"Turning, turning, turning through the years
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes. Nothing ever can
Round about the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!"
I have long loved the musical Les Miserables (do not even get me started as to how excited I am about the musical coming out!) The words above are lyrics, lyrics to one of the songs that is in Les Miserables. We attended the annual Heart Walk for our heart group Intermountain Healing Hearts today. I love this event every year, just because I get to see some of the people we love so dearly, a few of which were there with us when Ryker was alive. Sometimes it feels as if those days were dreams, both bitter and sweet. Did I ever hold him?Was that a horrible or dream, or real life, when I wiped the blood that was pouring out from my baby's bottom and mouth, and wait the 4 excruciating hours for him to come out of surgery, or just to hear if he was still here with us? Did I really bathe that sweet baby, and read to my sweet slightly-drugged baby each and every day? Did I honestly tell the many doctors and nurses to stop trying to save his life, that his time had come to leave this world and did I really say goodbye to the sweet baby I had carried for 9 months just 15 days before Christmas?
At the angel ceremony this morning, they had us say the name of our angel, and say how long it had been since he passed. "Ryker John Gourley, it will be 5 years in December." 5 years??? Where has that time gone? Was that time ever here? Would I really have a kindergartener now, with another starting next year? Would I be a little less broken and a bit more sane?
And as I stood there, helping pass out names after, I read the names of those that had gone before, and had since gone after. There were too many. I read each and every name, my mind hugging each of the families that experience what we experience, that understand why we are so broken. I started to wonder today if after losing a child, if you ever feel really whole again. I do not think so. I know that no matter how many stitches, I am forever changed. Perhaps for the better, but maybe for the worse. Possibly a little of both.
I miss Lilly. I look at little girl things sometimes, praying I will be able to have another little girl someday. I miss the little experiences that I would be doing. I miss being able to try out hair styles, I miss picking out little frilly outfits for my princess. Maybe someday I will have that again, and maybe it will not be until I pass from this world. But I know that emptiness will still be there, no matter how many or few little dresses hang in our house.
I had best get to bed, I just needed to vent this, needed to feel the release of the words from inside. I am okay as I will ever be. This time of year will always be hard, as we near the birthday month. Thank-heavens for two sweet and darling little boys that keep me distracted.
Minutes into hours and the hours into years.
Nothing changes. Nothing ever can
Round about the roundabout and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!"
I have long loved the musical Les Miserables (do not even get me started as to how excited I am about the musical coming out!) The words above are lyrics, lyrics to one of the songs that is in Les Miserables. We attended the annual Heart Walk for our heart group Intermountain Healing Hearts today. I love this event every year, just because I get to see some of the people we love so dearly, a few of which were there with us when Ryker was alive. Sometimes it feels as if those days were dreams, both bitter and sweet. Did I ever hold him?Was that a horrible or dream, or real life, when I wiped the blood that was pouring out from my baby's bottom and mouth, and wait the 4 excruciating hours for him to come out of surgery, or just to hear if he was still here with us? Did I really bathe that sweet baby, and read to my sweet slightly-drugged baby each and every day? Did I honestly tell the many doctors and nurses to stop trying to save his life, that his time had come to leave this world and did I really say goodbye to the sweet baby I had carried for 9 months just 15 days before Christmas?
At the angel ceremony this morning, they had us say the name of our angel, and say how long it had been since he passed. "Ryker John Gourley, it will be 5 years in December." 5 years??? Where has that time gone? Was that time ever here? Would I really have a kindergartener now, with another starting next year? Would I be a little less broken and a bit more sane?
And as I stood there, helping pass out names after, I read the names of those that had gone before, and had since gone after. There were too many. I read each and every name, my mind hugging each of the families that experience what we experience, that understand why we are so broken. I started to wonder today if after losing a child, if you ever feel really whole again. I do not think so. I know that no matter how many stitches, I am forever changed. Perhaps for the better, but maybe for the worse. Possibly a little of both.
I miss Lilly. I look at little girl things sometimes, praying I will be able to have another little girl someday. I miss the little experiences that I would be doing. I miss being able to try out hair styles, I miss picking out little frilly outfits for my princess. Maybe someday I will have that again, and maybe it will not be until I pass from this world. But I know that emptiness will still be there, no matter how many or few little dresses hang in our house.
I had best get to bed, I just needed to vent this, needed to feel the release of the words from inside. I am okay as I will ever be. This time of year will always be hard, as we near the birthday month. Thank-heavens for two sweet and darling little boys that keep me distracted.
That was a very lovely post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I love reading your blog! :)
ReplyDeleteprayers and hugs I am sending your way!
ReplyDelete