Little Milestone :)

I just had to share something positive tonight: our little guy was partying hard in my tummy and mike got to feel him kick for the first time!!! I have always been around 24 weeks (I will be 21 weeks on Friday) which typically has always coincided with Mike's birthday that he has been able to feel our kids kick/move. But apparently that is not early enough for our little soccer player, to get his Dad's attention, so he made his presence known to his Dad. I love this part of being pregnant, and literally miss it the moment I have our kids. Now I will have Mike poking at me, trying to get him to wiggle or kick :) Just thought I would share, since I needed something positive to relax me against the worry I have about Friday's fetal echo. I feel good about it, but will feel much better when it comes back all clear! I am being optimistic that things will look great :)

Trying For the Impossible

I grew up listening to a song "Dream the Impossible Dream". It comes from the musical "Man of La Mancha".

"To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

To love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march into Hell

For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this

That one man, scorned and covered with scars

Still strove with his last ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable star"

These words truly are words of my life. Lilly should have never lived, especially as long as she did. This is something that I never shared, and even now is something I cautiously put out there for anyone to read. When we found out her diagnosis, I sat in what would be her bedroom, all alone, and wrote a letter to God. Now most people pray, and so do I. But what I wanted to say needed to be put to paper. I poured out my heart, and asked him for time. I asked him for a month. A month was long shot, a big fat miracle. I wanted time to to experience her, for Mike to get to know her. We were blessed with 5 weeks.

When we found out we were pregnant, it felt like another big fat miracle. We were about to renew our foster care license and consider that avenue for more children. When I took the test on a whim and found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. There were so many mixed emotions.  It was truly the unreachable star for us to consider that this baby could be happy. We already set up so many of our feelings/emotions on saying goodbye, since saying goodbye is the only thing we know to do with our biological children. Much of our courage was spent on the fight for life with Lilly and Ryker, and I honestly felt like I could not fight anymore. When we were given the hope that we might just have a healthy baby, a normal experience, it was shocking. To start to be able to plan for a future was/is something I never thought we would be able to do with a biological child, and why I had fallen in love with adoption.

So I started to think about other areas of my life that seemed impossible. My weight has been something I have struggled with for nearly 10 years. I was doing Weight Watchers when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to be healthy, to feel cute when I went shopping, to be able to keep up with my kids. It is hard when you are fighting the "fat fight" to all of a sudden be thrown off the train, and be able to accept gaining weight as something that needed to happen. I struggled with it, but than realized that I had to accept it. But in the last few weeks, I have had the "aha" moment. I realized I had everything within my power to have a healthy pregnancy. I could start exercising, I could eat right. My body has a hard time with meats, especially heavy meats. I usually eat chicken and turkey (burger) and have red meat here and there. But any meat seemed so heavy. So after doing some research, I realized I needed to make some changes. 

 In my research over the years of trying to get healthy, I stumbled upon a way of eating that fit perfectly for me (except for the fish aspect.) When I first read about it, looked into it, I thought "this made senses." Even though it made sense, I did not follow it. I already was using olive oil and canola oils only, strictly limiting any butter, which seemed to be a huge part of this lifestyle. I also love fresh foods, and try to stick strictly to the outsides of stores. I love cheese and dairy, and use it as my main source of protein many days many days.  And I was trying to exercise. This way of eating comes from the Mayo Clinic. It is the Mediterranean diet for heart health. Here are the key points:

• Getting plenty of exercise
• Eating primarily plant-based foods, such as fruits and vegetables, whole grains, legumes and nuts
• Replacing butter with healthy fats such as olive oil and canola oil
• Using herbs and spices instead of salt to flavor foods
• Limiting red meat to no more than a few times a month
• Eating fish and poultry at least twice a week
• Drinking red wine in moderation (optional)
• The diet also recognizes the importance of enjoying meals with family and friends. 

Now the red wine aspect is out, but I know you can substitute grape juice (the 100% variety) in for it. This guide goes hand in hand with what my body wants and what I have been taught in my life. I am going to try some fish and see if I can stomach it. I know so much of it is in my mind. I have tried shrimp, and do not like it. And I used to eat fish, but got sick once, and really that was all it took, to be honest.

