A Mix of Emotions

I love being pregnant. Truly I do. I do tend to be a bit more passionate about things, which has definite pluses and minuses. One moment I am blissfully happy, the next moment I am mad. Than I am sad for being mad, than I cry, and than I am happy again. I am scared and anxious, 

on so many levels. 

Yesterday, I had a hard day. I am not sure what it exactly was, but it was just a really hard day. I think some of it may have had something to do with feeling a little angry that so many women seem to have such effortless pregnancies and healthy babies without even a thought to worrying about seeing their child make it to his or her first birthday. And than I begin to feel bad for being angry about healthy babies, because really, I would never want anyone to face the Hell of having a child with a serious medical condition. And than I am anxious because I wish that I could have some control as to the outcome of this pregnancy and this baby. And than I begin to really hope that this baby will be born healthy, and than begin to think about how much will change before  this baby comes (bigger house, someone to help tend to little ones during school or work, Collin no longer being an only child in our home, two car seats, two kids in diapers, etc.) 

But than I realize that with twice the work comes twice the blessings and twice the fun. 

Collin, besides the screaming behavior, really is such an easy going and loving kid.  When I walk in after a long day at work and he puts up his arms and says "mama" and smiles, my heart melts that he is ours. It is very difficult being a mother. Many may not feel that way, or at least many not openly express that feeling, but life truly changes dramatically when you bring a baby into your home. It is definitely a good change, but change none-the-less. 

I am grateful Mike and I spent were able to spend about 4 years as just us.  It made us stronger. It will make it that much easier when our kids grow up and move away and becomes just us again. Sometimes I long for a morning to sleep in, to be able to rest when my body is tired and sick. But than I go and get that cute smiley boy up, and count my blessings. I am not sure this post has made any sense. I guess what I am just trying to say is that I am grateful for Collin, grateful for this little baby-bean (who now everyday changes as to whether it is going to be a boy or girl), grateful for the hope he or she will bring into our family, grateful for a wonderful, supportive, and loving husband. Just really grateful for these happy moments.

*I go to Maternal Fetal Medicine on the 16th of April. I think I have an OBGYN appointment that same week before the appointment, but really we are just waiting for this little one to grow and mature till we can see more. I will be having a procedure called a CVS about a week or two after that, which will actually tell us also if this little bean will be a he, a she, or something in between. Will be excited simply for a healthy baby.

Crazy Dreams

I grew up one of seven kids. My maiden name is Vallen. If you know a Vallen, there are pretty much undourbtedly related immediately to me because our last name is so uncommon. All seven kids look a lot of like. Some more than others. We may all look alike, but our personalities are very different. But one thing that we seem to share are crazy dreams. I remember all to well waking up in the middle of the night because one of my brothers was sleep walking (or sleep rocking in my brother Ben's case) or hearing the crazy stories from another brother who witnessed the crazy sleep behavior. This is something that we have not grown out of. For example. my sister in law posted as her Facebook status this just last week:

I was woken up last night to having Ben spit in my face. When I asked him what in the HECK he was doing, he told me that he was trying to get the buffalo out of the kitchen. Ben would like me to let everyone know that he was spitting/hissing like a snake at the buffalo because it was supposed to scare it out of the kitchen....

My other sister-in-law posted a response underneath:  "Jamie has never woken me up to tell me that the news reporter from Family Guy is standing next to me.. nope never happened..."

See people??? I truly am not lying.Your probably wondering where I am going with this. Well as you may or may not know, when you are pregnant, for some reason dealing with hormones (because that is where it always seems to lead back to, right?) you have much more vivid dreams. This is just not a good mix with my genes of course. And the funny thing is, you remember the dreams as well!!! Poor Mike. It is too bad I cannot take Ambien right now (it is not known if it causes harm to human fetuses so it becomes a no-deal for me!) because it means that I am in more of an awake state of sleeping. My personal two funniest are one that was acted out, and one that I just remember.

My vivid dream was getting a call from my insurance. They were calling to let me know that our policy was different, that they now did c-sections elsewhere than the hospital and than you were transferred to the hospital (folllowing me?) I had two options of where I could deliver: Applebee's or Chili's (I personally went with Chili's because I love their chips and salsa!) So I had my c-section there, where I delivered a little girl named Sophie, and after we went to the hospital. Not sure what that one was all about.

I did have chocolate before bed, it might explain a lot. 

The dream that was pretty funny happened the night before the last dream. I went to bed late (stayed up reading:) and had to force myself to sleep. I did not remember what happened until the morning. Mike told me I was crazy in my sleep. I laughed at him, but than remembered what happened. In my dream, I was organizing baby clothes according to size. I was almost done except for a few that Mike happened to be hiding. I kept trying to find out what size the clothes were that he was hiding, but in real life was trying to take his pillow to "check the tag for the size." I do remember him going "Em, stop it, go back to sleep" and truly trying to rationalize with a very irrational person. I laughed, so did he, and so did everyone that he told. Anyone else have crazy sleepers in their life? Makes for some funny laughs!!! 

