Content With What We Are..........

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I was on Facebook tonight and stumbled across this quote. I want to get up on my soapbox for a few moments, and discuss this. I have never really fit into a group. I went through elementary school always well liked, had friends that were "cool", friends that were not, and I did not care either way. When I moved into Jr. High, I grew boobs, at like the age of 14 (yeah, it sucked for me actually.) So there were boys in my stake that I would flirt with and such, and I had a "boyfriend" for about 1/2 a year (who thank heavens broke up with me, because he was "cheating" on me, more than likely because I either put on a few pounds or he knew I would not put out.) But I had my best friends, had my family, and so I never really felt overly insecure.


 I am way immature, even now, and you know would know that if you knew me, really knew me. I even annoy my husband sometimes, when I am around my family (yeah, we excuse ourselves for being immature by saying we are from west-by-gosh-virginia and did not lean any manners) not that my parents did not try to calm the zoo, we are just a wild bunch. (Case in point, holding siblings down and tickling them until they pee their pants, or having a brother jump in your face and fart. Yeah.) Anyways, I really did not even have an in-secure moment until eleventh grade band camp, when my best friend informed me I was embarrassing (and my sister) which may or may not have had something to do with shooting jello out of my nose and she actually meant it. It still did not faze me too much, just made me realize I probably did not fit in (nor would I) with the cooler band kids. I moved the end of my eleventh grade year to Florida, again had awesome friends, and moved the beginning of my senior year to Utah, and made some amazing friends that I still am best friends with (although the girls that were my age, in my ward, were not accepting or inviting, so I honestly just hung with the younger girls in those situations.)

So although I saw the competition amongst individuals in regards to social standings, I just never really felt the need to get into it. I liked being me, and being the truest me I could, was really all that mattered. And all of that stayed that way until about 4 1/2 years ago, when I came to work where I work now. You see, I work with women. And I work with a lot of them. I always say that the floor I work on (it is a mother/baby floor, yep, lots and lots of women and hormones-a-flying) oozes estrogen. I am always happy to go home to a house of boys after a few days of working. But it is the first time that I have felt the sting of working with women.


 I seriously and honestly feel like it is a constant competition. I had never known that there were so many diets, or so many boob jobs going on, or a competition to see who had the nicer house, or the nicer car, or the nicer trip, etc, etc, etc. And here's the thing, it ALL goes back to this quote. There is something in the Utah/Utah-LDS community that is something like I have never seen. "We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” This need to compete is something I have even seen in both my family and my in-laws. I think we just lose sight of what is important. I know I have. I want to be skinny, want to be healthy and look good, want the cute house, with the perfect little family, want to be successful and take the fun trips and post them to my facebook page. But at what point does all of that begin to get in the way of what matters? Will you or I ever be content in the competition? I am always saying, "when we have this or that, I will be happy." But sometimes, those thing do not happen, or happen in a way we did not plan them to. I know that we are trying for perfection, but I am not sure the perfection we are headed for is the kind that Marjorie Pay Hinkley would be smiling down upon. 

How can I simplify my life? When my husband and I are in school, life is CRAZY! And now that we are not, for the moment, it still seems just as crazy! I know that I am supposed to go to school, but it still makes me stop and think. I feel like I am always trying to prove something. And sadly, that is mostly in dealing with family. I want people to see that I am smart, that Mike is a very hard worker, that my boys are super cute, etc, etc, etc. But I think that etc. is my downfall. Maybe I need to move away from the computer. I know I am addicted to technology. I wish I wasn't. Maybe that is where I can simplify my life. It would mean more time spent with my boys, more time with Mike, more time in my house, and more time doing service. I think I am going to have Mike hide the computer from me, at least until nap time tomorrow, and see how much more I get done. 

Anyways, I hope I did not offend. I am trying to be more honest. I honestly do not like to hurt people. It goes against every instinct in my body to hurt anything or anyone, no matter what they have done to me. I try to forgive, even if someone is not sorry, or does not recognize the hurt they have caused, as I am a very sensitive person (I blame losing my babies, as it has made me even more of a teary soul.) So again, I just want to post this quote. And leave with the goal to be a better mom and wife tomorrow. 

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Friends

Olive and Collin (Collin has since had a haircut, thank the shaggy heavens!)

Her American name is Gift, but her name really is Enobo (that more than likely is the wrong spelling though, sorry, I am not familiar with Nigerian spellings!)

It is interesting in taking these pictures, I do not think African typically smile during pictures, because Tui (the Dad) is the happiest smiliest person, and I could not get him to smile whenever I was taking pictures! Super cute family.

