Ryker's 2nd Birthday

I can not believe it has been two years. As I right this, I remember so well that we were headed up to the U of U hospital. You see, I had been to a Halloween party the night before, and I remember feeling Ryker kick before I fell asleep at 10:30. The next morning, I woke up pretty early, freaked out that I had not felt Ryker move all night (Ryker was a very active baby, constantly kicking me and Mike when he tried to put his arm around my stomach.) I had Mike go and get me some juice while I poked at him. He did not kick back. I tried eating some fruitloops, seeing if that would help: nothing. So I called my work to see if I could just come in and get checked. They told me that if I did and something were up, I would have to stay and deliver while Ryker was life-flighted to Primary's. So Mike and I got in the car and headed up. We arrived around 10 am, and the midwife checked me in. They watched me, and watched me, (well more they watched Ryker!) and watched me some more. After 5 hours and an IV, Ryker was not cooperating. When you are so far along, they like to see what is called variation in a monitoring strip. Ryker was having no variations, and not veyr many movements. I came out the restroom, and the midwife met me in the hall with Mike and informed me I would be delivering. I was not supposed to have Ryker till Halloween, so this was a surprise. The c-section would not happen for another two hours, so Mike and I quickly called our families to head up. Thankfully, I had brought a small bag of things for me and for Mike. We had to wait because they had another Mom that needed a c-section with a sick baby. It was a hard day for that other family. I do not know them, but they lost their little one after a valiant effort from the NICU staff at the U of U. They had me walk in for the c-section, and they got started. The interesting thing about a teaching hospital is how many people are in on procedures. (To be honest, I developed a uterine infection after my c-section, because my OBGYN said there was most likely a dirty finger or tool, so there were too many people in the room. I think there were probably about 15!) They did not even let us see Ryker for a moment. Thankfully Mike had the camera out, and started filming the second he could see Ryker. It was hard to wait to see Ryker. We ended up waiting about a little over and hour to finally meet our beautiful son. They had a hard time getting access into his arteries/veins, so we were only allowed to see him a short time. I had been puking since I had gotten on the operating table, and I was incredibly nervous. I just prayed I could not puke while they brought Ryker in before transporting him next door. I did just that. Our little boy was just beautiful. You could see how strong he was. Those moments are about the only ones I have with Ryker seeing him without tubes and lines. He just looked perfect. They took him over with Mike, and when they had me settled, Mike came back. They called a little while later to let us know they had to intubate. We were sad, but knew that it was a possibility. He was born on a Saturday evening, and I held him for the first time on Monday morning. It was amazing being able to hold your sweet baby for the first time. There is such a life he lived, better we lived, in the seven weeks we had him. Every moment we had with him was amazing, and we are grateful to what a fighter he was. I will post how Lilly's and Ryker's birthdays went either tomorrow or Thursday. We celebrated twice, something we usually do not do, but I think it was a great way to spend their birthdays! Here are some pictures that I do not think I have shared previously.

Happy 2nd Brthday Ryker!!!

I will make a longer post tomorrow, but I just wanted to wish our amazing little guy a happy 2nd birthday and just say how much we miss you. Your Dad and I are so proud of you. We spent the evening in your honor (and Lilly's) just watching the videos we made of you. Brought back a flood of memories, and the sweet times we had with you. Cannot believe we would have a two year old! We love you so much!
Love,
Dad, Mom, and Collin (and Skip too!)

Our Big Little Boy

We have been sick in our house. I will not go into the details, but we put off of our Lilly and Ryker birthday celebrations till this weekend, so we will post pictures than. Collin is growing way to fast. On Thursday, he will be 8 months old. He is such a funny boy. Even though he has been sick the last few days, he still is smiley and laughing (besides when he is getting the boogies wiped from his little face!) Collin has really become an expert to crawling. He started to crawl here and there at the beginning of September, but now just takes off at every chance he gets. He also loves to eat the little things he finds on the floor, which needless to say that he has had some interesting thing digested (and yes that may be TMI, but remember I did not go into details!:) The last few days have been spent with Collin trying to pull himself up to things. So this morning, when I went into his room to get him up, he was standing at the crib. He saw me, got excited and bonked his head. I guess we will be spending the evening lowering the mattress.



