Thinking......

I have been thinking a lot lately, which for most is a good idea, but for someone like me, not so much. I wonder about what the next year will bring. Will my niece be able to come home and be held and loved on? Will we be blessed with adopting a baby come January? Will the birth-Mom be willing to give the ultimate gift, and bless Mike and I to once again be parents? Will we have any more children biologically that will live to see their first birthday (maybe even into adulthood?!)? Will we ever be able to use the freshly-painted nursery that we are working so hard to decorate? I know that these questions are pretty much questions that are out of my control, and I know the hands that control most of these questions are wise and all-knowing, but why then does it make me feel still so helpless? The funny thing is that when I share my "wonderings", I seem to always get the same response in family and friends: "everything will happen as it is supposed to", or "we know that it will work out the way it is supposed to". What they do not realize is that although I do know the Lord WILL take care of it all, there is still free-agency, and to be honest the stupidity of people. Also, these comments in NO way help. If you know someone who has it tough or has had it tough, stop what you are saying, and just say " I am sorry that things are tough and that you feel frustrated right now". Until you have been in another's shoes, (and maybe even not then), it is not all right to remind them that it will work out the way it is supposed to. Because when you tell someone that, they begin to feel and think like me, and think the norm IS supposed to be your babies not making it to their first birthdays, or all that you pray so hard for not turning out the way you would like it too and hope for it to end. I have a very strong testimony, but it still shocks me when things turn out the way you hope and pray they do. Anyways, here I am, still praying and hoping that things will go good for Mike and I. I just know that someday (whether it be January or not) when Mike and I are finally blessed with being able to raise a baby/child, I know two things: that child will be loved like no one ever has loved a child, and second that most likely, that child will be pretty spoiled, with both love and the goods!
*Gracie continues to hold her own and do well. She sleeps a lot of the time. I was there on Saturday when she opened her eyes for awhile. She gave "the scrunchy face", and even started to cry a little, which just broke my heart. Quickly did we find out that Miss Gracie does not appreciate a wet-bum, which was then changed promptly! She is really a darling girl!

Sad and Happy Days

Today is both a happy and sad day. I will start in the positive note, and wish Mike and Jason a Happy 28th Birthday! They love their birthdays, and I honestly think they love sharing it together! Mike and I have shared 5 of his birthdays together now, and although this one was not as fun, we have made some wonderful memories together! I can not think of life without him, he is my everything! I hate having birthdays on Sunday, but Mike is just happy to celebrate the day (as much as he can). The sad part of today is one of the sweet heart babies earned his wings. We were at Primary's yesterday, and could see something going on in his room (it is only two rooms down from our nieces) and were worried. And I woke up to the very sad news that he had earned his wings. This is something that I have prayed would not happen, because the pain of losing your sweet baby truly is heart-wrenching. Jessica and Paul and girls, you are in our prayers. We mourn the loss of Isaac and wish we could be hugging you right now. Please pray for their sweet family.

Amazing Grace

This is Mike posting again. Well today has been what the nurses call a turning point for our niece Gracie, the nurse said she has made an amazing turn around. She told us how surprised she was herself. We feel so blessed that all the prayers are being answered. They also said she still has a lot to overcome but is on her way. As we sat at her bedside she woke up just looking around and as cute as can be, we just wanted to say thank you to all those who have prayed in our behalf, and Gracie's also, we have truly been blessed!

Continued prayers.

Our niece Gracie is such a little fighter. It has been really hard for her, and even harder for her Mom and Dad. They did a special procedure, and because of the technicalities and difficulty of this procedure, she had to be paralyzed from Friday to Monday. She was finally allowed to be off the paralytic on Tuesday, after having a procedure done Friday afternoon to try to semi-close up her chest, due to an infection and wanting to treat the infection and prevent further infections. The issue was that she was not quite ready to have her chest closed, so they figured out a way to add some more space to her little chest cavity. Every day is different, she has both good and bad days, and sometimes even both in the same day. They are possibly going to have to do another procedure on Friday, a heart cath to see if they need to basically redo her first surgery. Her family, and especially Gracie are in special need of prayers, to be able to have peace that all will be able to go well, that she will blessed with a miracle, to be able to turn a corner. Thank-you all for your prayers! Sorry about not posting sooner, we just have been pretty preoccupied.

Pray for Gracie

Please pray for our niece Gracie tonight. She had her chest closed, and ended up having to have her sweet chest opened back up. Please pray too that her parents will be blessed with the peace needed right now! This is somewhat of a setback, and it is worrisome and frustrating. Thank-you all for your prayers!

Its about love

Mike and I have been married for nearly4 years. The 4 years have flown by, and we have been through so much together. The trials and joys that we have experienced are literally trials that make-or-break a marriage. Losing our two precious angels has been the hardest trials of our lives. But these trials and joys have brought us so close together. After we lost Ryker, last December, we went ahead and decided to try a third time to get pregnant. After months of "trying", something seemed off with my body. Needless to say, the first two times getting pregnant were a breeze compared to what I have been going through to just be able again have a baby. The last couple of months, Mike and I have discussed the feelings and desires to maybe adopt. This is not an easy way out, and there are no guarantees. Some of our closest friends have adopted, and the road is hard, but definitely worth it in the end. LDS family services is wonderful, but our biggest hesitance with their process are these reasons: The first being that if we decide to adopt, turn in our paperwork, pay the $1000 dollars non-refundable somewhat security deposit, and then all of a sudden get pregnant. The second, also plays into the first, the commitment of paying the $1000 dollars. It is like taking a giant leap into the dark. We have been praying fervently, to know what decision to make. We finally got our answer yesterday, and although I will not go into specifics, I believe strongly in the statement "Coincidence is merely the Lord's way of staying anonymous" is stated perfectly here. So please pray for us, because like I said, this is taking a huge step into the dark, and it requires a lot of faith and peace to be able to go forward with this decision. Thank-you for the prayers!

