So Sorry

I know, my blogging skills are L-A-M-E!!! Last week, our car was hit from behind. We were stopped at a light, waiting to turn to go and pick up Collin. Well the roads are wet and something Utah drivers are not very good at is going a speed that is conducive to the weather. So the young man behind us, going to fast for the wet conditions, hydroplaned and slammed into us. Thank-heavens for our amazingly safe Subaru, because really, although I am sure the bumper will have to be replaced, our car held up really well. I was sitting awkwardly in the car, so when he hit us, my leg slammed into the area under the dash and I had some pretty bad pains from my foot all the way up my back. And the next day I had a pretty good case of whiplash.  So that mixed with nasty allergies and clogged sinuses with a migraine, I was down and out for a few days. I did get checked out later that evening at the ER and everything looked great and our little guy was perfect. He was just swimming around just looking perfect. We were even able to see his little brain.  The ultrasound tech was a friend of ours from work, and he took the time to look at what he could see. Did not try to look at the heart, it was still just to small. I go again to perinatology next Wednesday to scan the heart and check for 4 chambers to the heart. I am just praying everything is okay. I need things to be okay. We need his heart and everything to be all right. Anything I have bought, I have saved the receipts. I know all women are cautious, but I am just so hesitant to fully allow my hopes to be up.
I was pretty baby hungry today. I started stocking up on a baby wash that we used when Collin was a baby. We were able to take care of his dry flaky skin and all problems with sensitivity with this wonder product. My sister does not love how it smells, but to me it is DIVINE!!!! So Collin needed a bath this morning, and since we were out of his baby wash, I used some we bought for the baby. And all day, I would grab him and sniff him, and just hug him tight.

I seriously love the way it smells on a clean baby. Not sure there is a better smell than a clean baby bathed in this wonderful stuff. It is kind of pricey, but we seriously did not have one skin problem using this, the shampoo, and the lotion. Not even a diaper rash. I can not wait for our little guy to come. I am starting to feel him move a bit more and more each day. We are also buying a camera probably next week (we work the weekend) so I will finally be able to update with pictures of Collin. He got a big boy haircut last Thursday and just looks like a little boy. Well, I had better go tackle my house!!!

Feeling Better

I am knocking on wood, crossing my fingers/toes/hair/anything that will cross, in the hopes of saying the worst of morning sickness is over does not set myself up for a repeat of the last time I said I was feeling better. I am even going to tackle some of the projects that I have been putting off for the last two months this week. Now that the shock of having two little boys has set in, I am getting excited. I am praying this little guy is healthy, but I have to just be hopeful. I finally allowed myself to buy something for him. It is a little newborn onesie that says "I Love My Daddy." I have even been looking on-line for clearance items of warmer infant clothing (Collin was never in newborn clothing and only wore warm clothing for about a month after we brought him home till he started into shorts and t-shirts) so we have started the hunt. I think I will make some soft little yoga jersey-like pants for him, and take some simple onesies/tees and add some cute appliques to them to give them personality.

 I love the whale on this one. I know we still have some steps before we can go crazy since we still are cautious (optimistically so) but still cautious. I also am going to make one of these, because I love the photographs I have seen with them. And I love to crochet.

I just love the sleepy newborn pics, because it truly lasts but a moment. I am thinking of doing it in a creamy oatmeal. And if we do have a healthy babe, we will be delivering at the hospital I work at and they have a new photographer that takes darling pictures. And I have some really talented photography friends that offered to take some pictures at the hospital.

And since we LOVE our house (even if it is small with two bedrooms) I think we are going to have our boys share a room (although the babe will probably be in our bedroom for the first 2-3 months) I want their spaces to be individual still. So I am going to make some banners like this (similar to the ones I made for Collin's birthday) for their spaces.

Not quite this big, but something like that!!!

I am going to be making some blankets (because Collin's have seen better days) and I love the flannel blankets for swaddling. I love the look of this one. The blue birds give it a little bit of a retro feel. Makes me happy every time I see it. Anyways, I had better sign off so Mike can reclaim the computer.

