Change Is Good

The feelings I have when I am pregnant are probably silly, but they are still very real feelings. When we were about to lose Lilly, I was talking to my sister-in-law about wanting the next pregnancy to be different. I kind of felt like it was going to be a boy (granted it was before I was even pregnant) but I just felt like having another girl so soon after Lilly would be hard, that it would be like replacing our princess. Ryker was 100% boy. But what I wanted to be different really wasn't. His spirit was different, but still very much celestial like his sister. He was feisty, a bit of spit and vinegar, where Lilly was sweet and just peaceful. But that's about where the differences ended. They were both due right about the same time. They were born one year and nine days apart from one another. They both share their birthday month with their Mom and other family members (October). They both faced major medical issues, and neither made it to two months of age. I knew that if I were to ever get pregnant again, I wanted it to be a different time of year. I wanted a spring baby ideally. I wanted things to be different. 

So although I do not have control over when I am due, I am trying to change things this time. I work on a mom/baby floor. I see a lot, I hear a lot. I have watched Moms deliver via a c-section and have seen vaginal births. I watched my sister give birth, without pain meds, because her epidural quit working about an hour before she went complete. I watched in awe as she fought with strength to bring her cute son into the world, fully feeling every moment of the excruciating pain. And I watched her recover rather quickly from it all, and hold her beautiful baby on her chest. My decision to find a way to change things is not taken lightly. I may not have gone complete with Lilly, but I went about 18 hours with steady contractions, with nearly 12 hours of steady labor at the hospital, before I succumbed to the relief of an epidural. Up till this pregnancy, I have dealt with labor-like-cramps monthly, something I hope that no woman should ever have to face. When I went to my OB appointment, my doctor discussed with me my plan for this baby. You see, I figured that after two c-sections, I was doomed to have a c-section every time. So I was surprised when my doctor told me that I could indeed try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section). My risk of rupturing is 2% (1% higher than having just one c-section), although my OB has never had a Mom trying for a VBAC rupture (this is the same doctor who has delivered over 7000 babies. ) 

Collin will be 21 months when this baby comes. I will not be able to lift Collin for about 4-6 weeks with a c-section. So I started doing my research once again (I have looked into this before) and i have decided to try for it. I am not going to be able to be induced with pitocin, so I will have to rely on my body to naturally do what it is supposed to do. I have also looked into epidurals and moms trying for a VBAC. C-sections rates go up when you have an epidural, especially with a Mom trying to avoid another c-section. I know the pain is going to suck. You are fooling yourself if you do not think it hurts. But I am looking into classes and books to help me prepare for this a natural way. I am looking into the different ways to try to deal with labor naturally (such as the Bradley method, and such.) Again, this is not a decision I take lightly. I am hoping that with some techniques, some training for both Mike and I, and having a trust in my body, that I can do it. I do not know how so many women did it back before epidurals, but that also brings me hope: this has been done for thousands of years without the intervention of drugs. If I were a "normal mom" with "normal" deliveries I would probably just have an epidural. But because it is going to be my body doing this without pretty much any drugs, I am going to have to learn to cope and tough it out. I guess I will have to find that mighty inner woman:)

So, I am looking for support and maybe any stories or tricks from any moms who have gone the natural route or that have had a VBAC. I joined a baby community of moms who are supportive of VBACs, because I know that come that third trimester, I will be begging to be done. I know I am crazy, and will probably go late and end up still very pregnant even over my due date, but I have to try (I would not be surprised if I go into Thanksgiving still pregnant or delivering on my anniversary.) Seriously, and tricks/stories of support would mean a lot. Thank-you to each of you who read my ramblings. They seem to bore Mike so thanks for still reading!!! :)

*I cannot wait to find out what we are having. But at the same time, I worry about hearing the bad news that something has gone wrong for a third time. This waiting is a killer!!!! And tomorrow I pass out of the 200 number of days left until this baby is due!!!! Whoot for just 199 days left!!! LOL!!!

