Can't sleep.

It's 12:36 am, and I can not sleep! I just got my grades tonight, and I did really well. Love the A's. But the one class that was super easy I did not get an A in. I am going to e-mail the teacher, because I am not sure what happened considering that I had A's and B's on all of my assignments. I have been debating for awhile what I want to be when I grow up. I have always wanted to either teach or do nursing. And while I love nursing, I also love to teach. I am considering switching my major back to education, and going that route. The cruddy thing about nursing is the weekends and the holidays. I just do not know. They both feel right, it is just hard to pin down a decision. I hate the rat-race that nursing school is. The average GPA for nursing students this last fall at UVU was a 3.93!!! And while I honestly am a pretty good student, I do have work and want a life too. Teaching is still hard work, don't get me wrong, it just seems like a better fit a lot of times. I think for now I will just keep taking classes toward both, and see where the wind takes me. I have an appt. to see my doctor and have a thyroid scan planned for tomorrow. This kind of stuff FREAKS me out, because ever since my Grandpa died when I was 10 at the young age of 50 from cancer, and my Grandma and her 5 sisters all having cancer, I worry that I will get it. So I am hoping for just some thyroid condition; the symptoms lead me towards maybe hypothyroidism, but who knows. Sorry for such a long post, it just helps to get my thoughts out there.

A Huge Goal.

I am starting a HUGE lifestyle change this week. This lifestyle change is sadly a major part of my life: food. When I say food, I am mostly talking more about an emotional aspect of my life rather than a physical aspect. And specifically, I am talking about the food that I love and really cannot say no to (Olive Garden, Rib City's Three Cheese Fries, lots and lots of bread, lots of other carbs and sugars since thus far in my life, I have considered myself a carbivore!) This is a huge change, one of the biggest I have ever tried to make. It is a pretty controversial diet, but I am doing it under the strict supervision of a nurse practitioner, several doctors, and a nutritionist. I had to have a full on physical, and even had blood work done before I could start the diet. It is the HCG diet, and it is not a diet you take lightly. I start Wednesday, eating whatever I want, loading up on a lot of food both Wednesday and Thursday, and then severally reducing my caloric intake the next 21 days. I will most likely do 2 to 3 cycles, taking 3 week breaks between each cycle. I do not expect everyone to understand, or even like how I am going about doing this. I would not even recommend it to everyone. But what I do ask is that you are supportive and respectful of what I am doing. This is hard, and the more support I get the better. I started another blog to document my journey. You can follow me by clicking here. Thank-you ahead of time for your support. I appreciate it.

Ever Amazed

I am always amazed at life. Mike and I have spent five Christmases as husband and wife. I would have to say that this year was my least favorite. Mike and I both work at the hospital, and one of the not so great perks is that there are always sick people and always women having babies. Needless to say, Mike worked all day, while I was on-call. And although this made for an anticlimactic day, I got in a MUCH needed 2 1/2 hour nap (in my defense I had gotten up at 0530 to drive Mike to work with the car that does well when we are bombarded with snow!)
Most of this last week has been spent at the hospital with my sister. Sadly, my house suffered because my attentions were spent elsewhere. So my house had come to the point where it was overwhelming me. My sister Heather came over, saw the house was messy, and started cleaning and straightening. It was so sweet of her, especially since she just had a baby only 4 days prior.
Another amazing part of my life is this blog. It is so healing for me to blog, to express emotions and thoughts. What I am most amazed about this blog is you, the people who read it. When I started blogging 10 or 11 months ago, I thought it would just be something a few friends would read and an outlet for the grief we were going through. I never imagined all those who would read it. I try to keep track of where my readers are coming from through a software that allows me to feel a little bit safer. I was looking today, and there are people reading all across the U.S.A., Canada, the United Kingdom, Spain, Columbia, New Zealand, and more. I think it is important to have a voice, to be able to talk and vent, laugh and cry, and let people know the real side of what our family is. I just wanted to say thank-you for those who read this blog. Thank-you for the comments, they lift and inspire me.

Merry Christmas

This was such an amazing week, and it seems to have gone by so quickly. I am so glad it is Christmas. I love Christmas day; I love my Savior and it is also a day that gives us a chance to look forward to the next year and the happiness to come. I am so grateful for a loving Savior. Lately, Mike and I have been sad a lot more then we normally are. I know, we have good reason to be, well actually two good reasons. But I am hoping to get out of the rut, and be more grateful. Getting a new nephew for Christmas and having Gracie here have truly made my Christmas. Presents really do not matter, family matters. Yesterday, I was sitting at the hospital with Heather, Tatum was under the bilirubin lights for his jaundice, and so we went downstairs to get some lunch. The girl that was working in the Pink Shop Cafe was a friend of ours from the neighborhood we moved to when we first moved out here. We were visiting with her, when her Dad and little brother came in. We visited for awhile, and as I got up to leave, her Dad followed after me. This kind man was not only my German teacher my senior year of highschool, but he also was the Bishop of the ward we lived in. He spoke to me these kind words, "I can imagine that right now your arms are aching from the emptiness you are feeling, but know that your sweet babies will be with you at this time of year. The Lord has not forgotten you, take peace in that." Tears welled up in my eyes. I hugged and thanked him. Such simple words, but such peaceful words for a soul that lately has been anything but peaceful. So today, this amazing Christmas day, spread the peace and love that this day is all about.
Merry Christmas.

