Taking a Break

I am sorry for the horrible lack of posts over the last few months. I am in school, teaching joy school in our neighborhood, and the other blends of life that can make things crazy. So this update will sadly not have pictures, but I promise they are coming soon.

We will start with the smallest in our family. Jacob turned two this October. We had a small birthday gathering, and he was in heaven. He is so funny, and has such a silly but yet obedient nature. His language has exploded, but unlike his brother, it is a bit more difficult to decipher what he is saying. He still has his bright blue eyes and crazy blonde hair that goes every which way. He is short and solid (weighing in at 30 pounds) but the more and more he grows, the less and less he is my baby (although my baby he will always be, the same as with Collin.) He loves Collin so much, loves his Momma and Dadda, and Skippy too. He still is drooly and puts everything in his mouth, but I love his ticklish ways and adore having him as part of our family.

Collin is a smart little skunk. He is just a sponge, and I am finding I have to be really careful with what I say. And he remember everything Jacob threw up last night, and he said "mom, Jacob threw-up, just like when I threw up at Heather's. Now mind you, he threw up at my sister's over 4 months ago. And sorry for the gross story, that's just how it is in our house somedays (well really, a lot of days.) Collin has loved being in preschool/joy school, but seems to both like and dislike having it at our house. He said to me last week, "Mom, is preschool at our house again?" I told him it was. He then said "Mom, I do not like it at our house, because I do not want you to be the teacher." I just chuckled.

Mike and I celebrated our 8th anniversary in November. We celebrated by going for a night up to the city. It was so fun, and so very strange to have it just be us. It made me realize that very soon, my boys are going to be big, and it will just be us again. And I know I will long for these days, so I am trying to learn to appreciate them better.

Mike finishes his last pre-req this semester, and then will start nursing school in the fall. We are excited for this, as both he and I both will be done with our degrees in the next 3 years. And with that, I have made a career change. I am going back to school to get my elementary education degree. I have 5 more classes, and I will be done. So next fall, I will be applying for my program, and that could not make me happier.] So I will not be updating a whole lot, as I start this semester into 10 credit hours, one physical class and two on-line. So my time will again be devoted there, and not so much here.

So that is about it. I will upload pictures very soon, but my plans for the next 2 weeks include making lots of memories with my family, and baking and sewing for Christmas (between car problems and tuition, money is a bit tight this year.) So we will relish in the reason for the season, and spend time together. It helps me as I try and try to move further away from the commercialism of Christmas.

Aching

I have been in a strange funk. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am. But I just feel broken. I think that when you lose a child (or two) there is this horrid hole that is left forever. Try as you can to fill in that void, but you never will. I love my boys so much, but I still ache to hold my sweet Ryker and Lilly. I wish I could be taking Lilly to school each day. I do not wish them to be in pain, because as a mother, our babies should have to be poked and such, but darn it, I want to hold them, to tuck them in each night, to love them. I hate how snappy I have been lately. I honestly feel crazy. Happy one moment, crying and angry the next, and the cycle continues each day. It is so interesting how the cycle of grieving seems just to continue and continue. I would have thought five and six years later, I would be okay. I have been to counseling, but I keep hearing the "you are fine, and what your feeling is appropriate." But I do not feel like I am normal, nor do I ever feel like I will be. How can you be normal when you have carried, held, and loved such perfect little babies, but then had them plucked out of your arms, and then you are supposed to just be okay? I love Heavenly Father, but I do not always understand the trials he requires of us. That is all. I will take my sad mopey self, and enjoy my favorite time of year, all the while having it be the worst time of year all at once. I promise a cuter and more positive post will be along shortly. Just needed to vent this and get this off my chest.

Time

I have been reminiscing over the last month. Mike's sweet youngest brother is getting married. Oddly enough, he is the same age Mike was when he got married, and he is marrying a darling girl, that also is  the same age I was when I get married. And they are even getting married the same month we got married, some 8 years later. This is the last of Mike's siblings to marry, and it gives us much cause to celebrate, as we are so excited to welcome a new sister-in-law.

I have been reading my old journal entries, seeing how young and naive I was 8 years ago. I look at who I am today, and I almost wish I could be a mix of what I was then, and what I am today. I was a lot slower to anger then, and had a lot more patience. But I did not know what was important then, like I do today. I did not realize how important family was, how they should come first in everything. I did not know the value of all things homemade. (I have a theory on this I will have to share some time.) I did not realize how much better a quilt, sewn in love, was versus their store-bought counter parts. I did not realize the value in items passed down from one generation to the next.

