I have been in a strange funk. I have so much to be grateful for, and I truly am. But I just feel broken. I think that when you lose a child (or two) there is this horrid hole that is left forever. Try as you can to fill in that void, but you never will. I love my boys so much, but I still ache to hold my sweet Ryker and Lilly. I wish I could be taking Lilly to school each day. I do not wish them to be in pain, because as a mother, our babies should have to be poked and such, but darn it, I want to hold them, to tuck them in each night, to love them. I hate how snappy I have been lately. I honestly feel crazy. Happy one moment, crying and angry the next, and the cycle continues each day. It is so interesting how the cycle of grieving seems just to continue and continue. I would have thought five and six years later, I would be okay. I have been to counseling, but I keep hearing the "you are fine, and what your feeling is appropriate." But I do not feel like I am normal, nor do I ever feel like I will be. How can you be normal when you have carried, held, and loved such perfect little babies, but then had them plucked out of your arms, and then you are supposed to just be okay? I love Heavenly Father, but I do not always understand the trials he requires of us. That is all. I will take my sad mopey self, and enjoy my favorite time of year, all the while having it be the worst time of year all at once. I promise a cuter and more positive post will be along shortly. Just needed to vent this and get this off my chest.
I didn't understand that hole...until March. It's that feeling like something that should have been your biggest joy was taken from you...and you can't fix it, you just have to live with it. I don't know how to do that yet. I some times feel ok, almost normal and then BAM! It hits you like to SH*T load of bricks. I know that my pain is such a small amount by what you have lived through but I have become a lot more aware of how we all need to be more kind especially when someone is suffering through a hard experience. I know that next month is going to be rough. I'm praying for you to have peace as much as possible. It's going to be a hard time for me as well. My sister will be having her baby while I should have been having mine too. I'm so grateful for forever families and for the boys I get to hold everyday, right now. :) Loves
ReplyDeleteI love you girl!
ReplyDeletehang in there. thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you expressed how you're feeling. 1) it gives us all the opportunity to add you to our prayers and hopefully help you receive a little more comfort in the coming months. 2) I think it helps us all when we can be honest and open with our hearts. I have no idea what you are truly experiencing and I don't want to come across like I would know how to deal with it because I can honestly say I wouldn't. But I was so touched by what was said in conference by a man who lost his youngest son at 8 or 9 months old. He talked about how even now, years later he struggles with the pain of losing his child and he mentioned that he will never have a fullness of joy until they are back together again. So even though you can still have joy and happiness in this life, it's okay to not feel they fullness here and now. It'll come and I honestly believe the most beautiful reunions in heaven, the ones that will cause the rest of us to stop and witness in sacred reverence, will be the reuniting of parents to their angel children. We love your family! I hope you know how much you are prayed for :)
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, we've never met. But I occasionally stop in on your blog. I remember that your heartache hits so bad in the fall. I don't know what to say other than that I am praying for you. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are hurting so much! Heavenly Father loves you and knows your pain.
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