My New Nephew

I now am the proud Aunt to a little nephew. My sister (his Mom) and I are about as close in age as you can be besides being twins (10 1/2 months). She found out she was pregnant at my house (using one of my many pee-sticks) and now nine months later, he is here! We just love him, we all cried when he was born. It was so beautiful! I was there when a friend of mine delivered her little girl and I thought it was awesome. But this was so much more incredible! In our LDS religion, we believe that there are times when the veil between this earth and the here after is very thin. This was one of those moments. My brother-in-law gave my sister and LDS blessing and you could feel such a strong spirit in the room. I know Lilly and Ryker were there, celebrating their sweet cousin into the world. My sister ended up only pushing for about 20 minutes, and even had to stop so the doctor could come. Heather did great, especially for a first time Mom. Since I work on the mother/baby floor, I was allowed to go where most can't. I gave him his first little bath (which he was not very happy about) and even weirdly assisted the doctor with his circumcision. I love being an aunt. We now have 3 nephews and 2 nieces.

Tatum

I experienced an amazing miracle today, the miracle of birth. I will post pictures and more info. I love being an aunt.

Just a hard week.

I wish this week were easier. There is so much on my mind that honestly I think I am going to implode. I am usually a half-glass-full gal, but I will be honest, it is a half-glass-empty week. Mike went to a new cardiologist yesterday, and even the cardiologist picked up on my negativity. It is just one of those weeks, where the fates are conspiring against me. I just have to hold on, and truck on through. I think the greatest gift to me would be little bit of warm weather (hello Hawaii, not really, but I wish). So if you know anyone with extra tickets to Hawaii, send then our way! I am almost finished with finals and I am welcoming the break. I am hoping to have my sanity back soon (at least part of it!)

Ryker's Angel Day

I would like to make a few disclaimers: this post is unusually long, and full of pictures. Some of these pictures are of Ryker, after he had passed away. Remember, it is extremely difficult to share these, but they need to be shared. This is a hard day, but the knowledge of the gospel lifts us.

I wish I could say that it does not hurt. I wish I can say there were not a lot of tears. But part of mourning is letting our hurt show, mourning together. I wanted to share how this day came to be. So I will start at the very beginning.

Saturday, December 15, 2007, was a day Mike and I and our family looked forward for a long time. Ryker had been intubated for seven weeks, and we were so excited to finally experience the joys of having him extubated. The whole week prior, they had been trialing and exercising him in preparation for the day. They were planning to extubate him the night before, but it was my first night back to work, and so I asked if they could wait for Mike and I to both be there. (I am so glad that I am a pushy Mom because I could not imagine if we had not been there, I shutter to consider the possibility) Saturday morning, I came home from work, slept for a few hours and we headed up to Primary's. Mike, his Mom, and I stood there with tears of joy, as they removed Ryker's breathing tube. That first little cry brought tears to all, even the doctors. It was amazing!



After about 30 minutes, we were both starving and went down to get some food. We hurried through, and on our way back to his room, stopped to say hi to a couple of heart families and share our amazing news. One of our favorite nurses Ken let us know that he thought they were reintubating Ryker. We headed into his room, and sure enough, they were. It was hard, because he had only been extubated for about 45 minutes. But we knew this was a very real possibility.  Even after they quickly intubated, we watched as his oxygen levels dropped from the 60's, to the 50's,  the 40's, the 30's, and down to the teens and 20's. I remember yelling out "NO!", when I saw them wheel the blue crash cart, just thinking this could not be happening.  We called our families, and I recall begging and pleading for them to please hurry up there, that something was desperately wrong. Shauntelle, another heart Mom, came and brought us soft tissues and just hugged us. A short while later, our families started arriving, and that's when the the cardiothorasic surgeon and cardiologist came to talk with us. Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Yetman were honest and kind with us, telling us that the only option we had at that point was to surgically place Ryker onto the ECMO machine. Dr. Hawkins let us know that he did not feel like it was the best option. Ryker's o2 were at 19 then, and had been for about 40 min. We just felt so overwhelmingly knew that it was time to say goodbye, and without more then a simple nod to one another, Mike and I told them it was time. Heavenly Father was calling our sweet, sweet baby boy home.



We went into his room, and took some pictures, and I began removing IV's, lines, and leads, as they were no longer needed. The veil was so thin, and the peace there was tremendous. Mike, my Dad, his Dad, and one or two brother-in-laws gave him a name and blessing, while the nursing team pushed in a huge couch, so that Mike and I could hold our sweet baby for one last time.



They put Ryker in our arms and we held him, enjoying our last earthly moments we had with sweet Ryker. They removed the breathing tube and Ryker quickly passed from this world. It just broke our hearts. Our family then took turns holding Ryker's little body, as none of them had had the chance previously, since he had been so sick.




My dear sister-from-other-misters were there to support us. Abby was pregnant with her little first at the time, and Courtney worked in the PICU that Ryker lived his short seven weeks in.



One of my favorite things that I have from my baby's passing is the beautiful hand and foot molds they did for us. This is a picture of us when they were doing Ryker's hand molds.



I love this picture. I love the bond these two brothers and best friends share. Jason was always kind of an extra part to Mike. He was an extension and he has been there for Mike on some dark, hard days. I can only imagine that because Mike and Jason are so close and share so much, that Jason understands better than most the pain and heartache.



My sister Megan. I do not need to convey the love she has for Ryker. The picture is worth a million words, words that would never describe the love.



One of my favorite pictures is Mike holding Ryker. I am sorry to other Dads, I am a bit biased, but I have yet to meet a man who adores his children more. The reason why I love this picture is the overwhelming peace that is shown in Mike's face, and as I write this, I feel that peace again.





I am grateful for the knowledge I have of being sealed to Ryker and Lilly. We mourn the loss of our angel, and know that he will comfort us through this hard time. I look forward to the day I will see my babies again, and hold them to me. We love you Ryker, and honor you this day.