I did not know how important the small moments were. I was always looking for the next big thing, instead of focusing on those smaller moments. What I would not give for those moments Mike and I spent together, just sitting, holding hands, loving each other. Or those moments when I was pregnant, planning for our little babies. I told a friend once to relish and cherish those moments before kids, because although kids are wonderful and the best part of my day, I will never have those moments back.

I would tell my younger self to get school finished, to focus on my education, so that I could enjoy my babies even more. I would know that sometimes cheaper is not always better, to look at the quality, not the quantity. I know I have so much more to learn. And some of those lessons will hurt, but I look forward to the person I continue to become. I just wish I could be handed the patience aspect.

Turning Through the Years.......

"Turning, turning, turning through the years
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes. Nothing ever can
Round about the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!"

I have long loved the musical Les Miserables (do not even get me started as to how excited I am about the musical coming out!) The words above are lyrics, lyrics to one of the songs that is in Les Miserables. We attended the annual Heart Walk for our heart group Intermountain Healing Hearts today. I love this event every year, just because I get to see some of the people we love so dearly, a few of which were there with us when Ryker was alive. Sometimes it feels as if those days were dreams, both bitter and sweet. Did I ever hold him?Was that a horrible or dream, or real life, when I wiped the blood that was pouring out from my baby's bottom and mouth, and wait the 4 excruciating hours for him to come out of surgery, or just to hear if he was still here with us? Did I really bathe that sweet baby, and read to my sweet slightly-drugged baby each and every day? Did I honestly tell the many doctors and nurses to stop trying to save his life, that his time had come to leave this world and did I really say goodbye to the sweet baby I had carried for 9 months just 15 days before Christmas?
 At the angel ceremony this morning, they had us say the name of our angel, and say how long it had been since he passed. "Ryker John Gourley, it will be 5 years in December." 5 years??? Where has that time gone? Was that time ever here? Would I really have a kindergartener now, with another starting next year? Would I be a little less broken and a bit more sane?
And as I stood there, helping pass out names after, I read the names of those that had gone before, and had since gone after. There were too many. I read each and every name, my mind hugging each of the families that experience what we experience, that understand why we are so broken. I started to wonder today if after losing a child, if you ever feel really whole again. I do not think so. I know that no matter how many stitches, I am forever changed. Perhaps for the better, but maybe for the worse.  Possibly a little of both. 

I miss Lilly. I look at little girl things sometimes, praying I will be able to have another little girl someday. I miss the little experiences that I would be doing. I miss being able to try out hair styles, I miss picking out little frilly outfits for my princess. Maybe someday I will have that again, and maybe it will not be until I pass from this world. But I know that emptiness will still be there, no matter how many or few little dresses hang in our house. 

I had best get to bed, I just needed to vent this, needed to feel the release of the words from inside. I am okay as I will ever be. This time of year will always be hard, as we near the birthday month. Thank-heavens for two sweet and darling little boys that keep me distracted.

It Happened the First Week in September.....

 So here are some photos to update our little happenings, as we finally bit the bullet and bought another camera (praying we do not lose/break this one!)

My boys love to be silly before bedtime. I think bedtime is one of my favorite times of the day. Mike is home, I am home, and of course Collin and Jacob are there too. The boys are clean (and smell so good!) dinner is over, and we get to read lots of books and play horsey with Daddy too!

Last week, Mike sent me up to Park City to spend some time with my sisters and Mom (and Suzie and Cody too!) It was honestly so much fun! We headed up to Park City, ate at the best Italian restaurant, and enjoyed the beauty of this time of year (the leaves change a bit earlier then ours do as Park City is at a higher altitude.) We did pedicures and manicures, while listening to my mom snore softly, taking us back to the days when Megan used to let us come into her room and play. We laughed so much, and were quite tired in the morning when we woke up.

See how pretty???

We woke up the next morning, pretty early, and hit Swiss Days. There are so many vendors, so many fun ideas, and some pretty decent food to boot. 

I look forward to Swiss Days each year, as it is just a rare fun moment where Utah puts on an actual craft-show, with the delicious foods to go right along with it.

Next came Labor Day, which was spent with my side, as Mike had to work. It was just a long day. I think I was still tired from my trip, plus I do not like celebrating holidays without Mike (something we have had to do since having kids.) 

I only took the first picture, and I actually am not sure who took the other two, but I love how cute and sweet little Suzie is! She is such a joy to all of us.

And to round out the first few days of September, Collin started joy-school (neighborhood run pre-school, where six moms (including myself) all take turns doing pre-school, two days a week, for an hour and a half. So we took some second-day (the camera was left at my mom's the first day) pictures. Collin is such a trooper. It's a wonder that first children do so well, as they are the guinea pigs. Collin is such a funny kid, and although has his moments, is really a big sweetheart. (And please ignore the dirty carpet, it is already scheduled to be clean and hopefully replaced in the near future!)