One of my biggest complaints when I moved to Utah is the lack of diversity, specifically in regards to the African American culture. I have lived in Ohio, West Virginia, and Florida, and there has always been a blend of cultures and colors of skin, Florida especially. So when I moved to Utah and saw so much white skin, it was actually quite alarming. I want my boys to see different skin colors, to learn to love and accept regardless of skin color. Utah has a rich culture of Polynesians and Latinos, and of course a dominant caucasian presence. But in the 1500 students at the high school I graduated from, I think we may have had one African American student. It may seem silly that this made me sad, but again, I love diversity. So last month, as I sat in church, I was pleasantly pleased to learn that we had a family move into our ward, that were originally from Nigeria. This cute family is remarkable. I cannot imagine moving thousands of miles, away from family and loved ones, moving to a completely different continent, different culture, with a different language. And the testimony of love that they share is something to behold. We have begun a friendship with this wonderful family that I hope will blossom into them considering us family. And their little girls are two of the most beautiful girls I have seen.

Cute Vera, she is 7 months old!

I am grateful to have this family as neighbors and in our folds as they are wonderful people.

Pictures of the Boys

I realized today I never finished posting the pictures we had taken of the boys this last September. They were too cute to not share. So here they are, in random order :)

The Reason for the Season

 I adore these two boys. They can make me laugh, cry, pull-my-hair-out, yell, laugh and cry some more. Mike and I work 12 hour shifts at the hospital, and so there are no reinforcements walking through the door at 5, as we work until at least 6:30, sometimes 7 for Mike. So patience is something we most definitely have had to learn, since the days we are home these two cute boys are demanding the attention they want and should get. And I love sticking them in matching jammies and clothes, it is just too cute!

I have loved this time of year, more than years past. Collin has been excited about Christmas since August (oh yeah, this kid loves him some Christmas!) I always fancied myself the hard-core Christmas lover, but Collin puts me to shame. How many 2 year olds do you know that knows the words to almost every Christmas song there ever was, or yells at his parents for turning Christmas lights off? (don't worry, sassiness does not get far in our home.) Collin was actually the one who helped me decorate the tree, and string the cranberry/popcorn garland.  *BTW, I am working on the Christmas tree post, so I will post pictures of that later this week! *

Their enthusiasm is just so catching. I am trying to instill in them the real meaning of Christmas. We have two toy set manger scenes, and they are played with both by Collin and Jacob. When you live in such a materialistic society, it is difficult to shun them from what Christmas has become, one filled with people fighting over toys and gadgets and making Christmas all about what you get, not what you give. So I am planning caroling, making goodies for neighbors, and we even get the blessing of sharing our Christmas with another family that is new to this country. That is what makes Christmas, stretching your heart to allow more love in. So while I know this next week will be hard with Ryker's angel day quickly approaching, I will look to the joy we will experience sharing the joy of our Savior, the greatest gift ever, with our sweet guys. And to end this post, I just want to share a sweet little movie. 

Reminds me of my boys. 

Merry Christmas!!!

In a Funk

Have you ever been so happy and so sad all at once? That is me.  I miss Ryker. Every Christmas song is a reminder of my life 4 years ago, and how next year it will be five years. Five Years. Wow. How does that happen? How does that much time pass? How has it been 4 years since I have held him, kissed his little hands and feet, kissed his sweet head. But yet I love this time of year, love seeing the boys so excited, love being yelled at by the almost 3 year old about how he does not like the Christmas lights turned off.

 I think I may have found a way out of my funk this morning. While I was sitting at church, I decided that I am tired of being a Utah Mormon. This is nothing to offend, it is just how it is. I live in a pretty awesome ward. We are well loved and cared for, do not get me wrong by any means. But growing up, my ward was (and they actually still are) my family. You see, living in Ohio, West Virginia, and Florida collectively, we always lived in a ward where most of the people did not have other family close by, so we literally spent most of our holidays with one another. In Utah, most families have family all around. Most do not truly understand what it is like to rely on your ward as you would your family.

So I have decided to become what I once was, a non-Utah Mormon, although living in Utah this time. I want to really get to know my neighbors, have them over for dinners, holidays even, if they are willing. The purpose of our ward is to get to know each other, to love and support each other, and I need to do that better. I tire of the mediocrity. I am tired of selfish thinking. This is the time of year to give, to push yourself out of the comfort zone and live a Christ-like life. Lilly and Ryker taught me to be everything but selfish. They taught me to love, to appreciate the small and simple moments, to give of yourself and love some more. Hence my glee in sharing a Christmas carol or book with my boys, and the reason I am happy to hold my 13 month old as he sleeps in my arms because he wants held during a nap.

We are horrible at sleep training. But I asked this question to a friend: "how can you make a little miracle cry it out?" I think of myself 15 months or so ago. I think that if you had asked me about sleep training I would have laughed at you. We nearly lost Jacob. We came very near to not having sleepless nights and not having sweet Jacob in our home or life. He is incredibly sweet. He covers his ears during any raised voices, is so patient with Collin tormenting him, and just wants loved and snuggled. Even the physical therapist commented on how sweet Jacob is. That scares me. I am scarred. After having two celestial babies, and I need a naughty so they can stay around. So I will take my lack of sleep. Holding a sweet sleeping baby is way better.