*Off topic here and totally unrelated, there was only ONE baby last week in the ultrasound, which brings a huge sigh of relief to this girl!!!

Thank Heavens for Little Boys

A one year old is truly an excellent distraction for the anxieties and worries about this little baby. Collin keeps us busy chasing him around and laughing at his little-boy antics. Who knew a one-year old could find so much to destroy and demolish??? We can not find out new camera (truly praying it will show itself again soon) so I do not have photo-proof of the next story. I was home Thursday, laying on the couch trying to fight off "afternoon sickness" when I noticed the house was VERY quiet. So I naturally jump off the couch and go running into the other room. Have I mentioned lately that Collin is growing too quickly and is able to reach places previously he was not able to??? Well yeah, Collin was able to reach an open container of sour cream, and had invited the dog to help him eat and smother the contents of the sour cream container over everything. When I glimpsed him, Collin's face was covered in white sour cream, his hair was covered, his clothing, and the surrounding other items that he had also manged to pull down were covered too. I screamed, just shocked, and Collin started bawling. The scream turned to laughter, cause what really can you do but laugh??? I lifted him up and into the bath  (he would take a bath ALL DAY if he could.) It was pretty funny, and thank heavens for the dog, because besides Collin, clean-up was minimal!!!

Mike, Collin, and I on the train at the Zoo

The days Mike and I both have off together are few and far between. The days we are both off and Mike does not have school are even fewer and far between. So when we had a chance to spend the day at the zoo (well as long as you can at the Salt Lake Zoo with a 1 year old and two tired parents) we jumped on the chance. It was a really fun day! We got there a little before 11 (can I just tell you how well I have that route perfected? It is on the way to Primary's, just about a mile away from there!) and started with the train. It was a lot of fun. Collin loved it (except for the part where you get close to the buffalo because he may or may not have cried!) He loved the train whistle and was cute to watch as he pointed to things that he found interesting. We than started to roam the park. He loved having Mike hold him (we brought the stroller but this kid loves to get up close to the animals!) and looking at the different animals.

He loved the monkeys. They have quite a few different exhibits of monkeys, and he thought they were pretty funny. The last time we took him around animals was to the petting farm at Thanksgiving point and since pictures paint a thousand words, we will just show a picture of what Collin thought of the animals the last time:

So we were a little worried how the zoo would go, but he loved it. He was just so fascinated by all the different animals, if all shapes and sizes. When Collin went the first time to the zoo, he was only 4 months old. He really did not care about the animals, and slept through a lot of the visit. And the little baby pictured below was not there, this poor Momma Elephant was in her 21st month of pregnancy with little Zuri.

Collin thought the cute elephant and Momma were just so neat. He did not take his eyes off of them the whole time we were at the Elephant Encounter. Zuri was just so cute, and although little, weighs in way more than I have ever been. She was cute, running around and chasing balls and toys while staying close to Momma.

If you know my husband, you know that he is a kid at heart. At every photo-op place around the zoo he wanted me to take a picture (funny note here, the camera truly does not love me because besides the one shot at the top, it did not save any of the other pictures!)so I happily obliged his cute inner-child!!!

This is probably my favorite picture of these two.

 Funny enough, this Turkey wanted to hang out with us. Not really, it pretty much hated us, hated our presence. It constantly had it's feathers up and would hiss and spit at us. Who knew turkeys could spit??? We were not the nicest, you know, simply walking up and merely admiring the bird with our threatening little one year old ad stroller. We should have wanted posters or something for our behavior. Yeah, we moved away once it was made known our presence was not appreciated.

Another first for Collin was the carousel. It was his first time riding, and it was a lot of fun!!! Mike held Collin during the ride (apparently the carousel is for big kids too because we both rode) and Collin had a lot of fun. He loved watching the animals go up and down and up and down. I know he will have a lot of fun this summer going to the carnivals and fairs. All in all, it was a good day. The one fast story is about the gift shop. As a kid, my parents were always too poor to buy presents for all seven of the kids in my family when we went to the zoo or a theme park. So it has been fun getting little things for Collin when we have gone places. We went into the Zootique to get Collin a little toy. We decided to let him pick, by giving him different ones to hug, and than putting the two up and seeing which one he picked. Well, this kid is truly related to Mike's side of the family. Time after time, we would offer him bigger and more expensive stuffed animals, and he would consistently choose the cheaper one every time. Just shows more expensive apparently is not always better.

