Important Week

It is a pretty exciting and important week coming up for us. We feel our sweet angels literally so close, and the last time I prayed this much was when I was pregnant with Ryker, and of course the seven weeks he was here on earth. In the LDS religion, we have an amazing book called the Book of Mormon. I was reading today, and the words just were literally so sweet to my anxious soul. I want to share them with you. It is out of a book called Helaman, chapter 3 verse 27 (29 is so good too!) and it states: " Thus we see that the Lord is merciful unto all who will, in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon his His holy name." Well, our little family has certainly been doing their fair share of calling upon the Lord. It is such an overwhelming feeling to know how much our Heavenly Father loves us. It has been a long time since I felt my children around me, nearly every day. It humbles me and brings me to tears. I wish I could tell everyone of you the comings and goings of our life, but there is just too much to share and so many of you we do want to share it with. But there will be a time. No matter what happens someday, the story will be told. Please continue the prayers in Gracie's behalf and also ours. And if you are LDS, or are of a faith that fasts, we will be fasting this weekend for ourselves and also for sweet Gracie. Thank-you all so much. We feel the strength of the prayers and know that prayers can bring about miracles! This week (we are praying) will continue to be a week of miracles (it is definitely time for sweet Grace to get better and be able to come home!)

Oh My Heck!!!

First of all, Gracie is hanging in there and she is holding steady. We are hoping that she will continue to gain strength, each and every day. We can not say much, or rather need to not, but we are asking for some prayers for us personally (and of course along with sweet Gracie!) I am sorry I can not go into more depth, too much unknown. But know that I will when I can, (or rather we?). So please, please, please, pray for hearts to be softened and for us to be strong. Like I said too much unknown to say anything. Faith, hope, and charity are the blessings we need in our life!

Gracie: Our Little Fighter

Our niece has a remarkable spirit. She is so strong, and is fighting to stay here. Her being so sick is pushing all of us to our breaking points. I left last night and went to workout, knowing that I needed to work off some of the stress I was going through. The rec center happens to be right next to the local cemetery, so on my way home, I drove through the pitch-black cemetery, making my way towards Lilly's and Ryker's headstone. I stopped, (in my car) and just talked to them. It's not that I feel like Lily and Ryker's spirits reside at the cemetery, it just makes me feel like I can talk to them, because it is where their physical bodies lay. I told them that Gracie is going through a hard time. I told them that our family could not face losing a third baby. I asked if they could go to work, and protect and comfort our family, but especially Gracie. When I got home, Mike told me that Gracie seemed more stable. After talking to Deanna today, I realized how truly close we came to losing Gracie yesterday, and how close she came to going on ECMO (a heart/lung machine that allows the lungs and heart to rest) and even though now there is no improvement, at least she has stabilized. Thank-you all for your prayers. Please continue praying for our Gracie, and also Gracie Gledhill who is on ECMO and awaiting a second heart transplant. Prayers do bring around miracles. God knows what is in store. I know better than most (unfortunately) that His will is not always ours, but I just have to believe our Gracie has more of life in store for her on this earth. I just have to have a lot of faith. So please pray for the Gracies, and the other families that stand in need of some extra strength and peace this week!!!

More Prayers

Gracie is just plain scaring us today. Gracie, our family, those taking care of her are in desperate need of prayers. I hate this feeling of helplessness. It brings back the terrifying feelings of so much un-known that we experienced with Ryker. Pray for her to be strong and continue to fight! Pray that her family (specifically her parents) will have the strength and peace to get through everything they are having to face. I hate being so helpless. I hate not being in control. And I know that Gracie has such an amazing spirit and I need that sweet spirit in my life, and we need her here, so that I know miracles STILL do happen. So tonight, keep her in your thoughts and prayers, and pray for her to be strong I know God will bless us as he has plans, and I just CANNOT begin to believe that this family needs to face losing a third little baby after losing two. I cannot entertain the thought. Be our strength tonight.

Extra Prayers

Our little niece Gracie is having a hard time. She had to be transferred back down to the PICU, and they do not know what is going on with her. She is reintubated and on nitric-oxide. They are probably going to take her down for a heart catheter sometime today. She really needs some extra prayers. They just do not know what is going on; she is testing negative for infection, RSV, and so there are no answers as to why things are not very good. Please pray for her parents to have strength during this frustrating time, and prayers that Gracie will get better!