Memories

I fell asleep crying last night. I hate falling asleep crying. Ryker's angel day is quickly approaching, and I started entertaining the thoughts and emotions that I was going through last year. The last week of Ryker's life was such a joyful one. These two pictures were taken exactly one year ago today. It was an AMAZING day, one filled of Mom finally being able to hold her baby after SIX LONG WEEKS! Six weeks people! It was incredibly hard to watch your precious baby each day, and not be able to do anything more than touch him and talk to him. This precious gift was given to me, and I know without a shadow of a doubt this was truly a blessing from my loving Father-in-Heaven. Ryker behaved for a whole minute, and than was p-o'd, and I was eager to hand him back. This was a doubly cool day, because the Utah Jazz came to Primary's! These two kind gentleman (see the picture below) are Ronnie Brewer and Paul Milshap (I apologize if I butchered those names, Mike is the Jazz fan.) They were so nice, soo tall, and it truly was an amazing day. I wish I could have that day again, I wish I could hold Ryker in my arms, just one more day. I miss him. We miss him.

Dear Santa

I have been a pretty good girl this year. I tried to be more Christlike, tried to make it to every Sunday-school class instead of talking in the foyer while Mike held my seat. I did my best to keep my house clean (not including times when I was in school or tending nieces/nephews on the days off) and did my best to make my bed 9okay, maybe not but there was some effort put forth. So in light of all my goodness, I have made a couple of requests for the coming Christmas and into this next year.

First, I would like a baby. You know my history, and you know I've done my best to make it happen, but it looks like it is going to take a A LOT of extra help in getting this accomplished. (Or maybe just help to get our name out there!)I;m not picky. I do have a TON of little girl clothes and I do make bows, but I love those little boys too. Just as long as it is one we can keep for a long, long time.

Number two. I would like my body back. I noticed when I looked in the mirror this morning, that someone had switched my body for a chubbier one. Realizing that I only am 6 pounds away from when I had the first, it would only seem polite to help me find my body once more. So if you could kindly return the pre-marriage body, that wold be great!!!

Number three. I just want a house. This may seem big, but I know it can happen when you are in charge.

Number four and five. I would like two electronic items. The first is photoshop, the second is the movie Penelope. I know that one is a lot cheaper than the other, but think of all I could do!!!

So remember Santa, I will be extra good next year, if you could politely overlook my shortcomings this year.

Love,
Emily G.

P.S. I am approx. 8 posts away from my 100th, so I am looking for some ideas to celebrate. Let me know of any thing you can think of!

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

*Just a warning, there are some pictures further down in the post that show Ryker after he has passed. I have never posted pictures of Ryker after his passing, so this makes me feel somewhat vulnerable; so if you are somewhat faint of heart, just know I love my Dad and want to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!*

Monday is my Dad's birthday. Tonight, our family is celebrating this happy occasion. I just wanted to share some things that I love about my Dad.
I have always been somewhat of a Daddy's girl. Growing up, my Dad was able to convince me to do things when my Mom was not. He is a spiritual man, and I always said I wanted to marry someone like my Dad (and if you know my Dad and Mike, they share a lot in common!) He is so obedient, loves to find out more about our ancestors, and just really loves his family (no matter what we do). He is also incredibly stubborn (this is where I get my stubborn streak), but is also the most patient person.



My dad is an amazing Grandfather too. My Dad probably saw Ryker nearly everyday of his short life. He loved Lilly so much, but there was a stronger connection between Ryker and his Grandpa. He would just sit with him and talk to him, and Ryker would just stare at him with his sweet eyes.



In the pictures above, you can just see how someone so small could have such a strong impact on such a spiritual giant. You can see the sincerity of love he has for his family. It was so hard for him to have to say goodbye to two Grandbabies. He is such an amazing man. I am humbled to be able to call him my Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad!!! We love you and are so happy to call you family!!!
P.S. This next week is hard for our family. A week from Monday marks Ryker's first angel day,(an angel day is the day of someone's passing, specifically children.) So if you all could please say some extra prayers in our behalf, we would be so grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I am grateful today for many, many things. I know I may not always seem grateful, but really I am. So here are a few of the wonderful things in my life that I am indeed grateful for:
my husband
my family (including my amazing in-laws that I love!!!)
having God in my life
being sealed to my children and cute hubby
to have been a Mom for twelve weeks
my sweet babies
my niece Gracie being here for Thanksgiving
my nieces and nephews, all of them
my house
our cars
our wonderful jobs
and finally... to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving
in all of its yumminess!
*And yes, I will be one of the crazies out tomorrow,
shopping and selling some hot chocolate!!!*
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
p.s. I just wanted to say thank-you to for all of
your sweet comments on Lilly's angel day. I am
grateful for so many of you and your support!

Hard Days.

It was a hard day, for both Mike and I and our families. I am not sure if it is harder because Lilly's everything comes first or what, but her birthday and angel day just seem so hard. There was a lot of crying, a good dose of yummy food, and a bit of retail therapy (i.e. groceries and a cheap turkey)! It sucked. I cried. A lot. I know things will be better but it is so hard. I am just praying for the little baby we will be blessed with. Our next baby will not replace our two angels, just help us to continue the healing.

