Little Milestone :)

I just had to share something positive tonight: our little guy was partying hard in my tummy and mike got to feel him kick for the first time!!! I have always been around 24 weeks (I will be 21 weeks on Friday) which typically has always coincided with Mike's birthday that he has been able to feel our kids kick/move. But apparently that is not early enough for our little soccer player, to get his Dad's attention, so he made his presence known to his Dad. I love this part of being pregnant, and literally miss it the moment I have our kids. Now I will have Mike poking at me, trying to get him to wiggle or kick :) Just thought I would share, since I needed something positive to relax me against the worry I have about Friday's fetal echo. I feel good about it, but will feel much better when it comes back all clear! I am being optimistic that things will look great :)

Twenty Weeks: I'm Half-Way There!!!

I cannot believe that yesterday marked the half way point of this pregnancy. These last 20 weeks (well really 15 weeks) have flown by. It has been such a nice reprieve to not have been sick the last few weeks. Really, my only two complaints are the ligament pains/pull from the baby growing and the other joys of being awoken during the night to *cough, attend to some needs. But the best part is feeling every little kick, roll, jab, poke and knowing he is healthy and moving. It is reassuring, since before18 weeks, you just want the reassurance every day that your baby is okay. And now I know that he is good, that he is growing, and if he does not move enough, I can recognize that. The day I delivered Ryker, I went about 12 hours before I felt him move. And we have too many moms that come in with babies that have stopped moving,  did not realize the lack of movement and the baby sadly sometimes has passed away. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but a lot of times if it is caught in time and they can get you delivered, things are okay. I think working in the women's area of the hospital is not always the best, because sometimes knowing so much about things that can go wrong is not always the best. I will have to take a picture of my belly (with clothes, thank-you very much) but I am popping and keep thinking "how can I get bigger?" I just forget what it is like to be short and pregnant.

I have not been able to eat normally very well. I have a hard time eating unhealthy foods. I eat a lot of fruits, some veggies, and I was eating a lot of carbs but eased off of those, since I need to take care of myself and this baby. So I made homemade granola with wheat germ, and bought some really yummy 21 grain bread. It is an adjustment, but one worth making. I wish I could have one of my friends make me a grocery list, because she looks great and eats healthier than anyone I know. But I am on my own, and I am trying. I am trying to exercise again too.

I think we have it down to two names, but that can change easily. We really like Micah. It means "who is like God? Gift from God" which is pretty perfect really. It is of Hebrew origin. Oliver is our other choice. Oliver means "extending and olive branch" and signifies an offer of peace. And heaven knows with a not even two year old, I will need a peaceful child. But than again, this baby truly is a gift from God. Maybe we will name him Micah Oliver or Oliver Micah. I think we are going to flop back and forth until he comes. Everyone we ask has a different opinions. I also look at the popularity. Oliver is # 50 in the state of Utah, Micah is not even on the list. Nationally, Micah was #118 last year, Oliver was 98. Maybe I will just start a poll, and see what name gets the most votes.

Friday I go for our fetal echo. I am still a little nervous, but really hopeful. After that appointment and my perinatology appointment the week after, I think I will truly be able to breathe a sigh of relief. I am hoping to graduate from perinatology after that, and just see my OB. I am also going to be seeing the midwives that are in the group with my OB. They will be able to give me some of the best advice for not only a VBAC, but also for trying to go natural. It is nice to be able to plan for a normal delivery at the hospital of my choice. I love where I work, and love the people. It will be fun to be able to actually have a "normal" experience. This is something I know so many other heart moms/angel moms can appreciate. Well, that's it for now. Need to go spend some time with my cute date!!!