Anyways, I need to get back to stringing cranberries and popcorn. I will post a picture of our tree this week, as it is lovely, with lots of sparkly lights and come tomorrow evening ornaments, I am already in love with it (and the divine smell of pine!) And after finals this week and next, we will be hitting our baking list!

To Do in 2012

Can you believe we are just a little over a month from a new year? How will you end out 2011? I know there are some things I would like to do. I would love to do some more service, lose more weight, etc. So in thinking about these goals, I decided it may be good to set some New Years resolutions, and get a jump start during the month of December. So in no particular order:

- lose weight

- completely finish the Jillian Michael's Thirty Day Shred for a full 30 days

- grow an even larger garden with lots of pumpkins

- take a photography class

- possibly take a painting class

- run a 5k

- take goodies randomly to either friends, neighbors, co-workers once a month

- have Perrie over more

- have at least 4 get-togethers at our home

- have a fall harvest party

- paint our living room and dining room

- take my boys to the ocean 

- not let clean loads of laundry stack up

- get A's in all of my classes

- have a girls' night every other month

- spend more time with our families

- have regular family home evenings

- watch less tv/ spend less time on the computer

- be diligent about reading the scriptures as a family

- eat even healthier

- fit into a cute bathing suit 

I think that is a pretty good list. And I know, I may not get to all of them in the next year, but I sure can have fun while trying! 

So what are your goals? What would you like to do in 2012.


Oh, and I had to share this:


"Perfection comes not in this life but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable. But demand of yourself improvement."-Russel M. Nelson


And than this wonderful movie. 

Our Story

So here it goes. The story of how our family became a family. And why sometimes, we are just alive and here (I say that a lot, when someone at work or church asks how we are doing) "I'm here." 

Because really, sometimes that's enough.

I want to share the blog that inspired this letter. The blog is the story of Ruby. A must read in my opinion. Grab a box of tissues first.

This is long, but it is my story, better, my family's story. And I feel like it is something that needs to be shared today, especially as we head into Lilly's angel day on Friday. So here it is. And probably grab a few more tissues. It is pretty heartfelt and honest.

Ani,

I know you do not know me. I stumbled upon your blog today. I read it as I held my almost 3 year old and 1 year in old in my lap. I read it as tears poured down my face, and my almost 3 year old kept asking "are you sad momma, you okay?" and as my 1 year old just looked up concerned at his mom crying. I wish I could hug you, and let you know that although that pain never fades, the days get better, and you will cry less. The constant pain does fade.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first, I was already 7-8 weeks along. I had been so busy with a move, and changing jobs that it did not even occur to me my period was late. Ironically, my husband's identical twin and his wife had just announced the week before that they were expecting their first. At 17 weeks, we went into a gender ultrasound place in the mall, and found out our baby would be a little girl. At 20 weeks, I went in for my medical ultrasound and check-up. The technician said nothing to us about what she was seeing, she was too busy with a salesman who wanted to sell them this new ultrasound machine. So when I went into the midwife's office, and she told us there was a problem, our world came shattering down. After many specialist and many scans, we were told that we could abort or carry our baby girl, but that there was a mere 1% chance she would make it longer than an hour or two after birth.

At 37.5 weeks, I decided it was time, and after 20 hours of labor, Lilly came into our lives. She was born 3 hours after her cousin, October 18th, 2006 at 5 am via a c-section. They took her out and put her immediately under the warmer. They wrapped her up and told my husband to take her over to me to say goodbye. I kissed that sweet face, and told her how proud I was of her, what a blessing she was to her dad and I. All of a sudden, her heart started to beat a little harder, she began to pink up, and I kissed her and told my husband to take her out to our waiting family so they could enjoy a few precious moments with her. 

I was wheeled back into the room, and she was there, being sung to and loved by our families. I am not sure Lilly was hardly ever put down. We took her home when she was 3 days old. Someone would come over almost every night to help us (best friends, sisters, moms, sister-in-laws, etc.) Each day was fraught with seizures, trying to get Lilly to eat something, and wondering if this would be her last day. She got sick the week of Thanksgiving, and when my mom left the Tuesday before, I told her I was worried about what would happen with Lilly while she was gone. Thanksgiving came, and after taking my husband to work (the day after at 6 am) I went up to my in-laws so that I could do some Christmas shopping. I kept thinking "oh, I will go shopping now" and would just keep putting it off. My sister-in-law was there with my niece, and my niece was laying on the floor, in front of a gas fire, so I laid Lilly next to her. I checked on her short while later, and she was blue. I immediately picked her up, and she was not breathing. I started crying, and I remember pleading with her to live. She started gasping and my stunned sister-in-law was finally able to yell for our mother-in-law. We immediately packed her into the car and rushed home to the oxygen that was at my house. While in my house, I remember grabbing the breast milk from the fridge, when the thought calmly crossed my mind "this will be the last time." We got ahold of her hospice nurse and she met us at the hospital. Since Lilly had been just little sick that week, we suspected she had aspirated at some point. The hospice nurse told us to take her home that it would not be long. My husband came down from his unit (we both work at the hospital) and we left. We went to lunch with our family as it was my father-in-law's birthday, while I pleaded on the phone for my parents to please hurry home from California, that I needed them. We spent the time at my in-laws, holding Lilly as she struggled to breathe and live. We gave her a blessing to release her, and late in the night, my husband and I went and laid with her in a bed, just holding her between us, showering love upon her. She held on for a whole day and a half, making it long enough so that my family could say goodbye to her, and than she passed sweetly from this world, while being held by her Dad.