Lilly's Angel Day

Two years. Two years has passed since saying goodbye to our sweet Lilly. I recall that Thanksgiving night. Lilly was so restless, having seizures, and remember finally being able to calm her. She slept straight from 1 am to 6am, barely waking when she was placed in the carseat. I remember all to well, laying her next to her sleeping cousin, her best friend who came into the world just a few hours before, watching them sleep in front of the warm fire. I remember picking her up, seeing her blue and realizing that she was not breathing. I remember pleading and crying, begging Lilly to breathe. I remember jumping in the car and driving home to get the much needed oxygen. I remember calling Lilly's hospice nurse and taking her to the hospital to confirm my suspicion that Lilly had aspirated into her lungs. I remember going into the x-ray room and laying my sweet helpless baby on the table. I remember her sweet nurse Kim telling us Lilly's time was limited. I remember calling my parents and pleading them to hurry home, from spending Thanksgiving in California (with my Grandma), and begging them to please hurry. I remember going home to pack the few things we would need and making one last bottle, and thinking that the bottle I was making would be the last bottle I would make for our little Lilly. I remember just doing things with family. I remember being grateful when my sister and brother-in-law made it from West Virginia, and my Mom making it home on a last-minute flight from California. I remember when Lilly stopped breathing once again, and Mike pleading her to again breathe. I remember taking Lilly off of her oxygen, with Mike's family and my Mom and sister and her husband surrounding us, saying goodbye. I remember the blessing Mike gave her, just the three of us, releasing her fragile body from this earth. I remember the last night we spent together, Lilly in between us, going in-between this earth and the next life. I remember waking up, and being amazed by Lilly's strength. I remember my Dad and siblings arriving in record time from California and being able to say goodbye one last time. I remember so well, just holding her, enjoying those last few hours. I recall Mike calling me over, and looking her and knowing she was gone, that we were holding her sweet little shell, feeling her spirit all around. I remember holding her as we drove to the mortuary and feeling my heart break a when I had to leave my sweet baby. I remember dressing her, doing her hair one last time, and saying goodbye to her earthly body for this time. I remember being touched, while walking into the chapel, to see a full house, all to honor our little princess. We miss you Lilly and remember your angel day. Love you so much and am so proud of your valiant spirit and the time we were blessed to have with you.
You really were our breath of heaven.
Love you- Mom and Dad



P.S. Happy seventeenth birthday Millie! Thank-you for sharing such a day with your niece. I am sorry for that.

Got milk???

As many of you know, our little niece Gracie was born with the same heart condition as our sweet Ryker (HLHS). Gracie has been home for nearly two months, and just really is doing pretty well. We have a bit of a problem: she needs breast milk. Many of you Moms know that with a lot of stress, there can be a loss of milk. This has happened and Gracie does not do well at all with formula. She has a hard time swallowing the milk and they are trying so hard to switch her feeds to oral feeds. Many of you may also know the added benefit for heart babies and the immunities that breast milk offers. So although it may be weird to you, it is critical for Gracie to have breast milk. They are trying to get a prescription for it and get milk from a milk bank but it takes time and really costs quite a bit of money. So please help if you can!!!!
*You can e-mail me at emilygourley@gmail.com*

A little whoo-hoo!

Just wanted to say that tomorrow I will FINALLY be able to see Twilight!(Yes, I am one of those girls. (Fought it for a year and finally caved in this last June and LOVE the books! So come tomorrow at this exact time, I will be enjoying the AMAZING movie!

Anniversaries

This week, Mike and I celebrate four beautiful years of marriage! It seems unreal, and I feel so blessed to be able to be married to him. Last year was such a hard anniversary. A day before our anniversary, we got a call to head immediately up to the hospital. When we got up there, Ryker was puking and pooping massive amounts of blood. It was one of the hardest days of his short life. They had to manipulate Ryker's NJ tube and somehow ended up tearing his weakened stomach in three places. They had taken him in for emergency surgery and what was supposed to last only one hour took four. It was so hard and draining on our families. We spent the night up at Primarys (Mike on the floor on mats and me in the slanted bed. We got up every few hours to check on Ryker. He was amazing and ended up healing remarkably well.
This picture is of Ryker about a week after infant gastric bypass (because that was what they ended up having to do, cutting off half of his stomach).

I feel so fortunate to have Mike. He has been my support through everything. We are each others best friend. So many do not even know what it is like to me as close as we are. I am fortunate to be married to my him!

*By the way, because we were able to switch every thing to a more anonymous blog-site, we will not have to make this website private! Whoo-hoo! So no need to worry. It feels good to not have to worry about jeopardizing our family's safety, while being able to keep our blog open and continuing sharing our life with all our friends, family, and soon-to-be-friends.

I am a Senisitve Soul.

I am a sensitive soul. I love new babies, I love new Moms and Dads.
I love my nieces and nephews, and love tending their cute little tushies!
I love to spend the evening with my husband,
just cuddled on the couch,
enjoying each other's company.

I have LOVED being a Mom, and have loved having
the precious time with both Lilly and Ryker.

I cry whenever I see or hear the Hypoplastic
Left Heart Syndrome commercial that the local
hospital system (Intermountain Healthcare) plays
as an advertisement.
I love successful adoption and infertility stories.
They bring me such hope.

I cry very easily. I cry when I am mad, frustrated, happy,
sad, and when I am missing the heck out of my babies.

I am a sensitive soul. I know that we as women are a bit
more sensitive than our male counter-parts. But I know
I am that much more sensitive than most women.

It is that much harder for me to not take offense when
people make stupid comments. I wish that I had skin that was
really thick, so that hurtful comments could just bounce off.
But remember, I am sensitive. I know people should not have to
walk around on eggshells around everyone, including me. I just
think people have no idea when they are saying comments that are hurtful.
My sweet sister can not have kids biologically.
I have felt such guilt getting pregnant twice, but at the same
she was such a wonderful aunt to Lilly and Ryker.
Another friend and family member are also dealing with not being
able to get pregnant with ease. It sucks.
So I would like to make a few suggestions about what to NOT say,
when you are with a group of women.

1.) Please refrain from complaining about how miserable you are pregnant.
This is a given. Pregnancy is not easy,but I can guarantee
you are NOT the first woman to carry a child.
This complaining is also VERY hurtful to those of us longing for children.

2.) Please do not put so much worry into the sex of your unborn child.
I was guilty of this with my first. I wanted a girl.
Little did I know that three years later,
I would be PRAYING to just have a healthy baby;
one devoid of brain abnormalities, that are not compatible with life,
and heart conditions that take away a seven week old baby's life.
Be grateful to have healthy, beautiful children.
That is what REALLY matters.

3.) Think before your speak. LOOK AROUND THE ROOM!
If there is another who is suffering because their arms are empty,
maybe talk with them instead of continuing the commiserating about having kids.