So what am I doing? I am eating berries (raspberries, strawberries, blackberries) watermelon, eating more vegetables, switched myself and most of what my family eats to 100% whole grain/whole wheat, still eating cheese, plain yogurt/Greek yogurt, eggs, and limiting my meat. Using the healthy oil, eating small servings of nuts, trying to go organic in all choices (when feasible0, and I started to exercise again too. I am not trying to lose weight, I am just trying to keep my weight gain to minimum and have a healthy starting point come this fall when our little guy comes. We have tried to eat more of our meals at the table together too, something that is important on so many levels. I feel like many of these tips are basic changes that will make a huge difference. It is healthy, proven to be healthy for generations, and not dramatic. With Mike working the med/surg unit at the hospital, he has told me stories of people trying the dramatic dieting tricks and ending up sick. When you lose weight to quickly, it can make your body sick, throwing off levels and making your body work hard to try and adjust. And really, you want a change that you can keep and make into a lifestyle.

My other impossible is the way in which I bring my children into the world. I have had 2 c-sections, and I am very lucky to see the only OB in the state of Utah basically to allow to try for a vaginal birth after 2 c-sections. The reason so many OB's are so hesitant to allow this is because of the threat of a lawsuit (a fact my OB openly talked of.)  Sadly, lawsuits have started to dictate much of what happens in the health-care system. I am also seeing the midwives at my OB's practice. They give so much support and one-on-one time that OB's do not always have the time to give. They have already advised me on tips and tricks for my body to be favorable and to go into natural labor before 42 weeks, something that many OB's are not able to suggest. It seems like a long shot, and although c-sections are not the end of the world, not being able to pick up my 21 months old son will be. It is something I have to be as prepared as possible for. I am even laughing at myself, because as much as I have knocked the usage of doulas in my line of work, I may just have one. I will go into more of this once I am further along, but I would love to hear any advice for the area of natural labor.

Sorry for the novel, I just feel like lately I have so much to say where there was such a long time I felt like I had nothing to say. It may not be interesting, but this is part of me. I should place the words to this song on my fridge, because so many days I need the encouragement. So reach for the impossible dream, no matter how small or large. The little things truly matter.

Twenty Weeks: I'm Half-Way There!!!

I cannot believe that yesterday marked the half way point of this pregnancy. These last 20 weeks (well really 15 weeks) have flown by. It has been such a nice reprieve to not have been sick the last few weeks. Really, my only two complaints are the ligament pains/pull from the baby growing and the other joys of being awoken during the night to *cough, attend to some needs. But the best part is feeling every little kick, roll, jab, poke and knowing he is healthy and moving. It is reassuring, since before18 weeks, you just want the reassurance every day that your baby is okay. And now I know that he is good, that he is growing, and if he does not move enough, I can recognize that. The day I delivered Ryker, I went about 12 hours before I felt him move. And we have too many moms that come in with babies that have stopped moving,  did not realize the lack of movement and the baby sadly sometimes has passed away. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but a lot of times if it is caught in time and they can get you delivered, things are okay. I think working in the women's area of the hospital is not always the best, because sometimes knowing so much about things that can go wrong is not always the best. I will have to take a picture of my belly (with clothes, thank-you very much) but I am popping and keep thinking "how can I get bigger?" I just forget what it is like to be short and pregnant.

I have not been able to eat normally very well. I have a hard time eating unhealthy foods. I eat a lot of fruits, some veggies, and I was eating a lot of carbs but eased off of those, since I need to take care of myself and this baby. So I made homemade granola with wheat germ, and bought some really yummy 21 grain bread. It is an adjustment, but one worth making. I wish I could have one of my friends make me a grocery list, because she looks great and eats healthier than anyone I know. But I am on my own, and I am trying. I am trying to exercise again too.

I think we have it down to two names, but that can change easily. We really like Micah. It means "who is like God? Gift from God" which is pretty perfect really. It is of Hebrew origin. Oliver is our other choice. Oliver means "extending and olive branch" and signifies an offer of peace. And heaven knows with a not even two year old, I will need a peaceful child. But than again, this baby truly is a gift from God. Maybe we will name him Micah Oliver or Oliver Micah. I think we are going to flop back and forth until he comes. Everyone we ask has a different opinions. I also look at the popularity. Oliver is # 50 in the state of Utah, Micah is not even on the list. Nationally, Micah was #118 last year, Oliver was 98. Maybe I will just start a poll, and see what name gets the most votes.