My Wiggler

I just really try to share the positives of this pregnancy, because although I worry and am nervous, I still want to enjoy the moments I have being pregnant. With Lilly, she would kick and move here and there, but she would not respond if she was pushed on. Ryker was a whole different story. Mike loved to poke my belly and feel Ryker kick back, or put his arm around me at night and feel him try to kick his arm off, something he never got to do with Lilly. I felt Lilly move when I was a little over 16 weeks. I felt Ryker when I was 13 weeks and two days. I kept wondering when I would first feel this one move, if that was just gas or if it was the baby. So today, after having my CVS on Tuesday, I went in to my OB to make sure things were okay. They checked for a heartbeat, and although it took awhile (I am only 12 weeks and 5 days and I have never heard the heartbeat via a doppler earlier than 14 weeks) she was able to get it. It was a beautiful 171 beats per minute. The funny part, was while she was trying, the baby kept wiggling. She was pressing pretty hard a couple of times, and we heard these little "blups" with the doppler. The first one we heard, I felt before we heard it. Yup, this little wiggler (who I think today is a boy but that changes every day!!!) was kicking and I felt it. Four times to be exact. I do not think I could tire of feeling my babies move. It was a feeling I thought I would never feel again, and that made me really sad. I am not sure if I will have anymore biological children after this one. So I savor every first, and treasure these little moments. So today, while my morning sickness is not bothering me (yet) I enjoy the pregnant moments.

Our Little Baby

We went to maternal fetal medicine today. They wanted to make sure our little one was with development. Our baby was perfect (well as far as we can tell!) His/her little heart was steadily beating away at 189 beats per minute. We could see little arms and legs and he or she was just wiggling around. We did not meet long this time with our Perinatologist. Sadly, he told us that he was dealing with another couple that were facing a "twist", much like we had faced. We completely understood, because if we were in their place, we would want as much time to talk the doctor. We spent most of our time with the genetic counselor Becky (who is such a cute preggo herself!) We talked about the various tests, and discussed the genetic aspect of this baby. She gave us a great analogy. With Lilly, it was like lightening strike. When we had Ryker, it was rare, just like it would be if lightening struck again. And when you have had lightening strike you twice, you just assume lightening will strike again.  wish we have had a healthy pregnancy. I think I would not be so worried about this little one. But when you have only had some pretty sad outcomes, you just begin to expect a sad outcome. I am not a pessimist by nature, I guess I just am realistic. With that being said though, we are still hopeful. We will be having two tests in about 2 1/2 weeks. The first is a nuchal translucency and the other is a CVS. The nuchal translucency measures the nuchal fold at the neck and can show fluid built up at the back of the neck, which shows a potential for chromosomal problems and also Congenital Heart Defects (but it is not a perfect test!) After that, I will have a Chorionic Villus Sampling, and it will test for chromosomal problems. We are just taking it step-by-step, trying to get through the day. Collin keeps us busy. He is 100% a boy. He loves to be outside and loves to get hurt/get into dirt. Today, he looked like he got into a fight and lost. He cut his gums, busted his lip, scratched up his arm, and this was on top of the two goose-eggs he gave himself yesterday. Thank heavens DCFS no longer makes visits, because they would probably think he was abused. Anyways, thank-you for the kind thoughts and prayers. They really help and make such a difference. It is reassuring to get closer and closer to being able to see more, to hopefully be given the reassurance of seeing a healthy and perfect baby. Off to bed!

Crazy Dreams

I grew up one of seven kids. My maiden name is Vallen. If you know a Vallen, there are pretty much undourbtedly related immediately to me because our last name is so uncommon. All seven kids look a lot of like. Some more than others. We may all look alike, but our personalities are very different. But one thing that we seem to share are crazy dreams. I remember all to well waking up in the middle of the night because one of my brothers was sleep walking (or sleep rocking in my brother Ben's case) or hearing the crazy stories from another brother who witnessed the crazy sleep behavior. This is something that we have not grown out of. For example. my sister in law posted as her Facebook status this just last week:

I was woken up last night to having Ben spit in my face. When I asked him what in the HECK he was doing, he told me that he was trying to get the buffalo out of the kitchen. Ben would like me to let everyone know that he was spitting/hissing like a snake at the buffalo because it was supposed to scare it out of the kitchen....