Probably Jinxing Myself

So seriously probably jinxing myself, but I feel pretty good because here it is: I have not thrown up in 5 days!!! Not to say I haven't been close or haven't been nauseous, but I even have had a might bit more energy. I am moving this week into the 12th week (which for the non-week understanders is about 3 months along almost) and I am hoping that since typically  morning all-day sickness makes most of it's debut during the first trimester and 13 weeks marks the start of the second trimester, that most of the sick days are hopefully behind me (and I should say us because poor Mike and Collin!) I still feel exhausted in the evenings and sick, but I think that has to do with just being a busy pregnant Mom. I am so sorry we have not shared any pictures lately. My camera disappeared about 6 weeks ago and we have torn our house apart looking for it but sadly we cannot find it. So still no pictures currently. Collin is busy going, going, going. He runs around (still falls A LOT!) and is pretty funny. He drives us nuts some moments, but when he lays his head on your shoulder, or hands you a book and wants picked up into your lap to be read to, you forget those stinker moments. We play outside a ton. I think Collin would live outside if he could. His vocabulary is Momma, Dadda, Gramma (this is more difficult one to get him to say though!) Grandpa, stinky, bath, ball, moo, E-I-E-I-O(he LOVES the song "Old McDonald had a Farm"), bite, dink (drink), bath, book, Hedder (my sister Heather *we did not teach him this one, it was purely his Aunt!) Sip (Skip), George (Curious George) his personal favorite: dog, duck, please, and tink-you (thank-you!) I think that is about it, well at least that we understand. He loves to laugh, loves to ham it up, and loves to fake cough. He eats pretty much anything, but is getting to where he will try a bite or two and if he does not like it, he lets us know. If he could live in a bathtub, outside, life would be perfect. He loves playing with other kids, but treats them like he does Skip so sometimes it is not very nice. He loves his family, loves to swing, and loves to steal Skip's toys. He thinks it is pretty hilarious to throw various items into the toilet, which is not only gross and wasteful ( we toss whatever gets thrown in) but really obnoxious. He loves a PBS show or two, but really actually loves to look at books and be read to. He would happily have us read this book all the time:

If you have not read this one, it really cute. The illustrations are funny, and actually enjoyable to read again and again. I love to read, as does Mike, and I always wanted to share that love with my children. It is interesting to see how young they are when they learn to love books. We always have some sitting out, so sadly some do get "loved" a little more than most books should, but hey, I am okay with that. Collin started having to wear shoes about two months ago. He still is not the biggest fan, but shoes are sadly part of life.

This last Saturday I had the privilege to attend a Heart Mom Appreciation Lunch. It was wonderful to see so many familiar faces and make some new friends too. Although I was not perfect at making new friends. You see, I love our heart friends. And we especially love Ryker's buddies. But sometimes it is hard. I sat with three other angel Moms and a mom to a cute heart kiddo. The reason I sat with the angel Moms (besides them being wonderful friends) is because they are a comfort in my life. We are all a little broken. There will forever be a little piece of us missing. And we are okay that each of us is a little broken. There is strength with them. And I feel like saying "oh, my heart child did not make it" to fellow heart Moms can be depressing. Not sure this makes sense, but just want to say how I appreciate the angel sector. 

 Can you believe how many heart Moms were there???

They help me realize I am normal in my insanity. But seriously, the lunch was yummy, the music by Paul Cardall was so peaceful, and the words from his Mom were so inspiring. It was held at Gardner Village (one of my favorite places) and I hope that we have it again next year. Carolyn and everyone who were in charge need to be applauded. Carolyn Quiggley is one of most selfless people I know. She spends hours and hours preparing for wonderful activities that bring heart families into contact with each other which brings support. On her sweet angel Hope's birthday, she spent it selflessly serving others at the lunch. 

She is an angel amongst us.

