Some of My Favorite Things

I have been browsing the internet lately,  finding some REALLY cool baby items that I wish I had or had known about the first go around. So hence my keyboard has needed some drool wiped off. I wish I were Oprah, or just even a really cool blogger so that I could give the items away. But since we are doing the whole fun school thing, these will be wishes.

My first favorite is the coolest baby bathtub I have ever seen. I want one and wish I had known about it long before I bought my big bulky bath tub (although cute) from Fisher Price. Mine takes up a ton of space. You have to click on the link and watch the short clip. I do not think I would ever buy another bath tub again (we are using the one from when Collin was a wee one!) Here is the link. It is called a Puj Baby Bath Tub.

I think that as a parent your first child is sadly the experimental child. So naturally there were some things we did with Collin that worked and some things that did not. One of the hardest parts of being a mom to two little boys is trying to have a free arm/hand (or even two!) so that I can bond with my boys and get things done around the house. Because having Collin is like living with an adorable dimpled tornado, and the after math is UGLY! So I finally broke down and got a sling. It is so amazing to be able to cuddle Jacob while spending time with Collin or picking up.

This can be worn with an infant, an older baby in front or at the hip, and even on the back (once babe is stronger and bigger.) I have done a lot of reading and I find myself agreeing with a lot of Dr. Sears ideas. I think that someday when we have our fifth (still get a kick out of saying I have four children and am only 27!) that I will be an even better mommy. This is the Comfy Joey Sling, and I got it for a steal!

My third and final item is an idea I love. And although I think that this is a genius idea, the price is a little steep for me right now. But if I ever had $10-20 to blow, it might be this way. As a mom, I am ever worried about the way I interact with the environment. And I know how wasteful plastic baggies are. So in comes this genius idea. These are Itzy Ritzy lunch bags. These bags have a fabric out layer and a PVC free and soft BPA free inner lining. They are FDA approved bag for snacks, fruit, sandwiches, school lunches, mini first aid kits, electronics, toiletries & more, and are also machine washable. I think that when Collin starts school, these will something we will need to invest in, because like I said, plastic baggies are wasteful and end up costing quite a bit in the end.

As for an update on my little family, I will be posting soon some pictures of Christmas and the fun we had enjoying our sweet little family. Jacob is 10 1/2 pounds, and although kind of tiny for a two month old, is just perfect for a baby born 4 weeks early with a heart condition. He is spot on with everything when we go by his due date. So until than, so long! (Can you tell I have been watching The Sound of Music???)

I know, I've Been Away.

My heart has not been in blogging. I have been spending my days with my boys, enjoying the holiday season and making memories with them.. Ryker passed away three years ago yesterday. What started as such a glorious and wonderful day quickly turned to something only nightmares hold, but than turned back to one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. This is not for the faint of heart, as most of these pictures are after Ryker has passed.

We went up to Primary's in the hope of having Ryker's breathing tube removed, a step necessary to bring our baby home. And as I sit and type this, I stare over at my sleeping 8 week old and see so much of his brother in him. We were very hopeful that day, and Ryker did so well . Because I had gone back to work the night before he passed, I had to leave him about 40 minutes after he was extubated to eat and pump, although I never did pump again. I still remember feeling the need to get back to Ryker's side and forgoing comfort for a little while to be by his side. I remember talking with our friends (and actually distant cousins 4 generations back) that shared our same last name and also had a little boy with HLHS. I remember seeing the commotion of an intubation cart going by and a nurse telling us that he thought they were going to re-intubate Ryker. I remember standing outside Ryker's door, watching them place him back on the ventilator, crying tears of frustration that we were taking such a big step back. I remember watching the monitor, and seeing our son's normal oxygen saturation level of 75-85 drop, going down, down, down. I quickly picked up the phone, feeling inspired to call our parents to tell them to drive quickly up there, something did not seem right. I watched the monitor again as the numbers went to 70, then 65, 60, 55, 50 and holding at 45-50 for a while. I remember watching while nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and many others rushed around. I remember calling our parents again to plead to them to please please hurry up.