Collin loves to smile and giggle. I'm not sure there is a cuter noise than a baby giggling. Last week, we were at our niece's birthday party, and we arrived before the rest of the family. I was sitting holding Collin, and his cousin just kept running through the streamers and making them flow through the air. Collin thought this was hilarious. Every time she would do it, he would just giggle and giggle.
The video I have is of him crawling and giggling. It was not his belly giggle, but
it is still so cute. We cannot wait to have the adoption finalized and have him sealed to us. So enjoy his little sweetness, and understand why we are in such a hurry to have this guy be ours forever!!!

Lilly

Our little princess Lilly

Just an FYI:the computer in being uncooperative so the pictures are kind of in a random order.

Seeing Lilly for the first time

So excited! About to meet my little angel!!!

Being wheeled back after the C-section.

Can you tell Mike was really nervous and worried about me having a c-section and what would happen with Lilly.

Brand-new.

3 years ago, we met our sweet princess. Lilly was born shortly after 5 am via c-section. They pulled Lilly out, and took her the few feet to the warmer to access how she was. Her heart beat was around 70 (normal for an infant are 100-160) and her oxygen saturation levels were low. They handed her to Mike and told her to take Lilly over to Mom so that she could say goodbye. Mike placed Lilly right up by my face. To many, she may not have been beautiful in the baby-model sense, but to me, she was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen.You could feel her strong spirit. I spoke to her. I told her of the love we had for her, and how proud we were of her for fighting so valiantly so that her family could meet her. Miraculously, she started to fight back. Her heart rate started to pick up, and her oxygen started to improve.

Grandpa meeting Lilly.

I kissed her goodbye, and told Mike to take her to meet her family. It was hard to send her away, not knowing if I would see her again alive, but I just felt like it was right. They finished sowing me up, and took me back to the room.

Mike and his sister Kat saying hello.

The Grandmas getting their Lilly snuggles in.

All of our family were there with our little princess. It was wonderful to wheel in and see them all there with her! They got me settled, and handed me my beautiful angel. She was soooo perfect, in so many ways. I snuggled her, and just told her how much I loved her.
We decided to give her a name and blessing. I still remember the words of her blessing. After 2 hours, we decided to have Mike go down with her and let them fully access her and get her cleaned up. I had been up over 24 hours at this point, and so when they took me down to the mom/baby floor, I kept dozing in and out. They kept Lilly for 2 hours in the nursery. I kept telling them to bring her to me. Our amazing friend Heather came and took some super cute pictures and made BEAUTIFUL hand molds of Lilly's hand, feet, and each of us holding Lilly's little hand. We were told by our day-time pediatrician that they did not know what would happen. That evening, Lilly started to experience seizures. This was just the start. Our short time was full of family and friends, filled with experiences we wanted her to have. She was such a joy. Truly a little bit of heaven. To be near her was such a peaceful experience. We are so grateful for her. We did not have as many pictures as we did with Ryker (we honestly learned our lesson of not knowing when you will say goodbye to those you love!) but we treasure each and every picture we do have.

Need Some Major Help

Our sweet little guy sleeping away.

For those of you who are from areas with Children's hospitals, you most likely are familiar with Festival of Trees. Even when I was a little girl, I remember going to Cleveland to look at all the pretty trees with the cute decorations and beautiful lighting. Christmas truly is a magical time of year. When Ryker was alive and living at Primary Children's Medical Center, the Festival of Trees became that much more important.

Ryker pretty sick just the day after his open-heart surgery.

You see, all the proceeds of the Festival of Trees, that's right, 100% goes to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake City. For those of you who may have never had a child at Primary's, let me give you some pricing for how much it cost for these precious little ones. Ryker, my niece Gracie, and the many other heart babies stay on the PICU (the pediatric intensive care unit) which as you can imagine is astronomical for those not blessed with good health insurance (and even for those with health insurance but with high deductibles or low life time payments.) We have heart friends whose insurance have a cap on what they will pay out. We were fortunate to only have to pay $2,000 dollars with both Lilly and Ryker. Ryker's bill for the seven weeks he was at PCMC was over $500,000!!! Our niece Gracie is a $1.5 million gal herself. Can you imagine not having insurance? Heart transplants cost upwards of a million dollars. The money raised is vital to Primarys: vital to the patients without insurance, vital for Primarys to continue to offer a state-of-the-art facility. Almost everyone has a story where Primary's gave wonderful care to those they love.