4.)Be grateful for your sleepless nights.
I wish I could have had just one sleepless night home with Ryker.
And I wish for just one more night with Lilly.
I remember going to bed after Lilly passed away,
and I kept waking thinking I could hear Lilly crying.
It was really hard.
Go home today. Look around you.
If you have been blessed to have the
pitter-patter of little feet in your home,
or have been able to feel the wonder of your unborn child moving inside of you,
just be grateful and realize that you are blessed.

I will get off my soap box now.
I am sorry if this injures or insults anyone, I just think there
are many of us that just do not know.
I am going to work on not being SO sensitive,
but I think many need to work on being MORE sensitive.
We are women, aren't we?

What to do?

I do not know what to do. We will be switching to our new blog next Friday, and I think I will wait a week after to switch this blog to private. I will not be posting anything new on this blog. I do not know if any of you want access still to this old blog. The only reason I am keeping it up is to read and continue the record of our life. But if someone wants access still, we will grant your wish. So two requests; our friends, that have us linked on their sites, could you please switch our name to something more anonymous? You can call us the "G" family, parents to two angels, just anything besides using our first and last names. For family, you can use my brother and family, my sister and family,etc. I know it sucks to have to worry, but there are a LOT of weirdos out there. Also, could you please change our link?! I appreciate everyone's consideration!

Oprah's Great Give!!!

I have been pretty sick, so in light of being pretty sick, I have been spending a lot of time on the internet and up at nights sick. So last night, while watching the re-showing Of Oprah's "Get-Organized", I discovered a wonderful give-away to help you get organized. The idea was to take pictures of your kids art-work and make a book of the art-work. The 8"x11" 20 page book is valued at $29.99, but if you start it by Friday and finish it by Sunday, you pay only $6.99 for the shipping. It is cute and I already ordered my book!!! Click here to go to the site!!! Remember, start it by Friday!!

New blog.

In light of the scary stupid people that ruin it for everyone (did anyone else see the KSL report on staying safe on Blogs?), we are going to be transitioning to a new blog. The address is here. I didn't want to go private, so this is definitely the better choice. Like I said, it will be a slow transition. I am not worried about being safe right now, I just worry about protecting our future family. The big change is not using our last name and maybe even first names. Anyways, I am sad to leave this blog. I will keep it alive, it will just be private in about a month, with the new blog being the one we will use openly.

Understanding.

I realized that I have not fed my soul lately. My sister was reading a talk from one of the sessions of our church's LDS General Conference last month, and reminded me of some words that I needed to read. You can read the talk here. It is food for the soul. I have been pretty down (as I have previously shared) and seriously needed a little lift. I also just wanted to say thank-you for all the comments. They buoy us up through these hard times and help us get out of bed every morning. We have so many wonderful friends and family that we care for and love and also care and love us. It was great to come home last night after a long day of work and my sister and brother-in-law were there. It meant a lot, and they even took us to go get some ice cream. It seems like I have been uplifted by so many. A wise woman put it perfectly:

"there is much to be learned about the Lord and the Atonement here.

"Surely, he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows."Isaiah 53:4

The Lord suffers with us. He is in the trenches of our despair and tears with us. He's not telling us to be patient, He wraps us in His arms and whispers, "I know. I know."
I love this and feel it. Thank-you to all those who buoy us.

Lonliness and emptiness.

You ask how I (or better we) could possibly feel empty and lonely. We have so many people around us and we are constantly doing school and work and family. But yet, there is the continual feelings of loneliness and emptiness. October was a rough month. Lilly's and Ryker's birthdays just drained us, and yet school and work still went on and continues still. I am not trying to not be sad, depressed or lonely (so if you do not wish to hear something depressing or sad, please stop reading now). Life is very difficult right now. There are very few people who face the loss of one child, let alone two. It is one if the most difficult things we will ever have to do in this life. Thankfully, very few face this. The even harder part is the infertility we are facing. I know, you all are thinking that I should be grateful for the two angels I have had and be thankful I did not have to try very long for either. But I am heading into one year of trying to get pregnant again. I have tried to not get down. Tried not to put too much stress on getting pregnant. We put in our adoption papers, hoping that The Lord would bless us quickly. I am not sure what I am supposed to learn from this. I already appreciate the gift of children more then most (do not take offense). When you cannot have something that you want so bad, you are more appreciative when you get what your heart longs and aches for. We did a couple months of taking Femara, visits and calls to the doctor, and all the blood work. My doctor thinks I have an adrenal gland disorder. This makes it so I do not ovulate regularly and can go up to 50 some days in between those fabulous times-of the-month. It is very difficult. Mike is such a wonderful husband and it hurts to not be able to give him the gift of a child. My heart aches as all those around me get pregnant with ease. I go to the store and there are so many with kids and babies. It hurts to have arms that are empty. There is nothing we can do, just be patient and wait. It pretty much sucks.

Thank Heaven for Grace.

This is from a dear friend's blog called The Errand of Angels. It is a group of amazing women who are spiritual giants and feed the soul and mind, with ideas and thoughts. I love the site, and thank-you Emily for being such a wonderful friend. I will post later about Ryker's and Lilly's birthdays. It has been a rough week and a half and I am literally emotionally exhausted. I love my niece's name: Grace. I also love the meaning. So enjoy the food for the soul and watch the uplifting video. The pictures and music are inspiring!

Ryker

One year ago today, our breath was taken away by the beautiful baby that was being wheeled into our room. He came so unexpectedly. We went in because Ryker was not moving, and in a 10 hour period had only kicked twice. They monitored him for hours, and finally decided to go ahead an deliver him via c-section.

Here is a picture of our beautiful pouty boy, bugged because there was a light in his face.

This is a picture of us soothing Ryker.