Amazing Doctors

Have I ever told you that those I see on a medical basis are amazing. My family practice doctor, my OBGYN, our really marvelous pediatrician, and our perinatologist. Mike and I went into the appointment nervous. The ultrasound technician took us back and tried to do an abdominal ultrasound. They could see the gestational sac, but nothing more. So she went and talked to Dr. Schemmer to see if he wanted her to do another ultrasound (and not the kind where they scan through the abdomen, if you get what I mean.) He came back with her. It truly was great to see him. We exchanged all the pleasantries and he asked about our little Collin and how excited he was for us. He talked about this little one, and his true hope that he/she would be healthy. The tech Cami scanned, while Dr. Schemmer watched the monitor with Mike and I. He pointed out what we were seeing: the gestational sac, the yolk sac, the fetal pole, and even the small flicker. The flicker is an excellent sign, because it means that the start of the heart is there (just not formed and beating like it will in a few weeks!)  He felt really good about what we were seeing, and just was really hopeful. Once I got cleaned up, we went back to his office and talked. He just told us how much he and the genetic counselor Becky really want this for us, to have a healthy and normal little baby. We talked the logistics, and the stats and possibilities. We discussed the testing that we could have, and the different steps they can take to ease the anxiety. He was really patient, so kind, and so hopeful. He wanted us to come back in two weeks, but when looking at the calendar, he realized he would be out of town. He offered to have us come next week, but we told him how about in three weeks. We set the date, and made sure that it was scheduled on a day Becky could be there too (but unfortunately a day I work again.) We will go back after that in about 2-3 weeks for some scans and testing. He said he will do an ultrasound at 16 weeks, really looking to see if there is a brain, a 4-chambered heart, and to help ease our anxiety. He will than be willing to look again at 18 weeks, but I think we will wait and go at 20 weeks for the complete full-scan and detailed ultrasound. He offered for us to come as often as needed, and to do as many scans as needed. He said he will send me to Cardiology between 22-24 weeks, and we will go from there. He walked us out, and actually hugged us. Some doctors think they are God, think they know everything and have the power to do anything. Dr. Schemmer is just humble, very personable, but also very smart (I think he had somewhere between 8-12 diplomas on his wall.) But when we commented about the wall, he said that all of those are not what important. He than pointed to a picture of his three beautiful boys, and said that on the hard days, that is the picture he looks at and takes courage. I know I am in good hands, and I know that Dr. Schemmer is going to take excellent care of us, as will Becky. Overall, really a good day. I am going to go and lay down, because really I am exhausted from today.

Bundle of Nerves for Tomorrow

I feel like I want to laugh, cry, scream, and cry some more. Not sure why, but the crying part has a lot to do with the anticipation, and just being really nervous. I know I am not that far along, and we will not be able to see the critical parts yet, but yet this appointment just seems to make this pregnancy that much more real, which gives me that much more anxiety about the the health of this little one, whom I already love so much. Anyways, just hope I can sleep tonight.............

Really Touched

 Just had to put in a few cute pictures to break up the words. This is my cute mother-in-law holding my really 

cute niece. Don't you love the cute headband (I may or may not have made it!!!)

I think a lot of people really felt like we were crazy in sharing the news of this pregnancy. This pregnancy already in so many ways reminds me of Lilly's and Ryker's. I found out I was pregnant with this little one March 11th. With Lilly, it was March 8th. With Ryker, it was March 13th with due dates of November 6th, 11th, and the 13th (I know what you are probably thinking right now, and I know, I know.) So you can imagine that having the same due dates nearly as Lilly and Ryker make me that much more of a vulnerable mess. I remember my sweet mother-in-law saying to me two years ago "well let's just not have another baby due that time of the year, that maybe changing the timing may change the outcome. I did not have much control over this. There was a higher plan. Lilly was a surprise (more for me than Mike) but at least somewhat expected. This baby is a major surprise, one we are excited for but still very much surprised. But the point is, that had we not shared the news, had we kept it a secret like most normal people do until they are at a "safer" point, we would not have the prayers and support like we do. The prayers and words buoy us up. I am convinced they are how we get through each day. A sweet friend of ours shared this quote, giving us hope for our little bean. It comes from a talk from the LDS General Conference that is held semi-annually. It is entitled Come What May and Love It by Elder Wirthlin and the words bring hope: “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss.  That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way.  While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” I cried at this. I know I am still going to be a mess, but I know this will help me get through, better, help us get through. There are so many feelings about this baby. I have hoped and prayed for years for a healthy child, and when that did not happen twice over, you really begin to doubt yourself. Doubt your body, and almost feel a sort of anger at it for failing you. I feel happy, I feel scared. I feel gratitude at being able to carry a child when so many long to be pregnant. For this same reason I feel sorrow and anguish for those battling infertility. I feel a sort of guilt for being pregnant, but than I remember the anguish of losing Lilly and Ryker. I truly feel gratitude to your comments, every sweet message, the e-mails and the little thoughts that help us get through this. 

 Our cute niece Gracie-girl!!! She was having fun!!!

So I simply want to say thank-you. Thank-you for the kind thoughts. Thanks to a loving Heavenly Father that knows my limitations, even though I do not always like the outcome. A dear friend and I were talking about loss. She lost her mother almost two years ago. We were discussing the peace that comes with adversity, when many feel like it is peace that things will be all right, when a lot of times it is peace to get simply get through. Sometimes the outcome may not be what you want or fought hard to get. I know this too well. So those prayers and kind thoughts buoy you up, get you through the hard times. I go to perinatology on Wednesday. I am hopeful. I do not know what will happen. I just really hope that like this talk, we will be blessed from the adversity our little family has faced. Anyways, I had best get to bed. Good-night!!!