My other sister-in-law posted a response underneath:  "Jamie has never woken me up to tell me that the news reporter from Family Guy is standing next to me.. nope never happened..."

See people??? I truly am not lying.Your probably wondering where I am going with this. Well as you may or may not know, when you are pregnant, for some reason dealing with hormones (because that is where it always seems to lead back to, right?) you have much more vivid dreams. This is just not a good mix with my genes of course. And the funny thing is, you remember the dreams as well!!! Poor Mike. It is too bad I cannot take Ambien right now (it is not known if it causes harm to human fetuses so it becomes a no-deal for me!) because it means that I am in more of an awake state of sleeping. My personal two funniest are one that was acted out, and one that I just remember.

My vivid dream was getting a call from my insurance. They were calling to let me know that our policy was different, that they now did c-sections elsewhere than the hospital and than you were transferred to the hospital (folllowing me?) I had two options of where I could deliver: Applebee's or Chili's (I personally went with Chili's because I love their chips and salsa!) So I had my c-section there, where I delivered a little girl named Sophie, and after we went to the hospital. Not sure what that one was all about.

I did have chocolate before bed, it might explain a lot. 

The dream that was pretty funny happened the night before the last dream. I went to bed late (stayed up reading:) and had to force myself to sleep. I did not remember what happened until the morning. Mike told me I was crazy in my sleep. I laughed at him, but than remembered what happened. In my dream, I was organizing baby clothes according to size. I was almost done except for a few that Mike happened to be hiding. I kept trying to find out what size the clothes were that he was hiding, but in real life was trying to take his pillow to "check the tag for the size." I do remember him going "Em, stop it, go back to sleep" and truly trying to rationalize with a very irrational person. I laughed, so did he, and so did everyone that he told. Anyone else have crazy sleepers in their life? Makes for some funny laughs!!! 

*Off topic here and totally unrelated, there was only ONE baby last week in the ultrasound, which brings a huge sigh of relief to this girl!!!

Amazing Doctors

Have I ever told you that those I see on a medical basis are amazing. My family practice doctor, my OBGYN, our really marvelous pediatrician, and our perinatologist. Mike and I went into the appointment nervous. The ultrasound technician took us back and tried to do an abdominal ultrasound. They could see the gestational sac, but nothing more. So she went and talked to Dr. Schemmer to see if he wanted her to do another ultrasound (and not the kind where they scan through the abdomen, if you get what I mean.) He came back with her. It truly was great to see him. We exchanged all the pleasantries and he asked about our little Collin and how excited he was for us. He talked about this little one, and his true hope that he/she would be healthy. The tech Cami scanned, while Dr. Schemmer watched the monitor with Mike and I. He pointed out what we were seeing: the gestational sac, the yolk sac, the fetal pole, and even the small flicker. The flicker is an excellent sign, because it means that the start of the heart is there (just not formed and beating like it will in a few weeks!)  He felt really good about what we were seeing, and just was really hopeful. Once I got cleaned up, we went back to his office and talked. He just told us how much he and the genetic counselor Becky really want this for us, to have a healthy and normal little baby. We talked the logistics, and the stats and possibilities. We discussed the testing that we could have, and the different steps they can take to ease the anxiety. He was really patient, so kind, and so hopeful. He wanted us to come back in two weeks, but when looking at the calendar, he realized he would be out of town. He offered to have us come next week, but we told him how about in three weeks. We set the date, and made sure that it was scheduled on a day Becky could be there too (but unfortunately a day I work again.) We will go back after that in about 2-3 weeks for some scans and testing. He said he will do an ultrasound at 16 weeks, really looking to see if there is a brain, a 4-chambered heart, and to help ease our anxiety. He will than be willing to look again at 18 weeks, but I think we will wait and go at 20 weeks for the complete full-scan and detailed ultrasound. He offered for us to come as often as needed, and to do as many scans as needed. He said he will send me to Cardiology between 22-24 weeks, and we will go from there. He walked us out, and actually hugged us. Some doctors think they are God, think they know everything and have the power to do anything. Dr. Schemmer is just humble, very personable, but also very smart (I think he had somewhere between 8-12 diplomas on his wall.) But when we commented about the wall, he said that all of those are not what important. He than pointed to a picture of his three beautiful boys, and said that on the hard days, that is the picture he looks at and takes courage. I know I am in good hands, and I know that Dr. Schemmer is going to take excellent care of us, as will Becky. Overall, really a good day. I am going to go and lay down, because really I am exhausted from today.