Two weeks after we had Lilly, I told my husband that I wanted to start right away trying to have a baby, as I knew it would be helpful with healing to be able to hold onto hope that if something did happen to Lilly, our arms would not ache so badly from being empty. So 3 months after she passed away, we were expecting again. I was so nervous, but had been told to not worry, what she had was not a common condition that would be passed on. So at 16 weeks, with our little guy's brain looking perfect, we calmed down and finally starting enjoying the pregnancy. At 22 weeks, I went into the perinatologist to check our little guy out. My husband was in there with me for the first part of the scan. But he had to get back to his unit for work, so my mother-in-law came in while the specialist was scanning. Again our world was rocked. Our little boy had some obvious defects with his heart. We would later learn he was missing 1 1/2 chambers on the left side, and had a condition called hypoplastic left heart syndrome. We made the plan to deliver via c-section at the University of Utah Medical Center, where he would be transferred to Primary Children's Medical Center for the first of three heart surgeries. He was born shortly after 37 weeks, on October 27th, 2007, and had his first open-heart surgery at 5 days of age. It was horrible to hand him over, and than to have him come back so unbelievably swollen and sick. It literally made my stomach sick to see him, and realize what he had just been through. I ended up getting really sick and than had to be re-hospitalized, and did not see him for 3 days. He looked much better the next time I saw him. We had held Ryker each 4 times before his surgery, as he was intubated and very critical. At 3 weeks, while adjusting his feeding tube, they accidentally tore his stomach in 3 places and he was vomiting and pooping straight blood. They did an emergency surgery, and told us it would take 1 hour, and finally at 4 hours, they came and talked to us. He had received over 400 mls of blood product, and they had to remove quite a bit of his stomach, but he was finally stable. We spent the night of our anniversary in a sleeping room outside the PICU. Ryker continued to fight. He made me smile and cry each and every day. He had an incredibly strong spirit, but I knew he was hurting. At 6 weeks, they finally let me hold him. They worked that week to trial him off of the ventilator, and at exactly 7 weeks, we went up to see him extubated. We sat with him for 40 minutes, but as I had to return to work the night before and had barely slept, nor had I eaten or pumped in some time, we left to go and take care of those needs. We hurried and ate, and I told my husband that I would feel better if we went back up and he sat with him while I pumped, so we both went back up. We were chatting with another family (a distant cousin on my husband's side ironically whose son was born with the same condition as our son) when another nurse said we might want to get to Ryker's room.

They were re-intubating him, and I remember having a really bad feeling. I immediately called my parents and in-laws, and felt prompted to tell them to leave and come up, that I felt like something was wrong. I watched outside his room as his normal sats (while being intubated) of 75-85 dropped to 60, than 50, and than 30, and than stayed at 19. Being in the medical profession, I knew what was happening. But while I knew that, I did not want it. We had already been through this trial. I apparently started yelling "no, no, no" as they brought the crash cart outside Ryker's room. Our next door neighbor's mom came out and hugged me, telling me how sorry she was, and brought us some soft tissues. They brought the ECMO machine outside of his room, and the cardiothoracic surgeon showed up. He and the cardiologist scanned and re-scanned Ryker's heart, looking for the cause of what was causing all of this. Our parents arrived. The surgeon who had just repaired Ryker's heart seven weeks before came out and talked to us. We knew. We just knew. He told us our options. We could try and have them place him on ECMO, but the surgeon was concerned he would die before they could even get the cannulas in. Without a word to each other, my husband and I just looked at each other, and told him no, that it was Ryker's time to say goodbye. I went back into Ryker's room, as the sweet resident pushed dose after dose of EPI into him. We asked her keep him alive so that we could give him a name and blessing. The blessing was so sweet, as my husband named him and released him from this world, all in one blessing. I remember touching the resident's hand and saying "no more. It is okay. It is time to say goodbye." I started removing the wires and lines that I could. They had brought in two rocking chairs, and I asked them to get us a couch so that my husband and I could say goodbye to our baby with him in our arms. We sat down, and the nurse brought him over as the respiratory therapist continued bagging Ryker. We kissed our sweet baby. We told him how proud we were of him, that he had fought so valiantly. We told him how much we would miss him, and to stay near to us as he could. And than he was gone. Everyone took turns holding him, as besides my husband and I, the only one to hold him was my mom once. I remember about 10-15 minutes after he passed, feeling his spirit come back into the room, and to my side, and realizing that this was the spirit of my baby, but that of a young man's We held him for a few hours, and than said goodbye. I remember falling asleep that night, and awaking like I always did at 4 when I would normally pump and call the hospital. I remember going through that day and wishing we could just go back up to the hospital and pretend like none of this had happened. We buried him a week before Christmas. I hated Christmas that year. We even had already bought Ryker's Christmas presents, and taking them back to Target was excruciating, as the cashier asked if there was anything wrong with the little outfits and toys. I could not tell her "well yes, everything was wrong with them. They are for a little boy who sits in a morgue waiting for an autopsy and to than be buried.