A Little Bit of Good News

I went back to work today. I was very tired by the end, but grateful to have a job and grateful for a little bit of good news. While I was in the ER early Friday morning, they checked my HCG levels to see where they were. HCG levels can indicate miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, and whether the pregnancy is progressing. My level was 1500, and although it was not low, the doctor wanted to see it higher, to even see it double. Apparently I was supposed to wait till the full 48 hours (misunderstood that one) so that my number could truly double (Mike told me this after I had the test drawn, because in my defense, I was pretty snockered) so at about 29 hours, my number had pretty much doubled. It went from 1500 to 2940. I was pretty tickled!!! I am just glad that this little one is growing. I cannot wait for Wednesday. I cannot wait to map out a plan, and to see how this little one is developing. We get to meet with one of our favorite perinatologists Dr. S. He saw us through nearly every perinatology appointment with Ryker, and is very smart. Well, I had better get to bed. 

I have been exhausted and need some extra sleep!!!

Not a Fan of Morphine :)

Last night, as I was getting into bed, I had this weird pain. Now this 11 o'clock, I work in the morning at 6am, and I have already had my Ambien. The pain got worse and worse, until after an hour I could not stand it anymore. Mike called the OBGYN who told us that if was bad enough, to head over the ER. Thankfully my little brother and sister-in-law came over (with my cute niece Khloe who is three weeks almost) and sat with sleeping Collin while we headed to the ER. They drew blood, hooked up an IV, and gave me some morphine (DEFINITELY NOT my drug of choice!) They did an ultrasound of various organs, and even checked the view on the little gestational sac and yolk sac which hopefully next time will show the little bean or beanette in there with his or her heart beating! They checked my HCG level and although it was good, they still wanted a repeat to make sure it continues that way. So they came out with nothing conclusive, and we went home after 3 hours. Mike and I crashed, and he was sweet enough to wake up with Collin this morning (have I mentioned how much I love my hubby and how good he is too me???) So I woke up feeling like complete crap, and I feel like an onry narcoleptic because I will be sitting there and I will pass out unintentionally. I am pretty sure that somewhere in my sleep a MAc truck ran over me, backed up, and did it again because I feel like I have been run over and my head will not quit working. The plus to being home today is that the genetic counselor (Becky) called me to see how we were doing. That's right, to the lady who schedules the appointments, I truly am on a first name basis. :) The scheduler was telling Becky about my phone-call and our history when she stopped her midsentence and told the scheduler to get her our number that she was going to call us. We chatted, and she was so sweet and so supportive. She will not be there next Wednesday when we are supposed to go (another gal will be) but she just wanted to let us know that they understand how stressful and anxious we are, but that she was really excited for this. She also discussed some of the testing she wanted us to consider. One of them is a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) which checks for a whole slew of problems between weeks 10-12. They collect chorionic villus cells and biopsy them. Here is an excellent link explaining what CVS is and what in entails. I even watched one on You Tube, and it reminds me of the amniocentesis I have had, but different. The results come in more quickly than an amniocentesis and can tell if you have a child that has problems with chromosomes or a genetic disorder. Anyways, I am going to try and fall asleep now, since my night last night really did me in (cannot seem to get the ambien or the effects of the morphine out of my system. In writing this, I have dozed off several times. Thank-you everyone for your prayers and support. 

We feel the love and support and it really means a lot.

