A Hard Day

Today just was not a good day for me. I think the gravity of being pregnant really set it. Sadly, it was the nurses that got the brunt of the breakdown.  I've truly begun to hate the statistics. I believe in God. I know he has a plan for our family. I am just not sure I will like the plan he has for our little family. I just know really that my family cannot begin to handle losing another niece or nephew. I went to see my OBGYN's partner so that I could get the referral I needed for Perinatology. The OB was really wonderful, (I work with him at the hospital) and he talked to me about the past and the possible chances of having another child born with the same problems as Lilly and Ryker. Our risks are lower with Lilly's Holoprosencephaly repeating itself, but the risk is still there and higher for us. And the risk of a heart defect is much higher. Dr. A was wonderful. He took the time to talk about my worries and the need for higher doses of Folic Acid. He said he felt that I definitely need to see the doctors at Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM), and to be seen as soon as I could. I could not have asked for better support from him. I genuinely felt like he cared and was concerned. He took me out to his nurse to get MFM on the phone and get something scheduled for us next week. She got on the phone to MFM, to the gal who does their scheduling. Dr. A's nurse said they would not let us come on Monday,  because we had to see the perinatology on a day that the genetic counselor (who we know really well) was going to be there, even though we probably were not even going to need to see her. She had nothing open on Tuesday (when I was available and not working), so she only had openings Wednesday and Fridays, when I work 12 hour shifts. Dr. A's nurse let me talk to the gal. I tried to explain that I needed my husband there, which only could happen on Monday, and that we are on a first-name basis with the genetic counselor (her name is Becky) and not only that, we met with Dr. Rope the geneticist for quite some time (I think the appointment took two hours) up at Primary's and knew the potential statistics that could give us problems. She said despite all of that, we still needed to be there when the geneticist would be available. She than asked the killer,"Why do you feel the rush to be seen?" I squelched back the tears. About all that I got out to her was that if she had gone through this, she might understand. I handed the phone back, just feeling the hot tears curse down my cheeks, burying my head into Collin. I knew that my words would no longer make sense, that I would be not be understandable soon, that it would do no good to speak any further. I realize I probably over-reacted, I also realize I have hormones raging through my body. But I also realize that without these little insignificant-to-most reassurances, I am going to be a mess. I sobbed on-and-off for hours. The reality is hitting me. I am scared. I am worried for this little one. I do not have the control. I have no say in what the outcome could be. Before my I was called back for the appointment, I sat there in the waiting room, waiting to be called back, looking around at women who's biggest worry was what items they would be registering for, and if it would be a boy or girl,who to tell first what the ultrasound results were.  I am not saying I do not think about whether this little one will be a boy or girl, I just wish that I did not have to worry about this baby making it to his or her first birthday. I just wish I could enjoy this time, and not stress. I know everyone stresses during a pregnancy, but prior to finding out about Lilly's problem, I was pretty oblivious to the world of things going wrong with your children. It just is something you never expect. I am a lot better than I was a few hours a go. I calmed down, I ate a little bit of In-and-Out (oh yes, a horrible decision I realize but very much needed.!) I hope I do not come off as unappreciative or ungrateful about being pregnant, I just know my limitations, and my families limitations with loss.So sorry about the hormonal vent. 

It really just feels good to get it off my chest.