Can't sleep.

It's 12:36 am, and I can not sleep! I just got my grades tonight, and I did really well. Love the A's. But the one class that was super easy I did not get an A in. I am going to e-mail the teacher, because I am not sure what happened considering that I had A's and B's on all of my assignments. I have been debating for awhile what I want to be when I grow up. I have always wanted to either teach or do nursing. And while I love nursing, I also love to teach. I am considering switching my major back to education, and going that route. The cruddy thing about nursing is the weekends and the holidays. I just do not know. They both feel right, it is just hard to pin down a decision. I hate the rat-race that nursing school is. The average GPA for nursing students this last fall at UVU was a 3.93!!! And while I honestly am a pretty good student, I do have work and want a life too. Teaching is still hard work, don't get me wrong, it just seems like a better fit a lot of times. I think for now I will just keep taking classes toward both, and see where the wind takes me. I have an appt. to see my doctor and have a thyroid scan planned for tomorrow. This kind of stuff FREAKS me out, because ever since my Grandpa died when I was 10 at the young age of 50 from cancer, and my Grandma and her 5 sisters all having cancer, I worry that I will get it. So I am hoping for just some thyroid condition; the symptoms lead me towards maybe hypothyroidism, but who knows. Sorry for such a long post, it just helps to get my thoughts out there.

A Huge Goal.

I am starting a HUGE lifestyle change this week. This lifestyle change is sadly a major part of my life: food. When I say food, I am mostly talking more about an emotional aspect of my life rather than a physical aspect. And specifically, I am talking about the food that I love and really cannot say no to (Olive Garden, Rib City's Three Cheese Fries, lots and lots of bread, lots of other carbs and sugars since thus far in my life, I have considered myself a carbivore!) This is a huge change, one of the biggest I have ever tried to make. It is a pretty controversial diet, but I am doing it under the strict supervision of a nurse practitioner, several doctors, and a nutritionist. I had to have a full on physical, and even had blood work done before I could start the diet. It is the HCG diet, and it is not a diet you take lightly. I start Wednesday, eating whatever I want, loading up on a lot of food both Wednesday and Thursday, and then severally reducing my caloric intake the next 21 days. I will most likely do 2 to 3 cycles, taking 3 week breaks between each cycle. I do not expect everyone to understand, or even like how I am going about doing this. I would not even recommend it to everyone. But what I do ask is that you are supportive and respectful of what I am doing. This is hard, and the more support I get the better. I started another blog to document my journey. You can follow me by clicking here. Thank-you ahead of time for your support. I appreciate it.

Ever Amazed

I am always amazed at life. Mike and I have spent five Christmases as husband and wife. I would have to say that this year was my least favorite. Mike and I both work at the hospital, and one of the not so great perks is that there are always sick people and always women having babies. Needless to say, Mike worked all day, while I was on-call. And although this made for an anticlimactic day, I got in a MUCH needed 2 1/2 hour nap (in my defense I had gotten up at 0530 to drive Mike to work with the car that does well when we are bombarded with snow!)
Most of this last week has been spent at the hospital with my sister. Sadly, my house suffered because my attentions were spent elsewhere. So my house had come to the point where it was overwhelming me. My sister Heather came over, saw the house was messy, and started cleaning and straightening. It was so sweet of her, especially since she just had a baby only 4 days prior.
Another amazing part of my life is this blog. It is so healing for me to blog, to express emotions and thoughts. What I am most amazed about this blog is you, the people who read it. When I started blogging 10 or 11 months ago, I thought it would just be something a few friends would read and an outlet for the grief we were going through. I never imagined all those who would read it. I try to keep track of where my readers are coming from through a software that allows me to feel a little bit safer. I was looking today, and there are people reading all across the U.S.A., Canada, the United Kingdom, Spain, Columbia, New Zealand, and more. I think it is important to have a voice, to be able to talk and vent, laugh and cry, and let people know the real side of what our family is. I just wanted to say thank-you for those who read this blog. Thank-you for the comments, they lift and inspire me.

Merry Christmas

This was such an amazing week, and it seems to have gone by so quickly. I am so glad it is Christmas. I love Christmas day; I love my Savior and it is also a day that gives us a chance to look forward to the next year and the happiness to come. I am so grateful for a loving Savior. Lately, Mike and I have been sad a lot more then we normally are. I know, we have good reason to be, well actually two good reasons. But I am hoping to get out of the rut, and be more grateful. Getting a new nephew for Christmas and having Gracie here have truly made my Christmas. Presents really do not matter, family matters. Yesterday, I was sitting at the hospital with Heather, Tatum was under the bilirubin lights for his jaundice, and so we went downstairs to get some lunch. The girl that was working in the Pink Shop Cafe was a friend of ours from the neighborhood we moved to when we first moved out here. We were visiting with her, when her Dad and little brother came in. We visited for awhile, and as I got up to leave, her Dad followed after me. This kind man was not only my German teacher my senior year of highschool, but he also was the Bishop of the ward we lived in. He spoke to me these kind words, "I can imagine that right now your arms are aching from the emptiness you are feeling, but know that your sweet babies will be with you at this time of year. The Lord has not forgotten you, take peace in that." Tears welled up in my eyes. I hugged and thanked him. Such simple words, but such peaceful words for a soul that lately has been anything but peaceful. So today, this amazing Christmas day, spread the peace and love that this day is all about.
Merry Christmas.

