Perfection (or Imperfection) in Motherhood

Returning from a wonderful vacation with my in-laws was really kind of easy, and so hard in many ways (and I promise I will dedicate a post to that very soon) but the entire time I was away from my little men, I missed them. I missed having the gorgeous little tan boy with the heart-melting eyes put his arms around my neck and hug me, I missed the chubby hands of his brother, missed kissing them, and having him ask "I hold you?" It was hard to be away, good in sooo many ways, but hard. I think I have developed a certain level of anxiety that comes from losing Lilly and Ryker. I remember that after Ryker passed just wanting to go back up to the hospital and have him be there, so I could kiss his little hands and feet. So when Mike leaves for work, or when I have to leave my kids, I honestly worry and wonder if this will be the last time I see them. So to be reunited with my little guys was tremendously sweet to me. 

I have done a lot of soul searching in the last few weeks. You always want to try to be the best mom, and I frequently find myself laying in bed at night, wondering what my boys think of the job I am doing. Will the look back with horror at my failings, or will they remember me as a mom who tried to do her best? That is the question, and that I think that is my motivation. My mom tried, but she had such a learning curve coming from an abusive mom. I want to do better. I wish I had perfect patience. But that is a lesson I will just continue learning. But this was my realization today: 

 Motherhood is truly not about being perfect: motherhood means being there, and trying with everything you have to just love those little ones. I fail, on a daily basis sadly, in some aspect while trying, but I just have to keep on trying again. Heavenly Father never meant it to be easy, and I think it is accepting that this is not going to be easy, but my "trying" is all He can ask. And that frees me of any guilt of the feelings of what I did not get accomplished in the day.

And because of that, there is hope. 

Comings and Goings

We moved down to our current home about 15 months ago. I had a hard adjustment at first, living far away from our families, trying to adjust to a longer commute, and going to one car. But we knew the move was what was right for our family. It allowed us to pay some medical bills off, but really taught us such a valuable life lesson. It is a lesson Lilly and Ryker had both started to teach, and one we will continue to learn, but one we have really gotten a better grasp on. Because when life gets hard, sad, scary, you have to learn to rely on your family. Mike and I were able to grow closer here, Jacob and Collin had to really learn to get along, and it made us appreciate the time we were able to spend together.

Now, another step in our life is coming, and that is moving back to the immediate area we moved away from. We will once again be closer to our families, and I feel like it has given us a whole new perspective. I am excited to be able to make a short commute home, excited for my boys to see their Grandparents more, and other extended family, and really excited to be closer to our doctors (especially with me hitting the 3rd trimester here in a few weeks). What will be hard is finding and giving our beloved dog a new home (although I am really hoping my brother will take him) and seeing my boys miss their dog.

I wanted to share some pictures of a fun day we had together, as my schedule now allows Mike and I to be off every other weekend together, and it was really nice to spend our first Saturday at the splash-pad together. Sorry for the photobomb, but they were just some really fun and cute pictures.
Our fetal echo is this week, so I will update with that news, hopefully receiving the all clear. Off to bed, as this pregnant gal needs her rest. :)