Joy School

Since moving to the small town that we now live in, and going down to one car for the time being (and because Mike having to have surgery kind of sadly sucked the little nest egg we had set back for another car) I have had to re-evaluate pre-school plans for Collin. I know next year we will have a second car, so we will be putting him in a formal pre-school, but for now, something had to be done.  So I was beyond excited when a really funny gal in our new ward, asked if I was interested in doing a joy-school. I immediately said yes! But then I walked away scratching me head, because I did not even know where to begin with ideas (or really what a joy school even was.) Just when I had that thought, I was smacked in the back of the head with a "duh" moment: Pinterest! And boy are there some awesome ideas!!!! So here we go:



The site above is definitely one of my favorites. Because not only has she given me some ideas for joy-school, but also for church, in helping my little guys to be a bit more reverent.

This is an awesome site, as you can type any words or phrase, and it will create printing sheets.














And this brilliant gal has a million ideas for hand and foot painting.
 They are so cute and will be so fun!!!



This site gives a DIY that will save your pre-school/home-school budget. From finger-paints, to homemade bubbles, to side-walk chalk (and many many more!) This will save you loads!

Via: theberry.com

And to round out the bucket-full of ideas that these sites will bring, (because seriously there are sooo many ideas!!!) here is one last one. These ideas are probably for a bit older of a preschooler (maybe about to begin kindergarten) but are still super fun.

Darn Computers

I promise, a real post is coming soon. Our computer broke down nearly a month ago, and as soon as we figure out the issues with our internet, I will have a post with pictures. We are doing great, I started week two of losing weight today, which hopefully will go as well as week one, where I lost 2.5 pounds. Collin can drive you nuts one moment, and the next moment he is saying the funniest things or being the best big brother. He loves to us when he is eating that "this is the best food, ever!" But the other day after fighting over a toy Jacob was playing with, he informed me that he no longer wanted Jacob as a brother, that he wanted a new brother or sister. Jacob is learning new words every day, and is a little walking fool. He has come so far, and we love watching him grow. He now falls asleep on his own and the moments we enjoy when he will sir and snuggle are the moments we really treasure. Mike had a massive kidney stone two weeks ago, and ended up having to be put under so they could blast the stone, which they did over 500 times. He was in tons of pain for about a week total, and is doing much better. We are gearing towards school starting again and looking at doing a joy school with some neighbors this year, and then putting Collin in a formal preschool next fall. So long for now.

Perrie-Bug

Sweet Barbara Perrie is in the last hours to maybe days of her life. I am going to miss her so much. She has changed my life for the better. I will post more about her tomorrow. The tender-mercy for me today was having baby Jacob say her name again, and again "Bar-bra." No coaching, just the love for someone to learn their name. And Collin going over to Perrie, as she laid in her bed, and laying his head in her lap, so that she could kiss and hug him, like she normally does, but she was unresponsive right than. Going to miss you girl-friend. :(

My Lilly

I am not sure why sometimes there are moments where I miss Lilly and Ryker. I think it may have something to do with me sensing their sweet spirits as they come to check on us, and my heart and soul can sense that. I have been reading the doings of our cute little niece Morgan. Morgan and Lilly were born the same day, just a few hours apart from another. 

My sister-in-law and I were due just about a week and a half from another, and we ended up both having our babies the same day. Morgan is so sweet, but just growing up so fast. So sometimes when she hits those milestones, it is a bittersweet reminder of what I am missing. 

And as much as I know I will have her again someday, there is just no escaping the pains of missing her, and Ryker. Having Lilly was one of the hardest things I ever did. I went through 20 hours of labor in the hospital before having a c-section, and every minute and every day we had her, there was the constant worry that we would be saying goodbye to her. 

So today I mourn the little girl who made me a mom. I mourn the days I have spent away from her, and long for the days when I will see her again and hold her in my arms. So I leave you with a few pictures of my sweet girl. Love you Lilly.

Losing Weight

Anyone else hear a broken record in here? Anyone? Oh, that's right, it is just me. My adult life-long struggle has been weight. I still remember sitting through report on a mom (I work on a mother/baby post-partum floor) and having the nurse tell me how large the patient was. I was working with a nurse who was about the same height and size as me. When we left the patient's room, my co-worker said exactly what I had just been thinking "if she thinks she is huge, what does she think of me?" as this patient was just a slightly fluffier (and rightfully so 2 days post-delivery) version of the nurse and myself.