Gracie and Babysitting Morgan

I must say, that I have the two cutest nieces. I've always felt a special connection to my niece Morgan, because she and my daughter Lilly not only have Dad's that are identical twins, but she and Lilly were born the very same day, a couple of hours apart. I always wondered if I would have that special of a bond with this niece Gracie. It was not until yesterday, while visiting Gracie that I realized that I do. I was looking at here, hooked up to monitors, and wires, and lines, and drains.Mike was gazing at her too, so I took a picture, because it reminded me very much of how he would look at Ryker. It took me back to when Ryker had his first heart surgery (my niece and my son share the exact same heart condition, hypoplastic left heart syndrome). She smells so much like him,because Ryker was in the hospital his whole seven weeks of life, and so I now associate the smells of a baby in the PICU with what Ryker smelled like, his scent. So yesterday, just gazing at Gracie's sweet face and stroking her black hair, I felt this sort of bond just form. I looked at her, and wanted her to live so bad. I wanted her to get better, to go home and play with her big sister.The hardest part about knowing someone else that has a child with the same heart condition as your child, and having your baby not make it, is the feelings sometimes of it not being fair that their baby is doing so well, while you no longer are able to hold your own child. It is not that I want them to have to experience the loss of a child, it is just that I want my baby too. And so I knew it would be hard, no matter what the outcome happened to be with Gracie. But yesterday was the turning point. I looked at Gracie, and just wanted her to make it, wanted her to be on the other side of the statistics. I know how hard the road is with a heart baby. Even when they come home, it can be tough. But I know that Gracie, like Ryker, has the spunk to be able to fight the fight. She is strong, and truly a miracle, and I now more then ever have faith that things are going to be okay, that she is such a blessing to us all.

We also this week, had the opportunity to be able to tend my niece Morgan. She has so much personality, and just loves life and everyone around her. She loves her new little sister, and was just so sweet while her Mom and Dad were away from her. I am so grateful to be able to have a niece that has so much love for her aunts and uncles, especially Mike. Mike adores Morgan, and too has a special bond with him. He loved being able to help too take care of her this week. So here are a few pictures of my two adorable nieces.
*Just wanted to say that I absolutely adore my nephew Caden too. He is the only nephew or niece that I have been able to take care of at the hospital, as a patient and a nephew! Also, I have one other cute little nephew, Ethan, that turns two on the 1st of August!

Gracie Marie

I will post pictures, once my brother-in-law and sister-in-law are able to post some pictures of their sweet princess! Gracie is here, and doing well. She weighed six pounds, 11 oz and was about 18 inches. Chubby thighs, arms, and cheeks, really just a doll! She has dark hair and is feisty, (just like Ryker!) It was interesting being up on the PICU again. There are so many familiar faces, and so many concerned about how hard this is for us. I am not going to lie, and say that this is easy. It brings back so many memories, it really was like a dam breaking last night. I pretty much just broke down, I just think it brought up some bottled up feelings. We are grateful that she is doing as well as she is, and ask for prayers as she goes to surgery tomorrow. The funny part of this was when Jason first went over to Primary's PICU. One of the nurses who took care of Ryker quite a bit in his life, thought it was Mike and when I saw her later, she said she totally confused because she reads our blog, and their was no mention of us having another baby. I think so many were stunned with how identical that Mike and Jason are, and that our family is yet again finding themselves spending time on the PICU. Deanna really seems to be doing well, and she is truly amazing with the faith she has. It is refreshing and makes us pray all the harder for the miracle of this little girl. I will post pictures soon, because Mike and I are a really proud Uncle and Aunt of this little fighter!

Eden Ridgway

It is with a very deep and saddened heart that I write tonight. I have cried some heavy crocodile tears the last two days. An amazing little angel passed away today. Her name is Eden Ridway, and her wonderful parents have some become some dear friends. I have followed little Eden for the last couple of months, watching every day to see how she was doing. Marcus and Keisa have been so great about sharing precious Eden with so many. I mourn for their loss. I know with all my heart that Eden is at peace, and that her spirit is PERFECT! She is a chosen spirit and I feel privileged to have been able to be a part of her precious life. She lived in Arizona, and had down syndrome along with HLHS. She had the most perfect little red-hair, and was truly such a little sweet heart. I am grateful that families can be together forever, and for wonderful blessings of the gospel. Many may think that the Lord is cruel, for taking away this precious little angel. But I know he has a larger plan, a plan that we will understand someday! These angels are no longer in pain, and although we will miss her, she will continue to bless the lives if her family. Please pray for this family. Their two other precious girls and Eden's parents need the blessings that prayers can bring!