Friday I go for our fetal echo. I am still a little nervous, but really hopeful. After that appointment and my perinatology appointment the week after, I think I will truly be able to breathe a sigh of relief. I am hoping to graduate from perinatology after that, and just see my OB. I am also going to be seeing the midwives that are in the group with my OB. They will be able to give me some of the best advice for not only a VBAC, but also for trying to go natural. It is nice to be able to plan for a normal delivery at the hospital of my choice. I love where I work, and love the people. It will be fun to be able to actually have a "normal" experience. This is something I know so many other heart moms/angel moms can appreciate. Well, that's it for now. Need to go spend some time with my cute date!!!

What We've Been Up To: Lots of Pictures

Nephew's Second Birthday

 The twins are already 7 months!!! Time has flown by. They are so cute, happy, smiling, and chubby. We love the chubs, love the blue eyes, and love the blonde curly hair!!!

Morgan loving on our cute niece. She loves the twins, and we cannot help but love her.

I cannot believe that this little guy turned two this month. He is one of nephews I was privileged to care for while at work. I love when family/friends deliver where I work and I get the chance to care for them. Makes for a wonderful day at work!!!

Since Caden lives in California now, it was extra special to be able to share in the birthday celebrations. Good food and good times were had by all. Gracie was so funny! She was having a blast rolling around and playing with the little blue ballooons. 

She is such a happy gal and we love her!!!

Caden is not quite sure what to think of Collin. They were pretty good here, but sometimes sharing is a hard thing for both. And boys fighting are a lot funnier than girls I have to say. Girls usually cry and whine, boys just duke it out. Thanks to our dog Skip, Collin does pretty well holding his own, so we do not worry.

Caden is such a cute kid, and I really wish he lived closer. I know that cousins may not always get along, but there sure is a lot of love. And I used to get to watch this kid every Monday and I loved watching him grow and have missed seeing him. Hopefully his Dad will get through school and will come home!!! We love having them visit! :)

It has been nice having Mike home this summer. He usually is at school, but since he starts his crazy school schedule in the fall, it is a nice break before the heck breaks loose!!! It has given us a chance to spend some quality time with Collin, especially with a new brother on the way.

Strawberry Days Parade and Carnival

 This was Collin's second time on the carousel. He freaked when Mike sat him down on the horse, but than he loved it, although is not looking it in these pictures! :)

 Mike took him on his first time around.  I was happy to take the pictures.

 But than Mom was supposed to take Collin, and since there were not outside horses, and I was tired, we sat. We did not get a good picture of me with Collin, but I am not complaining.

This was the funniest part of the week: our niece Morgan at the parade!!! Everyone was laughing at her pure excitement of the parade. She is just too funny.

Collin AMAZINGLY was just content to sit on my lap and watch. He would stand and dance here and there, but this kid seriously sat for an hour!!! He loved the parade.

She was just so excited!!! And it paid off with the candy. She would even share and give me the black licorice taffy, one of my favorites. She seriously made the parade fun.

It was pretty hot. Collin fell asleep about two minutes after we got into the car. 

The heat was exhausting for all.

I know, it is shocking Mike got so many pictures of me in one week. I must have been feeling nice or something. Collin was excited and pretty funny. It will be a lot more fun next year when is a little older and grasps the excitement of free candy. He loved the horses.

 

It was a lot of fun to go with Deanna, Grace, and Morgan. And I am so grateful to be close enough to family to spend some time with them. The nieces and nephews just grow up too quickly so it is fun to be able to see them. The parade would not have been as fun without Morgan. She made the experience.

Father's Day

I know, how lame? Picture of Grandma with Morgan and Collin instead of Grandpa. But I forgot to get the camera out till the very end, when we were just about to leave. I will have to get the copies from my sister-in-law since she did take some really cute pictures of Father's Day.

But I cannot help but show these two pictures, because something the G family Grandkids all share is their love of books. Of course, Grandma being a school teacher may help facilitate the love. But I think this picture is just darling, because these two Grandkids will go grab a book, hand it to Grandma, and than put up their arms to be picked up so she can read to them. 

Gotta love the books!!!

My Nephew's 1 1/2 Birthday Party

Since my nephew has the slight misfortune to have been born the 22nd of December, my sister decided to celebrate with a party each year around June 22nd instead. Smart, huh?  So we had some yummy Toy Story alien cupcakes and our cute nephew partied it out. He got a ton of Toy Story items, which is funny since no one knew before that was the party theme. Collin loved the party, and especially loved the little boys that fed him cupcakes over and over again. Made me laugh, but sure did make a mess!

