ready to bring us down. We are hoping to bring baby C home tomorrow (or Tuesday) but we are trying our best to not get our hopes up. The biggest highlight for me is being able to have breakfast with a dear friend and fellow angel mom that I have never physically met, but feel such a strong connection too. Our little boys were born not to far apart from each other and her little angel Wyatt was born heart healthy but very unexpectedly passed away from a virus that infected his heart and caused him to go into failure. They are an amazing family and a great support to many. Oh how full my heart is! I can not begin to express the gratitude we feel for the many prayers. Tomorrow is a huge day, and is daunting to think that so much will be decided. And these decisions have immediate impact upon our family. So remember us. Our "meeting" is tomorrow at 1:00 pm. So wish us luck, and we will post as soon as we get home. All our love and appreciation to each of you. The best is truly yet to come. We are also asking for prayers for sweet Grace. She is puzzling the doctors and we are all ready to have her home. So lots of prayers, and just know we are so, so grateful to all!

What a week (or better, 2 1/2 weeks!)

I cannot believe how much our world has changed in the last 2 1/2 weeks. If you have told me that we would be about to adopt a little boy and would be going down a third time to Southern Utah in less than two weeks I honestly probably would have laughed. We found out that our meeting to decide how we will bring C into our home has been moved from Tuesday to Monday. It is crazy, and a bit more stressful, but at the same time it is better to just know. The beauty is that we have some pretty impressive people on our side, and I just want to say how AMAZING LDS family services has been and how phenomenal our two case workers have been and are. I will forever be grateful to them. And we are so grateful to our birth-mother and her parents have been. We want C to be able to always know how much he is loved and adoption was never about not being loved. So tomorrow we will spend the day learning more about adoption via some pretty long, yet amazing training that will help us better understand directly what we are going through. So you all will hopefully also know sooner rather than later. Keep us in your prayers, and our sweet niece Gracie. We will post before we go.

A Lot of Peace.

Today was a much better day. My hope is that we can look back on all of this and just realize that we grew soo much during this time. We really draw so much peace from prayer. When it becomes too much to bear, I get on my knees, and pour out my heart to Heavenly Father, and tell him all that is in my heart. I tell him of all the things we are grateful for. I thank him for the blessings we are so fortunate to be blessed with. I tell him of the grief in my heart, and the overwhelming feelings of stress, and the difficulty we are currently facing. When we get news that is too hard, we turn it over to Him. We than continue to ask for safety for our sweet boy, and for peace to his birth-mother, his Grandparents, and for us. We pray for the softening of hearts. I purchased a journal for sweet C. I love writing in it! I look forward to sharing the beautiful story (because although very difficult, it is still a very beautiful thing!) I have a great feeling that C will be ours. I'm not sure when, but I do feel it is simply a matter of time. If it is next week, beautiful. If it is a week from Tuesday, we can do it. Thank-you all of you reading these words. We are grateful for the support, really and truly!

Sorry for Posting Again.

I am now posting for the second time today, and I really just cannot help myself. I hate unknowns. We knew this would be hard, but I guess just like losing our two kids, I never realized the extreme emotions we would be feeling right now. This is such a roller-coaster. And not just any roller-coaster; its the kind where your stomach sinks hill, after hill, after whirly-loop, and then comes the stop where you are supposed to get off, but for some reason it does not and you continue to go up, and down, and around. My head is pounding, and that blessed headache is because I have been crying, even though I am not supposed to be crying (our case-worker told me to just not worry, that this is not the time to worry.) Just by-the-way, telling someone to not worry does not guarantee that they will not. No, our birthmother has not changed her mind, nor has her family. It is just the joys of so many unknowns that come from working with the blessed other parties involved. Please do not say that things will work out the way Heavenly Father has intended them to, because I do realize that, but it does not help hearing it right now. Just tell me that this does indeed suck and it is hard, but it will be worth it. Every day feels like a week right now. I do ultimately have peace, but I do worry about the pains we will have to face and are facing. I just wish things could make sense. I am tired of stress right now, and I really do not want to get up and go to work in the morning. Life goes on, stressed or not. Grrrrrr!!!!! I really am not angry, just pure frustration at not knowing what will happen. We want this little boy so much. We already love him so much. We just do not understand why things seem to need to take the more difficult path. So forgive me, I need to go and take some headache medicine and pray.