Bundle of Nerves for Tomorrow

I feel like I want to laugh, cry, scream, and cry some more. Not sure why, but the crying part has a lot to do with the anticipation, and just being really nervous. I know I am not that far along, and we will not be able to see the critical parts yet, but yet this appointment just seems to make this pregnancy that much more real, which gives me that much more anxiety about the the health of this little one, whom I already love so much. Anyways, just hope I can sleep tonight.............

Really Touched

 Just had to put in a few cute pictures to break up the words. This is my cute mother-in-law holding my really 

cute niece. Don't you love the cute headband (I may or may not have made it!!!)

I think a lot of people really felt like we were crazy in sharing the news of this pregnancy. This pregnancy already in so many ways reminds me of Lilly's and Ryker's. I found out I was pregnant with this little one March 11th. With Lilly, it was March 8th. With Ryker, it was March 13th with due dates of November 6th, 11th, and the 13th (I know what you are probably thinking right now, and I know, I know.) So you can imagine that having the same due dates nearly as Lilly and Ryker make me that much more of a vulnerable mess. I remember my sweet mother-in-law saying to me two years ago "well let's just not have another baby due that time of the year, that maybe changing the timing may change the outcome. I did not have much control over this. There was a higher plan. Lilly was a surprise (more for me than Mike) but at least somewhat expected. This baby is a major surprise, one we are excited for but still very much surprised. But the point is, that had we not shared the news, had we kept it a secret like most normal people do until they are at a "safer" point, we would not have the prayers and support like we do. The prayers and words buoy us up. I am convinced they are how we get through each day. A sweet friend of ours shared this quote, giving us hope for our little bean. It comes from a talk from the LDS General Conference that is held semi-annually. It is entitled Come What May and Love It by Elder Wirthlin and the words bring hope: “The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss.  That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way.  While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.” I cried at this. I know I am still going to be a mess, but I know this will help me get through, better, help us get through. There are so many feelings about this baby. I have hoped and prayed for years for a healthy child, and when that did not happen twice over, you really begin to doubt yourself. Doubt your body, and almost feel a sort of anger at it for failing you. I feel happy, I feel scared. I feel gratitude at being able to carry a child when so many long to be pregnant. For this same reason I feel sorrow and anguish for those battling infertility. I feel a sort of guilt for being pregnant, but than I remember the anguish of losing Lilly and Ryker. I truly feel gratitude to your comments, every sweet message, the e-mails and the little thoughts that help us get through this. 

 Our cute niece Gracie-girl!!! She was having fun!!!

So I simply want to say thank-you. Thank-you for the kind thoughts. Thanks to a loving Heavenly Father that knows my limitations, even though I do not always like the outcome. A dear friend and I were talking about loss. She lost her mother almost two years ago. We were discussing the peace that comes with adversity, when many feel like it is peace that things will be all right, when a lot of times it is peace to get simply get through. Sometimes the outcome may not be what you want or fought hard to get. I know this too well. So those prayers and kind thoughts buoy you up, get you through the hard times. I go to perinatology on Wednesday. I am hopeful. I do not know what will happen. I just really hope that like this talk, we will be blessed from the adversity our little family has faced. Anyways, I had best get to bed. Good-night!!!

