Struggling

When I started this blog, it was all about being honest and sharing the good and bad. I hope that for the good majority of the time I share the good, but the hard times need to be shared too. It is very therapeutic to share my feelings. I am really struggling right now. I know a lot of it is hormones, but I also know that this month is really hard. I miss Ryker and Lilly. I miss seeing them, I miss Lilly's sweet Celestial spirit. I miss seeing Ryker hitting milestones and seeing him fight so valiantly. I'm not sure if a lot of this is brought on by having Collin as part of our family and seeing things that he is doing and really starting to realize the things we never got to see Lilly and Ryker do. It is equally hard to have family that seem to not even want to understand where I am right now, that they simply want to label me crazy and suggest that I get anxiety meds and therapy (a note, I am all for therapy, and I know when I get to the point to where I need to talk someone outside of my family/friends group, I just do not like being told by others who do not know my feelings emotions to suggest meds and therapy without knowing where I am right now.) Grieving is part of life, most especially when you have the loss of a child. I feel like I have every right to mourn. I just guessed I would be understood by those closest to me about my need to feel the emotions of grief: anger, denial, sadness, accepting, bargaining, hope. You do not necessarily go through one stage before you go through another. And there are times you will take steps back before you will go forward. In talking to other parents who have lost a child, they also have those times that the grief hits and they have to take steps back before they can move on. I have my good days, but right now I am just having some really hard moments in those days. I know I will get through everything. And I know that in feeling those moments of grief, it just shows that I have loved.