Our first family picture. Right after this I started to get sick, and Ryker started screaming, the kind where you are thinking about the migraines coming your way from such a high-pitched loud scream (his APGARS were 8 and 9!!) So away he went to Primary's where after being dosed with the prostaglandins, had to be intubated.

My first time seeing Ryker at Primary's.

Here is a picture of Mike holding him, the morning of his surgery. Sadly, this was the last time Mike held him, until we were holding him while he passed away. Ryker went into surgery around seven and did not come out till after 2:00 in the afternoon. It was a long day.

This is Ryker right after surgery. He was swollen and puffy. It was very difficult to see him after.

Ryker loved his stuffed horse Barley. Barley usually was used to prop up Ryker's arm , legs and breathing tube. But Ryker's favorite use of Barley was to have him in arm's reach and stroke Barley's main. A well-loved stuffed toy horse.

This is one of his favorite Aunt's coming to visit him. He is showing off his scar to her. So many of Ryker's family would come to sit with him and stroke his hair. He would just sit and stare at them, and a lot of times just snooze through the visit.

Ryker loved to be snuggled in his blankets!

Here is a picture of me holding Ryker. This was right before I quickly handed him back. He was okay for about a whole minute before he let us know of his displeasure. It was the greatest moment for me. I had not held him for 6 weeks. It was wonderful being a Mom.

This picture was taken the day before Ryker passed away. He was just so beautiful, and we mourn him and long to see him again. We love him so much and wish we could have been celebrating his first birthday with him. We love you Ryker!!!

2 Years Today

Two years ago today, in the wee hours of the morning, our lives were changed forever. Our sweet Lilly came into this world fighting . Lilly did not stop fighting. She loved her family and loved to be near them. She loved to be held so much that so often many a family member would come to stay the night and would hold her, so that we could get some sleep. She was adored by all who were blessed to be able to come into her presence. We feel blessed that we were able to give her a body and just pour the love out on her. The picture of Mike is probably the happiest I have ever seen him. He adored Lilly and was so proud to be her Dad. After work, knowing how physical and emotionally drained I was, he would send me out to do something for myself. Shortly after birth, Mike gave Lilly a beautiful blessing, and there was not a dry eye in the room. She had so much hair and we loved to put headbands on her. She loved Christmas music. I would go and pick up Mike and I would have Christmas music on. He would get in and change it to country and she would start her wee little mew to have him change it back. As soon as he did, she was yet again a happy girl. We miss her soo much, and long to again be with her. Death no longer holds the same dread. We look forward to being able to hold her someday!

Also, I feel blessed because not only is this day special because Lilly came into this world, we are lucky to have Lilly's best friend and cousin, share their birthdays with one another. We feel privileged to call her our niece and are grateful to have such a bright ray of sunshine to brighten our life. Happy Second Birthday Morgan!!!

My Dash and Turning 25

The Dash
by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth
And spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own,
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard;
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect
And more often wear a smile,
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So when your eulogy is being read
With your life's actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

My dash is being spent. I turn 25 tomorrow, which really is not old, but just is unbelievable because each year goes faster and faster. I had an AMAZING Birthday party tonight, surrounded by my family and most of Mike's. It was wonderful, and I could really not think of a better way to celebrate a Birthday. I did miss my sista's-from-otha-mistas(you all know who you are) and some of our dear family, but it was still a great celebration. Tomorrow will also be a great day. The last two years, I have been VERY pregnant. Lilly's and Morgan's birthday is two weeks from tomorrow, and Ryker's is nine days after that. I will just make it good as possible.

I've been tagged and so have some of you!!!

You can all thank Nicole for this one.
I have been tagged. Having never been tagged before, I hope I do not disappoint!

1. I love to do laundry! I hate to fold it unless it is folded PERFECTLY!!!

2. I love the fall, but my favorite time of year has become one of the hardest.
3. I have a sister that is 10 1/2 months younger then I. And yes, she just about walked on out!
4. My sister and I are currently both 24, but only for just one more week.
5. I was not born with ANY wisdom teeth and am missing two twelve year-old molars!
6. Up till September, I had not seen a movie in theater since before I was pregnant with Ryker. Movies make me miss my babies.
7. My two front-bottom teeth are still my baby teeth. They are teeny-tiny and I will at some point have to have implants. Also, my dentist told me it would cost a good 20 grand to get my teeth the way I would like them.
I now tag:
Ashley, Amy, Where'sMyAngels-Momma(I do not know your first name!!!), Erica, Keisa, Hollie, and Teaa!!!

She's Home!!!!

After 88 days, Gracie is home. Home with her Mom and Dad, and home with her sister. Home where she belongs. We are so proud of you Gracie!!! We love you and look forward to getting to know you, that much better!!! Keep the prayers coming, they still need them!!!

Brooklyn Bailey

This is the Bailey family. The little girl, centered in the middle of her family was across from our niece Gracie. She has earnerd her wings and has become truly a celestial being. This has saddened us much. I have not been my usual somewhat chipper self the last few days. Anytime I hear about the loss of a baby or child, it just breaks my heart. I understand the pain and wish I could take it away. It just plain sucks to lose a child. You go through the motions of life, realizing that very few people truly understand the pain. It is not something you get over. I often have people telling me how to mourn and not. They almost act as if they want you to only have happy moments, to remember only the good times. Little do they know that although that might be a great way to live, if it were possible, until they begin to walk in your shoes, (and I pray they never have to) you can not begin to understand the pain of losing something that is part of you, something you carried for nine months and after too short a time, have to say goodbye to. There is no seeing them on this earth again, and you are expected to move on. Truly, the best thing you can say to them is "I am sorry. That must realy be hard." I would never tell someone to move on. Maybe I would have, had I not had to experience the loss of two children. Lilly's and Ryker's anniversaries are coming too quick and too soon. What feels like it has been 10 years, yet it has only been two, and then one. We will get through the days. We will make the days as happy as possible. Things will be as good as they can. Brooklyn's services are as followed:

October 1st, 2008
Hurricane 4th ward building 1178 South 700 West Hurricane, UT 84737
Viewing @ 3:00 PM
Services @ 4:00 PM

October 2nd, 2008
Burial at Salt Lake City Cemetery 200 "N" St. Salt Lake City, UT 84103
Burial@ 11:00 AM
Meet at the entrance 10:45

To the Bailey family: we mourn for Brooklyn and for the loss your family has experienced. The days will be hard, and sometimes it may seem unbearable. But we will be there to help you, to hopefully lighten the load you are being asked to carry. She is beautiful and is truly a princess of the celestial kingdom. We miss her and pray for you.