My New Nephew

I now am the proud Aunt to a little nephew. My sister (his Mom) and I are about as close in age as you can be besides being twins (10 1/2 months). She found out she was pregnant at my house (using one of my many pee-sticks) and now nine months later, he is here! We just love him, we all cried when he was born. It was so beautiful! I was there when a friend of mine delivered her little girl and I thought it was awesome. But this was so much more incredible! In our LDS religion, we believe that there are times when the veil between this earth and the here after is very thin. This was one of those moments. My brother-in-law gave my sister and LDS blessing and you could feel such a strong spirit in the room. I know Lilly and Ryker were there, celebrating their sweet cousin into the world. My sister ended up only pushing for about 20 minutes, and even had to stop so the doctor could come. Heather did great, especially for a first time Mom. Since I work on the mother/baby floor, I was allowed to go where most can't. I gave him his first little bath (which he was not very happy about) and even weirdly assisted the doctor with his circumcision. I love being an aunt. We now have 3 nephews and 2 nieces.

Tatum

I experienced an amazing miracle today, the miracle of birth. I will post pictures and more info. I love being an aunt.

Just a hard week.

I wish this week were easier. There is so much on my mind that honestly I think I am going to implode. I am usually a half-glass-full gal, but I will be honest, it is a half-glass-empty week. Mike went to a new cardiologist yesterday, and even the cardiologist picked up on my negativity. It is just one of those weeks, where the fates are conspiring against me. I just have to hold on, and truck on through. I think the greatest gift to me would be little bit of warm weather (hello Hawaii, not really, but I wish). So if you know anyone with extra tickets to Hawaii, send then our way! I am almost finished with finals and I am welcoming the break. I am hoping to have my sanity back soon (at least part of it!)

Ryker's Angel Day

I would like to make a few disclaimers: this post is unusually long, and full of pictures. Some of these pictures are of Ryker, after he had passed away. Remember, it is extremely difficult to share these, but they need to be shared. This is a hard day, but the knowledge of the gospel lifts us.

I wish I could say that it does not hurt. I wish I can say there were not a lot of tears. But part of mourning is letting our hurt show, mourning together. I wanted to share how this day came to be. So I will start at the very beginning.

Saturday, December 15, 2007, was a day Mike and I and our family looked forward for a long time. Ryker had been intubated for seven weeks, and we were so excited to finally experience the joys of having him extubated. The whole week prior, they had been trialing and exercising him in preparation for the day. They were planning to extubate him the night before, but it was my first night back to work, and so I asked if they could wait for Mike and I to both be there. (I am so glad that I am a pushy Mom because I could not imagine if we had not been there, I shutter to consider the possibility) Saturday morning, I came home from work, slept for a few hours and we headed up to Primary's. Mike, his Mom, and I stood there with tears of joy, as they removed Ryker's breathing tube. That first little cry brought tears to all, even the doctors. It was amazing!



After about 30 minutes, we were both starving and went down to get some food. We hurried through, and on our way back to his room, stopped to say hi to a couple of heart families and share our amazing news. One of our favorite nurses Ken let us know that he thought they were reintubating Ryker. We headed into his room, and sure enough, they were. It was hard, because he had only been extubated for about 45 minutes. But we knew this was a very real possibility.  Even after they quickly intubated, we watched as his oxygen levels dropped from the 60's, to the 50's,  the 40's, the 30's, and down to the teens and 20's. I remember yelling out "NO!", when I saw them wheel the blue crash cart, just thinking this could not be happening.  We called our families, and I recall begging and pleading for them to please hurry up there, that something was desperately wrong. Shauntelle, another heart Mom, came and brought us soft tissues and just hugged us. A short while later, our families started arriving, and that's when the the cardiothorasic surgeon and cardiologist came to talk with us. Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Yetman were honest and kind with us, telling us that the only option we had at that point was to surgically place Ryker onto the ECMO machine. Dr. Hawkins let us know that he did not feel like it was the best option. Ryker's o2 were at 19 then, and had been for about 40 min. We just felt so overwhelmingly knew that it was time to say goodbye, and without more then a simple nod to one another, Mike and I told them it was time. Heavenly Father was calling our sweet, sweet baby boy home.



We went into his room, and took some pictures, and I began removing IV's, lines, and leads, as they were no longer needed. The veil was so thin, and the peace there was tremendous. Mike, my Dad, his Dad, and one or two brother-in-laws gave him a name and blessing, while the nursing team pushed in a huge couch, so that Mike and I could hold our sweet baby for one last time.



They put Ryker in our arms and we held him, enjoying our last earthly moments we had with sweet Ryker. They removed the breathing tube and Ryker quickly passed from this world. It just broke our hearts. Our family then took turns holding Ryker's little body, as none of them had had the chance previously, since he had been so sick.




My dear sister-from-other-misters were there to support us. Abby was pregnant with her little first at the time, and Courtney worked in the PICU that Ryker lived his short seven weeks in.