Next Tuesday, in a week, we will be having some genetic tests. I am nervous, excited, scared, anxious, and ready for it to be here. We will also be finding out what we are having about a week after that. Each step is step closer to hopefully finding out we are finally going to be having a healthy babe, but there are no guarantees. Anyways, I am sorry for the rambling. Thank-you for the prayers and words of support. It means so much to feel the support. Please continue to keep Mason Strickland in your prayers. I know miracles can happen and that he will be able to go home. Just is facing the fun road bumps that make the road a journey!

Just Need to Vent

I know people are different. I know people think they cannot handle certain crappy things in life, but are surprised to find they can handle things. I was reading posts on a baby community I am on. I feel like my children were priceless gifts. I felt like they were worth the chance, worth the potential heart ache. One of the girls on the board is sadly carrying a baby with anencephaly. She has been given the choices, and although has not decided, is leaning toward medically necessitated termination. We were given these options with Lilly and Ryker. We have Moms at times at the hospital who choose to terminate. With Lilly, person after person told us how futile our chances were to be able to even meet her alive. I just could not end her life prematurely. And to think if I had, we would not have had the 5 weeks we had with her. Many of the women from the group agree with termination, and say how horrible it is to make the baby suffer. I know Lilly suffered with her seizures, but I feel like we tried to give her the best life. Ryker had pretty good odds, 80% to make it (Lilly's were 1% to live past 1-2 hours). The doctors did give us the option to terminate, but never really pushed it like with Lilly. And heavens knows that Ryker went through pain, but I think in some way all babies are in pain at some point. There are babies who deliver and the doctors missed diagnosis in utero and than their babies have problems. I just do not get the line or distinction of when a child's life becomes "worthless". There are many babies that are terminated with HLHS. I think of all our little heart friends that would not be here, or even our niece if their parents had made other alternatives. I will admit I am pro-life (for so many reasons) and I understand that some women can not handle the diagnosis. But I think to of the women who have chosen to carry and have had surprising outcomes. They are not always the best, but many families are given time. And I believe that the time, those moments are what see you through most days. You never have to wonder the what-if's? And many terminate children with down syndrome, which is one I do not think I can begin to understand. Some of my favorite people in the world are those with down syndrome. They are so loving and happy. Anyways, I guess after having Lilly and Ryker and the thought of never meeting them and having the time we had with them, it just breaks my heart to see so many women never have that chance. I am not even sure this made sense, but hopefully it did. And just please understand I am not criticizing anyone who has chosen medical termination, because it is complete Hell to be given such a scary diagnosis, and scary to face becoming more and more attached to only have to say goodbye. I guess there is no right answer here, and I am just so very hopeful that this pregnancy ends with a good outcome. We need one.

Baby Gear

So we bought a lot of junk baby gear that I thought for sure we would use all the time, every day, in-and out. But once that baby comes along, you begin to realize what you like and what you really need. For example, my travel system was great, for the two months mind you it would have worked for us for approx. 3 months, but Collin came home at a month of age. But now, it sits in a closet, because it is a heck of a lot easier to keep the really nice and cute umbrella stroller in our car. Takes up less space, is light weight, and is a must buy. But a single stroller gets us no where, once this baby comes along. And although it will be awhile before we need a double, we want to look at our best options and hopefully find a steal-of-a-deal. So I am looking for a double stroller, one that is semi light-weight and will not hog up every inch of where it is stored. I have seen some that have the spot for them to stand in the back, but ideally, I want one that has a spot for both of the kids to sit. So any advice would be pretty helpful here!

When we brought Collin home. someone gave us a brand new diaper champ. Well, that thing does anything but keep the stink in. I already have a pretty sensitive sense of smell, but when I am pregnant, it is that much worse.