A Hard Day

Today just was not a good day for me. I think the gravity of being pregnant really set it. Sadly, it was the nurses that got the brunt of the breakdown.  I've truly begun to hate the statistics. I believe in God. I know he has a plan for our family. I am just not sure I will like the plan he has for our little family. I just know really that my family cannot begin to handle losing another niece or nephew. I went to see my OBGYN's partner so that I could get the referral I needed for Perinatology. The OB was really wonderful, (I work with him at the hospital) and he talked to me about the past and the possible chances of having another child born with the same problems as Lilly and Ryker. Our risks are lower with Lilly's Holoprosencephaly repeating itself, but the risk is still there and higher for us. And the risk of a heart defect is much higher. Dr. A was wonderful. He took the time to talk about my worries and the need for higher doses of Folic Acid. He said he felt that I definitely need to see the doctors at Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM), and to be seen as soon as I could. I could not have asked for better support from him. I genuinely felt like he cared and was concerned. He took me out to his nurse to get MFM on the phone and get something scheduled for us next week. She got on the phone to MFM, to the gal who does their scheduling. Dr. A's nurse said they would not let us come on Monday,  because we had to see the perinatology on a day that the genetic counselor (who we know really well) was going to be there, even though we probably were not even going to need to see her. She had nothing open on Tuesday (when I was available and not working), so she only had openings Wednesday and Fridays, when I work 12 hour shifts. Dr. A's nurse let me talk to the gal. I tried to explain that I needed my husband there, which only could happen on Monday, and that we are on a first-name basis with the genetic counselor (her name is Becky) and not only that, we met with Dr. Rope the geneticist for quite some time (I think the appointment took two hours) up at Primary's and knew the potential statistics that could give us problems. She said despite all of that, we still needed to be there when the geneticist would be available. She than asked the killer,"Why do you feel the rush to be seen?" I squelched back the tears. About all that I got out to her was that if she had gone through this, she might understand. I handed the phone back, just feeling the hot tears curse down my cheeks, burying my head into Collin. I knew that my words would no longer make sense, that I would be not be understandable soon, that it would do no good to speak any further. I realize I probably over-reacted, I also realize I have hormones raging through my body. But I also realize that without these little insignificant-to-most reassurances, I am going to be a mess. I sobbed on-and-off for hours. The reality is hitting me. I am scared. I am worried for this little one. I do not have the control. I have no say in what the outcome could be. Before my I was called back for the appointment, I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called back, looking around at women who's biggest worry was what items they would be registering for, and if it would be a boy or girl,who to tell first what the ultrasound results were.  I am not saying I do not think about whether this little one will be a boy or girl, I just wish that I did not have to worry about this baby making it to his or her first birthday. I just wish I could enjoy this time, and not stress. I know everyone stresses during a pregnancy, but prior to finding out about Lilly's problem, I was pretty oblivious to the world of things going wrong with your children. It just is something you never expect. I am a lot better than I was a few hours a go. I calmed down, I ate a little bit of In-and-Out (oh yes, a horrible decision I realize but very much needed.!) I hope I do not come off as unappreciative or ungrateful about being pregnant, I just know my limitations, and my families limitations with loss.So sorry about the hormonal vent. 

It really just feels good to get it off my chest.

What’s In a Name???

With Lilly and Ryker, their names came so easily. We went over many names, but once we heard them and suggested them (Mike came up with Ryker, I came up with Lilly) we were like "yeah, that is perfect." When Collin came along, we made a list of names we liked. One of our top two contenders was actually Collin, which happened to be the name his birth mother wanted. So of course that worked perfectly. We like names that are easy enough to spell and pronounce, but we also like names that are not common. I have an excellent job that allows me to see and hear a lot of baby names and truly see how they fit & how common they really are!

It always makes me chuckle when patients come in with their silent Z's and other silent letters that grammatically are just not correct. I also am not a fan of unisex names. (I just want to add a disclaimer here: these are just my personal opinions and so please do not take offense if your kids names fall into any of these categories, everyone just has their

preferences!) I also like to mix a bit of family somewhere in the name. Lilly's middle name was Elizabeth, which happens to be my middle name and was also my Great-Grandma's middle name. Ryker's middle name was John, which is Mike's middle name. Collin's middle name is my dad's first name. But now going into our fourth child (a fact that freaks Mike out when I remind him!) there is a lot of pressure to find the right name. So, this is our list thus far:

 Our boy names are as followed:    

Adam, Patrick, Gavin, Caleb, Justin, Christopher Adam, Thomas, Benjamin, and Oliver. I love the name Oliver, (and we would nickname him Ollie) but we have really good friends that are having a little boy this summer and they are naming their little guy Oliver and I try to avoid using the same names!

 Girl Names:

Addison, Allison, Marissa, Kaitlyn Anne, Savannah, Kaylee, Sophia Anne (we would call her Sophie), Leah Anne, and Margaret Anne (we would call her Maggie!) I also love the name Hazel. If it is a girl, I would like her to have the middle name of Anne since it is my sister's middle name.

I know it seems silly, but we are those kind of people that name our children even before we know what we are having. The naming game truly is important business (and something I feel like I can have a little bit of control over in this situation where truly we do not have control of our outcome.) I also like Abby, Landon, Alexander, and Olivia, but some of our really close family and friends have those darling names taken. My Grandmother thinks we are having twins (I laughed and nearly cried when she made that suggestion because I am not someone who has ever wanted twins personally!) and I hope to disprove her next week with an ultrasound.

I know we will eventually find a fitting name, it may just take some chiseling down. I wish I could have a magic ball that told me if we were having a boy or girl, or to have the baby just tell us what he or she prefers. If only it were that easy.

    