I remember making the phone call to my supervisor at work, telling her that I would not be coming into work that night. I remember her asking me if everything was all right, and telling her that no, I think we were losing our little boy and hearing her sob into the phone. I now remember a sweet friend from work oblivious to what we were going through right than calling to see how everything was and telling her that I thought we were going to have to say goodbye to our son. And at this point, my heart broke. I watched a tech pull the crash cart up to his room, and when I peeked into the room and saw them doing chest compressions. I cried out, right there in the middle of the PICU, "No! Why? Why???" And I remember the kindness of another heart mom bringing me soft tissues and hugging me. It blurs than. I know our parents arrived. I know we talked to many doctors and nurses. My next memory is of seeing the ECMO machine wheeled down to our tiny son's room, with the ECMO tech standing by to help save our son's life. I remember looking again at the monitor and seeing 19-20 % for our baby's saturations. I remember Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Yetman coming to talk to us, telling us that they did know why this was happening, but that it was. And I remember Dr. Hawkins asking us if we wanted him to try to place our son on ECMO, and Mike and I, without a word to each other, telling him no. We were going to be saying goodbye to our son.

I remember them placing a butterfly sign outside our room. I remember that dear heart mom taking her CD player and placing it in our room with children's hymns playing so sweetly. I recall most of our siblings arriving, as we lovingly removed unnecessary lines and had our sweet son blessed, blessed with a name and blessed to be released from his earthly mission that he so valiantly fought.

I remember them putting two rocking chairs in the room, and asking them to switch them for a small couch, so that our infant son could be held by his mom and dad when he passed. And than telling the doctor to stop the epinephrine, and than cleaning up my baby and wrapping him in a blanket. I sat down with Mike, as the nurse brought our baby to our arms. I told him how proud I was of him, how grateful I was to be his mom. I kissed his head, as his dad told him of our love and admiration for him. We kissed him goodbye, and our hearts again broke. He was gone. Our family took turns holding him. I remember standing by his bed when I felt Ryker's spirit return to the room. Ryker was no longer constricted to the bands of his broken body. And I remember recognizing that it was not the spirit of an infant, but that of a young man and being grateful for that. 

We held and loved our sweet boy, and after a while we knew it was time to go, to say goodbye. That was one of the hardest things I have done, leaving my baby for the nurse to wash and take to the morgue. Right up there with driving Lilly to the funeral home and leaving her. 

It is interesting writing this. It is painful and therapeutic, and so many memories of Ryker's life mesh with Jacob's. We were healed a bit in having Jacob. We had many of those who took care of Ryker take care of Jacob. The ECMO tech worked in the bedside beside Jacob many days we were there on a sick little newborn girl. I asked him if he remembered us. He said he did. 

Collin gave us the hope necessary to live, to learn to love and trust again. Jacob has healed our broken hearts, has helped to make that emptiness not so empty. When you lose a child, you lose piece of your heart. Our two children since have made our hearts larger, and pushed a little bit of that empty space closed. It will always be there, for we have loved and had to say goodbye. May we live a life that would be pleasing to our sweet angel children is our hope. 

We are blessing Jacob this Sunday. Ironically, it is the three year mark of Ryker's funeral. And we will again be in our church, but this time for something much more joyous. We miss you Ryker. And we miss you Lilly. We are grateful to have had you the short while we were able to have you. We love you but we know that when we meet again someday, how sweet the reunion will be.