We decided after everything to wait off on having more babies. I was not on any birth control though, because I did not see the point, as I had not even had a period since Having Ryker. 7 months later, we decided to start he adoption process. Two months later, we were on-line and waiting for the call. 6 months later, we got the call, and 5 weeks later, after quickly becoming foster parents because of some extenuating circumstances, we brought our baby boy, Collin, home. He was legally ours 9 months later, and sealed to us, and before we knew it he was one. When he was 13 months, I started feeling sick. Ever since having Ryker, my body had been doing strange things and having issues with being regular and in regards to ovulation. So I did not suspect pregnancy. But after talking to one of my co-workers, I decided the next day to buy a pregnancy test, just on a whim (and to prove her wrong.) Sure enough, we were pregnant. I was freaked. I saw perinatology every two weeks from 8 weeks on, and in-between I was seeing my OB. We did a CVS test at 12 weeks and found out we were having a boy. At 17 weeks, we did a full ultrasound (I had been getting them before, but this was the first time we could see anything really clearly and in de-tail.) Everything looked great. We could not see any issues with the chambers of the heart, although it was still a bit early. At 21 weeks, I went to cardiology (in-between Ryker and Collin, they had discovered there was some genetic link between my husband's heart defect and our son's, and we had a niece born 7 months later with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, but she is now 3.) So while they were scanning, I told my husband that I felt like there would be something wrong. Not anything major, but just something minor. And I was actually right. Our son had a suspected coarctation of the aorta, the same heart condition as my husband's. I was supposed to go back to perinatology for a scan the next week, but my brother came home from Afghanistan, and so at 23 weeks, at the perinatology appointment, our world came crashing down once more. This baby, for some unknown reason, had developed fluid around his lungs. He had developed a condition called Hydrops. We started going twice a week for scans, and they even did several drainings of fluid from around the lungs. At 26 weeks, they decided to perform a fetal surgery and place a permanent drain through me and into my baby, shunting his lungs from the fluid. This was a very painful procedure, but it was successful in saving our Jacob's life. I went on bed-rest at 33 1/2 weeks, due to preeclampsia, and delivered him at 36 weeks. I had become so sick from the pre-eclampsia so they decided to go ahead and get Jacob out. He only had C-PAP for about 2 hours after birth, and was transferred at 15 hours over to Primary's. He had heart surgery at 6 days, and was home on day 12. He did come home with a feeding tube and oxygen,  but within the weeks after, he was able to get rid of them. Having Jacob was very healing. Many of the nurses that had taken care of Ryker took care of Jacob. And the fact that we were able to bring our baby home from Primary's was huge.

Now 4 and 5 years later after losing Lilly and Ryker, I miss them. There are days where it hurts a great bit. But most days, we do pretty well. The first year was excruciating, and some days and birthdays are worse than others. Lilly's birthday was hard this year because her cousin (whom shares the same birthday) had a princess party with friends, and had Lilly been alive, she would have been there. Sometimes I do not even need a reason. I love and miss them dearly. I know my boys know them, but I wish they could have REALLY known them. It also scares me that something will happen to Jacob, because he is so incredibly sweet, and I am not the only one to notice that. I have not had the greatest sleep since Jacob, but I really do not mind, because if something ever happened to him, I will have known I did not take those precious moments for granted.

Someday your heart will not ache so. Someday you will not cry every time you think of your sweet Ruby. However, Satan will always be there, trying to make you feel doubt, feel misery. That is when you will call on your personal guardian angel. She will come, and she will bring peace to you, and to your family. The spirit world is so very close. And while there is important work going on over there, none of that work is as important as watching over her family. I hope I did not sadden you further. I just wanted to know that Ruby has touched my life today, that your family has made a difference in sharing your and her story. We did not donate Lilly's organs. I wish we had. I wish I had known more. My hypoplastic left heart niece will need a heart transplant someday. Our Ryker, had he lived, would have needed one. I think putting the word out there about the need for organ transplant is a mission Ruby would be so very pleased with.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Emily Gourley

A Letter and Explanation

I stumbled upon an amazing blog. It made me cry. It was about one courageous little baby girl, and her 6-7 month fight with liver disease. The funny part about crying is that Collin is just so sympathetic. This is how it usually goes down.

me: sitting on the couch, bawling my eyes out. Jacob in my lap, looking up confused and bewildered,       and concerned, all at one.
Collin: Momma, are you sad?
me: Yes, sweetheart, momma is sad.
Collin: It's okay momma, I kiss it better.