My Intake Appointment

I do not think I really need to explain why we would be a lot little anxious about the health of our little baby (*side note here: I would not change what has happened in our life, because truly through tribulation comes blessings, and Collin is a huge blessing in our life that we would not have had were it not for losing Collin. I am in no way discounting the miracles Lilly and Ryker truly are. I just do not want to say goodbye to another child, it hurts too much.) So with this journey, I feel like we have good reason to be a bit on edge with worry. I went to the doctor today. I had what they call an intake appointment. What happens at an intake is they gather a lot of paperwork, gather your information and family/personal history, and set things up for the pregnancy. They also draw blood to check blood type, HIV statuc, Hepatitis B status, to see if you will need any necessary immunizations once you are no longer pregnant, and a few other. The nurse was wonderful. She was sweet, funny, and understanding of this hard situation. My official due date is November 13th. I have to go back on Thursday to meet with one of the OB's so that I can get a referral to see Perinatology. The nurse recommended being seen between 6-8 weeks at Perinatology, which gives my anxious heart a little reprieve. I know we will probably not be able to get a good picture of the heart, or even to get a clear picture of the brain, but truly, and I think others can relate to this feeling, just seeing the baby and seeing the heart beating brings a little peace. And I know that to continue to function and not be a basket case, I will need a lot of reassurances. I am also doing research into some of the other testing available. I have had two amniocentesis (the second with Ryker hurt so bad) so I am looking into the different tests they offer since amniocentesis seem more painful the further along you get.  This all may seem silly, but for some reason it helps. I realize we are not in control of this situation. But I feel like if there is a plan, I can have some semblance of normality in my life, and I can feel like I kind of have a little control. I also have my suspicions as to what this baby will be. I do not want to openly share my guess, but all's I am saying is that I am pretty good at guessing with our family and friends, and have been right on for both Lilly and Ryker amongst other nieces and nephews. I could of course be wrong, but here is the funny part. My mother-in-law has been flawless with guessing her Grandchildren (she is 7 for 7 since we already knew Collin was a boy) and her guess for this baby is opposite of mine. I am not 100% on my guess quite yet, but I just feel it, just like I felt "it" with Lilly and Ryker. That is one part I am excited about. Something we do have to look forward to :) We will know a little more next week as to what the plan for us will be.

And one year ago tomorrow we met this beautiful boy. It was a lucky St. Patty's Day for us. We were filled with such hope, that even though we were not bringing him home right than, we still got to hold the little guy who would be ours someday. It was a great day!!!

(Note the little St. Patty's outfit!) 

So Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

The Crazies

I know without a doubt, that what has happened in our life was what was meant to happen. You see, had we not lost Lilly, and than Ryker, we would not have Collin in our home. Yes, we did struggle for a year and half with trying to get pregnant, with really no explanation as to why it was not working out. We had our adoption papers in for six of the months of our "trying" time. We were hoping that whatever way our family grew, we would be able to have a healthy child that we could hope for a future with. Collin is that child. He has given us hope. He made us believe that it would not be Mike and I (and of course our dog Skip!) for the rest of our life. I wanted the aching, empty arms to stop. Collin filled our arms, our hearts, and has touched his family and friends (he really expects instant friends status pretty much the moment he meets someone!) and helped our hearts to heal. I do not know what will happen with this baby. I know what the statistics are for us. I know what the geneticist at Primary Children's told us. Statistics are interesting to us. With Lilly, she stood a mere 1% to be born alive, and a mere 1% again to survive more than 1-2 hours if she was born alive. So when we beat those statistics with having her live 5 weeks, we felt like the 85% survival with Ryker was a set thing. But than to have him crash at seven weeks of age and have to say goodbye all over again to another child, I began to think the statistics had failed me. When I was pregnant with Ryker, I was convinced there was something wrong long before I found out what exactly was wrong. We than became a one-in-a-million to have had a daughter like Lilly (who other than her brain was completely healthy) and than have a heart child like Ryker.

 This little one was not in our plan. I was not ready (or better we were not ready) to go down this road.

 Just had to break up all the words with a picture from Collin's 1 year check-up!!!

We knew that once life settled down (way down the road) that we would look at our options. We had even discussed this week getting our foster care license renewed this month. A huge part of me thought I would never carry another child again, that we would not get pregnant. And than bam. I am hoping (since that is all I can really do) that with this being so unexpected that it was meant to be, that a third time is a charm, that we will have a healthy little baby. It is my hope, the only thing I really have to hold to. Having Collin keeps me busy. He helps me to be distracted. I will insist on being followed closely by my doctor and perinatology.  I will insist on having ultrasounds as often as needed to keep from going nuts. I know not everyone is able to carry a child. It is something I am very sensitive to. But I remember the feeling of going crazy with worry when I was last pregnant. It can be consuming. So I am hoping that the reassurance will help, that this little baby will continue to bring healing into our lives. So begins the journey for the next 8 months, 245 days, 35 (technically 34). Weeks 4 and 5 are when the heart develops, so I am trying to do everything possible to try and be calm, to send good vibes for development. Our hope is that were there to be a problem, it is a simple problem and can be fixed/addressed easily. I'd better sign off for now.

Things I Love: Part Two

I love to share my favorite things. They are my favorite after all, so why not??? My usual vice is

Diet Dr Pepper. But lately, I have LOVED this treat, poured over some yummy pebble ice.

How can you go wrong with this delicious treat by your side? 

(Although once I get to the store I will be purchasing some Sprite or Ginger Ale!!!)

 And these jeans are darling. I love oldnavy.com because they have jeans in short sizes (30" inseam, thank-you very much!!!) I think I will have to own a few pairs of these. And they hide the chub. 

I know that with an extra super hot summer, I am going to be needing some cooling down.

I think this cute swimsuit will help me get some relief.  