Gratitude is the Attitude (sorry for my long ramblings!)

The title of this post is what my parents tried to instill in me. I am trying to be more like this post. It is definitely not an easy journey. It seems that it is so much easier to find the ugly and not so good in the world, and to criticize everything around me. But I am beginning to again realize that I am in charge of my happiness. That happiness is not predicated on what kind of house I live in, what kind of car I drive, what I look like, or how many kids I have to brag about (and seriously, how many people can say they have two perfect kids *wink*wink!) But in all seriousness, I do have a lot to be grateful for. I am grateful for the eternal companion that I get to share my life with. I am grateful to have felt the soft nudges (and sometimes the hard nudges) of two sweet little babies. I know there are many women who sadly never get to experience carrying a child. It breaks my heart that there is infertility in this world, and it sucks that it is currently a challenge in my life. But I am grateful that I get to appreciate the miracle of child birth that much more. The part of my life that I am especially grateful for is the blessing of having a loving Heavenly Father that cares for me. These last two years have been hard. Very few can come to understand the Hell of the loss of a child, let alone two. There have been times where I feel embittered that there are not children in our home. I have learned that Heavenly Father is truly there for me. He does love me. He is not punishing me by taking away my two precious angels. He needed them, for reasons I do not fully understand (although we do have some pretty head-strong family in the here-afters!) But I know that I will be a Mom again, and I that it will be when the time is right (no matter how hard I wish that time was/is now!) He knows me, knows my heart aches, knows what I can withstand, and knows that when I do not understand Him and am frustrated, that he will be patient and await my return with loving open arms. So I am going to do my best, and try to do everything in my power to be the best I can be. So I am a work-in-progress, and I am changing so that I can be a better me.

Where do I fit in?

A question I have been pondering for awhile: where do I fit in? I am a Mom, but yet, my kids are not on this earth. I am not raising them right now. And when my friends and family are discussing when they started their kids on solid foods, or how soon their kids started rolling-over/laughing/crawling/walking, the only input I can put in is what I have seen, not what I have experienced. And yet, I have carried two children, for the amazing amount of 18 months, in less than two years. But here I am again: where do I fit in? I don't really fit in with women who are trying to conceive, because a strong majority have never even been able to conceive one child, let alone two. And most of the women who are the proud Moms of adoption are not really in my shoes, because our reason for adoption is such a different story. Our first case worker even told us that she did not have any parents that were adopting for our reasons. So again, I do not feel like I fit in. I'm not trying to sound mopey, because truly, I am pretty happy right now (even being sick with the flu!)I truly do have such faith, that I WILL have more kids on this earth. And I believe that a loving Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. I just wish that our empty home could enjoy the blessings of having laughter and joy in our home, the kind that is only brought in by a sweet baby being with us, on a day-to-day basis. I want to be a Mom, so bad. And Mike wants to be a Dad soo much too. What's a gal to do? So really, I guess it will be awhile before I truly fit in, and I will just have to make do with being somewhere in-between!

Feeling Crappy but SOO Grateful for Mike!!!

I HATE being sick. Our little "G" fam is sick and I just wish I could get feeling better (thank heavens Mike is starting to feel a bit better!) But while I re-convalescent, I have the BEST guy to make me feel better! Mike is feeling a lot better than I am, but I think I am just in the midst of the sickness, and have another day or two to get back on my feet! Mike seriously is the best husband a girl could ask for, I have spent pretty much 80% of the last two days in bed. So today, he journeyed out to get more cold medicine and some other essentials (orange juice, bread, crackers, soup, and of course Ginger Ale!)and also brought back two movies (more of the feminine persuasion) for us to enjoy!!! I just love him! He just loves me, no matter how I look (and believe me, I looked like my finger had truly been stuck in the light-socket!) and just hugs me and lets me know how much I am truly adored! He has been so good, bringing me cold medicine, breakfast, and just being the sweet guy he is!I am sad he is going back to work tomorrow:(, but I guess life goes on!!! So hopefully the "G" fam will start feeling better soon!! So sorry for the husband brag, but her truly is the best friend/companion a wife could possibly have!