Holding Ryker one last time just 5 days before he passed away.

So, here is your call to arms. I know it is not quite Christmas time, but Christmas is on the brain in the Intermountain Healing Hearts group. You see, we are fund-raising for a tree that will be donated to be sold at Festival of Trees. This awesome organization is a life-saver to so many. It has seen us through some really hard times. If you look at the top right hand corner of the blog, there is a button that will take you to where you can donate for the Festival of Trees. You can donate $1, $5, or whatever you would like.

One of our many wonderful nurses helping to make Ryker's tiny hand molds.

*Did I mention that Intermountain Healing Hearts is a non-for-profit organization? * Just please help us out with this! And specify that it is for the Festival of Trees in who is this for box! Thank-you to each and every one of you. It truly means a lot. We would not have had the seven weeks we did with Ryker were it not for Primary Childrens, and we would not have our sanity were it not for Intermountain Healing Hearts and the amazing support.

Click HERE to donate!!!

Good News

Guess what? We are FINALIZING (for sure) October 28th!!!!! If you cannot tell, we are sooo excited and ecstatic to know when everything is going to happen!!! We will be heading to this beautiful place on November 27th:

Collin will be ours both legally and eternally. Being sealed is a tremendous blessing. A friend in WV joined the church because her family could be together forever.
Since things have changed, we do not know what to do about having him blessed. You see, we are simple people. We get back from Cancun the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and we are going to be sealed the Friday after Thanksgiving, so I am trying to figure out the simplest way to do everything, but not feel so overwhelmed in one week. Any ideas or tips would be appreciated, since we are still very new to all of this. We cannot bless him at church on a Sunday because of work/Mexico/a nephew's baby blessing so we are befuddled. We will have to brainstorm and figure out what to do!!!

A Good Day

Although our finalization/sealing did not happen today, we still made it a good day. Right now, I am sitting here watching the cutest little guy jump in his jumper, with a cute little ghost painted on his cheek. Since this is the year of firsts, we decided to venture out to the 9th annual Scarecrow Festival at Thanksgiving Point (all the proceeds benefit a home for young men and young women with special needs, and the academy trains those living there with life skills needed to have independence) and there is so much work that goes into this wonderful event. So here's how our first time at the Scarecrow Festival:

See theses cute bunnies? Harmless, right? Well not if you are an eight month old named Collin. They somehow manage to spring fear into the heart with their cute little hopping and the babies snuggling with their Moms.

And heaven forbid we near the horses/goats. The horses I get: they are huge! But we even tried to near the mini goats, which are smaller than our dog Skip at home.

Not sure why the animals sprung such fear in Collin. Go figure. Even the little chickens were terrifying, and yet Daddy kept trying animal after animal to try and make Collin happy. Sooooo not happening this day. We even tried just taking a break from the animals and trying out the little kids village with miniature houses and shops. Not a fan of that either.

We did find some things that Collin liked. He was a pretty good sport about getting his face painted (either that or the gal that did the face painting was an EXCELLENT baby wrangler.)
We started with Mike holding Collin. That did not seem to work.

So we switched places, and Collin seemed to like that a bit better. Either the separation anxiety was less with me holding Collin or Mike is just the funnier of the two of us, but he seemed to cooperate and let the girl do her work.


It was such a cute little ghost. I will admit, the face painting was more for our benefit. I think it is strange when you lose a child, or when it takes a long time to bring a child into the world. The little things you always look forward to experiencing with your child are the little things you really miss out on. Hence the face painting. But the experience was a lot of fun! And Collin is such a little cutie.


We were pretty hungry after everything, so we went to sit down and grab a small bite to eat. Collin was really being a good sport about the lack of an afternoon nap. He was just being so cute and sweet.