Our One Month Old and Twenty-One Month Old

Can you believe how fast time is flying??? My little boys are growing, far to fast for my liking. Jacob turned 1 month on the 20th and Collin turned 21 months on the 22nd. We are still adjusting, although I think a lot of our the adjusting may have something to do with trying to adjust to an almost 2 year old while being slightly sleep deprived. Collin is just a little sponge. He learns words I did not even know he had heard. His newest word is "med-sin" which is what he says when he wants him gummy vitamin. He still loves Buzz Lightyear, and it is the word he uses for tv, movies, and his sippy cups. Although not a whole lot of Toy Story has been watched since he takes movies out of the DVD player and misplaces them. He loves to help with Jacob. He was helping me give Jake a bath this afternoon. He hates to watch him have his diaper changed, he always says "ohhh, ohhh, Jakie." We are quick to assure him all is well. Collin is getting more and more independent, something that is hard for both parties. We stay home a lot, just because the strive for independence warrants a lot of tantrums. And boy can he throw them with the best of them. But I know with time, this will get better.

Jacob is growing. He does not speak or do anything really amazing, he is just cute, and sweet, and cuddly. He still is very much in the newborn stage, something I love and will soon miss. When I see his cousin, it makes me sad because I know my little baby will soon be out of the snuggly newborn stage, and will be quickly into the discovering the world stage. Jacob has his good nights and bad nights. I go back to work in two weeks, and I am hoping he will continue to move towards sleeping longer. Much of the night I hold him either on my chest or in my arms. I love holding him, and I know he will only be little for such a short time, so truly I will let him be little for awhile.  The monkey is one from when he was at Primary's. It is a build-a-bear monkey and it even makes sounds. I think it is cute to take a picture each month with the monkey to see how he is growing. He still has tons of blond curly hair, and it is growing longer and is still so curly and cute. I just love to hold him against me with his soft tufts of hair. We go into the doctor in a week and half for the RSV vaccine, so I will find out how much he weighs. I know he is growing, because his newborn clothes are getting to small, both in length and width. Anyways, I need to get to sleep. I just want to wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for so much in my life, but very grateful to be able to go to bed, knowing my guys are all safely in bed and under the same roof. What miracles we have blessed with.

Loving Life

As I write this post, my sweet one month old (that's right, he was one month yesterday!) sleeps on my chest, while my 21 month old naps in the other room. I am tired, but being able to sleep from 12:20 am until 6:20 am (only because Jacob slept his first night through!!!)  truly helped my overall lack of sleep, (and makes me a nicer person too!) We have been slightly more adventurous this week, and actually stepped out of the house a couple of times. I took the boys to Target (had to buy baby diapers) and that experience made me want to stay in for forever. Jacob slept in his covered carseat, while Collin was his usual mischievous almost-two-year-old self. He even climbed out of the cart and bonked his head. A bunch of other moms smiled and came over to lend emotional support. It made me decide to wait until Mike came home to venture out again with the two boys.

Mike on the left, our nephew Ryan in the middle with his Dad, Jason.

And we stopped by the cousin's house so that Jacob and his cute cousin Ryan could meet. These two were due about 2 months apart from each other (their Dads are identical twins!) Jake is so tiny in comparison. I hope my little guy can chunk up, but than again he was born at 36 weeks and after having heart surgery, a lot of his calories were being utilized to heal, so it took until 3 weeks to get him back up to his 7 lb birth weight. I think he currently weighs between 8 and 9 pounds, but I am just guessing.

We also attended our niece and nephew's first birthday party a few weeks ago. I tell their mom they should be baby models, because they are so cute. They have golden curly locks of hair, bright blue eyes, and are perfectly chubby! But you can judge for yourselves:

And I even got to have some sister time. Yep, I was one of those crazies who saw Harry Potter at 12 am and it was 100% worth it! The movie was amazing and I did not even get tired once (although I am usually awake parts of the night anyways.) So the pictures I took look horrid, because sadly I need a serious pick-me-up with my hair and clothing, so sorry, I will not be sharing any from the premiere. There were some people in pretty funny and outrageous costumes, and a million or so teenagers. But it was so nice to have some fun, some yummy snacks an treats, and to be in the company of my fun sisters!!!