I had to laugh last week when I met with the gal who was signing me up for Anytime Fitness. She was super sweet. She asked if I was addicted to exercising. I chuckled and said "I wish." I looked down and just could not believe that she wondered that someone as chubs as I am could be addicted to exercising. I made some comment like "if I were addicted, I would not be so overweight." She looked at me, serious as could be, and said "I do not think you are overweight. You look perfectly healthy to me." I just kind of looked at her, thanked her for being kind, and finished filling out my form. Now I know I am obese. That's just the fact of the matter according to my BMI. But maybe it is like when I watch the show "What Not to Wear" and see these really gorgeous women with such low self esteem try to find clothes that they will be "happier" in and feel pretty. But what these women do not realize is how beautiful they already are. They do not see the potential that a good haircut and some basic make-up could have in their life, along with clothes that flatter their body types. It always makes me second guess me beating myself up because I am so over-weight. So I am wondering what an emotional toll this journey will have on me as far as feeling and seeing myself as healthy (just for the record, my blood pressure was 96/47 when I went to the doctor so being overweight does not equal me not being healthy, just as being skinny does not equate to someone being healthy.)

With our move to 30 miles south of where we had lived before, I no longer had a gym to exercise at. And I do better going somewhere to exercise, and quite honestly, having to pay makes me that much more accountable. So I joined the Anytime Fitness, and I have a feeling it will be a tremendous blessing. And it is only 4 miles down the road, and like the name, I can exercise ANYTIME! I have been working on my eating. I have many imperfect moments still with food, but I will not let those moments define me as a failure. I found a really inspirational blog via Pinterest. Now this momma swears, but I love her style of writing and she makes me laugh, while providing me with the inspiration to really do this.

A few of you may have read the weight-loss blog that I write on sporadically. But for convenience (and for support and accountability) I am going to be posting on here about this weight-loss journey, from time to time. I have been using My Fitness Pal, so if any of you already use that, maybe we could be weight-loss buddies (my user name is eevg.)  I am making a short term goal of losing 30 pounds for now, and than I will go from there. I started at 242, and am down at 237 this week. I know that is a lot of weight, trust me. I kind of cringe to even share this. But I know this is a step I have needed to make for some time.

I love these funny little boys. These are a couple random pictures I found on the phone. The skunk hat gets played with, a lot. We even put it on our poor dog from time to time. He is a good sport about it thankfully. We have been stuck in the house for the last two weeks, and after 4 days of being on an antibiotic, my boys are finally doing a lot better. Collin was only a little sick, but we went ahead and put Collin on the antibiotic. Jacob has unfortunately suffered from the the ill effects that antibiotics can have on your stomach, so I am looking forward to having him off the antibiotic at the end of next week.

So truly we have been in survival mode the last 2 1/2 weeks. I have been going cabin crazy and now that they are doing better, we are looking forward to celebrating the beginnings of summer, as it is so beautiful outside! 

So not much happening otherwise. And I just wanted to comment on my last post. I was not trying to come off as someone who does not like being a mom. I just wanted to say that although it has taken me a tad bit longer to really grow a love for the daily ins and outs of being a mom, I have always felt nothing but gratitude for the calling. My boys are my world. I feel strange when I am away from them, and count the moments until I can see them again. I hope I did not hurt or insult anyone. I could not be happier to spend my days taking care of Collin and Jacob.

Motherhood

As you know, becoming a mother was certainly not a simple for me. It has always been something I wanted, but honestly and truly, I am not sure if I ever really understood it. When Mike and I decided that we both wanted to start a family, I was already pregnant with our sweet daughter Lilly. I had felt the need to start our family about 7 months before I became pregnant, but it took Mike until that first pregnancy test (or 3-4 as we were in utter unbelief) to realize it was something he wanted too. (The guy was in such shock that he honestly believed the pregnancy tests were broken, that he even tried one out himself. Good news he was not pregnant also!) When we found out all we were facing with Lilly, and than we were able to have her for those 5 glorious weeks, and than losing her and not being a mom any longer (at least it felt that way), it was really very strange and so very hard. I missed her so much, but all at the same time, I was so happy to sleep again, which made me feel even worse ( Lilly did not sleep much her 5 weeks on this earth as she had a ton of seizures 24/7, which meant not a lot of sleep for Mike and I.)