To all of you readers, please keep this sweet family in your prayers. Thank-you.

Our Little Gracie

Well I am so happy we get to make this post. Our niece Gracie has done so well they may actually move her out of the PICU. This is a huge step for her!! She passed her swallow study and is doing great! Emily and I actually got to hold her for the first time, and I cant tell you the love and joy we felt in doing so. Just sitting there with this precious angel just staring at you brings tears to my eyes. We are so proud of you Gracie! I also know you have two special cousins also very proud of you! The doctors have talked about gracie being able to come home soon possibly also! So thank you all for your prayers on our and her behalf.

Fall.

It is amazing how the older you get, the faster time seems to fly. I love this time of year, always have, always will. I miss Ohio and West Virginia this time of year. I long for the outdoor craft shows and the home-made apple cider. The stunning color and mix of leaves. Falls in Utah are all too short. My birthday in also less then a month away. We got married in the fall. There is also somewhat of drawback to this time of year. It is a bittersweet feeling. The last two years, I have been VERY pregnant with Lilly and then Ryker, just so excited for them to come. I can not believe Lilly would be 2 years old next month, and that we would be celebrating Ryker's first birthday. I was walking into the grocery store tonight. I saw the pumpkins outside, and told Mike that if Ryker was still with us, I would have taken him to a pumpkin patch. The stabbing pain came all too hard then, the realization that these are memories we will never make with our babies. I hate when the pain comes, surprising and agonizing. I had already planned what Ryker would be for Halloween, since his first Halloween was spent undergoing his first heart surgery. I remember with Lilly, that we tried to find her a costume, but she was just so tiny so we had her wear one of her little outfits and put the matching Winnie-the-Pooh hat on with it. It is hard to not get frustrated, and wonder if we will ever be able to share and enjoy the things we love with our children, (on this earth). I guess we will just have to put forward the faith necessary to believe we will be parents again.

Adoption

We have been working on getting our adoption blog up and running. We had debated whether to keep it private or open it to everyone. We decided that for now, it would be best to continue to get the word out and share it with everyone! Suggestions are welcome (especially those who have gone through it or are going through it!) but really all comments are welcome. If you could also please place the link on your blogs (please, please, please!!!)
The site is: http://mikeandemilygourley.blogspot.com/

Ryker

Ryker came into this world, unexpectedly, on Saturday, October 27, 2007. We knew before hand that he was going to be born with a sever heart condition called Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, which essentially meant he would be born with half a heart. They whisked him away immediately, through window and into the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. He looked so perfect, never knowing that inside his tiny heart there were such problems. He was given drugs to relax his heart, so that they could do surgery a short four days later. We held and loved him those short days before surgery.

Handing him over to the skilled surgeons was one of the hardest decisions of our lives. He endured the heart surgery, and was just so strong. Every obstacle that Ryker hit he would fight and overcome. His strong spirit was amazing and undoubted. His life nearly ended at a mere three weeks of age, with even the doctor telling us that he would not be able to overcome such a huge setback. But he did live and was stronger then before. Ryker was truly a miracle!

We loved to be with him, stroking his hair, singing to him, and just letting him feel of our love. . The day of his passing, started out wonderfully. We headed up there and awaited anxiously for the breathing tube to be removed in the hopes of finally being able to hold him and get him home. It was December 15, and he was exactly seven weeks old. They removed the breathing tube, and he was just doing wonderful. There were tears in the eyes of all in the room when we heard his meek cry. We went down to the cafe to get some lunch and hurried to get back up to be with him. When we got back to his room, we realized that there was something wrong and they were putting the breathing tube back in. We were assured things were going to be okay, but we could sense that this was not the case. We watched as his oxygen saturations dropped and dropped, calling family and pleading for them to hurry up to the hospital. We watched as the doctors and nurses tried to do what they could to save him, but we knew that we were going to have to say goodbye to him. The heart surgeon came to talk to us about options. We looked at each other, knowing that it truly was time to say goodbye to our sweet little boy. We gathered our family to hold him and say goodbye. In a short 13 months, we had said goodbye to our first and second child. We miss Ryker and look forward to when we will see him and his sister again.

On the Mend

After doing a heart cath and placing two stints, Gracie seems to be improving. They were able to extubate Gracie again and she seems to be doing well. She has even began smiling and looks adorable as ever. We are so grateful for her speedy recovery, and know she has been blessed with strength. We love you Gracie and pray for your recovery so you can come home.

Update on Gracie

So as I posted yesterday, my sweet niece hit a bump in the road. Mike's brother and his wife Deanna got a call to head up yesterday morning at about 4:30am because Gracie was not doing so great. They headed up, and when they got there, they had had to re-intubate Gracie. They also had to sedate her and give her a paralytic so that she would allow her body to get some much needed rest. So she rested through the day. Her heart rate had gone up to the 200's and had hung there along with some crappy o2 sats, and so they decided that they will not push her for awhile, they are just trying to figure out why this is happening. It is frusrating because it seems like she is constantly facing an up-hill climb. So please continue the prayers. The unknown can be so frustrating. We are praying for her to be able to kick out of this, and soon. She hates the tube, and it makes it difficult because she is easily over-stimulated.