Sad Day

For the last 4 previous years (pretty much since we got married) I have completed our taxes myself. So, today, I started doing what needed to be done. The crappiest part of doing our own taxes (besides increasing the headache you already have) is when it gets to life events. The last two years, I have been able to add a child, even though last year I had to delete Lilly off:(. This year, it asked if I wanted to add or delete any information from our dependent info. Of course, this year we did not have any children in our home, and since Ryker was not with us at all this year, I had to delete Ryker. It was really sad to just eliminate him from any of our tax information. This sucked. It took all I had to not just break down. These are those moments, that really just bite. It hurts, really hurts. The great part of today, (and about the only part that made the day for me), was getting the news that sweet Gracie was extubated successfully! I guess you take those tender mercies. Mike and I have been so sick today, so really Gracie brought the one bright spot of our day! And also, just wanted to wish my older brother a HAPPY, HAPPY 27th Birthday!!! (That means I am turning 26, eek! Maybe I will finally look older than 18:) A LOT of people think I am either just barely 18, and even sometimes younger! It gives me a great chuckle! Anyways, continue to keep our little heart friends/family in your prayers, because every day is truly a miracle!

February is All About Hearts

As pretty much each and every one of you know, Valentine's Day and even February, is all about love, girly colors, chocolates, and of course, hearts. The coincidental thing is that for the "G" households, this day means a lot more. February 7 through the 14th is a big week for the Heart Group that we belong to (Intermountain Healing Hearts). It is National Congenital Heart Defect Awareness (CHD). This is MAJOR because CHDs occur in 1 out of 100 births! What is even scarier is that so many of these defects are not discovered until AFTER birth. For many heart defects, it is CRITICAL to know ahead of delivery (just to pause for a moment, how could a doctor miss seeing HALF-OF-A-HEART?!?!) so that these infants needing heart surgery can receive the necessary prostaglandins to keep the PDA opened. (Infants who have undiscovered heart defects can look PERFECT and than all of a sudden crash and code; Ryker's after-birth APGARs were 8 and 9, which is APGARs that are common in about 95% of births!) IN our little family, we are personally affected by three CHD's (Gracie and Ryker-who were both born with HLHS, and my darling hubby Mike,who was born with a Coarctation of the Aorta.) Our chances of having another baby with a CHD is 25-50%, and for Mike's twin, it is somewhere between 15-25%. There are SO many different CHDs, and the variety spans from life-threatening defects requiring immediate surgery to minor problems that may not even require surgery.
So to spend this national heart day, we went up to see our sweet niece Gracie. She was pretty snockered (a term meaning sleeping and out because of some GREAT drugs.) She looks so much better compared to the last time we saw her, but she is still intubated. Her lungs are looking so much better, but she was pretty agitated today. She was still so sweet, trying so hard to open her eyes and look over at Uncle Mike. She gave a little peak of a smile, and she is just such a sweetie. (I am also pretty sure she has grown a couple of inches in the last two 1/2 weeks!)




So here's to all those that have been affected by Congenital Heart Defects. Even though the awareness week is at an end, I wanted to share a few more heart stories (kind of a variety of those living with the defect, and those who are experiencing the effects of the loss of their child or family member)! I am sorry that this picture was so fuzzy, I was trying to avoid turning on the flash and this was the best I could get!!! The first is Gracie just a few days post surgeries, and of course the one today! Love you Gracie~get feeling better soon!

Life's Little Blessings.

When we were at the hospital with Ryker, I would start to get down about how far Ryker had to come to be able to come home to us. These were the times when I would look next door, to our little friend Kaidence, waiting for a heart and hoping and praying that she would get it. I remember thinking, "okay, things are not to that point, so I need to be grateful for where we are right now, he is making progress." Things switched dramatically, but all within Heavenly Father's plan. I think we are starting to feel that way again. I have been pretty upset by all Gracie has had to face in the last week and half, and it is really hard. I think it draws back the many feelings of being with Ryker. But after reading a fellow heart friend's blog (the sweet Gracie Gledhill) we began to feel grateful for where Gracie is. Gracie Gledhill is hopefully going to be approved to get a heart, and I know her family desperately can use the prayers. This little girl is a true living miracle. She was not expected to ever come off the ECMO (sort of lung/bypass machine) and not only did she come off, she was able to come home! So please be mindful of them, and to read more, click HERE!