Oh, and we scheduled our fetal echo. They will be scanning in two weeks to check for the 4 chambers of the heart, and than will be getting some really good pictures at 20 weeks with another ultrasound, followed by a fetal echo the 2nd of July. Mike went up to see his cardiologist at Primary's today and she wrote the referral so that we could schedule the echo. Just really hopeful this baby will be healthy!!!

Perfection... Not My Thing.

I was reading a friends blog tonight. I love reading her blog, because to me she is pretty remarkable, very kind, very talented, and someone I wish I could be more like. I am so far from perfect. I feel like the goal of trying to be the best me is sometimes impossible, because a lot of days I am just tired. My homemaking skills are crap because when I go to cook, I feel sick and sometimes get sick. I think Mike grows tired of my bland cooking. And I need to stay home and clean my house so badly, but I go back to being tired. Something I do feel like I am good at is being a Mom. I love Collin more and more every day, and some days, when I have to go to work, it breaks my heart because I miss him and I know he misses me. Now he can be a naughty little stinker, but I can only be upset for him a whole minute before I start laughing or just grab him and hug him. I love when he hands me a book and puts his arms up to climb into my lap to be read to. I love how if you are laying on the floor or laying on the bed he will "tackle" you and just bust up giggling. His giggle kills me. I worry about sharing my attention and love with both Collin and this new little boy. I know everything will be fine. I know probably every Mom has these fears and anxieties. It is one of the reasons I am going for a VBAC, so that I am not so down and out that I cannot lift Collin. I try so hard to make sure he listens to good music although the kid bops to just about anything (he was bouncing and laughing at my version of "All the Single Ladies" tonight) and just makes us laugh! But as good as a mom as I try to be, it seems like I cannot get so many other parts of my life right. I guess that is why we have this life, to become better people. And I guess that is why I was given our miracles, each and every one of them. I miss Lilly and Ryker. It is probably why I so look forward to seeing Collin after my long work days, because the reunion is so exciting. When that little boy goes running to my arms, I could just melt. So I guess I will look forward to the day when two little boys come running to their Momma, I will have found that balance, and reach down and embrace my two little turkeys. Anyways, I had better sign off. This has made me tearful enough for one night!!! Gotta love the hormones. :)

Our Bundle of Joy

Last Tuesday, we had our first 2 tests toward finding out if this baby will be healthy. We were hoping to get the results Monday, but as the hours ticked by, it seemed as though that was not going to happen. I barely slept Monday night, plagued with crazy dreams and continually just waking up. So when I woke up Thursday morning, I went and got Collin and his milk and he laid besides me as I called maternal fetal medicine. The sweet nurse said the genetic counselor was not in, nor were the results showing up in the computer, but she would have the genetic counselor call me as soon as she got in. Well, about 45 minutes later, I got the call. She asked how I was doing. I told her anxious. She laughed, and told us that she had good news: everything in the tests came back perfectly!!! I was so excited, Collin even started clapping at my excitement. She than asked if we wanted to know what the baby was going to be. I told her yes. She said, "well, its a little baby boy!!!" I was stunned and excited, and Collin started clapping again! This was the first time that it was not Mike and together finding out what the baby would be. I thanked her, and got of the phone. I told Collin that he was going to be a big brother, and I started clapping. Collin started laughing and clapping some more. I called Mike and let him know. He was finally right with this one (he predicted wrong with Lilly and Ryker) and he said, "no, you are fooling me." I told him I was not. He was laughing, and just really excited. It will be wonderful to have a brother so close in age for Collin, and there will be another boy cousin about two months before our little guy makes his debut!!! It will be a lot of fun, because Collin has a cousin exactly 2 months older and now this little guy will. I am definitely outnumbered in this house. Thank-heavens for Lilly!!! Our next step is in three weeks finding out if this little guy has four chambers to his heart. I am nervous, because our last biological little guy was our heart baby. But we are still hopeful. Thank-you everyone for the support, it means so much to us and for cheering us along. The scary part is just around the corner, with the next scan and than our fetal echo, which I will probably schedule next Monday at Mike's cardiology appointment up at PCMC (haha!) But it is relieving to have a little reassurance with each of these steps!