Have I mentioned I love this kid?

But I sent that sweet mom a letter. Because I know better than most what it is like to love and lose, essentially. (I say essentially, because I have lost them for now, and my heart yearns for when the time will come when I can hold the two of them in my arms.) Think about it, imagine those who are near and dear to you. Now imagine having to say goodbye to them, knowing that they are just fine, but not being able to call that person, or text them, or see pictures. I do have my own way of communicating with them, something I would never share here, because not only is it sacred but you all might see me as more nuts than I already come off.

Back to the note though. I wrote to her. It was long. Probably one of the longest e-mails I have ever written or sent. I will publish tomorrow what I wrote her, because it would be the one post to read that has our whole story (mostly, well as close as you can get.)

Did I mention my camera broke for good? Yeah. It's gone. Deciding what to do. I am thinking of going SLR. I think especially since my in-laws just gave us a couch, so now we will not have to buy one in the spring, so I am thinking of going for the nicer camera. We will see. I think it would be marvelous. And maybe I could learn a trick or two and make us money on the side (I am thinking while I am in PA school.) Anyways, I am off. I will be posting "the letter" tomorrow, so come back for that.

Anniversary

I had the awesome opportunity 7 years ago today, of kneeling across from best friend and committing to him to share together the hard times, the good times, the happy moments and sad ones too. We committed to love each other, to hold to each other, and we were sealed together for time and all eternity. Growing up and talking about my religion (I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) to people who were not of my religion were always so drawn to the fact that in every other marriage ceremony, it is always "till death do you part." And not only does our sealing bind my husband and I together, but it binds our children to us. So that if we live the way we should, we will have Lilly and Ryker again to raise. 

It blows my mind that it has been seven years. I can actually remember my parents celebrating their 7th anniversary (I was 5 and I actually have a pretty amazing memory that way.) We have been through 3 very scary pregnancies and deliveries, 1 very nerve-racking adoptions, what feels like countless semesters of school, the scary weeks and months worrying about money (I am not sure that will ever come to end, maybe if I inherit a couple of million!) and we still are so in love. Mike puts up with a lot. I swear quite often (I do try not to, I promise.) He puts up with my rants and fits. Even puts up with my bouts of road rage (I am not usually driving, I just do not have a strong liking to Utah drivers.) And I feel so grateful to have him. He is a wonderful father, an incredible husband, and such a hard worker. We are from perfect, but together, we offer such a wonderful balance. I look forward to many more years together with my best friend. He just makes me so happy. So honey, happy 7th anniversary. Thank-goodness for no 7-year itches here!

"Its My Turn Momma"

We have a little independent soul in our house. Most kids say "I do it" but Collin's phrase is "its my turn." Brushing teeth, picking out books, eating dinner, washing hair, getting dressed, even picking up toys at times. Collin has always a more independent little boy, much more so than our snuggler Jacob, but it makes me sad and happy all at once. I was thinking today, before I know it, Collin and Jacob will be starting school, than graduating, going on missions, and than getting married with families of their own. And it made me sad. I love my boys. I always worry without having girls in the house, will Mike and I be alone for the holidays some day? I see it with one of Mike's aunt and uncle and it makes me sad. I hope i can be the kind of mom that makes my boys want to come home for the holidays. 

My Boys

I wish my computer had not crashed this last summer, because man do I miss my photoshop. (I now have a Mac, which is not compatible with the version of photoshop I own.) We were supposed to take family pictures in September, but we did not realize that Mike's schedule changed the same weekend we had them scheduled. So I am hoping in the spring to have family pictures taken (I love outside pictures and it is currently very cold in Utah.) But Mike has a cousin that likes to dabble in photography, and she took some really cute pictures of the boys.

Collin is now 3 months away from turning 3. I cannot believe this funny spunky little boy has been in our lives this long. Time just truly flies by. He now is potty trained (except at night and naps, although usually stays dry most of the night and even during naps) which makes us the happiest parents as two bottoms in diapers gets expensive! He ran around half naked for about 6-7 months while we were home, and it just clicked with him. We still give him small treats for number 2, but he is just so good to let is know.

He loves TV a bit too much, a bad habit he picked up last year when I was on bedrest. But he LOVES books probably more, and is always bringing us books to read to him. He is obsessed with Christmas, much to Mike's dismay and loves to listen to and sing Christmas songs, has a pretty decent "ho, ho, ho" and thinks Santa is pretty cool.

Collin is incredibly spunky. This morning, I went out the garage to get his shoes out of the car. He was standing at the door saying "no momma, its cold, come inside, you need your coat, you will get sick, come inside right now." Hmmm, apparently he is more perceptive than I thought. He still ha not sworn, which if you knew me, and my *cough* occasional shit, damn, or hell *cough* is pretty miraculous.