A Little Bit of Good News

I went back to work today. I was very tired by the end, but grateful to have a job and grateful for a little bit of good news. While I was in the ER early Friday morning, they checked my HCG levels to see where they were. HCG levels can indicate miscarriage, ectopic pregnancies, and whether the pregnancy is progressing. My level was 1500, and although it was not low, the doctor wanted to see it higher, to even see it double. Apparently I was supposed to wait till the full 48 hours (misunderstood that one) so that my number could truly double (Mike told me this after I had the test drawn, because in my defense, I was pretty snockered) so at about 29 hours, my number had pretty much doubled. It went from 1500 to 2940. I was pretty tickled!!! I am just glad that this little one is growing. I cannot wait for Wednesday. I cannot wait to map out a plan, and to see how this little one is developing. We get to meet with one of our favorite perinatologists Dr. S. He saw us through nearly every perinatology appointment with Ryker, and is very smart. Well, I had better get to bed. 

I have been exhausted and need some extra sleep!!!

Not a Fan of Morphine :)

Last night, as I was getting into bed, I had this weird pain. Now this 11 o'clock, I work in the morning at 6am, and I have already had my Ambien. The pain got worse and worse, until after an hour I could not stand it anymore. Mike called the OBGYN who told us that if was bad enough, to head over the ER. Thankfully my little brother and sister-in-law came over (with my cute niece Khloe who is three weeks almost) and sat with sleeping Collin while we headed to the ER. They drew blood, hooked up an IV, and gave me some morphine (DEFINITELY NOT my drug of choice!) They did an ultrasound of various organs, and even checked the view on the little gestational sac and yolk sac which hopefully next time will show the little bean or beanette in there with his or her heart beating! They checked my HCG level and although it was good, they still wanted a repeat to make sure it continues that way. So they came out with nothing conclusive, and we went home after 3 hours. Mike and I crashed, and he was sweet enough to wake up with Collin this morning (have I mentioned how much I love my hubby and how good he is too me???) So I woke up feeling like complete crap, and I feel like an onry narcoleptic because I will be sitting there and I will pass out unintentionally. I am pretty sure that somewhere in my sleep a MAc truck ran over me, backed up, and did it again because I feel like I have been run over and my head will not quit working. The plus to being home today is that the genetic counselor (Becky) called me to see how we were doing. That's right, to the lady who schedules the appointments, I truly am on a first name basis. :) The scheduler was telling Becky about my phone-call and our history when she stopped her midsentence and told the scheduler to get her our number that she was going to call us. We chatted, and she was so sweet and so supportive. She will not be there next Wednesday when we are supposed to go (another gal will be) but she just wanted to let us know that they understand how stressful and anxious we are, but that she was really excited for this. She also discussed some of the testing she wanted us to consider. One of them is a CVS (chorionic villus sampling) which checks for a whole slew of problems between weeks 10-12. They collect chorionic villus cells and biopsy them. Here is an excellent link explaining what CVS is and what in entails. I even watched one on You Tube, and it reminds me of the amniocentesis I have had, but different. The results come in more quickly than an amniocentesis and can tell if you have a child that has problems with chromosomes or a genetic disorder. Anyways, I am going to try and fall asleep now, since my night last night really did me in (cannot seem to get the ambien or the effects of the morphine out of my system. In writing this, I have dozed off several times. Thank-you everyone for your prayers and support. 

We feel the love and support and it really means a lot.