A Bittersweet Day

I will say this disclaimer, because I hate sounding ungrateful: I am so happy to be Collin's Mom. He blesses our lives continually, and I could not be more grateful for him. That being said, I am not a fan of mother's day. It truly is a love/hate relationship, but today more of the hate side of things. It does not help that I spent the morning at a memorial remembering Lilly and Ryker and many, many, many other babies (really too many others). Nor does it help having the hormones, from pregnancy, raging through my body. I miss Lilly and Ryker. I ache to hold them again in my arms. Today is one of those days in grieving when you feel the literal pain of loss. It physically hurts how much I miss them. I wish they were here with us, healthy and happy. Another aspect of not liking mothers day is that I hate that there are so many wishing/wanting so badly to be mothers, but can't, and yet, they would be some of the most wonderful mothers a child could ask for. It is like having salt placed on a wound. It hurts. But I goo back to the feeling that I should be grateful I have had children, and am a mother to Collin, and there are still so many waiting. So I feel even more guilt. I remember last year, being so happy that we had brought Collin home, but still feeling hurt because I did not have all of my children. I am saddened for my friends who have lost their little ones, for their hurt hearts and aching arms. As I looked around this morning, at the countless number of families, with the siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends there, having experienced the effects of the loss of  a child (and even some children) that it just broke my heart. And I could not help but just sob when I saw a picture of one of the babies that I had the honor of meeting, whose twin brother was born still, and he will never be able to have his best buddy like Mike does with his twin. I saw the pain in the eyes of those women, some whom either had other children or have had children since, and saw their sadness and heartache. Life goes on, whether you like it or not. But that piece of your heart always aches. This October, Lilly would have been 4 and Ryker would have been 3, and although time helps to ease the emptiness, it still never fades. I sometimes think of myself as forever broken. So maybe tomorrow, as you honor you mothers or wives, maybe just keep a little prayer in your heart for the women who would love to be moms and those who have lost a child (or children.) These days are very bittersweet. So I wish not only a Happy Mothers Day to the mothers out there, but also a little prayer and words of gratitude to those remarkable women whom love like a mother, whether they are a mother or not.

My Wiggler

I just really try to share the positives of this pregnancy, because although I worry and am nervous, I still want to enjoy the moments I have being pregnant. With Lilly, she would kick and move here and there, but she would not respond if she was pushed on. Ryker was a whole different story. Mike loved to poke my belly and feel Ryker kick back, or put his arm around me at night and feel him try to kick his arm off, something he never got to do with Lilly. I felt Lilly move when I was a little over 16 weeks. I felt Ryker when I was 13 weeks and two days. I kept wondering when I would first feel this one move, if that was just gas or if it was the baby. So today, after having my CVS on Tuesday, I went in to my OB to make sure things were okay. They checked for a heartbeat, and although it took awhile (I am only 12 weeks and 5 days and I have never heard the heartbeat via a doppler earlier than 14 weeks) she was able to get it. It was a beautiful 171 beats per minute. The funny part, was while she was trying, the baby kept wiggling. She was pressing pretty hard a couple of times, and we heard these little "blups" with the doppler. The first one we heard, I felt before we heard it. Yup, this little wiggler (who I think today is a boy but that changes every day!!!) was kicking and I felt it. Four times to be exact. I do not think I could tire of feeling my babies move. It was a feeling I thought I would never feel again, and that made me really sad. I am not sure if I will have anymore biological children after this one. So I savor every first, and treasure these little moments. So today, while my morning sickness is not bothering me (yet) I enjoy the pregnant moments.

A Little Fun

*My computer wigged out earlier and posted a half post so if any 

of you read and were confused, my apologies!!!