While we were eating, a highway patrol helicopter landed in the field next to where we were eating. If you know Mike at all, you would know that Mike loves anything to do with the police, fire departments, and ambulances (he is somewhat of an ambulance chaser!)

So imagine Mike's delight when he discovered that he could climb into the highway patrol helicopter. Mike after-all is a kid-at-heart. It was neat to see a helicopter up-close.

There was also a pumpkin patch. Growing up, our family would ALWAYS get our pumpkins from a pumpkin patch. Mike's idea of going to pick a pumpkin is going to a local grocery store and picking one out from the front of the store. This beauty is our beloved pumpkin. I am a big fan of cute and unique pumpkins, and since this pumpkin is short and stout (just like me!): I fell in love with it's personality.
We took a few pictures with the pumpkins. Here's Collin and I:

And than of course a picture with our little family:
We really had a fun time. And minus the obnoxious bees (side not here: I am TERRIFIED of bees, after stepping on a yellow jacket nest when I was 8 and being stung 14 times!) it was really a lot fun.

Collin makes us so happy, and we could not love him more. The only thing left now is a nap, which Collin seems to have down pat. Awww... a perfect day!!!

My Body Bootcamp

I am starting to wonder if people think I am failing the body boot-camp. I am not. I may have only lost about 6 pounds, but I am trimming inches off week after week. It is a slow and gradual change, but I think when you go this route, it stays off. It is decision after decision, changing how I think about food. This does not change how I feel about food (what can I say, I love food!) but I am more and more conscientious about what I put in my mouth. I still feel like I should still live a little, but a little would be the key word here!!! I have lost 2 inches off my hips, about 3 off my waist, a total of 2 1/2 off my neck, 2 1/4 off my thighs, and have chiseled my calves down too. My arms are shrinking too, but I do not remember the number. Some people may not agree that inches can come off before the weight starts to shed, but I can tell the difference in my clothing. A huge thing for me is going to Target (who notoriously runs small, where in most stores I wear a large to x-large, in Target I wear an xx-large!) and being able to fit into the XL pants. I think the area I would really like to see a difference is my thighs and booty, where I carry most of my weight. Anyways, I appreciate the continues support. I am learning to enjoy the achievement of finishing exercises each time. I am even beginning to enjoy a little bit of jogging! Shocking, I know.

On another note, still have not heard what is going to happen with finalization. It stinks having no control, but what can you do? We just love every moment with him, and love when he busts up laughing (a sound EVERYONE should here because you cannot help but smile!) I will have to get a video of it, because it really is too cute!

Come One and All

This little miracle is Kaidence. She was next-door neighbors to Ryker nearly the entire seven weeks he was alive. She is truly a miracle to be hear today. You can visit her blog HERE to learn about her remarkable journey. Until you are in the world of heart defects or in the place of needing an organ donation, it probably would not be something you would really consider. But once you are in the world of transplants and where you or your child are fighting for your life, you begin to fully understand the blessing and miracle of organ donation. She received the most amazing Christmas present in December 2007: the miracle of a heart. So if you would like to come and show your support (and register to become an organ donor) join sweet Kaidence and her family as they hold the first ever RUN WITH KAIDENCE FOR ORGAN DONATION

on October 24th!!!! Up top there is a link to register and to also find out more information about this amazing event!!!! Hope to see you there!!!

p.s. We are planning to finalize our adoption in the next week or two, but we are going to wait to have him sealed till November, when our dear families can all be there. But we will now be having Collin's baby blessing in our ward, hopefully in two weeks!