A Hard Day

Today just was not a good day for me. I think the gravity of being pregnant really set it. Sadly, it was the nurses that got the brunt of the breakdown.  I've truly begun to hate the statistics. I believe in God. I know he has a plan for our family. I am just not sure I will like the plan he has for our little family. I just know really that my family cannot begin to handle losing another niece or nephew. I went to see my OBGYN's partner so that I could get the referral I needed for Perinatology. The OB was really wonderful, (I work with him at the hospital) and he talked to me about the past and the possible chances of having another child born with the same problems as Lilly and Ryker. Our risks are lower with Lilly's Holoprosencephaly repeating itself, but the risk is still there and higher for us. And the risk of a heart defect is much higher. Dr. A was wonderful. He took the time to talk about my worries and the need for higher doses of Folic Acid. He said he felt that I definitely need to see the doctors at Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM), and to be seen as soon as I could. I could not have asked for better support from him. I genuinely felt like he cared and was concerned. He took me out to his nurse to get MFM on the phone and get something scheduled for us next week. She got on the phone to MFM, to the gal who does their scheduling. Dr. A's nurse said they would not let us come on Monday,  because we had to see the perinatology on a day that the genetic counselor (who we know really well) was going to be there, even though we probably were not even going to need to see her. She had nothing open on Tuesday (when I was available and not working), so she only had openings Wednesday and Fridays, when I work 12 hour shifts. Dr. A's nurse let me talk to the gal. I tried to explain that I needed my husband there, which only could happen on Monday, and that we are on a first-name basis with the genetic counselor (her name is Becky) and not only that, we met with Dr. Rope the geneticist for quite some time (I think the appointment took two hours) up at Primary's and knew the potential statistics that could give us problems. She said despite all of that, we still needed to be there when the geneticist would be available. She than asked the killer,"Why do you feel the rush to be seen?" I squelched back the tears. About all that I got out to her was that if she had gone through this, she might understand. I handed the phone back, just feeling the hot tears curse down my cheeks, burying my head into Collin. I knew that my words would no longer make sense, that I would be not be understandable soon, that it would do no good to speak any further. I realize I probably over-reacted, I also realize I have hormones raging through my body. But I also realize that without these little insignificant-to-most reassurances, I am going to be a mess. I sobbed on-and-off for hours. The reality is hitting me. I am scared. I am worried for this little one. I do not have the control. I have no say in what the outcome could be. Before my I was called back for the appointment, I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called back, looking around at women who's biggest worry was what items they would be registering for, and if it would be a boy or girl,who to tell first what the ultrasound results were.  I am not saying I do not think about whether this little one will be a boy or girl, I just wish that I did not have to worry about this baby making it to his or her first birthday. I just wish I could enjoy this time, and not stress. I know everyone stresses during a pregnancy, but prior to finding out about Lilly's problem, I was pretty oblivious to the world of things going wrong with your children. It just is something you never expect. I am a lot better than I was a few hours a go. I calmed down, I ate a little bit of In-and-Out (oh yes, a horrible decision I realize but very much needed.!) I hope I do not come off as unappreciative or ungrateful about being pregnant, I just know my limitations, and my families limitations with loss.So sorry about the hormonal vent. 

It really just feels good to get it off my chest.

My Intake Appointment

I do not think I really need to explain why we would be a lot little anxious about the health of our little baby (*side note here: I would not change what has happened in our life, because truly through tribulation comes blessings, and Collin is a huge blessing in our life that we would not have had were it not for losing Collin. I am in no way discounting the miracles Lilly and Ryker truly are. I just do not want to say goodbye to another child, it hurts too much.) So with this journey, I feel like we have good reason to be a bit on edge with worry. I went to the doctor today. I had what they call an intake appointment. What happens at an intake is they gather a lot of paperwork, gather your information and family/personal history, and set things up for the pregnancy. They also draw blood to check blood type, HIV statuc, Hepatitis B status, to see if you will need any necessary immunizations once you are no longer pregnant, and a few other. The nurse was wonderful. She was sweet, funny, and understanding of this hard situation. My official due date is November 13th. I have to go back on Thursday to meet with one of the OB's so that I can get a referral to see Perinatology. The nurse recommended being seen between 6-8 weeks at Perinatology, which gives my anxious heart a little reprieve. I know we will probably not be able to get a good picture of the heart, or even to get a clear picture of the brain, but truly, and I think others can relate to this feeling, just seeing the baby and seeing the heart beating brings a little peace. And I know that to continue to function and not be a basket case, I will need a lot of reassurances. I am also doing research into some of the other testing available. I have had two amniocentesis (the second with Ryker hurt so bad) so I am looking into the different tests they offer since amniocentesis seem more painful the further along you get.  This all may seem silly, but for some reason it helps. I realize we are not in control of this situation. But I feel like if there is a plan, I can have some semblance of normality in my life, and I can feel like I kind of have a little control. I also have my suspicions as to what this baby will be. I do not want to openly share my guess, but all's I am saying is that I am pretty good at guessing with our family and friends, and have been right on for both Lilly and Ryker amongst other nieces and nephews. I could of course be wrong, but here is the funny part. My mother-in-law has been flawless with guessing her Grandchildren (she is 7 for 7 since we already knew Collin was a boy) and her guess for this baby is opposite of mine. I am not 100% on my guess quite yet, but I just feel it, just like I felt "it" with Lilly and Ryker. That is one part I am excited about. Something we do have to look forward to :) We will know a little more next week as to what the plan for us will be.