And this item above is a staple for me!!! I am not a chalky-Tums kind of gal, and since heartburn seems to be something I just have to deal with (especially after eating spicy or fried foods) I have to use an antacid. There are different flavors but whenever you chew a few of these, you can actually stomach chewing these since you are not left with chalky little bits in your mouth. Thank-you Tums for these.

And while shopping at the mall today, I found this really cute top

(which surprisingly and currently looks better on me than this model

for the first time in my life!!!) and I was actually able to buy it in a 

Large which pleased my normally XL self quite a bit!!! 

And I even found jean capris that will be perfect with it.

Picture from Deseret News
And for the next little while, I will be seeing an awful lot of this guy. 

He is a wonderful doctor and friend and is celebrating his 7000 delivery pretty soon!!!

So in case you have been hit with the stupid stick or maybe common sense just isn't your thing, 

I will leave you with one last picture before I go and take my afternoon nap:

Sorry we could not get a very clear picture of the pee-stick!

That's right, as scary as this is (and not to mention VERY, VERY, VERY unexpected!) come the first week of November, we will be welcoming a new little one into our little family. Are we nervous, excited, jubilant, scared spitless and even filled with a little hope right now??? You bet we are. I am only five weeks currently, and although it is usually not during the first trimester that I have any problems, I am still apprehensive about sharing this news so early. But at the same time, we need a miracle. We need this baby to be healthy, because honestly, I know that if we were to lose another child, I am not sure I could go on and be sane. Losing someone you love so much is very difficult, and it really hurts and aches for a very long time. I am not sure if this little one is a boy or girl (I do have my guess which for the last two have been right!)

but right now, we are praying for this little one to be healthy.

So that is why we are sharing our new a little earlier than usual. 

Any prayers would be greatly appreciated. We know the power of prayer.  I go to the doctor this week for my intake appointment. I know we will be seeing perinatology (not sure when though) and will be watching this little one closely. For those of you not aware for our children, we stand a 25-50% chance of having another child with a congenital heart defect. But looking at the glass half full (and we have to, right?) we stand a 25-75% chance of having a healthy baby. I already have been pretty nauseous (it's one of the reasons I actually took the test(s) in the first place I may-or-may not have peed on four sticks) and since I know that being nauseous is a good sign, I am okay. Just be understanding that I might be acting at my sub-par self for a while. So thank-you in advance for the prayers .

We definitely need them.

Pleasing to the Eye

Now as I have expressed before, I pretty much have no talent where photography comes into play. When family pictures need done, I believe in leaving it to the professionals. I have many favorite must read blogs. One of my favorites is Lola B's. She is truly a kindred spirit. And, she is doing a giveaway currently so stop on over!!! A while back, she had another give away that gave me hope for my not-so-great photography skills. You see, I truly love Photoshop (I only have Photoshop Elements 8) and I love that you can make pretty average pictures look great. So I started to play around a bit, and try some different looks to my pictures. Keep in mind that I am only beginning to explore and try different looks with my tools,
but I feel like there is some great potential !!!

As you can see with these two pictures, the lighting is much softer in the picture below than the one above although Mike thinks it looks fine the way it was before. I love the vintage summer look, as it warms the picture and softens the light.

The next change is Mike's favorite (I personally think it may have something to do with the fact that he loves this picture since it is a picture of the day Collin officially became ours.)

 I will have to get this one framed since I really do love it.

But to me, the biggest improvement can be seen in pictures that normally appear to dark....

....and are softened into this cute little retro look!!!! Not to mention the banner gives off such bright colors and really makes the photo pop a bit more.

This may not be the look for you, and seriously these were my first few pictures I have experimented with, but really and truly, it just gives the pictures I love, the look I love. I do not think I will ever be the photographer type (thank heavens for wonderful friends that posses that talent!) but I think I can take pictures with my point and shoot and get pretty soft pictures. Now if you are in the least bit inspired by this, you will truly be inspired by the artist that designed these actions for photoshop. She is amazingly talented and has the prettiest pictures. The site Florabella Collection is filled with ideas and teaches you how to use the actions and make ordinary pictures oh-so-pretty!!!

Baby Collin

As most of you know, Collin was adopted. After losing Lilly in 2006 and than losing Ryker in 2007, we decided that we would put in our adoption papers, and hope for a better 2008. We started the application process and were online in 5 weeks, which apparently is just about record time if not actually record time. We received many calls over the next few months asking if LDS family services could show our profile to moms that had taken drugs during pregnancy. 

 The first time we received a call like this I told the caseworker I would call her back. After discussing the pros and cons and doing our research, we agreed they could. I think this step truly prepared us to open our hearts and minds to having a child later that sadly was exposed to drugs. So after 6 short months (although long to us in the scheme of waiting for adoption, that is a short wait time!) we got the call that basically, we had been chosen, but we were going to have to fight to be able to bring our son home. 

 Someday I will go into the specifics, but basically after many long drives to Southern Utah and after killing lots of trees, we were able to bring Collin home. We sadly missed the first five weeks of Collin's life. But thanks to some pretty amazing first parents, Collin was not only loved and cared for, he was photographed and video-graphed really well. 