Another little blessing is that we finally have had a few Moms view our profile. The odd part is that so far, both of the birth moms are moms of kids with some potential problems. The first is a little boy (due in May) and he has been exposed to drugs. The second is a Mom of a little girl (due in June) that potentially has down syndrome. It is an interesting call from your caseworker, asking questions like "would you be interested in adopting a child with special needs?". I am not sure I could ever say no to such special little babies. Heavenly Father knows how much we would love a healthy baby, but we also know that each child is a gift and little miracle from a loving Heavenly Father. Who knows if we would even get chosen. It just starts me realizing me how much truly we would love a little baby, that is ours, to love and brighten our day. Anyways, please keep us in our prayers and please pray for the two special little Gracies!!!

Been on blog vacation.

Sorry its been awhile since I have posted. I work at a local hospital and every other week I work three 12 hour shifts over three days. It seems to wipe me out, so that I come home, eat, exercise, shower, and send myself to bed (also, I throw in a bit of homework and snuggling with Mike to fill the little extra time left!) Last Wednesday and Thursday were every gal's dream! I keep telling Mike, "every girl needs a makeover!" (And truly, every girl could have one!) Wednesday was the salon/photography time. I met the incredible Christie Somers, who is an incredible stylist and literally worker her magic on me with vibrant hair tones, amazingly cute and yet so low-maintenance hair, that I truly felt like any woman could be gorgeous! And along for the ride was Wendy, from Blue Lily Photography who takes beautiful pictures (she is actually pretty well-known in blogging land for doing the family pictures of Stephanie Nielson author of the Nie-Nie Dialogues blog, the same couple who are making a miraculous recovery from sever burns in their body, caused by a small-plane accident that took the life of their friend. Click HERE to read her INSPRIRING words!) Both of these women are just SOO talented, and are amazing at what they do.



After three amazing hours and some really yummy cookies/cupcakes (if you live in Utah, you need to check out The Sweet Tooth Fairy because the treats are not only beautiful but divine!)I was a dolled up gal and ready for a night out on the town (okay really we just went to dinner and to see my seriously-so-sweet little niece Miss Gracie, who is at Primary's and is making her steps towards getting off the ventilator and coming home!)It was a blast! So here is the before and after shot:




The funny thing is, growing up, I never really had anyone to tell me how to do my hair or how to wear make-up. Christie taught me what products to use and how to apply simple make-up that makes it look natural and beautiful. Mike liked everything so much that he told me that I should go back, when it is time for touch-ups and some more glamming!




I will save the free Shade clothing for another post! Thank-you for everyone who voted. This experience allowed me to see that I can actually have outer beauty. I am not a depressed gal, nor did I think I was ugly before the make-over. I've always just thought of myself as a somewhat pretty face (with a lot of chub) and that I could never be one of the girls that looked cute day to day. I was always pretty lost as to how to enhance what I naturally have. It was a definite self-esteem boost, and THANK-YOU, THANK-YOU Tamn, Christie, and Wendy for everything!!!!

Coming Soon!!! (tomorrow or maybe Saturday since I do work!)

So I have seen a few of the pictures from the makeover, and I have to tell you that Wendy (from Blue Lily Photography)did a stunning job! I will go more into the details from my viewpoint and all of the fun stuff. But check out Tamn's blog tomorrow for the cute pics (if you know me well, and I mean REALLY well, you know I am always behind the camera, not the one and only one getting their pic taken, and I am the LEAST photogenic person I know, seriously, ask my siblings how many fam. pics. I've ruined!) but Christie and Wendy worked WONDERS! Anyways, I will post about my amazing transformation soon because you know me, I LOVE to blog!!

SHOCKED!!!!

O.K so just fair warning, if you are not sitting down you may want to! I mean I was not even expecting this! The makeover is done! I am in utter disbelief; I mean I knew how beautiful my wife was but holy cow! Love the new style! So just a reminder of the before (now this is Mike posting, and Emily does not care much for this first picture!)



Now for the great unveiling (Emily will be getting pictures from the photographer soon, so keep in mind these are shot with our simple camera) ta-da:

We need a quiet night.

Tomorrow is the make-over! Whoo-hoo! I wish this was not so bitter-sweet. I guess I am just a worry-wart, and I know it will be a blast tomorrow, and I am so excited to see Gracie! She is such a cutie and although I know she does not look like her usual self, we sure do love her and want her to get better so she can start her sweet-smiling again! So hopefully, Jason, Deanna, Gracie, (and Grandpa too) will get some rest and tomorrow they will be able to get the fluid off her little body and get her chest closed up! So thank-you for the prayers, but PLEASE keep them coming. Like I said, Gracie is still a ways off from being where she needs to be. Everything in Gracie-time, as we all like to say. I will post picture tomorrow of my make-over!!!