When Ryker came along, and we found out all we were facing, I wanted so badly to keep him safe and protect him. When I saw him after his 6 hour open heart surgery, I honestly wanted to be sick because I honestly could not believe I had just allowed someone to do that to my sweet newborn baby. And his whole 7 weeks were again filled with sleepless nights (pumping and calling PCMC at all hours of the night to check on him), and the constant worry, and the annoyance of feeling like he was more the nurses' baby than my own, even when I would try to do all I could to be his mom, but I just felt broken in the mom department. When his little stomach was torn at 3 weeks, and there were massive amounts of blood pouring out of him from both ends, and I was assisting in trying to clean up the blood pouring from him, with everyone rushing around, I could not believe that Heavenly Father had this in mind when he gave the insight that our little family needed to grow. And when we told the doctors and nurses that it was time to stop the life-saving measures on Ryker a few weeks after his little tummy had been torn and than repaired, that it was time for Mike and I to hold our baby and say goodbye, I again wondered if this would be my journey in motherhood: never having a baby to keep and raise on this earth.

I felt so broken after. I wondered if it would just be Mike and I in life. It was beyond hard to see other friends and family having babies and being pregnant. I cried a lot. And than we had the push into adoption, of a mom wanting us to have her baby. She changed her mind in the end, and I was actually working in the nursery the day the mom delivered and I remember looking at my almost son and realizing that none of the feelings I had with my babies were there for this baby.

I remember being at work, and getting the call about Collin. I was a mess. And the next 5 weeks were such a whirlwind, and we almost gave up. I remember driving away from St. George, just crying, that we would lose the little baby who we knew should be our son. I remember Mike saying "we don't need this, we have been through enough." And I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to move on, but than looking at that little boy's picture and realizing that I had to fight. So we made record time on becoming foster-care certified, and he became ours. Being a mom to Collin was really hard. I loved him so much, but he did not know our voices, or our smells, and he was quite the angry little baby at night those first 4 months. And although I loved being his mom, I did not 100% love being a mom. I missed the sleep, missed the quiet (Collin was really very colicky,) and I did not have those 9 months of little flutters and kicks to get to know him. So in a sense, there was adjustment time, and boding time, that developed and grew with each day but that were not there from the absolute moment we brought him home.

And than Jacob came along, and about 5 of the months I was pregnant with Jacob, I did not really get to be much of  mom to Collin. I was so sick at first, and than I was battling for my baby's life, and than placed on bed-rest. And to be honest, he seemed so much happier being with everyone else but his mom, that I once again questioned my ability to be the mom I had hoped I would be.

After Jacob was born, and after he was finally able to come home, we spent the next 6-7 months being very sleep-deprived and exhausted with worry as Jacob was just so sick those first 6-7 months.  But it seemed like once the 13-14 month mark hit, I began to be better, as I began to be less sleep-deprived. My days were not so sad, and there was more happiness to be had. I realized that after 6 years of worrying as to whether I was a good mom or not, that what really mattered was not what I had originally thought to be what was important. What mattered were Collin and Jacob, and being the best mom to them  My darling little boys did not love me any less if the house was perfectly clean. They did not love me any less when I would swear, or yell, or cry. They just loved me because I was the one who was there to put them to bed, I was there to give them baths, and read them books, and play and be silly with them. They loved me because I would put on music and dance with them, and kiss their boo-boos when they got hurt. They loved me because I loved them, and that is what made me a good mother. Being the best mom did not include being perfectly "natural" in all aspects of my life, or never having a moment where I lost it, or doing every activity I found on Pinterest. I am not knocking the super-moms out there. That is not how I roll. I just am trying to say that although I am not perfect as a mom, I am the perfect mom to Collin and Jacob, because they are mine and I am there mom.

I am not sure how long it takes women to enjoy motherhood, but I have found that in the last few months that I actually love being a mom. I am not saying I did not enjoy being a mom, but I honestly could not have said I loved it. For the longest time, I could not see how someone could be a stay-at-home-mom, as the idea for so long sounded crazy and just not what I wanted. Part of being a good mom is being selfless. We give and give of ourselves, only having a few small moments of peace and quiet, and a lot of days I am praying Mike will be home early. But I am finally to the point where I love and enjoy motherhood. I love being Collin and Jacob's mom. Seriously, I sometimes wish I could be home with them all the time (with maybe a day of work every other week just so I can talk to some adults!) It is the hardest but yet most rewarding jobs that I was not sure for awhile I would ever love.

Does this mean I will never lose my temper with my little guys, or that my house and life will always be just perfect? Nope, because I know that while I am working on the imperfections, I am still just as imperfect as ever. But what I can do is continue to be the best mom I can be, and not by anyone else's standards beside my own. Well, sorry for the novel. And I hope I was able to share my thoughts in a manner which you can understand. I hope I am not crazily alone in this. I think there would have to be someone out there that has the guilt of maybe not loving being a mom, and yet still adores her kids and would do anything in the world for them. i am off to bed, as Jacob is just barely starting to feel better.