A New Day

Thank heavens for fresh starts of each and every day. I think I sounded a bit ungrateful yesterday, and that is not an attitude I need to have right now. I know this is going to be hard, because the end results are so worth it. And that's what I need to keep thinking. I just look at "C"'s little face and I just know that I want to wake up every morning to that adorable little face! And the other agency is doing everything they can to make this happen as quickly as possible. We go back down next week. Exactly a week from now, we will be sitting in court, praying for the amazing lawyers of LDS family services. The judge will see us, the other side's lawyer will see us. Our birth-mother and birth-grandmother will know that we are there, because we love little "C" so much, and we want to bring him home. We will not be able to say what is in our hearts. But we know that there are feelings and promptings that can not always be physically heard or even seen, and we will have peace. Because peace is how we will make it through. I will continue nesting this week (you should see my bathroom, I'm not sure the tub or "throne" have sparkled as such in a long time.) The house and everything will be in order for preparation of getting our little boy. So keep praying for us. I will never be able to begin to express my gratitude for the amazing blessing of prayers said in behalf of our family. They are why I am still pretty sane after what we have been through. And the comments are like little personal cheerleaders saying you can do it! So thank-you! Hopefully, very soon we will have good news and we will have our little boy home with us!

Patience, Longing, and Ranting, and Hopefully Some Miracles.

*Just a pre-warning, this is kind of long!*
Through the loss of our two children, we have learned a lot of patience. For those of you who know me, you know that patience is not a virtue that comes easily to me. With Lilly's life, the patience we learned came from the un-known, and trying to not be frustrated with so many unknowns. I learned to live each day as if it could be your last. Let the people important to you know how much you love them, because you just never know what tomorrow may bring. Every day we wondered if that day would be her last. With Ryker, it was just pure and simple patience. I felt sometimes soo frustrated at the setbacks Ryker would experience and after each setback that he would overcome, I would sigh a breathe of relief, but knowing that inevitably there would always be more trials, and there would be more ways for the Lord to teach me patience. So why would getting our third child be any different? Every Monday, we have the privilege of tending our two year old niece and our 9 month old nephew. We love it. When Mike's sister comes to pick up Caiden, we always get a little chance to catch up. We were talking today, and she just was talking about how it is so odd that we were able to get pregnant so easily with Lilly and Ryker, and now we have been waiting/trying for over 15 months for something to happen. She just said that maybe we were just really meant to bring this little one into our home.
What prompted the discussion this morning is that I was expressing my frustration about getting a call (the lady was really nice and I feel like she is trying to do all she can) to inform me that things are happening so quickly, but it still may take another 2 weeks (from today) to have everything finalized to get this baby into our home. And although two weeks really is not that long, it just stinks that we would have to wait an additional week after court. We have twice now passed criminal backround screenings for LDS family services and now another agency (that shall for now remain nameless), and even though we will inevitably get our little baby. So why would someone want this baby to remain in another's home for additional week while we wait for some I's and T's to be dotted and crossed? How does any of this make sense? Why would you keep a baby from it's parents just to finalize some paperwork (and serioulsy, the ONLY hold up is PAPERWORK!) and ask that they just patiently wait? It is so frustrating! I really do not like having to learn patience so painfully. It hurts that we are going to possibly miss the first month of our baby's life. I know that we will (hopefully) have a lot of time to make up for it, but what would be the good of having him displaced from us for so long?! I do not see that this would in anyway be beneficial. We have rearranged schedules to go down next week, and I feel so strongly about being there, if only as a mere presence in the back of the court room. I am praying that there are lawyers who understand the need for this baby to be with it's adoptive parents. The lady on the phone said that she told her colleague to recommend that as soon as everything is finished to be able to place our baby with us and not have to go back to court.
So what we are asking now is prayers for some miracles. It is going to take a MIRACLE to be able to get our baby next week. That is where our loving friends and family come in. I know that prayers make all the difference. I have seen things which put to rest any doubts and that Heavenly Father truly is a God of miracles. So if you would, pray for us to have this miracle happen. I read an amazing scripture today. It says, "...Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send justice...". The other verse I have been reading every day through all of this is "Thus we may see that the Lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon his holy name." These are words which have allowed me to keep my sanity and live each day. I am trying so hard to not feel frustrated, but I just begin to wonder why things have to be hard for us. I know we are learning and growing, but we sometimes feel like bringing a child into our home is pretty much nearly impossible (other than bringing cute nieces and nephews over to tend). So pray for us to have peace. Pray for hearts to be softened and for the miracle of bringing this little guy (and yes, your reward for reading my ranting and raving is knowing that this little baby is our little guy!) home next week. Thank-you everyone for your comments. They mean a lot to know that there are so many people pulling for us.