He has the most darling dimples, and when I get him ready for church on Sunday, he tells me "momma, I's handsome." He loves Jacob, and they both get so excited to see each other. Oddly enough, Collin is incredibly sweet to other children. The reason I find this somewhat odd is that he and his cousin Tatum fight, all. The. Time. They love each other, but after the novelty of being together wears off, it is like they could be brothers. But in nursery and with other kids, he is always sharing his snacks and toys.

On to Jacob. Jacob is incredibly sweet. He is so sweet and cuddly sometimes it scares me (I have a constant worry since Lilly  and Ryker were so sweet that it seems like the cute sweet kind of spirits are the celestial variety and I don't ever want to lose another one of my children.) He wants to be held, something Collin did not like after he was about 6-7 months and so mobile. He is doing better at sleeping through the night, but still has nights where that does not happen.

In regards to development, Jacob is kind of mixed. He has great fine motor skills (those necessary to grasp little things) but his gross motor skills are behind. He rolls around, is becoming a pretty good butt-scooter, gets up and rock while he is on his hands and knees, can stand while somewhat supported, but that is where it ends. We are supposed to be getting an evaluation from Kids-on-the-Move but it has not happened yet. He loves to clap, will cover his eyes and play peek-a-boo with you, gives us kisses, and than wants to be snuggled some more. You would swear he was still breastfeeding as he is the biggest Momma's boy I know. He is happy, love to giggle and be tickled, and thinks that bath time is the bee's knees. We love him and he is just the sweetest happiest little addition in our family.

We are heading into the end of the semester for both Mike and I, so you may not see a post for another month, as the blessed Holiday season is upon us. Plus, Mike and I are celebrating our 7th anniversary next week (where did those years go) so I want to wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving. I am so very grateful for my family and all that they bless me with.

*And if you are wanting an invite the fitness blog, leave me a message with your e-mail. I do not publish any e-mail, BTW!


Jacob loves to eat.

A Fresh Start

I have been secretly writing a blog about my weight loss. It is true, it is real, and currently it is private. I have not had the guts to share it with anyone.  While that makes me feel safe, it also makes me feel frustrated as I can not share the good news. I started the blog when I was considering trying out for The Biggest Loser. So I am considering opening it to a select few. Like I said with my last post, I am not even sure that anyone reads this blog as I do not update very regularly. If you would like to read the blog (and the pictures are not pretty people!) leave your e-mail address. I probably will not invite everyone, because there are some people who do not understand what it is like to deal with real weight issues, so if you do not get an invite, please do no feel offended. This is hard to share this. But this journey is real.

And oh, I have even more of a reason to lose some weight. We are vacationing this next year, probably in the Western Caribbean (if we do not decide to go somewhere else with our littles!) and so that means me being in a swimsuit. So it is do or die!

Did You Miss Us?

I would be amazed if anyone still reads this, as I basically left most people high and dry. And when it has been awhile between posts, I start to wonder why I keep up with it, as there are so many other blogs out there. But since I do not write for others, but as a record to my children that we do love them and we do try our best (that sort of feeling gets sketchy as little people turn into yucky teenagers) I continue to post.

There are a lot of pictures that you are about to be bombed with. Guess what? I finally found my camera. Yeah, it sadly went missing for awhile. So some of these are older, but still need to be shared.

Love these chubby little thighs! This was from early this summer. And I love those eyes!

We spent many an afternoon at the splash pads this summer. I miss those days, as it is already cold here in Utah! I would spend the time with my sister, her two little ones, and one of my best friends, Abby and her little guy. The three two year olds would run around while the moms would do their best to keep the two babies in the shade. It was a lovely way to pass the days!

 Oh yes, the notorious baby lotion pictures. I think these were from back in May. This is what a 10 minute shower will get you. And no, the culprit was not Jacob. It was actually Collin, Jacob just offered his help in eating and smearing!

This handsome guy already knows he is handsome. He tells us all the time. "Momma, I's handsome" And he likes older girls. That's right, this little 2 1/2 year old would hang out with the 9-11 year old girls at the splash pad. They thought he was funny and cute. We are in so much trouble!

 These are some of my favorite pictures. Mike had a really bad migraine on my birthday. It finally alleviated enough to be able to spend the day in one of my favorite ways: picking out pumpkins for our little porch! This patch had some pumpkins with personality too. 

 And last but not least, we had Jacob's (who actually shared with Collin)  on year birthday party. This cake was 6 layers of cake, with buttercream frosting inbetween (yummy!) in yellows and oranges. It looked amazing when cut! 

 You will have to zoom in on this picture to see the beautiful colors of the cake. The party was a fall party. We had pumpkins galore, straw bales, yummy soups and rolls, lemonade, a delicious fruit salad, and of course, the cake. There were activities for the kids, a bean bag toss, a mix of tables and chairs with different quilts laid about, and lots of friends and family to help us celebrate. The pictures I have are thanks to a friend. I am sooo not very good at making sure we get the pictures. 