One of my friends registered for a Arm and Hammer Munchkin diaper pale from Target and it kind of opened my eyes to maybe looking into something better (and the sooner the better~one year old diapers are a killer!) and something that can naturally keep the smell in. This diaper pale is awesome because with each diaper, it puts a bit of Arm&Hammer into the pale with each use, naturally taking the stink out. So I think I may just have to try this out!!!

We have a great diaper bag that I was given for Mother's Day. I have loved this diaper bag, but what I do not love is how it cleans up. We are constantly spilling things on it and in it, and I do not love the spot washing and the pain of trying to keep it looking clean. I wanted something affordable, something that holds up to spills and messes. I want a diaper bag that if I were to have to buy another one, down the road, it will not be too expensive to replace. I have seen one I am looking at. I am good with the one I have right now, but I know that come this fall,
it is going to be time for a new one.

I am stuck between these two. I love the first one because it comes with a bottle cooler, and is laminated (so we will never have to worry about a stain again!) I do love that it closes over, and is pretty cute. The second one is a Skip-Hop. We had one from Ryker that is gray that Mike had used as the Dad-bag with Collin. I like it, but the strings have started to show, there are a couple of weak spots where the sewing is coming unstitched. But it does clean up well and I do like this pattern. Well, that's about all the weak stomach will allow right now, so I had better be off. I cannot wait for about 2-3 weeks when I hope this all-day sickness will be gone. 

Throwing up is so not my thing. :(

Special Prayers

Our little heart friend Mason is in need of some prayers (and if you are LDS and can fast, I am sure that would help too!) His little body is rejecting his new heart. The good news is they found the rejection early and are hopeful to turn his body around and stop fighting the rejection. The road with heart babies is often fraught with bumps, and although this is a big bump, we know that Mason has overcome some pretty huge bumps before. So please, please, please keep this sweet family in your prayers tonight!!!

Our Little Baby

We went to maternal fetal medicine today. They wanted to make sure our little one was with development. Our baby was perfect (well as far as we can tell!) His/her little heart was steadily beating away at 189 beats per minute. We could see little arms and legs and he or she was just wiggling around. We did not meet long this time with our Perinatologist. Sadly, he told us that he was dealing with another couple that were facing a "twist", much like we had faced. We completely understood, because if we were in their place, we would want as much time to talk the doctor. We spent most of our time with the genetic counselor Becky (who is such a cute preggo herself!) We talked about the various tests, and discussed the genetic aspect of this baby. She gave us a great analogy. With Lilly, it was like lightening strike. When we had Ryker, it was rare, just like it would be if lightening struck again. And when you have had lightening strike you twice, you just assume lightening will strike again.  wish we have had a healthy pregnancy. I think I would not be so worried about this little one. But when you have only had some pretty sad outcomes, you just begin to expect a sad outcome. I am not a pessimist by nature, I guess I just am realistic. With that being said though, we are still hopeful. We will be having two tests in about 2 1/2 weeks. The first is a nuchal translucency and the other is a CVS. The nuchal translucency measures the nuchal fold at the neck and can show fluid built up at the back of the neck, which shows a potential for chromosomal problems and also Congenital Heart Defects (but it is not a perfect test!) After that, I will have a Chorionic Villus Sampling, and it will test for chromosomal problems. We are just taking it step-by-step, trying to get through the day. Collin keeps us busy. He is 100% a boy. He loves to be outside and loves to get hurt/get into dirt. Today, he looked like he got into a fight and lost. He cut his gums, busted his lip, scratched up his arm, and this was on top of the two goose-eggs he gave himself yesterday. Thank heavens DCFS no longer makes visits, because they would probably think he was abused. Anyways, thank-you for the kind thoughts and prayers. They really help and make such a difference. It is reassuring to get closer and closer to being able to see more, to hopefully be given the reassurance of seeing a healthy and perfect baby. Off to bed!