A Long Hard Night.

Needless to say, Gracie, Jason, Deanna, my Father-in-law, Mother-in-law, etc. had a long night. Gracie went back a third time to the operating room at around three. The term "third times a charm" I hope sticks in this family. They left her chest open, and she has lost quite a bit of blood. They are hoping she will rest and allow her body to heal itself. Jason and Deanna are finally going to go and get some sleep. This is extremely hard. There comes a point to where I have to ask "why?" Why does this little girl have to go through SOOO much, pushing her to where I feel a lot of people (much older mind you) would give up? Why do Jason and Deanna have to see their little one suffer so much? There is nothing worse than seeing your baby or child suffer. And it is that much more terrifying to see your little one soo sick, so weak, and just giving it all they've got. I'm not sure why this family has to go through so much literal heart ache. I can not remember signing up for this, or saying that we would be able to go through all of this. What a naive spirit I once had. Gone are thinking babies are all born perfect and healthy. Gone is thinking how easy a child is, and taking that child for granted. When you see someone you love suffer through so much, your heart breaks for them. I think there is a breaking point. I broke during Ryker's emergency stomach surgery. I snapped, right there in the middle of Primary's long hallway. Hysterical and just broken. I think that happened last night with Gracie's parents. It just becomes too much. So please, please, pray for Grace to rest and heal. Pray for Jason and Deanna to have peace and get the rest their body needs. Pray for the rest of the family to have peace and be able to do whatever we can to help.

Please pray.

Our little niece has hit a road bump tonight and had to be taken back into the O.R. to try and fix whatever is going on. Her parents and sister, and all of us could really use some prayers for peace and healing. This is extremely difficult and stressful, and once we know more we will let you know how she is doing. Thank-you!

The Pictures I Never Posted!

My awesome best friend Jen had her second little boy, Landon (can I say great minds think a like because I LOVE the name Landon!)She is such a cute little Mommy and she loves her little family. She is the kind of Mom I hope I can be some day. (The blanket we wrapped Ryker in was pieces of my wedding dress that she made into a beautiful blanket for him. Someday I will share the pictures.)



This is the cake I made for Ryker's first birthday. It was nothing spectacular, and really it is supposed to look like a basketball. It was a hard day. We went to the cemetery and had a little talk with our precious babies.



Every Monday, we get the awesome opportunity every Monday to watch this cute little chunk-of-a-guy! It's our little nephew Caden and he is so sweet! He especially loves Skip, and really could sit and watch Skip run around all day! He laughs, smiles, and really is such a funny kid!



Another happening event for the fall was my sister Heather. She was WAY preggo and came down every Monday for her Dr. appts. This was a usual occurence: Heather napping with her favorite dog Skip napping along with her! Another event was her baby shower (thrown by her sistas and bestest friends!) We had lots of good fixins and just had a lot of laughs and tears!



This picture is of my Mom and Heather (can I just say how I pretty much despise the "let's see how big your preggo waist is around". It is rather just mean considering that your waist IS going to be rather extended!

I love my best friends. I love my friends. I love my family. I love my nieces and nephews. I love my many e-friends. I got to spend a lot of time with some of my nieces and nephews this fall, and they are all so cute! I loved that tonight my little nephew Ethan was so happy to see all of his family and was just soo excited! I love to spend time with all of them. This last picture is of Tatum, one of my best friends from high-school (who also works as an RN on the PICU and was an amazing support while Ryker was at the hospital, and me about a month ago. Courtney truly is the best friend a gal can have, and is going to be an amazing Mommy!



The last happening I will include in this post, I do not have a picture for. My sweet sister-in-law Deanna and I got really close this last year. We became part of a club that really we never thought we would be part of. It is the heart-mommy club. It is soo extremely difficult to see your child suffer, especially when they are so little. Gracie has brought Deanna and I so close, and I am grateful for my relationship, friendship, and sisterhood I share with her. Gracie goes into surgery tomorrow morning, so prayers please! This is a scary time, but we are putting forth a lot of faith that she will come home to us soon! Fight Gracie girl! Show them how strong and tough you are!