 

K and D were amazing parents to Collin. They loved him,

much as they would there very own child.

 

They became foster parents so that they could give back, so that they could make a positive difference in another child's life. They are such amazing people with big hearts.

I wish that it could have been Mike and I that took care of Collin during his first month of life, 

but since it could not be than,  I am glad that K and D were there to love him.

This picture was taken after they had brought Collin to meet us for the first time. We had bought a little sleeper in honor of St. Patrick's day, which was the first time we had ever met Collin.

They were the first to see his cute little smiles, they were the first to sing to him, give him loves, stay up with him at night. They were Collin's first parents. If we had not fought for Collin and if Collin had stayed with his first parents, he would have had another brother or sister just months younger than him. About 6 months to be exact.

They were such good parents. When we picked Collin up, it was hard, They were essentially saying goodbye the their baby, even if legally he was not their's, they were still the only parents he had known up till than. There were tears of sadness and heartache, and tears at joy, all at once. I cried for them. I was happy yet I remembered how hard it was to say good-bye to Lilly at a mere 5 weeks of age. It hurts. There is physical anguish when you say goodbye to child. But there is peace in knowing that the sweet child will be loved and cared for, and that truly, they will be happy.

They had only been foster care approved for a few days when they got the call about Collin. They happily agreed and went through the crazy preparations to get ready for him. When we picked up Collin, they has sweetly organized all of his things, from the outfit he came home from the hospital in to the clothes he no longer fit. They wrote pages of Collin's routine and what he liked or disliked. They also included a CD of video and pictures of almost every day they had Collin there home. We shed tears of gratitude for them.

I wish I could have had Collin from the start, but we know there are reasons for everything. I know Collin was meant to be part of their little family, no matter how short it was. He probably will not remember them, but we will, and that's what important. I want to get a picture of them framed, so that Collin will always know that he was loved, long before he ever came home. I do not think you can have too many people that love you, and in that way, Collin will always be blessed.

And not matter how old Collin gets\, he will always be our baby. He was our baby 

that gave us hope of first birthdays, of being able to plan for a future. Thank-you K and D.

We will always be grateful to you.

In Love With Anthropologie (but not the price!!!)

Does anyone else just love Anthropologie??? I heard people discussing this cute store (and there happens to be one not to far from here!) and decided to peek at the store online (this was about two years ago, way pre-Collin and diapers.) Now most of their items are way over-priced yet oh-so-beautiful but if you follow the items (such as these cute late-bowls which are $30 for six normally) but if you see when they go on sale,

they go down to only around $11.

These bowls are B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!!!

I would love this simply white soap-dish. And it actually is not horribly overpriced 

*unlike my precious latte bowls:(

I can not help but love the ric-rac on this cute apron.

I know I have posted about aprons before, but have I ever mentioned I love, love, love aprons??? I used to have 4 or 5, but as I am a very messy cook, I have ruined a few in my time. My favorite thus far is a green and pink striped apron from Williams and Sonoma. I have had it since I got married and it has been a great apron. But seriously, I could really be domestic in any of these although Mike is the baker in our home and I may or may not have a picture from when we first were married of him in a frilly apron.

I am glad that we are underpaid students, so that I have to use some of those domestic skills and make a few of these cute aprons instead of purchasing these cute little numbers.

We are one of those families that keeps a stick of butter out on the counter (I grew up with a butter dish on the counter.) We were given one when we got married and so it has been used now for about 5 1/2 years. Sadly, it has benn chipping more and more every day. So eventually, I will have to bite the dust, and purchase a new one. Does anyone else love the look of yellow and blue together???

I would love to open my fridge, just to see this pretty egg holder. I even saw a sign in the town we live in for fresh eggs. I love little farms and farmer markets. I am no huge buy local (I have a remarkable sister that buys only local 99% of the time) but I feel like we do try.

For anyone who knows me, you know I love hot chocolate. About 5 days out of the week, I have two pieces of wheat toast (with a bit of butter) and a cup of hot chocolate for breakfast. I have been envying these beauties for over a year now, and have been hoping they would go on clearance (no such luck) so maybe for Mother's day I could get a set of these. I am not sure I could steep stoop to buy these

 

                                   

And these kitchen timers are just darling. I honestly have never had a kitchen timer (I know, right?) So maybe I would have no more burnt food if I had one of these darling little timers.

 

These tumblers are just beautiful. The price, not so much.Definitely a go on-sale-price. But all the reviews say they are heavy duty and even more beautiful in person. I am a gal that appreciates heavy duty glass. I am somewhat of a clutz, and I tend to break things. Before we bought our last heavy-duty glasses, we went through about 6 boxes of glasses.  So sometimes the investment is worth it in the long run. I think they would also make pretty little vases or useful holders for the bathroom. So there are some of my favorites. Besides the aprons, (and the bowls of course!) these items are under $15. Now that sounds more like my kool-aid budget price range (the saying really is champagne taste on a beer budget but since we do not drink alcohol, we say champagne tastes on a kool-aid budget.)

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