My three other pictures are three of my favorites. My talented friend came and took some newborn pictures for us. I love how angelic Jacob looks, because he seriously is so sweet and just loves to be loved on and snuggled. And we have had a breakthrough this week: Collin loves his little brother!!! He likes to "hold" him, loves to give him kisses, loves to cover him with whatever blanket there is lying around, and also loves to shove his sippy cup into Jake's mouth to share (how nice, huh?) The third pose is Jacob's favorite way to live, held, loved, and cuddled. He is the snuggliest little guy, and we love it!

Well, that is about it for an update. I will be busy this week cleaning, baking and cooking, and decorating for Christmas!!!! I love being home this week and am glad Mike will be home part of the week with us!!!

Got Milk???

We had awesome success with this in the past, and are hoping to have success again with this request. A little TMI, but because of a breast reduction when I was 19, I do not make a lot of milk. And I have worked with lactation consultants, but being able to wholly supply milk for Jacob is something I can not physically do, especially with him eating more and more. So I am looking for some milk mommas to help out. I could begin to explain the benefits of breast milk, but just pure ans simply it is better for him, 100% better, and we are looking for donations. My e-mail is littleforeverfamily@gmail.com, or you can just leave a comment since all comments are moderated, they will only be seen by me. We will of course cover milk bags so please just let us know if you could help!!!

Cardiology and a Circumcision from Heck

Jacob has spent 4 of the 5 days this week seeing his doctors. We had weight checks, cardiology, and a horrible circumcision. We were nervous about Jacob gaining weight, since we pulled his feeding tube. Well, he is gaining about an ounce to two ounces a day, and so no more weight checks. Cardiology was another great appointment. Jacob had an x-ray, and there was still no fluid (yeah!!!) His murmur is gone, the EKG looked great, and cardiology felt like he is doing perfectly. We go back in two months, but I do not anticipate anything coming up, although you just never know with our family.
We also had Jacob circumcised this week. This was a decision we debated heavily about. Especially where he has already been through so much. So I was so nervous to take him in. I work on a mom/baby floor, and assist all the time with circs. So I anticipated this would not be any different from the hundreds and hundreds I have seen/assisted with and on. But there are always risks. My poor little babe would not stop crying last night, so I checked the circ and actually started crying myself. It was swollen to about 5 times what it should be, and the color was horrible (with a color mix of blue and green.)

I freaked out and called the doc on call. We went in about an hour later. I was hoping I was just being a crazy new mom, but when the doctor looked at it he could not believe how bad it looked. He sent a picture up to Primary's urologist and they said it looked bad, but not to do anything and just have us follow up with our ped today. Well this morning, when I opened Jake's diaper, the piece of plastic and string that were supposed to make a clean circumcision had fallen off, 5-6 days to early. We took him back in, and our doctor was just shaking his head. He was Mike's pediatrician and he said that never in the 30 years that he has been practicing has he seen this happen. He called urology, and sent some pictures. The urologist had only seen this happen twice before, and she said we would have to wait a month to re-evaluate as to what will need to happen. She said it should be fine, but to just watch it. It is ironic to me since I have never seen any problems like this and than this happens with my own son.

Hopefully he will heal, and not slip back into his sad little self. You never want your kids to experience pain, and the 4 + hours of crying broke my heart. This kid did not even need anything besides Tylenol after his heart surgery, and so I know it had to really be hurting him to have him crying. Anyways, I need to sign off and go fold laundry. Would someone please give me some advice on how to keep up with all the laundry? How does someone so small add so much to the laundry pile?! And also, advice on how to keep a house semi clean would be helpful. I just need tips on what worked.

Jake and Jake

As most of you know, it was very difficult to name this little baby. In the end, we teetered between Jacob and Oliver, and actually he was Oliver for a little while. The main reason we decided to name Jacob Jacob was  because of my brother Jacob. He is a soldier, serving in Aghanistan. And I honestly could not think of a better story to be able to tell Jacob someday of why he has the name he has. To be named after someone who loved and served their country, not to mention one of the kindest-hearted people that I know. He was always the sweet, peaceful brother, and for anyone who knows Collin, we need a peaceful little guy. 