The Bends and Twists Along the Road of Life.

We are always on the road of life. Sometimes (not very often in our family) you are coasting along the bright and sunny straight fairway. Other times, you are driving along steep curves and bends that threaten you very life and push you till you feel you are going to fall off. This two week wait we are in is very much the steep and beautiful mountain roads, that in the end will take you either to beautiful places or will threaten your very sanity. It seems the further and further away we move from being in St. George, this last week, and the feelings of the beautiful peace and spirit that we mostly felt while down there, the more anxious I become. And since the further away we move from this last week, and the closer we draw towards going back down, the more I worry. We are doing so much to get ready, both physically and spiritually. It feels the more we do, the more I want our baby, to be here, with us and working on becoming our eternal family. It is soo hard to not have what you want more than almost anything in this world. It sucks even more to miss the first weeks of our baby's life. I try not to think about it, but it seems that there is such a strong force working against me to feel doubt and fear. In our religion, we feel very strongly that Satan can be a strong force. We also believe that the feelings of doubt and fear are not from our loving Heavenly Father but are instead of and from Satan. And I know that Satan is working hard on us, because it is not his goal to see great things happen, like this baby becoming part of our family. We also believe that families can be together forever. So although I do feel the beautiful peace that I know my sweet Lilly and Ryker bring, and they are near to me at this time, there is also the darker force working so hard to counteract those peaceful and beautiful feelings. This week we will be working hard to jump through any other remaining hoops, and hopefully one week from Tuesday will be able to bring our baby home. So continue the prayers for us. We feel uplifted and need that feeling. Please continue to pray for all our little heart friends out there. Our niece will hopefully be able to come home soon, but she is still so fragile. Thank-you for all of your uplifting comments. As soon as I can share the picture of our little one, we will.

Jumping Through Hoops

Yep, that's what our little family was doing today, jumping through a lot of hoops. What is absolutely crazy, is that it was just barely a week ago, we had no idea all of this would be happening. And now we have made two trips down south, just in 5 days, and are currently getting baby-ready in our home. (We feel pretty much that no matter what happens in two weeks, this baby will hopefully be ours.) Tomorrow will be spent cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. We are praying the next 13 days will go by fast. What is crazier is our family will go from being a family of four, to a family of five (including Lilly and Ryker, of course)and that seems like a larger number than it is currently. Our little baby is just the cutest, with a ton of hair!!! I called my Dad, just frustrated because there is so much of this that is new and just like our little family, this case is unique. Unique can be both good and bad, but we are praying for our happy ending. So tomorrow we will finish our hoop-jumping for a couple of days and will get the house ready for everything. It's probably about 90-98% sure that we will come home parents again, but you really just never know. So continue praying for good things, and also our little niece Gracie was extubated today and there are the cutest pictures of her playing after she was extubated. We are grateful for her and the strength she has shown. Hopefully, she will be home in time to meet her new cousin. So we will let you know {vaguely} what is going on or any changes. So until than, please continue the prayers!

The Worst and Best Day.

