Aching

I have been in a strange funk. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am. But I just feel broken. I think that when you lose a child (or two) there is this horrid hole that is left forever. Try as you can to fill in that void, but you never will. I love my boys so much, but I still ache to hold my sweet Ryker and Lilly. I wish I could be taking Lilly to school each day. I do not wish them to be in pain, because as a mother, our babies should have to be poked and such, but darn it, I want to hold them, to tuck them in each night, to love them. I hate how snappy I have been lately. I honestly feel crazy. Happy one moment, crying and angry the next, and the cycle continues each day. It is so interesting how the cycle of grieving seems just to continue and continue. I would have thought five and six years later, I would be okay. I have been to counseling, but I keep hearing the "you are fine, and what your feeling is appropriate." But I do not feel like I am normal, nor do I ever feel like I will be. How can you be normal when you have carried, held, and loved such perfect little babies, but then had them plucked out of your arms, and then you are supposed to just be okay? I love Heavenly Father, but I do not always understand the trials he requires of us. That is all. I will take my sad mopey self, and enjoy my favorite time of year, all the while having it be the worst time of year all at once. I promise a cuter and more positive post will be along shortly. Just needed to vent this and get this off my chest.

Time

I have been reminiscing over the last month. Mike's sweet youngest brother is getting married. Oddly enough, he is the same age Mike was when he got married, and he is marrying a darling girl, that also is  the same age I was when I get married. And they are even getting married the same month we got married, some 8 years later. This is the last of Mike's siblings to marry, and it gives us much cause to celebrate, as we are so excited to welcome a new sister-in-law.

I have been reading my old journal entries, seeing how young and naive I was 8 years ago. I look at who I am today, and I almost wish I could be a mix of what I was then, and what I am today. I was a lot slower to anger then, and had a lot more patience. But I did not know what was important then, like I do today. I did not realize how important family was, how they should come first in everything. I did not know the value of all things homemade. (I have a theory on this I will have to share some time.) I did not realize how much better a quilt, sewn in love, was versus their store-bought counter parts. I did not realize the value in items passed down from one generation to the next.

I did not know how important the small moments were. I was always looking for the next big thing, instead of focusing on those smaller moments. What I would not give for those moments Mike and I spent together, just sitting, holding hands, loving each other. Or those moments when I was pregnant, planning for our little babies. I told a friend once to relish and cherish those moments before kids, because although kids are wonderful and the best part of my day, I will never have those moments back.

I would tell my younger self to get school finished, to focus on my education, so that I could enjoy my babies even more. I would know that sometimes cheaper is not always better, to look at the quality, not the quantity. I know I have so much more to learn. And some of those lessons will hurt, but I look forward to the person I continue to become. I just wish I could be handed the patience aspect.

Turning Through the Years.......

"Turning, turning, turning through the years
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes. Nothing ever can
Round about the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!"

I have long loved the musical Les Miserables (do not even get me started as to how excited I am about the musical coming out!) The words above are lyrics, lyrics to one of the songs that is in Les Miserables. We attended the annual Heart Walk for our heart group Intermountain Healing Hearts today. I love this event every year, just because I get to see some of the people we love so dearly, a few of which were there with us when Ryker was alive. Sometimes it feels as if those days were dreams, both bitter and sweet. Did I ever hold him?Was that a horrible or dream, or real life, when I wiped the blood that was pouring out from my baby's bottom and mouth, and wait the 4 excruciating hours for him to come out of surgery, or just to hear if he was still here with us? Did I really bathe that sweet baby, and read to my sweet slightly-drugged baby each and every day? Did I honestly tell the many doctors and nurses to stop trying to save his life, that his time had come to leave this world and did I really say goodbye to the sweet baby I had carried for 9 months just 15 days before Christmas?
 At the angel ceremony this morning, they had us say the name of our angel, and say how long it had been since he passed. "Ryker John Gourley, it will be 5 years in December." 5 years??? Where has that time gone? Was that time ever here? Would I really have a kindergartener now, with another starting next year? Would I be a little less broken and a bit more sane?
And as I stood there, helping pass out names after, I read the names of those that had gone before, and had since gone after. There were too many. I read each and every name, my mind hugging each of the families that experience what we experience, that understand why we are so broken. I started to wonder today if after losing a child, if you ever feel really whole again. I do not think so. I know that no matter how many stitches, I am forever changed. Perhaps for the better, but maybe for the worse.  Possibly a little of both. 

I miss Lilly. I look at little girl things sometimes, praying I will be able to have another little girl someday. I miss the little experiences that I would be doing. I miss being able to try out hair styles, I miss picking out little frilly outfits for my princess. Maybe someday I will have that again, and maybe it will not be until I pass from this world. But I know that emptiness will still be there, no matter how many or few little dresses hang in our house. 

I had best get to bed, I just needed to vent this, needed to feel the release of the words from inside. I am okay as I will ever be. This time of year will always be hard, as we near the birthday month. Thank-heavens for two sweet and darling little boys that keep me distracted.

It Happened the First Week in September.....

 So here are some photos to update our little happenings, as we finally bit the bullet and bought another camera (praying we do not lose/break this one!)

My boys love to be silly before bedtime. I think bedtime is one of my favorite times of the day. Mike is home, I am home, and of course Collin and Jacob are there too. The boys are clean (and smell so good!) dinner is over, and we get to read lots of books and play horsey with Daddy too!

Last week, Mike sent me up to Park City to spend some time with my sisters and Mom (and Suzie and Cody too!) It was honestly so much fun! We headed up to Park City, ate at the best Italian restaurant, and enjoyed the beauty of this time of year (the leaves change a bit earlier then ours do as Park City is at a higher altitude.) We did pedicures and manicures, while listening to my mom snore softly, taking us back to the days when Megan used to let us come into her room and play. We laughed so much, and were quite tired in the morning when we woke up.

See how pretty???

We woke up the next morning, pretty early, and hit Swiss Days. There are so many vendors, so many fun ideas, and some pretty decent food to boot. 

I look forward to Swiss Days each year, as it is just a rare fun moment where Utah puts on an actual craft-show, with the delicious foods to go right along with it.

Next came Labor Day, which was spent with my side, as Mike had to work. It was just a long day. I think I was still tired from my trip, plus I do not like celebrating holidays without Mike (something we have had to do since having kids.) 

I only took the first picture, and I actually am not sure who took the other two, but I love how cute and sweet little Suzie is! She is such a joy to all of us.

And to round out the first few days of September, Collin started joy-school (neighborhood run pre-school, where six moms (including myself) all take turns doing pre-school, two days a week, for an hour and a half. So we took some second-day (the camera was left at my mom's the first day) pictures. Collin is such a trooper. It's a wonder that first children do so well, as they are the guinea pigs. Collin is such a funny kid, and although has his moments, is really a big sweetheart. (And please ignore the dirty carpet, it is already scheduled to be clean and hopefully replaced in the near future!)