We had a great time and enjoyed celebrating the 1/2 birthday. 

So HAPPY HALF BIRTHDAY TATE!!! 

We love you!!!

Happy Father's Day

 Our wonderful Dads.

I just wanted to take a minute to thank the fathers in my life. I am so blessed to have my own wonderful father. My Dad is one of the most spiritual men I know, and he is also one of the most forgiving. He was fortunate to have a wonderful Grandfather that molded him into the man he would become. He is the most amazing Grandfather too, and Mike call him Dad because that's just who he is. 

 Collin and my Dad on Thanksgiving.

I am stubborn just like him, if my Dad had hair and green eyes and was a girl, it would be me. I am a Daddy's girl, always have been, always will. I always said I would marry someone like my Dad and I did. I could write on and on, but I will save you from the novel. :) 

 The day we adopted Collin.

I am also so very blessed to have a father-in-law that I also call Dad. He is so very loving, and passionate about his family. He was huge part in making Mike who he is today. When we were going to perinatology before we knew the extent of Lilly's problem, he went with us.

 Collin with Grandpa on his adoption day.

He even took us to Olive Garden for some comfort food after, and just made sure we were going to be okay. He has always been there for us. He has mourned with us, fed us when things were tough (it is the two philosophies of Tom G: when things are tough, he cleans and feeds people) 

 Collin and Grandpa looking each other over.

and I really could not ask for anyone better to be my second father. And he has just loved each and everyone of his Grandkids to no end. I am so grateful to have in our life, and for my kids to have such a loving Grandfather.

Mike moments after becoming a Dad.

The last figure in my life is my husband. When I first met Mike, and even for the three years after, I just loved to talk with him, loved to be around him. Shooting stars and all that were not the reason I fell in love with Mike, he was my best friend and someone I just simply could not even think about living without. 

 Mike saying goodbye to Ryker.

He is my best friend and love of my life. He is the hardest worker I know and so very obedient, almost to a fault. I could not possibly love him more. Mike is also the most wonderful father. He insists on being the one to put Collin to bed each night, lovingly wrapping him in his arms and rocking him. 

He is tender-hearted. It is very hard when Collin is crying. Mike just wants to take away the tears and hold him. When we were transitioning Collin to go to bed on his own, it was very hard on Mike. 

 Daddy loving on Collin.

He is so loving, and so wonderful. I miss him to death when I am away from him. Our kids will never want for love, as Mike is one of the most giving and loving man I know. He adores his children. 

 Collin with his Daddy.

Anyways, just want to wish the father's out there a Happy Father's Day today, and express my gratitude for the father's in my life.

Time is Flying......

This pregnancy seems like forever and seems like it will go forever, but yet, at the same time, it has flown by. On Friday, I will be 19 weeks (20 weeks is the halfway point!) I am only 5'2", so I am popped for better lack of room. Mike loves to pat my belly, and keeps telling me I look cute. I usually just shake my head at him but smile that he still thinks I am cute, because I am not feeling it. He is anxious to feel the baby kick (he felt Lilly at around 25 weeks and Ryker at 24 weeks) so he is trying to be as patient as Mike can. Collin will now even point to my belly and say "baby" and it is so cute. I feel our little guy move around more and more.He seems to be more active in the evenings, or maybe it is because I am finally sitting down that I can feel him wiggling. I went to my OB on Monday, and everything looks great. I will have to start leaving Collin when I go to appointments because he starts screaming when I am being weighed and getting my B/P taken, which actually elevates the number. It is funny how your child's scream can actually cause a physical change in your body! :) We keep coming up with more and more names, but only one has sounded right. His middle name will most likely be Tom (I would like Thomas, it is more formal but Mike's Dad's first name is not Thomas, it is just Tom) so we will see. This week, we have come up with Grayson, George, Sawyer, and Colton, but I have always (and probably will always) love Oliver. We have always had our kids named by now, so this is a new one for us. It may have to be set once we see him, a first for us, but since this pregnancy is a first in many ways, why not? I've had more energy so my house is slowly getting cleaner and cleaner, but I still feel like there is so much to do and seems like with Collin it will never get there. I have pictures of Collin, but I will have to post those again in another post because it seems like my rambles are long enough. So until I write again, I just wanted to say thank-you to those who read this and for the support we receive. :)