And one year ago tomorrow we met this beautiful boy. It was a lucky St. Patty's Day for us. We were filled with such hope, that even though we were not bringing him home right than, we still got to hold the little guy who would be ours someday. It was a great day!!!

(Note the little St. Patty's outfit!) 

So Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

The Crazies

I know without a doubt, that what has happened in our life was what was meant to happen. You see, had we not lost Lilly, and than Ryker, we would not have Collin in our home. Yes, we did struggle for a year and half with trying to get pregnant, with really no explanation as to why it was not working out. We had our adoption papers in for six of the months of our "trying" time. We were hoping that whatever way our family grew, we would be able to have a healthy child that we could hope for a future with. Collin is that child. He has given us hope. He made us believe that it would not be Mike and I (and of course our dog Skip!) for the rest of our life. I wanted the aching, empty arms to stop. Collin filled our arms, our hearts, and has touched his family and friends (he really expects instant friends status pretty much the moment he meets someone!) and helped our hearts to heal. I do not know what will happen with this baby. I know what the statistics are for us. I know what the geneticist at Primary Children's told us. Statistics are interesting to us. With Lilly, she stood a mere 1% to be born alive, and a mere 1% again to survive more than 1-2 hours if she was born alive. So when we beat those statistics with having her live 5 weeks, we felt like the 85% survival with Ryker was a set thing. But than to have him crash at seven weeks of age and have to say goodbye all over again to another child, I began to think the statistics had failed me. When I was pregnant with Ryker, I was convinced there was something wrong long before I found out what exactly was wrong. We than became a one-in-a-million to have had a daughter like Lilly (who other than her brain was completely healthy) and than have a heart child like Ryker.

 This little one was not in our plan. I was not ready (or better we were not ready) to go down this road.

 Just had to break up all the words with a picture from Collin's 1 year check-up!!!

We knew that once life settled down (way down the road) that we would look at our options. We had even discussed this week getting our foster care license renewed this month. A huge part of me thought I would never carry another child again, that we would not get pregnant. And than bam. I am hoping (since that is all I can really do) that with this being so unexpected that it was meant to be, that a third time is a charm, that we will have a healthy little baby. It is my hope, the only thing I really have to hold to. Having Collin keeps me busy. He helps me to be distracted. I will insist on being followed closely by my doctor and perinatology.  I will insist on having ultrasounds as often as needed to keep from going nuts. I know not everyone is able to carry a child. It is something I am very sensitive to. But I remember the feeling of going crazy with worry when I was last pregnant. It can be consuming. So I am hoping that the reassurance will help, that this little baby will continue to bring healing into our lives. So begins the journey for the next 8 months, 245 days, 35 (technically 34). Weeks 4 and 5 are when the heart develops, so I am trying to do everything possible to try and be calm, to send good vibes for development. Our hope is that were there to be a problem, it is a simple problem and can be fixed/addressed easily. I'd better sign off for now.