(I have included photos of our little one but you have to read on to understand

ALL the pictures !!!)

<---Bum over here and head this way--->

<----Head over here, bum at the bottom--->

<---Head this way, bum and little tubercule this way--->

Ever heard of a theory called "genital tubercle angle"??? Nope, well maybe you have heard of "the angle of the dangle"? Disclaimer here: we do not know what we are having yet. These pictures above are not ours, but they are babies who were guessed to be girls, due to the little wee-wee looking thing and the angle that points down. That little "wee-wee" looking thing is what you expect to see on all babies between 10-14 weeks gestational age. I know what you are wondering: don't they all look like shots of a boy??? You see, every baby has a little "wee-wee" looking thing at that age. But that is where the "genital tubercle angle theory" comes into play. The theory is that a female tubercle is slanted sort of straight/down toward the spine whereas a male will have it pointing higher than a 30 degree angle. (Google it if you need more info.) Now that we have something to compare these girly shots to,  here are some confirmed boy shots that are also 12 weeks along boys (when I say confirmed, I mean that they either now have had the child, have had a genetic screening, or an ultrasound at 20 weeks to discover the sex of the baby.)  And you can definitely see the difference between the boy shots and girl shots.

In this shot, the baby is a pretty obvious boy and the baby looks like he his sitting on his bum.

<---Bum and tubercle down there, head up here.--->

 

<---Head up here, bum and tubercle down there.--->;

And here are our little baby's pictures:

In the picture above you can see our little one a bit clearer. There is the cute face, his/her hand 

waving to us. The foot is closer to the belly and than below that is the little tubercle.

This is a zoom of the profile!!!

On the serious side of things, we had our nuchal translucency and CVS tests today. We did the ultrasound with the tech first, and she got some great shots of the neck and actually was able to get the shots needed to measure and look for the potential markers of a congenital heart defect. There were no markers showing, which does not mean we are free and clear yet, but hopefully shows some promise that maybe, just maybe, this baby will be heart healthy. Afterward, our perinatologist came in an scanned. It was beautiful to see that little heart just beating away. I swear you could see four chambers but the heart beats so quickly and is still small. But it was beating strong at 167. The last time it was beating at 189, so nice and steady. He or she kept waving hi to us and just was an active little one. It was pretty cute, if you ask me. It takes a while to set up for the CVS, because it is a sterile procedure and they had to track down some latex free sterile gloves. I will be honest: the amnio is worse, but a CVS is no picnic in the park. I am still sore and crampy and have to take it easy today and tomorrow and rest. I am also not to lift heavy items (like my 25 pound 1 year old) so he is off to Grandma's who was so sweet to volunteer to take him. We should have the results by next Monday, so we are in the waiting game for now. I go back in four weeks, when I will be 16 1/2 weeks along. We will scan the heart for 4 chambers, which will really bring some peace to hopefully see all four chambers. I will than have another ultrasound at 20 weeks and than a fetal echo around than also. It is crazy that I am heading into my second trimester come this Saturday. I am hoping to be out of the "morning-sickness" stage soon and to be feeling better.  This Saturday is a Walk of Remembrance that is held in honor of the little ones that passed away. It is at Thanksgiving Point and although there are always a lot of tears, it is a really sweet way to remember our little ones that left this world too soon. Well, I think that is about it for now. Enjoy the guessing game of what you think the baby will be!!! We will find out next week!!!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow we will be going to perinatology. We will be having two tests. The first is a CVS, where they will extract cells from the baby and than send them to be tested for any chromosome abnormalities and about 200 other genetic screenings. We should have the results in about a week. The second test is a nuchal translucency test. They will scan the neck of our little one, to check the fold. That checks for down syndrome, which we are not as worried about, but they also can see if their is fluid there too, which shows a mark for Congenital Heart Defects. We are nervous and excited. It will be good to have these done, and hopefully have some peace that things are going well. We just are praying this little one will be healthy. Hoping to hear good news!!!