Finally a Post with Pictures

Here is how we started our first photo shoot: Collin clobbering Dad. This is one of his favorite past times. He thinks it is hilarious if you are laying on the floor (or bed) that he should climb on you. You will than either become his horse or he will roll over you, again and again. It makes us laugh so hard!!! He also loves to "pat" Dad's head when he is on his shoulders, and today was even pulling his ears. Not so funny when pregnant Mom is on the floor. His baby brother does not appreciate it as much. :) Skip also is a great target, and he is pretty patient with him about it. We may or may not bribe him.

Another favorite of Collin's past times is going for rides. When we tell him we are going for a ride, he grabs his shoes and heads to the door. If we are too slow, he lets us know!!! He loves to drive, and is getting to where he points to things he recognizes. He loves dogs, horses, kitties, and cows. Although when he sees a horse, he usually growls, but seems to be able to get the "moo" for cow down. Kittie he just tells us, and dog is probably his favorite word.

Another proud achievement of Collin is being able to climb into the rocking chair and onto certain couches. He even climbed into an empty bath tub tonight. He thinks he is such a big boy, and laughs and claps when he does it. I just think he is growing up too fast.

Don't let that cute smile fool you. He was being very mischievous here. You see, Mike had mistakenly left a bag of Lays chips down, and not only was Collin sneaking into the bag, but he was also trying to surf the web (which meant he was pounding on the keyboard.) But how can you resist this face???

You seriously can not even stay mad at him for a moment. Those dimples are just too dang cute and those beautiful eyelashes just scream sweet innocence. Too cute!!!

Being pregnant, and now all of a sudden summer has hit, I am dying in the heat. And our house does not have central air, so for now, I am loving my window unit and fan. But another great way to stay cool is the pool. I love to swim, and Collin seems to also. So I have a feeling that will be our home away from home this summer. So Saturday we went with my sister and her cute little family. I did not get very many pictures, because the boys are not the best photography subjects, but I just love our cute nephew Tatum (and so does Collin, except some times a little too much!)

But they get so happy when they see each other. It is pretty cute. Collin loves the water. He will just jump right in, without a care that he may not know how to swim. I think he will have to wear a vest till he learns how. We love having the pool about a mile away. I know it will be even more appreciated when we hit the 100's this summer. Collin is in that stage where he cannot fully communicate, and he gets frustrated when we do not understand what he wants or when he does not understand what we are doing and why. But he really is such a sweetheart. He loves to smile and wave at people, and is not even timid about going up to strangers. He still sleep in till around 8 and loves food. He loves his Granparents, and finally says Papa (he does have a sift spot for the Grandpas) but he just adores his family and hates to leave when it is time. It will be interesting to see the change when this baby comes and he has to share the limelight. He is spoiled, but I think most first-borns are. But he loves babies and I look forward to him meeting his little brother!!!

 

I am feeling pretty good. I still throw up here and there, but at least I feel good 98% of the time. It is nice to enjoy the pregnancy for now. We have our fetal echo the first week of July and once that is over and everything is cleared, I will truly breathe a sigh of relief. It is HUGE to have this baby not have major problems. I still am in shock I think. But it is fun to be able to plan for a pretty much healthy child. I bought a few newborn outfits and kept the receipts. But I may just have to have a burning ceremony or something once we graduate from Perinatology hopefully the second week of July. I remember starting the little ticker for this baby, and having I think like 270 days till the baby came, and soon enough (in 61 days) I will have less than a 100 days left. It is going by slowly and quickly all at once!!! Anyways, better get to bed!!!