Mike is so ready to share what exactly is going on, but I am not. This is unusual because normally Mike is the reserved one and I am the one sharing everything. I am sorry for driving you all nuts. I will say that we are praying for a good ending to all this, which if all goes well, we will know in two weeks exactly. We were praying for everything to be known today, for the decisions to be decided so that we could stop making so many trips down to St. George. We made it safely down to St. George, and after a restless night (for me), we got up to face the day. There was a lot of praying, a lot of pondering, and just pleading to the Lord to bring peace, no matter what happened. Things kept getting moved back to later and later, and finally the time came. We felt like things were going our way, but than the world turned up-side down on us, and we were left upset, and heart-broken. We headed back, and just ached at how saddened and empty we felt. We cried, we yelled out in frustration, and just felt like things could not possibly begin to go right in our family. Fifteen minutes later, those who had made us so unhappy, called to tell us to come back to see if things could work out. Another 1 hour and 20 minutes later, we felt much more peace, but were emotionally spent. It seems the Lord is indeed softening hearts, because it is exactly what happened in some small ways today, and even the last couple of days. We feel good about going back down in two weeks, that we will maybe get our good ending. You just never know. We just know that we have a bunch of hoops to jump through.
P.S. This next comment is for/from Mike:
It should be pretty obvious what is going on. Since there are quite a few people who do already know, and word is bound to get around anyway, we agreed that it would be best to let you know that this is indeed all related to adopting a baby. We will not share the specifics, but just know the baby is stinking cute, which must mean that our little baby is already here!!! So PLEASE, PLEASE pray for our little family this next two weeks.
*And we will share more when we feel we are able to. There is just still so much unknown that we need to protect ourselves and our little one.*

Headed Down South

We are going on another adventure (so to speak) and are headed back down to St. George. We are again requesting a continuation of prayers for of course both Gracie's and their families, but also for us. We are praying that things will go well and hearts will be softened. We know that Heavenly Father is in charge, and knows what will be best for our little family. But we also believe soo strongly in the power of prayer, and know that no matter what happens, we will be okay. So lots of prayers and hopefully and prayerfully tomorrow we will be able to share what exactly is going on (because word is going to get around!) So hasta-la-vista and we will post as soon as we can. Just again, Gledhill family and even our sweet Gracie are all in need of prayers to, so please continue to keep them all in your prayers! Oh my heck, I am a nervous wreck and need to finish packing!!!

Sweet, Amazing Grace

We just wanted to express our sincere condolences to the Gledhill family. The loss of a child is extremely difficult. And it is made that much more difficult because of the loss that her brothers and sister are experiencing too. Sweet Gracie has fought valiantly, and although is leaving this world, her body will no longer have to suffer the pains and anguish. She is a sweet, sweet girl. So please, please keep this family in your prayers this morning as they say goodbye to their precious little girl. They are also giving such a sweet blessing and donating her other organs. What a precious blessing to give~and Gledhills what a blessing Gracie has been to so many.

Road Trip!!!

So its Mike again! We had the weekend off and decided we wanted to get away for awhile, so what did we do?? Road trip to St George!! Yep we drove down too Cedar City and stayed the night and continued on to St George the next day! We had a great time, it was so nice to get away and have some alone time, we came back LATE Saturday night because our sisters baby was blessed today. We debated staying somewhere half way over night and driving the rest this morning but wanted to get home. Needless to say, 2 tanks of gas later, a 500 mile trek, and about 4 liters of diet Dr Pepper {Emily's vice} we made it home! So you are probably all sitting there wondering why St Gorge?? Why so sudden and quick? Well, there were DEFINITELY REASONS AND A PURPOSE!!! I wish so badly right now it could be discussed but the timing is just not right yet. We will post more when the timing is right, but please be mindful of us. We could use all the prayers right now. On a side note Gracie continues to do well and is returning to her normal self, we pray her recovery continues so she can get strong and come home!!! Also, sweet Gracie Gledhill and her family could also use some prayers. They are again facing some very difficult decisions and our heart breaks for them.