Sunday, October 4, 2009
Struggling
When I started this blog, it was all about being honest and sharing the good and bad. I hope that for the good majority of the time I share the good, but the hard times need to be shared too. It is very therapeutic to share my feelings. I am really struggling right now. I know a lot of it is hormones, but I also know that this month is really hard. I miss Ryker and Lilly. I miss seeing them, I miss Lilly's sweet Celestial spirit. I miss seeing Ryker hitting milestones and seeing him fight so valiantly. I'm not sure if a lot of this is brought on by having Collin as part of our family and seeing things that he is doing and really starting to realize the things we never got to see Lilly and Ryker do. It is equally hard to have family that seem to not even want to understand where I am right now, that they simply want to label me crazy and suggest that I get anxiety meds and therapy (a note, I am all for therapy, and I know when I get to the point to where I need to talk someone outside of my family/friends group, I just do not like being told by others who do not know my feelings emotions to suggest meds and therapy without knowing where I am right now.) Grieving is part of life, most especially when you have the loss of a child. I feel like I have every right to mourn. I just guessed I would be understood by those closest to me about my need to feel the emotions of grief: anger, denial, sadness, accepting, bargaining, hope. You do not necessarily go through one stage before you go through another. And there are times you will take steps back before you will go forward. In talking to other parents who have lost a child, they also have those times that the grief hits and they have to take steps back before they can move on. I have my good days, but right now I am just having some really hard moments in those days. I know I will get through everything. And I know that in feeling those moments of grief, it just shows that I have loved.
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Here is a hug. Talking and writing help. It is your blog and I love reading the faith you have through it all. And yes you have the right to grieve, my Gramma lost a son in the 40's and still has bad days. I think losing a child is something you don't "get over". hang in there cry when need ed and vent when needed. Find someone who will let you talk to talk to It is not some thing that is to be fixed you just need support and an hand to hold at times.
ReplyDeleteThanks for Sharing Collin hes great. and you are so cute with him.
This time of year is so hard for all of us with significant events with our children in the fall. Remember you always have the support and understanding of people who truly know--even when you don't have everyone's. It's a hard time of year and there's no getting around it--we just have to somehow get through it. I'm always willing to talk and listen!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure this time of year will always be hard for you. I'm sorry you feel that you have to apologize for it. People just don't understand unless they've been there themself.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sure that Satan is working really hard on you right now because your sealing is coming up so soon! Hold your head up high, vent all you need to, grieve all you need to, and hug that little brown haired gift of yours. It will get better!
I was going to say the same thing as Nicole. That Satan is probably working extra hard on you this month. But I know you will make it through. I do not think you are crazy for the way you are feeling. I think it is probably completely normal to continue to grieve for your angel babies! I wish I had words to comfort you. I hope you can find comfort. Lean on our father in heaven. He knows what you are feeling and he will help you!
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Mom, Noone can tell you how to grieve or when to stop. You are entitled to your own feelings.
ReplyDeleteJust a song can bring me to tears out of the blue ten years after losing my Mom. Sometimes it is those precious memories that keep us going,
yet sometimes they stop us in our tracks. That is when I go to Church to pray or get out old pictures and walk down memory lane. Talking about them and writing is very therapeutic.
No medication can ever really take the pain away of losing a child. Only time and prayers can help us through.
God bless you today and always
You do not need meds, and meds just mask the underlying feeling of what is going on. Talking about it is the best thing. Yes, it is hard for us who have never lost a child to completely understand, but that does not mean that we should not be able to empathize with you. I susbect that some in your life might think that because you now have Collin that it would make everything better, but it doesn't. It shouldn't!
ReplyDeleteYou do not have to always be happy, because without sadness the happiness would never be as sweet. Hugs from Roman and his family.
Nobody can tell you how to grieve, or that there is a time table . . . and nobody can really understand your specific feelings exactly except our Savior. And, I think, as long as you are counseling with Him closely, He will let you know what you need, and support you while you're getting there. Good luck with everything. For what it's worth, I think you're amazing, and an amazing Mom. Your children are all very lucky to have you, and I know your two angels are looking out for you! Take care!