So after surviving the move and finals, all in the same week, we are finally settled into our new place. We love living in a small town. This is the first time for Mike, but not my first small town living experience. We love our town house, love the beauty of the mountains, love passing fields and farms as we drive home, and the clean air and the smell of rain on the wild sweet grass. It was a smell I had almost forgotten after 10 years of living in a city. It is interesting driving into work, and seeing the smog cloud I did not even realize that we lived in. Our new ward is wonderful, although we have only been once because unfortunately the boys were sick (we have had colds all week, and for some reason, last night the boy's became worse.) So we have not made a lot of friends yet but we have only been here two weeks. It is a tremendous blessing to have a home with lots of storage, because it is that much easier to clean and keep clean. This is one of my favorite spaces, the toy room/play area.

I have always wanted a toy room for the boys. But with the homes we have lived in, it just was not possible. So when I started planning the layout of rooms and what furniture we would put in each room I made a decision to have one. When my Grandma lived in the house, she had the dining room right behind her living room. This would be fine, but my Grandma has carpeting in this space, which food and carpet do not go well together. So I made a decision to put the kitchen table in the kitchen, and actually I love having a little less space in my kitchen, because the pay-off of having my boys in the kitchen while I make dinner, as well as not having a tv in our dining space, and thus allowing the space for my boys to have their own play area is just a tremendous benefit to our little family. I will get pictures of the boys room posted as soon as I get them finished. We painted their rooms before we moved in. Jacob's is a linen color, and Collin's is a light blue-gray. Pictures will be coming in the next week or two.

 Jacob has mastered the stairs in the first day and half we started living here, which he now loves going up and down. He has started walking a few steps, but still seems unsure of himself when left to walk alone. His vocabulary seems to increase each day. My favorite new word is "hello." He has said "hi" for awhile, but the hello cracks me up. When we talk to our family on the phone, they always think they are talking to Collin as Jacob learns new words and sounds more and more grown up. The people from the early intervention (it's called Kids Who Count) came this last week and could not believe how well Jacob gets around and they hinted at Jacob not needing their services much longer.

Mike has always worried about Jacob. He has always rocked while in chairs or seated on the couch (which is something my brothers, my dad, and my uncles did/still do) and covers his ears when the blow dryer is going or the vacuum is running. But he talks, moves, and goes up to complete strangers to be held, and loves to be cuddled. So I asked the evaluators what they thought, and they actually laughed. Apparently he is as far from autistic as possible, which really helped ease some worry with Mike. I was not actually that worried, as I have worked with Autistic children and adults and Jacob did not fit into the description of being autistic. Along with Jacob turning 18 months, he has started some tantrums when he does not get what he wants or if he is tired. He saw his doctor this week for a well-child visit and we took this video. Apparently Collin taught his brother how to say "cheers" and then click their cups together. I did not know they even knew how to do this, so this was a new experience for me. And apologies for it being sideways!

Collin can drive us nuts one moment and than just be cute and hilarious the next minute. He is kind of sneaky, as he sneaks snacks that are up in the cupboard or on top of the fridge, or by taking our phone and hiding so he can play games on it. He scared me this week, hiding behind some boxes in a closet and not responding to my calls, as I went running outside, sure he had snuck out, sans bra and shoes (I had a shirt on at least.) After 15 minutes of me calling his name while having a panic/asthma attack, he finally reappeared, much to the delight of my neighbors and myself. Worst. Feeling. Ever.  Ugh, I hope I never experience that again. There is nothing more terrifying than thinking your child is gone. The sweetest phrase Collin has learned since moving is telling those he loves that he misses them. When I work the two days a week I work, he will tell me on the phone "I miss you." And he told me this morning, "But I need Tatum, and Grandma, and Papa, and Grandma and Grandpa Gourley." He definitely needs his family close by. He is learning so much each day, and teaching Mike and I even more. We love our little boys so much, and are so grateful to take the summer off and spend time as a family.