Jacob the Skunk, Suzie the owl, Khloe the butterfly, Collin the pirate, and Tatum the pumpkin! It is quite funny that Collin is the only non-blonde of the nieces and nephews.  

These are some of the pictures we took of the boys. I have not touched them all up, and there are even more that are so cute. I love my boys!

Overall, we have been just busy and happy. It is very much an emotional roller-coaster. This year was hard. My niece had her very first friend birthday party in celebration of her turning 5. This will always be bittersweet. i love seeing her grow up, but it hurts because Lilly would have been there (and maybe even was). She would be starting kindergarten next year. But than if we had not lost her, or Ryker, we would not have Collin. 

Ryker would have turned 4 on the 27th. It was a hard day. For three days, I would just cry. I think the reason it hurts so much is that even though our minds say we are fine, our spirit's weep. They weep for the loss, and the hurt in our hearts.

So Happy Belated Birthday Sweet Ryker. We love you. We miss you. Help get your heart cousin buddy out of Primary's and home (if you could keep our niece Gracie in your prayers, and her sweet family, that would be awesome. She was readmitted yesterday as one little sick girl.)

Well, that is it for now. Off to do some more homework, and to go work some more on my little guy's busy books. So excited for the hoildays!

Here.

Here I am, writing once again. My heart has not been in it. Nor my mind. I just think "why would anyone want to read what I am writing?" It is nothing earth-shattering, or shocking, so I just have not been able to get my heart in it. Jacob is turning one tomorrow. Lilly would have been 5 yesterday. So I will make this short, and post again tomorrow as I have fall break. 

Happy birthday sweet baby. Thank-you for making me a mom, for giving me 5 amazing weeks to share with you. I loved every minute of it. And the pictures of adoration radiating from your dad, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, just are priceless. We miss you more than words could comrpehend, but know that you were just to much for this world, to perfect to have to see or face the ugly that this world seems to show all to often. Thank-you for allowing us to know you. We love you 

baby girl.

An Very Very Unbirthday, to You, to You!

So do you remember watching Alice in Wonderland (the Disney version) where Alice attends an un-birthday party? That is kind of what we had with my family on Saturday. My brother and his family are away, in Ohio, (where we lived when we were little) attending school, and so they came home for two weeks to visit. Their two sons (our nephews) both celebrate birthdays the first few days of August, so we planned a birthday-party/family BBQ/swim for the birthday party celebrations.

My sister Heather about to eat some un-birthday cake

Little Miss Suzie Mae

Well, my brother and two nephews got food poisoning, so we did the BBQ sans their family and my older sister (she was back in DC on a relaxation trip, lucky girl!) So you would think the party would have been ruined, but actually it turned out being very fun! Never knew I could have so much at an un-birthday party! With my younger brother away in Afghanistan this last year, it was just so nice to rest and relax and have a lot of fun. 

 Little Miss Khloe (Suzie and Khloe are both wearing a swimsuit I actually had bought

for our Pricess Lilly. I know she is smiling seeing her cloths being used!

 Khloe's silly Dad, my little brother Jamie

If you know my family, my mom is ALWAYS notorious for bringing way too much food, so that you never leave hungry. So with her cooking, my dad's really yummy BBQ skills, and the extras that the rest of the kids brought, well, we were certainly just very well fed. And after we ate, the pavilion my parents had rented was right next to a swimming pool, so we took the nieces and nephews

over to swim. 

 

We had a great time! The nieces and nephews had a blast playing with their uncle Jacob, and he had a great time teasing and playing with them. We even had birthday cake! What was pretty funny was the other two two year olds laying claim to the presents that were sitting out. We were eating and my sister started busting up laughing. We turned around and my funny little nephew and Collin were each opening a present. Since it was just a coloring book and puzzle book, we let them go to town (Ben and Erica, if you are reading this, we will have to ship you two replacement presents!)

 

Two of my sister in-laws, Lindsey and Amanda, and Jamie again, sitting in the pee-pool,

oops, I mean the kiddie pool!

 My brother Jacob playing with Khloe and Tatum

 Collin trying to swim

 Amanda again (isn't she gorgeous?) She spent the last year having her husband

(my brother Jacob) in Afghanistan.

 Collin and Tatum hugging it out.

  

Collin trying to fit into baby Jacob's hat

 Jake with Baby Jacob

 My brother Jacob really worried that his nieces and nephews would not remember him.

Fat chance of that, they all adore their uncle.

Collin was climbing the bars to the right, when we noticed and went running. Uncle Jacob got there first and moved Collin to a lower set of bars. He honestly just has no fear!

It was just actually really relaxing, and it was nice to just be together, to have my brother Jacob there after surviving the hells of Afghanistan. It makes me a little teary just thinking about what a great time we had all together. So despite our problems and funny stupid quirks, I truly could not have asked for a better family. I think what I learned from this is just accepting that we are all very different, but when there is a lot of love, that can overcome any boundaries we may have.