Gracie

Gracie hit a bit of a bump, early this morning, and so your prayers are again being requested. We know that the Lord is mindful of her and her family and that our family has seen some great miracles wrought in our behalf because of the prayers of all of you. Thank-you. We will try to post later.

Getting Healthy!!!!

Well, this was the first week of the G Family Fitness Goal! You are probably wondering what the G Family Fitness Challenge is. Well, I will tell you. My in-laws are doing each putting in a bit of money, making three goals, and if we stick to them, our in-laws will match our money. This goes through Thanksgiving. I have three goals. Exercise 3-4 times a weeks, drink only 3-4 cans of pop a week, and only 2-3 desserts. This may not seem like hard goals to anyone else, but they are HARD for me!!! I can say that I honestly met my goals for this week, except I had one more pop then was allowed, which means I only get three next week. Anyways, I also joined weight watchers. So, to get me more accountable and make me meet my goals, I am going to follow some ideas I have seen and create a blog, strictly to help me to meet my weight loss goals! I only 6 pounds away from when I had Lilly, and have gained 45 pounds since Mike and I were married. So here I come weight loss goals, it is time for me to get healthy!!! The website is: http://emilysweightlossblog.blogspot.com/!!! I have to ask that you please not judge me and that any relatively skinny individuals that have NO understanding of what it is like to have unwanted weight please do not view! Wish us luck to a healthier life!

Soooo Excited!!!

Our adoption profile is officially online! If you go to itsaboutlove.org, go to the link for birth mothers, click on the search adoption profiles, and the enter this exact phrase(no spaces and yes the A in and is capitalized) MichaelAndEmily you will be able to view our adoption profile!!! We are so excited, and ever eager to continue to get the word out that we are adopting. We even have "pass-along-cards" (so to speak) if you would like some. I know it seems weird, you just never know who you will meet who is in a postion and have a desire to have their baby adopted. We can not wait to continue our family! Spread the word!!!

I know, two in one day!!!

Wow, I go one whole week of not posting, and then all of a sudden post twice in one day! I just wanted to thank my family for coming yesterday, it really meant a lot and I know that had you not been there, the day would just not have been the same! So Mike's Dad and Mom, Shell and Caden, Kat, Deanna and Morgan, Courtney, Abs and C.J., love each and every one of your stinkin' guts! Also, to all the G family, best of luck on your fitness goals! Remember we start tomorrow!!!!!

Fun-Run, Heather's B-day, and Family Dinner

(This is Ryker's poster that we did for him. The darling little boy above is Noah, and he actually was across the hall from Ryker and passed away while Ryker was there. His Dad actually assisted with an LDS priesthood blessing with Ryker once. If you double click on the picture, it will give you a better picture!)

We participated yesterday in the first Fun Run/Walk event for the Intermoutain Healing Hearts group we are in. We are also part of the angel group. These are awesome support groups, and not only do they lend their support to families, they also assist in the education and awareness of Congenital Heart Defects (CHD'S). We (Mike's parents, my two sister in-laws, my sister-from-other-misters Courtney and Abby, Abby's hubby, and I) walked/ran a mile yesterday to help raise awareness of CHD's. There was an awesome turnout, and it was overwhelming the support all of the families that are affected by CHD's felt. My sister-in-law also came and brought our adorable niece too. We had a special presentation to honor our angels too. It was beautiful and sweet. We read the angel's name, rang their individual bell, and released a balloon in their honor. It was interesting because as the balloons were launched, even though we did each balloon separately, they all congregated together in the sky. I liken this to losing our angels. Even though they have left this world individually, I know that on the other side they come together, and are close friends. It really was such a wonderful experience.

My sister Heather turned 24 yesterday. She and I will be the same age for about the next 5 weeks (yes, my Mom had us about 11 months apart, Heather literally about walked right out.) Heather is one of my best friends. She and I spend a lot of time together. Since I have started school again and with my work schedule, we have not been able to spend as much time. She is having a baby boy (his name will be Tatum) right around the first of January. She always is smiling, and is rather spoiled, as a result of many years of giving in to her and now her husband too. I once complained to my parents about her being somewhat spoiled, and their reply was less then sympathetic. It went something like this: "Mom and Dad, Heather is spoiled." (their reply)"Well, you have to deal with it because you made her that way." Heather is so funny, when she laughs, you have to laugh with her. Anyways, Happy Birthday Heather!!!

To close off my pretty-near perfect day yesterday, Mike's family got together at the Texas RoadHouse in Sandy. Mike's Grandma treated from all the way in California, in honor of our birthdays! It was really yummy, really loud, and we all just had a great time. This is the picture of half of Mike's family as the other half was at a table across the way. (Mike is the one in the blue by-the-way!)

And this is the picture of the other half of the table. Mike's family cracks me up. We all love each other, and get along (for the most part, unless you break out a game of Monopoly!!!) I always wanted great in-laws, and I seriously could not ask for better. Mike's sisters are very much my sisters, and I call his parents Mom and Dad. This family has seen soo much togther. Through those rough times, we rally around one another. Sorry this was such a long post, but I really just wanted to share a piece of the wonderful day I had.

P.S. I will admit the biggest let-down of the day was Mike's name being called at the raffle, and because he was not there (he sadly had to work) the Grand Prize IPOD touch was passed into the hands of a two year old. That was a sad day in the G home!!!

Extubated!

Our darling niece Gracie has been extubated! What a miracle and blessing. Thank-you all for your prayers and thoughts. They have brought this miracle to pass!!!

Special Request

So I know it is short notice but I am asking a special favor for our niece Gracie. The doctors have decided to attempt to extubate her tomorrow. They feel like she has been doing well enough with her trials to go ahead and try. So I am asking for special prayers tomorrow on her behalf. This is a very nerve wracking time for us because of what happened with Ryker, so thank you all we sure appreciate you guys!