I have been missing Lilly and Ryker, as I sort through boxes and find little things that were theirs. It is crazy that they would have been 5 and 6 this year. I would be getting Lilly ready for Kindergarten, which has that bittersweet feeling. What is crazy is that had Lilly lived, and if Ryker had lived, we would have had two very high-risk little ones. I am grateful that they are able to escape the hate and evils of this world, as I grow more and more terrified for Collin and Jacob, and what they will face. I am grateful for the knowledge we have of ways to safeguard our family. Someone brought up a beautiful fact in our church meeting last week, that because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is family-centered, we have programs already in place to teach our children correct principles through theses days where confusion seems to abound, and we are already aware that their is an ever-present attack on family-time. So I am grateful for the principles it provides me to hopefully make the difference in my children.Anyways, I will post more again soon, as it is late and I need to get to bed!  :)

TMI

So I accidentally posted something that was taken out of context, just a piece of a post (this is why I should not post at 11 pm at night.) And of course, more people read the post in the short 21 hours it was up than probably have in the last month (and yes, I do follow the stats) so my husband said I probably needed to clarify. So here we go.

Having babies for me is terrifying. I do not get pregnant just because I am baby hungry. My issue with my IUD right now is that I have gained 28 pounds since getting the blasted thing. The same thing happened when I went on birth control when I first got married. So after some deliberation, and studying the side effects of the Mirena IUD, I have decided that the weight gain+the nausea+the migraines+the horrendous un-wanted hair growth=me being done with IUD. Let me say this again, I do not want a baby right now. But we do want more children someday, which will probably equal to us having one more and adopting again. This is a personal decision. It may be hard for dear friends and family to experience another pregnancy with us, but it is something that is decided between my husband and I and a loving Heavenly Father. Lilly and Ryker were not mistakes. Children are not mistakes, no matter how un-planned they may be. And here is another shocker, although it did/does hurt to have lost Lilly and Ryker, the grief Mike and I experience on a DAILY basis (yep, nearly 5 and 6 years later, it still hurts everyday) is so much more intense for the parents of that child, so if we decide to have another, we do understand the risk of being hurt again and recognize that risk.

The geneticist we met with answered our question on having more children. This was his exact answer: "do you believe in God?" "Well, yes, we do." "Than have more children." Although this is easier said than done, it is still something that is very much in the future for us. But in order for this to happen, I need to lose weight. Over weight and obese mothers are already at an increased risk to have babies with congenital heart defects, and since our risk is already significant, I am going to do everything in my power to be healthy. And the weight I need to lose will not be something that happens quickly. I am hoping to be just 60 pounds lighter in the next year or so, and to get into my "healthy range," I would need to lose 100+ pounds.  The IUD needs to come out for the reasons stated above, and as a perfectly capable adult, there are other methods to prevent having another child. So before there are judgements made, and stones cast, understand that we are not stupid, nor do we have our heads buried in the sand.

I hate that I am at times made to feel like a child in the decisions we make. I hate that the world we live in is so judgmental, both in those we love and from those who know nothing about us. People say and do stupid stuff, everyday. For example, last week when I went to get doughnuts (oh man am I going to miss the weekly Daylight Donut run), the girl who waited on us got our order completely wrong. We did not realize this until we got home. I called, and they told us the next two doughnut orders were on them. So today, when I went to pick up our weekly doughnut run, she kept apologizing and telling us how sorry she was. I responded by saying, "it's okay, we all make mistakes as we are all human." '

Another example: the May after Ryker passed away, there was a memorial at Primary Chilrdren's Medical Center for the families who had lost a child in the last year. We were running late from church, and for some reason the traffic was really bad on Foothill Drive. There was a man riding a bike, all decked out in his wedgie-suit (that's what I call them) and he was actually riding in the lane, and not off to the side. We tried to honk him, but he was being what I term a bum-hole, and would not budge, but would flip us off at every light and laugh at us, blocking our way and making us even later than we were. I remember saying to Mike "if he only knew what we were going to attend, I bet he would not be acting in such a way." But every day, we make judgments and decisions based on a small piece or two of the puzzle people are, without knowing what is happening in their lives. Just today on the news, there was a young boy who brought a bee-bee gun to school, because he wanted to show how tough he was since he was tired of being teased about his leg braces. I cried. We just never know.

So why would I cast a stone when I sin and forget things on a daily basis, or make a hasty and needless judgment? There was an excellent talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf at this last month's LDS General Conference. Here was my favorite part of the talk:

 "The moment we judge someone else, he explained, we condemn ourselves, for none is without sin."


"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?"

I am far from perfect. I try each day to do a little better. So before I get a million calls and comments about my accidental post, just realize that this truly and honestly is no one else's business, and if the judgements of this someday decision are unfavorable, just maybe keep them to yourself. You would not believe the comments that both Mike and receive about any desire to have our family grow other than through adoption (which again, is in the plans as we do love adoption!) and it is down-right hurtful. And I grow tired of just smiling and than going home and crying because of the ignorance to the pain statements like that cause. I realize I say stupid things, like all the time. But I am trying my darndest to be a bit nicer and not so judgmental, as I would want to have the benefit of the doubt. Anyways,  I am off to bed as I am blistered and sore after paintings two rooms today at our new house, and my day is packed full tomorrow with cleaning and washing. So maybe just take this all as trying to be a bit nicer and maybe we all could try to suspend judgement. 

