"Hey Girl~You are Beautiful!!!"

So I have been trying to work on my video for the Biggest Loser. I am a big girl, obviously, or I would not be going out for the Biggest Loser. My sister shared a video with me, from the singer Mika, and I love it. I know I have to change, and I am making those steps to change. But something that I will have to learn to do, no matter what my size is, is to learn to love myself. So here you go,



I live in an area where I have never seen such an emphasis on how good you look. I am sure it can be chalked up to a culture where everyone is trying to be so perfect, trying to have the best house, the best jobs, the best gardens, the cutest Sunday clothes, and most important: the best body. I would be lying if I told you that losing weight was not about looking cuter, or being able to fit into cuter clothing. It is a 100% added perk, but mainly I need to be healthy for my family. I grew up with an obese mother, and I do not want my kids to have that. So just as I will lose this weight, pound by pound, I will learn to love me for me, fat or not, a little bit more each day.Because hey big girl, you are beautiful (and you lucky skinnies out there too!)

*BTW, I may or may not have danced to this song in a sports bra and tight shorts. I shudder now at the thought. :P  *

Craziness in Life

I have not posted in a little while. Life just gets a bit crazy. Mostly, besides playing with kids, fighting the never-ending war on laundry, and than trying to keep up with housework, I have been spending my time on the phone with various medical offices we have been blessed to frequent. By the end of this year, we will have PAID $14,000 in medical costs over the last 5 years. It makes me want to cry. And we are fortunate to have insurance, because that 5 day $10,000 fancy stay in Pediatrics 3-4 weeks ago would have alone pretty much bankrupted us. I know it can be worse, and I am grateful for my kids, but paying these bills reminds me so much of having Lilly and Ryker and having to pay for them, long after they had passed away. And I felt like it was so unfair. And I feel like it is still so unfair. To me, it feels like I am putting a price tag on my children, and they are just so priceless to me. It is silly that this brings up so much emotion and feeling, but it just does.

My other occupation right now is weight loss and trying to get a video done for the biggest loser. I just do not feel very creative about this project, and what I want to convey is something so precious to me. The story of my children is just such a story and I am not sure what words to convey the love, the emotion, and the awe of how special they are, and how the loss and stress has made me an emotional eater. And I need it to be amazing, to get the casting directors' attention. I know it will be so hard to leave my family, but while reading a book "Running With Angels", which is a book where I feel like I am nearly reading my own words and stories, I have realized I need to be a little selfish and take that time for me. So cross your fingers, offer suggestions for what to do for this video, and help me to be able to do it. It had been long overdue to reclaim my health.

I will have to post some pictures this week, because Collin turned one and Jacob turned 5 months yesterday!

Blog Links

So my blog still is not finished with the updates, since in the midst of making the changes I got sick, and than Jacob was put in the hospital. But I managed to lose my links to the blogs of my friends, families, and more with the changes. So could you all please leave a post with the link, so that I can re-link (or you can also e-mail me at littleforeverfamily@gmail.com!) Thank-you, I hate not being able to read what is happening with everyone!

My Life-Long Struggle

I feel like I am a broken record some times. I remember being nine, and reading an article in a newspaper about girls and teens and their issue with body image. And I remember at the tender age of nine thinking "am I fat?" And because of mean girls I grew up with in Ohio, I thought I was. I was never really fat growing up. But what one person finds to be "fat" is another person's skinny, and vice versa. I was standing in the nursery this weekend at work, listening to some of my friends and co-workers trash their bodies and how they looked. Now I was looking at these women, thinking, "wow, I wish I could look like them." And I told them so.

One of the hardest parts after having Ryker and now Jacob is dealing with how I look after. Things hang differently, and your body is just different. And today I hit the breaking point of frustrations. I wish I was happy in my skin, and I do realize that no matter how thin or fat I am, that until I learn to love me, it will not matter. But part of feeling better and learning to love myself is striving to become healthy, mentally and physically. But even though I know what to do (less calories, healthy food choices, exercise and a more active lifestyle) I do not know where to start. I am not one for the fad dieting, I need to make the permanent changes in my life so that I can be healthier, and happier.

But again, where do I start? I love Weight Watchers, but I cannot take my boys to the meetings nor can I go to a consistent meeting because of working every other weekend. And I like to walk, but do not own a double stroller. So I need some help, need some tips. I need to make this happen, make it a permanent change. I am also going to start writing on my weight loss blog, something I will allow others to read someday, just not right now.  So here's to a new week, a new start. 

I Feel Blessed

I had the wonderful opportunity to be able to chat with a few angel heart moms tonight. These were 4 women who unknowingly saw me through some of the darkest hours of my life. When you lose a child, you become part of a club. It is not a club you ever want to be part of, but one you have joined none-the-less. I count these women as some of my dearest friends. They know what it is like to get the horrible news that your baby has a serious medical problem, they have loved and watched their little ones, and than said goodbye to their sweet angels, and than had to move on with life. The moving on is the worst part. Your little one is gone from your arms, people are moving on with their lives, at times forgetting those special days, which just makes it hurt even worse. The pain, the having to mourn and go through the motions of living, and missing your little ones so bad that it physically hurts just feels like too much. It feels as if someone has stuck a knife in your chest, and there is nothing you can do. And you feel alone, that no one really around you understands, and that life will never bring happiness. And when all just seems dark, you see a light, or several lights. There are other who you can turn to, who understand the pain of that knife, and the ache of empty arms. And so we mourn with one another, talked about our frustrations, lent a listening ear, and went on living. 

Talking with them tonight, over yummy food, I just felt such a love and sisterhood. They are each so  remarkable to me, each with different strengths. I just felt so tremendously blessed to be able to spend time with them. I feel blessed that Mike after working 12 long hours at work was willing to come home and send me off while he put the boys to bed. I feel blessed to be a mom to two little miracles, miracles in their own different ways. Now if we could avoid any more of the sickies this winter I would be one ecstatic momma.

And I just wanted to add a thank-you to those who are spreading the word about our need for milk. We appreciate more than words could begin to express. The donations are truly priceless!

Still Looking For Milk

We just ran out of the little milk that we had left for Jacob. I know to many it is an odd request, but it is a tremendous blessing to Jacob. We have been giving him formula for the last day and since he started spitting up (shooting out of his nose and mouth) and when we suction we all of a sudden are getting quite a bit of milky junk, something that was not happening with breast milk. My e-mail is littleforeverfamily@gmail.com. We will cover milk bag supplies and are willing to travel in Northern Utah to pick milk up. Thank-you in advance!!!