ReplyDeleteI've never blog-stalked before but yours caught my eye. You definitely have the right to mourn and I think the people that are telling you to get medication are people that have never lost a child and have no idea how that feels. I have never lost a child, but I couldn't imagine it. Thanks for sharing your stories! your children are ADORABLE! <3
ReplyDeletei had a little radom idea...what do you think about starting a little angel necklace or something you could make and sell it on your blog to help other grieving mothers out there to remind them of their angels who are always around them...this lady i knew from my last ward is amazing..she adopted two little boys at http://therhouse.blogspot.com/ and to cover court costs she sells adoption necklaces...something to ponder about!
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm just echoing what everyone else has already commented. No one can understand what you're going through and you definitely shouldn't have to apologize for having some hard times. I bet it's even harder for those who think your sweet Collin should fill that sadness when the fact remains that you still had to say goodbye to your two other angels! My aunt burried 2 of my cousins and while she still has 2 sons living, she still has bad days and no one ever thinks that she shouldn't. Hopefully your family will begin to understand that your heart, while full of love for your newest son, still aches for the two who you don't see everyday.
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I think it's even more of a miracle that Collin came when he did. During this, the hardest time of year for you, you get to experience being sealed to your baby. Something to help cheer you up. What an additional blessing and testimony to me that Heavenly Father pays attention to even the smallest of details to help us. I look forward to hearing about your amazing day and that for once day out of this hard month, you'll always have your special sealing day that will make your heart smile. Lova ya!!
Emily, you are AMAZING!!! Whenever I get discouraged or overwhelmed with Hallie's problems, you help me keep perspective with your strength and outlook. I have been having a hard time lately and wrote a similar blog entry last week. While I have not lost a child, I understand the grieving-- the loss of the life I had assumed I would live, the loss of my freedom in caring for Hallie, the loss of my time and ability to have deep friendships and be the kind of mom that I want to. Feel free to shed as many tears as you want-- I do a few times a day lately. I am finding that my healing is coming in layers. Memories of almost 4 years ago hit me hard now and because I couldn't or wouldn't deal with them then, I have to deal with them now. I think the Lord has designed it this way on purpose-- He knows that if he gave you all of the grief at once, you would be able to cope. That is why is comes in spurts and layers-- a little at a time. While you know that Lilly and Ryker are yours forever, there is nothing that will take away your grief ovre not being able to hold them here and now. I am glad that you share your hard moments as well as the good, because then I don't feel so bad about having mine! Hang in there, hold Colin a little closer and stay close to the Lord-- let Him help you through this new layer of healing.
ReplyDeleteAll your children are in your heart and mind EVERY day for eternity. They will remain close forever...sadnes and missing the ability to touch and hug and rock makes one very sad but it doesn't necessarily indicate meds for clinical depression. You do have three children...two are waiting just beyond the veil wanting to love and hug you right back. That time will come and the tears of pure joy will just bubble out! Sometimes those of us with children at hand forget that when we haven't experienced it. We don't know Owen's outcome yet...we try to prepare for everything while staying optimistic...family and friends are allowed (and supposed)to grieve. I pray your grief is more gentle.
ReplyDeleteOwen's Gramma
Emily, ABSOLUTELY you are intitled to mourn and grieve in your own way. And I'm sorry to say, but if this is people telling you that have never lost a child, let alone 2 they need to seriously take a step back and be quiet! To put it nice.
ReplyDeleteYou are one of the most amazing people I know and honestly your faith strengthens me. I appreciate that you have bad days, it only means you are human and I LOVE that you share that with us. Please know my thoughts are with you, I know that this is a very hard time for you guys. Big Big hug to both you and Mike okay!
Such beautiful writing. You are entering into a difficult time of year...so many different emotions. I am so sorry your heart is aching so much. Keep talking..keep crying. You are so normal!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your journey. You are an amazing mama.
Sending love to you