One of my favorite things that I have from my baby's passing is the beautiful hand and foot molds they did for us. This is a picture of us when they were doing Ryker's hand molds.



I love this picture. I love the bond these two brothers and best friends share. Jason was always kind of an extra part to Mike. He was an extension and he has been there for Mike on some dark, hard days. I can only imagine that because Mike and Jason are so close and share so much, that Jason understands better than most the pain and heartache.



My sister Megan. I do not need to convey the love she has for Ryker. The picture is worth a million words, words that would never describe the love.



One of my favorite pictures is Mike holding Ryker. I am sorry to other Dads, I am a bit biased, but I have yet to meet a man who adores his children more. The reason why I love this picture is the overwhelming peace that is shown in Mike's face, and as I write this, I feel that peace again.





I am grateful for the knowledge I have of being sealed to Ryker and Lilly. We mourn the loss of our angel, and know that he will comfort us through this hard time. I look forward to the day I will see my babies again, and hold them to me. We love you Ryker, and honor you this day.

Memories

I fell asleep crying last night. I hate falling asleep crying. Ryker's angel day is quickly approaching, and I started entertaining the thoughts and emotions that I was going through last year. The last week of Ryker's life was such a joyful one. These two pictures were taken exactly one year ago today. It was an AMAZING day, one filled of Mom finally being able to hold her baby after SIX LONG WEEKS! Six weeks people! It was incredibly hard to watch your precious baby each day, and not be able to do anything more than touch him and talk to him. This precious gift was given to me, and I know without a shadow of a doubt this was truly a blessing from my loving Father-in-Heaven. Ryker behaved for a whole minute, and than was p-o'd, and I was eager to hand him back. This was a doubly cool day, because the Utah Jazz came to Primary's! These two kind gentleman (see the picture below) are Ronnie Brewer and Paul Milshap (I apologize if I butchered those names, Mike is the Jazz fan.) They were so nice, soo tall, and it truly was an amazing day. I wish I could have that day again, I wish I could hold Ryker in my arms, just one more day. I miss him. We miss him.

Dear Santa

I have been a pretty good girl this year. I tried to be more Christlike, tried to make it to every Sunday-school class instead of talking in the foyer while Mike held my seat. I did my best to keep my house clean (not including times when I was in school or tending nieces/nephews on the days off) and did my best to make my bed 9okay, maybe not but there was some effort put forth. So in light of all my goodness, I have made a couple of requests for the coming Christmas and into this next year.

First, I would like a baby. You know my history, and you know I've done my best to make it happen, but it looks like it is going to take a A LOT of extra help in getting this accomplished. (Or maybe just help to get our name out there!)I;m not picky. I do have a TON of little girl clothes and I do make bows, but I love those little boys too. Just as long as it is one we can keep for a long, long time.

Number two. I would like my body back. I noticed when I looked in the mirror this morning, that someone had switched my body for a chubbier one. Realizing that I only am 6 pounds away from when I had the first, it would only seem polite to help me find my body once more. So if you could kindly return the pre-marriage body, that wold be great!!!

Number three. I just want a house. This may seem big, but I know it can happen when you are in charge.

Number four and five. I would like two electronic items. The first is photoshop, the second is the movie Penelope. I know that one is a lot cheaper than the other, but think of all I could do!!!

So remember Santa, I will be extra good next year, if you could politely overlook my shortcomings this year.

Love,
Emily G.

P.S. I am approx. 8 posts away from my 100th, so I am looking for some ideas to celebrate. Let me know of any thing you can think of!

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

*Just a warning, there are some pictures further down in the post that show Ryker after he has passed. I have never posted pictures of Ryker after his passing, so this makes me feel somewhat vulnerable; so if you are somewhat faint of heart, just know I love my Dad and want to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!*

Monday is my Dad's birthday. Tonight, our family is celebrating this happy occasion. I just wanted to share some things that I love about my Dad.
I have always been somewhat of a Daddy's girl. Growing up, my Dad was able to convince me to do things when my Mom was not. He is a spiritual man, and I always said I wanted to marry someone like my Dad (and if you know my Dad and Mike, they share a lot in common!) He is so obedient, loves to find out more about our ancestors, and just really loves his family (no matter what we do). He is also incredibly stubborn (this is where I get my stubborn streak), but is also the most patient person.



My dad is an amazing Grandfather too. My Dad probably saw Ryker nearly everyday of his short life. He loved Lilly so much, but there was a stronger connection between Ryker and his Grandpa. He would just sit with him and talk to him, and Ryker would just stare at him with his sweet eyes.



In the pictures above, you can just see how someone so small could have such a strong impact on such a spiritual giant. You can see the sincerity of love he has for his family. It was so hard for him to have to say goodbye to two Grandbabies. He is such an amazing man. I am humbled to be able to call him my Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad!!! We love you and are so happy to call you family!!!
P.S. This next week is hard for our family. A week from Monday marks Ryker's first angel day,(an angel day is the day of someone's passing, specifically children.) So if you all could please say some extra prayers in our behalf, we would be so grateful.