Waiting for this Day

My computer has been acting up, so sorry about the belated post. Today was a long day. It seemed like forever to wait for our appointment this afternoon. We dropped Collin off to one of our dear friends, and headed down. Mike's Mom came along. When we were diagnosed with Lilly, she was in Africa, and when I had my appointment while pregnant with Ryker, she was there when the bomb was dropped about his heart. Mike's Mom (I call her Mom) was due to be there for an ultrasound with us where there was good news. We went in, and our perinatologist was already in the room. Now normally the ultrasound tech would scan first, and than our doctor would come in and scan. But at the last appointment, I mentioned what had happened with Ryker. I saw the same Dr. and Mike was with me while the ultrasound tech scanned, and even though she knew something was off, she did not even hint that he should maybe hang around when he said he needed to head back down to his unit. Thank-heavens for my mother-in-law, because when the doctor came in and said there was something majorly wrong, I am not sure that I could have handled the news by myself. I discussed this with our Dr the last time, so it was pretty kind that he took that consideration to eliminate the extra worry. He started with the head, and we saw the brain and it's lobes. He had not intended to scan the heart next, but our baby just wanted to show off his heart. When he said "4 chambers", I told him that he could repeat that phrase over and over again. Now it is amazing what they can see with the baby's heart only being about 1/2 inch big. We even saw the major vessels and arteries. He scanned the kidneys, stomach, legs, arms. The only picture we did not really get was a clear shot of the face. He wanted to make sure the lip was formed and not cleft, but really, I can handle cosmetic issues. We were truly in just complete shock that this baby was perfect. This truly was not a day I thought I would ever see, that we would ever see. When lightening strikes twice, you just expect it to strike a third time. It wasn't till we got into the car and were on the freeway that the tears of gratitude came. This baby is healthy (and we are working on a name, I promise!) and I cannot express our gratitude to be able to say that!!! I am even going to say it again: this baby is healthy! Perfect in body. An answer to many many prayers. I had them print off some pictures, and the one I asked for was the 4 chambered heart. My scanner is having issues, but I do not care when, I will be showing that off because it just meant so much to not see the problems we faced with Lilly and Ryker. I would never change the way things happened, because they are so much a part of us and where we are, where we have been, and where we hope to someday be. But I am also grateful to not have to worry about funeral arrangements to be made even before our baby is born. It is very difficult to enjoy a pregnancy when you are mourning the loss even before it happens. Anyway, I hope my ramblings made some sense. My euphoria is still running high and I must sign off to go to bed and go and thank our Heavenly Father for this blessing. Good night all!!!! And thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for the prayers/kind thoughts/well-wishes!!!!

Tomorrow

I am trying not to think about tomorrow. I had troubles sleeping last night, just kept crying and worrying about this baby. I keep trying to compare the emotions and feelings to those of when I was pregnant with Ryker, to see if I was more worried then than I am now, but that just stresses me out. I just want him to be healthy, to have a perfect heart. I want to know what it is like to have the biggest worry be if he is eating enough and if he is smiling and hitting milestones, not having to worry if he will make it through open heart surgery, not worrying if his chest will be able to be closed, or if he will be able to trial off the ventilator. Those were very long and difficult days, and days that I never want to experience again. We visited Lilly and Ryker's grave yesterday. Collin was too excited seeing the pinwheel, and flowers, and looking at  the other flowers and sitting on other headstones. Mike was trying to get him to stop, but being 15 months, he does not understand. I have to work the first half of tomorrow, so it will be a good distraction. My appointment is for later in the afternoon. They will be scanning for major defects. I am almost 17 weeks, so although early, we will be able to look at the major parts of the heart. Our biggest worry is seeing all 4 chambers of the heart, something Ryker did not have. This picture shows you the comparison of the two hearts.

The HLHS heart is on the right. Ryker was missing his left ventricle, and his left atrium was very small. The left side pumps to the whole body, and so in a HLHS heart, they re-work the plumbing to have the right side do all the work of the heart essentially. We just really need our little guy to have a perfect heart.

A very wise man once said, " The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Joseph B. Wirthlin was the wonderful man who wrote these words. When I heard this talk, I cried. Cried tears of joy, tears of pain, tears of humility. His words struck home. They were said during a time that was very difficult. We were coming up on the one year mark of Ryker's being born and the second of Lilly's birth. I was so sad. But when I heard these words, there was peace. I know there is something so much more than I am. I am so far from perfect. I make mistakes every day. But I do know Lilly and Ryker are perfect, and because of their sweet obedience, they are truly saved from the pains and grief of this world, which can be so hard and ugly at the same times it can beautiful and peaceful. I want this little boy to know the good and bad from this world. There must be opposites, or how are we to truly learn? I will read this talk again and again the next two days, and use the sweet words of comfort as balm to my soul. Well, I must sign off, because Collin and I have errands and some chores to be done. If you could just say a little prayer for us tonight, for this little baby and for the doctor too who will perform the scan tomorrow, that he might be able to get the pictures they need. Thank-you.