Old Wives Tales

If you have ever been pregnant (or even if you have not) you are bound to have heard a few old wives tales. Most of them have to deal with "if this is happening, than you are having this gender of a baby" and so on. Just in case you haven't heard any, here are a ton of them a few: "how high/low the heart beats says what gender the baby will be", "if you carry high or low, you will have______", "if you crave salty snacks and meat, you are having a boy", "if you crave sweet foods/fruits, you will have a girl", "if you are sick in the gills, you will be having a girl", "if the needle/ring swings or sways, you will have a _______", "if you have bad skin, you will have a girl"," if you are glowing and have good skin, you will have a boy", and on and on. There are also some crazy ways to use your urine and check to see what you are having. There is the Drano test (which can be dangerous BTW!) and than there is one I just heard of tonight. It is called the Cabbage Gender Test. What it basically does is tests whether your urine is more acidic or alkaline. What the test entails is taking a head of red cabbage, chopping it up into little bits, and than boiling it for ten minutes. You than take a cup and *ahem, do your little business in it* and than mix equal parts of the water from the boiled cabbage and your urine. If it turns a pink/red color, it will be a boy, and if it turns a purple color, it will be a girl. Now the problems with the accuracy of this test come in because depending on what you have eaten, you urine naturally will be more acidic or more alkaline. These tests just make me chuckle!!! They really are just for a little bit of fun. I am not sure who came up with such a funny idea, but truly people are creative (although a lot of Mom's get bored and are anxious to find out what they are having, so I would not be surprised if a pregnant Mom did develop this test! So I have to ask, has anyone done this test (or another like it) or what Old Wives Tales do yo believe in? I am a believer in the heartburn= hair (at least for me) and the morning sickness (I was sick with Lilly constantly but was only sick one day with Ryker!) I do think each superstition applies differently to each person, but all-in-all, it just kind of is fun!!! And BTW, their is also the Chinese Gender Predictor  , which has been false for both Lilly and Ryker, although I am told you are not supposed to go by the actual age you are when you conceive, but are supposed to go by what year in life you are in (so you would add a year.) Apparently with the Chinese, you are never zero. So adding one year to my age actually puts me right on with Lilly and Ryker. We will know soon enough what this little one will be having, but for now, it is just fun to speculate. BTW, we have added some more girl contender names: Tessa and Charlotte. Mike is not a huge fan of these, but I think a little Tess or Lottie would be cute!!! He still is holding to Christopher Adam and likes Sophie, which are both good names. One of these days, it will just click!!!

I'm Lame

I really have had no desire to blog. Who knew that day would come??? I am trying to be a decent mom (I will be honest and say poor Collin and Mike!!!) but some days that entails just sitting Collin on my lap and playing Old MacDonald Had a Farm about 20 times. The nausea/vomiting have really kicked my butt, and it has made me a Mom that wishes she could just lay there and sleep away the morning sickness. Not trying to complain, because there are so many women who do have it worse than me, and really and truly, I am glad this baby is doing well. I go to perinatology on Friday. I went to my OBGYN last week, and since I am still early and they cannot hear the heart beat when you are early, they did an ultrasound. This is the first time I have seen the baby look like a baby. He or she was tiny, just a little over an inch long, and moving around in there. I actually spotted the heart beat before the doctor did, and I got pretty teary just seeing it beat away. The funny thing is I think we were just so happy to see the little one that we forgot to count the heart beat. But it was beating quickly enough that I am not worried right now. Anyways, I will try to be better about blogging. I just feel like much of my day is spent being sick and trying to deal with the nausea and vomiting, and who wants to hear about that? My mind changes every day what this baby will be. It would be wonderful to have such a good friend for Collin, so I am kind of hoping for a boy, but than I think about the fun a little girl would be, to finally be able to use the clothes I have and for Collin to have a little sister. I am torn. I truly will be happy either way, I just want the little one-incher to be healthy!!! Well, I am off to bed. Please continue the prayers for Mason. He is doing great, but a heart transplant is a long road and very tricky with levels and finding the perfect balance for him. But he is doing so well, and looks great. 