In Limbo

Being in limbo pretty much stinks. I am grateful that we do not have to fight for Collin, but many of you do not know what we went through in the beginning to bring him home. There were reasons we did not get him till he was 5 weeks, and what we have gone through to get him/keep him is pretty hard. Jumping through hoops is something I am not very good at. I am not sure when we will get to go to court. I know we will see our day, but it probably will not be in the time that we want. That said, this blog is for me to vent. I realize that we are not this amazing family, fighting a birth-father for their rights on their one year old (link over and read the words of this adoption giant, and look at her adorable Etsy store, where the proceeds of your purchase go to help with the legal cost of adoption for their little family!) but everyone has things they go through. We have been through Hell to say the least, and I simply am just asking for something to go as planned, something to be somewhat easy for once. I do not think that is too much to ask. I am so happy that we have awesome friends and family that realize we are not in control. We may even wait to have Collin sealed to us till November, when our amazing friends and family can be there. A lot of unknowns, and a lot of just going with the flow and realizing it is out of our hands. And I am okay with that. I know there is nothing we can do, so we are simply going to be happy and enjoy the days. Plus, when you are turning 26, how can you not be happy? Birthdays are awesome!

New Stress

We are kind of freaking out in our house. We are finding out that we may not be able to legally adopt Collin quite yet. It seems we do not have a court date for finalization, and it just seems like whatever we try to plan seems to fall through (I realize that so is life!) This is just very frustrating. We have family coming from out of town, and have the building reserved and the temple booked. I'm not sure what will happen, but I think we need some prayers. Prayers that we will find the window to see our day in court, and prayers that some hearts will be softened so that we can finalize and make Collin legally and spiritually ours. I know about patience, and I am willing to wait as I have already, but it is time. It's time to have our day and make it all happen (hopefully with those we love surrounding us!)

Struggling

When I started this blog, it was all about being honest and sharing the good and bad. I hope that for the good majority of the time I share the good, but the hard times need to be shared too. It is very therapeutic to share my feelings. I am really struggling right now. I know a lot of it is hormones, but I also know that this month is really hard. I miss Ryker and Lilly. I miss seeing them, I miss Lilly's sweet Celestial spirit. I miss seeing Ryker hitting milestones and seeing him fight so valiantly. I'm not sure if a lot of this is brought on by having Collin as part of our family and seeing things that he is doing and really starting to realize the things we never got to see Lilly and Ryker do. It is equally hard to have family that seem to not even want to understand where I am right now, that they simply want to label me crazy and suggest that I get anxiety meds and therapy (a note, I am all for therapy, and I know when I get to the point to where I need to talk someone outside of my family/friends group, I just do not like being told by others who do not know my feelings emotions to suggest meds and therapy without knowing where I am right now.) Grieving is part of life, most especially when you have the loss of a child. I feel like I have every right to mourn. I just guessed I would be understood by those closest to me about my need to feel the emotions of grief: anger, denial, sadness, accepting, bargaining, hope. You do not necessarily go through one stage before you go through another. And there are times you will take steps back before you will go forward. In talking to other parents who have lost a child, they also have those times that the grief hits and they have to take steps back before they can move on. I have my good days, but right now I am just having some really hard moments in those days. I know I will get through everything. And I know that in feeling those moments of grief, it just shows that I have loved.

October

First~I have to give a shout-out to my sister. It is her birthday today, and I just wanted to express my gratitude for having her as my big-sister. We love her and could not be the family we are were it not for her!!! So happy-happy birthday sister dear!

This is my favorite time of year. I love the leaves changing, I love the smells, I love the wind blowing leaves. I love the yummy apples, the gorgeous pumpkins, and the cute Halloween decorations. But it seems like it is a love/hate relationship now. October 18th, 2006 changed this month for me. October 27th, 2007 changed it again. I love my babies. And I love celebrating their days. I just wish that they could be there, helping us celebrate their birthdays. Lilly would have been 3 on the Sunday the 18th. She would be starting Sunbeams in January and preschool anytime. Ryker would have been two. Lilly's birthday is one week after mine. That's right: my birthday is one week from this Sunday, which means two weeks from tomorrow is Collin's sealing. I should be excited, and I am. But I am feeling the pangs of hurt and anger. I think there are so many people who just expect us to be happy, expect me to be happy since we have Collin. Yes Collin makes us so happy, and we could not imagine life without him, but it still will not ever take away the pain of losing Lilly and Ryker. I miss them. I miss holding them, I miss celebrating birthdays with them. I hate celebrating birthdays without them. I know things happened for a reason, reasons I am still understanding. I know we will be okay, I think those close to me are just going to have to be a little extra patient and understanding. Just simply a hard time of year.