I hope that this post made sense. And sorry for the TMI last night. 

The Fort

What do you when you are packing and washing blankets to be packed away? You use them to build an awesome fort! I have been working hard to be ready for our big move next week, and a lot of my OCD's leak into my moving. Having yummy smelling clean blankets is one of those OCD (I am kind of a laundry freak:) So after they were finished washing, we moved the kitchen table chairs into the living room, and had some fun. Collin and Jacob had so much fun, crawling through the maze of blankets, lounging on pillows, reading books, and playing with toys.

Collin was pretending that it was a bear cave towards the end, and Jacob thought he was quite funny acting like a bear!

But then Curious George came on, and Curious George happens to be Jacob's favorite of the PBS shows. So Jacob was all business watching George and his shenanigans. These two little boys make me so happy. They are just such a funny and happy little duo (not all the time of course) but they sure know how to have fun and are funny little friends. 

Photo-Bomb

 Since my sweet sister-in-law has been asking for pictures (she and her cute family are away in California while my brother-in-law attends Veterinary school) I decided a photo-bomb is in order!

These are pictures of Easter Sunday, while we visited Dad as he had to work at the hospital Easter Sunday (wouldn't it be nice if hospitals only had the need to be open Monday through Friday?)  I love putting my boys in matching outfits, and these were perfect for Easter!

These next few are pictures taken at one of our new favorite family-fun spots, Provo Beach Resort. There is is much fun to be had there, with $1 carousel rides, carnival games, miniature croquet, toddler town (which was super fun for the moms and dads too!) miniature bowling and regular bowling, and for the more ambitious, surfing and boogie boarding! And the ice-cream was awesome! And all for a really cheap price. We will be going back there again for sure!

This was Collin after our fun day. I love when my kids pass out after our family activities ( Mike and I passed out on the couch too immediately after!)

 Collin has a "girlfriend" who works with Mike. She is also in our ward (our church group) and she LOVES Collin. She took Collin for a birthday lunch a few weeks after his birthday, and bought him new jammies and this huge puzzle, which Collin loves putting together.

And as you can see, we are busy (amongst other activities) with moving in less than two weeks, which is shown here by the boxes and mess in the back-round. But I just wanted to show the love Collin and Jacob have for their dog Skip. He gets "loved" on and on, and just takes it all in stride. I do not know what we would do without our Skip. He is one of the smartest dogs I have ever had and he is just loving and protective, all at once.

Collin and Jacob have a bad habit of drinking Diet Coke. Not really, it is actually their Dad who loves the stuff, so he finds it humorous to pose them in pictures with the good stuff and send it to his twin brother and to Grandma and Grandpa G. 

This was Collin's "snow-suit" one day, arm floaties and all. He makes us laugh each and every day.

For Collin's Birthday, he wanted to go to the zoo. Since the weather was in the 50's, we decided to oblige his request. It was a lot of fun, and there were very few people there, so we could see the animals without having to battle the crowds. My favorite was the tiger, sleeping so close to the window, oblivious to the some-what obnoxious family trying to get his attention on the other side of the glass.

It was feeding time for the giraffe's so they were actually really very close to us.  The last time we went, the baby giraffe sadly died the day after. So there are only adult giraffes currently. 

The carousel there is always so much fun too!

Collin can be pretty good at picking on Jacob, but for the most part, they are just the best of friends. Collin was playing in a box one day, and he was trying to pull Jacob up into the box, insisting Jacob wanted to sit by him. So I wanted to take a picture, but Collin would only make silly faces, while Jacob kept saying "cheeeeeesssssseeeee." It was pretty cute.

And Skip kept trying to give them kisses.

And Skip, so ever the good-sport, wearing the skunk-hat Collin kept putting on over and over again. 

This is the underside of the table for our pediatrician's office, and Collin and Jacob had both climbed under, so I snapped a picture. They both love their pediatrician Dr. Glade, and his office is so fun, with fun rooms, and an aquarium with Nemo and friends to boot.

Deep sea explorers!

And my favorite moments, watching my boys sleep after lots of fun. My house may not always be perfect, but we have lots of fun.

So hopefully that appeases the family who are not close (Shell, Chad, and co, and Ben, Erica, and co.) We are going to be crazy these next few weeks, but I will try to update as much as I can.