Gotta love the pink!!!

An Easter Miracle: Mason is Getting His Heart!!!

The cute Strickland Family

I wrote a similar post just earlier, but had to change the simple message. I am LDS. LDS stands for Latter Day Saint. We are also called Mormons. This weekend is a weekend that happens twice a year. We are privileged to hear words of encouragement, words to be better, 
words of a living Prophet and leaders that love us so much.

Lately, I have been living day to day. It helps me to get through the stress of worrying what will happen with our little baby that is growing and is just so tiny. I have been trying to focus simply on trying to not stress. Stress in not good for me, stress is not good for this little baby. But stress is simply a part of life. I have long worried and stressed for the Strickland family. We met when our sons were at Primary's. Their Mason was born at the hospital I work at, and when I heard the story of his crashing (he was undiagnosed with his heart defect of something similar to HLHS and actually went home and crashed at the hospital.) He was life-flighted to PCMC and I looked into how he was doing. He is a fighter. He is amazing (as is his family in so many ways.) These heart babies are resilient and strong. We love Summer and Mark. They were there the day Ryker passed, sobbing for our heart ache and praying for us. They are simply an amazing family. Mason is getting his heart. He and his sweet Mom Summer have been away from their family for too long, and this will be the start of them going home, home to Utah, 
home to their family. 

So as I sit and listen to the remarkable words of encouragement and peace from the wonderful leaders of our church, I pray for the Stricklands. I pray for Mason. I pray for the hands and minds of the surgeons. Because you know what, miracles do happen. I know this. I am so far from perfect. But I do believe in the perfect love of my Heavenly Father, and the love and peace he has shown to me and our little family. He knows my heart, knows my concerns for those we worry so about. He loves me, imperfect as I am.  So on this Easter Sunday, please remember the true meaning of Easter. Remember the remarkable blessing of having a loving Brother who loved us so, and so He lovingly gave his life for us. He lives, and so we shall live. 
Happy Easter to everyone.

One Year Ago Today

Can you believe it has been a year since this little guy became part of our family??? It feels like he has been ours forever. These wonderful gals are two of the caseworkers that made sure Collin came to our home (and oh am I missing the warmer temps I was enjoying last year at this time, but not missing Mike's pneumonia nor my bronchitis!!!) 

We were so happy to bring him home. He was finally going to be ours. We also were excited to get him into some of our little-man clothes, which we did pretty much did quite quickly after!

We signed all the paperwork, took some pictures, and loaded everything up. We also stopped quite quickly after to get him changed and brush his crazy hair!!!

Our families were so excited to finally meet the newest member of our family. I just really miss how tiny and cute he was!!! He was an angel on the way home. He slept nearly the whole way!!! We stopped once to feed him and to eat and rest. It was so fun to do these simple little things as a new little family. I think we may have even fought over who got to change him first (man do I miss those days!) 

The rest of the story is history, with all of our family coming to meet Collin and see our sweet little miracle!

They all just could feel how sweet he truly was and were so happy to have him home. 

I love how Collin is looking at my little brother in this picture. Jake will make a great Dad someday!

And Mike, home after missing his little boy and glad to be holding him close.

I miss those newborn snuggles too!!!

Collin was truly meant for our little family and we so grateful to have him as our son.

We love Collin so much and look forward to many more celebrations of this placement day.

He is our little sunshine and I know that come-what-may, he is going to make a wonderful bog brother!!!

 I miss the newborn Collin but am looking forward to sharing cute experiences with this adorable little one year old. We will always remember Collin as our little baby, but truly, he is becoming more and more our little toddler. He walks, is practically running, and loves to talk (whether it makes sense or not!) His favorite words are ball, dog, Momma, Dadda, ball, dog (well you get the picture, although he does say other words, these are his favorites!) Collin is going to be one heck of big brother!!!