Well tonight, we were able to welcome home my brother Jacob. He is home for two weeks, and it was wonderful to me able to see him. And he was able to meet and hold his little name sake.

 

I love how cute these two are, and love even more that little Jacob smiled while his uncle Jake was holing him.

We pulled his feeding tube today. He is eating really well, and does better and better each day. I am hoping to see that he continues to put on weight. It was hard to pull our safety net. We are keeping track of the feedings still, and I know that if he needs it, we can always put it back in. So crossing our fingers that he continues to do well with feeds, and that he continues to gain weight. I might take him in on Monday and weigh him, to see how he is doing. I know it is not completely necessary, but I know it will ease or worries about how he is doing. I guess you never get over the new baby worries.

We see cardiology this week, and Jacob has another doctors appointment the day after. I do not foresee any issues, just need him to continue to gain weight. We love his little sweetness, love the smiles, and love seeing Collin and Jacob connect more and more as brothers. Some moments are hard, but we just try to make Collin feel important and know that this will get better with time. 

Adjusting

 You would think I would take a gazillion pictures since being home, but honestly between pumping, Collin, Jacob, and trying to survive each day, a lot of life has gotten pushed to the back burner (and sadly pictures/blogging/etc were what we pushed back!) It was wonderful to be able to leave the hospital, although there was still a little guilt in leaving some friends there. 

We got Jacob bathed (had to take pictures of his little golden curly locks)
and dressed to go home. 

After all the paperwork was completed, we got out of the little house on the hill. We came home on Sunday (late afternoon) with just a feeding tube and oxygen. It was neat to come home on Halloween, because it is the three year mark of Ryker having his open heart surgery. Also, we bought a little outfit for Jacob, and prayed he would be able to wear it. I know it was silly, but I kept thinking "if he is able to wear this, it means everything will be all right." Because to me, it meant he would be healthy. I know, it does not make a lot of sense, but it was just a miracle to go home.

 I will have to put him in the outfit again and take a picture because this was the only picture I took of going home since the camera was accidentally packed away. After getting a little settled, Mike left to get Collin and have some family dinner, sans Jacob and I (it was really nice to rest.) Collin is pretty indifferent towards Jacob, but seems to be warming up to him. 

He thinks it is pretty funny when Jacob is ready to eat and sticks out his tongue.

It is funny, because people think that the hard part of being home is Jacob. And really, Jacob does not really cry, is pretty peaceful, and really just wants fed, love, and sleep. Collin on the other hand, is nearing the terrible twos, along with feeling and dealing with a definite adjustment in his world. He is throwing more tantrums, screaming at the top of his lungs, and just having a rough time. That is probably the hardest part of all of this, and I am praying it will get better. So any tips would be appreciated, or just telling me it will get better will grant me an ounce of sanity.

You are probably wondering what this is. This little thing (there is a better picture two below) is what popped out after they delivered Jacob. Ironically, the doctor that pulled this out also has the name of Jacob and may or may not have swayed our decision in naming Jacob. We told the docs that whoever found the shunt would win a prize, and what better prize than having a baby named after you (well we let him think that at least!)

The shunt that was placed in Jacob's chest while in-utero.

You can imagine why this would be so painful to have placed, as it is big, and why Jacob yanked it out (I do not blame him one bit.) But this little piece of plastic with the metal tips truly is the reason we have our little miracle. Were it not for this, I am not sure Jacob would be here today.

These are Jacob's two week pictures. His little umbilical cord came off, and so he was able to get his first sort of bath (we still can not let him soak in the water since we want his incision to heal. something I will have to take pictures of after his next bath.) He is just sweet, loves to be held and really such a good baby. I know it may not last, but I am just enjoying our little miracle and his strong sweet spirit. 

Off to bed now. Love the sleep.