October

First~I have to give a shout-out to my sister. It is her birthday today, and I just wanted to express my gratitude for having her as my big-sister. We love her and could not be the family we are were it not for her!!! So happy-happy birthday sister dear!

This is my favorite time of year. I love the leaves changing, I love the smells, I love the wind blowing leaves. I love the yummy apples, the gorgeous pumpkins, and the cute Halloween decorations. But it seems like it is a love/hate relationship now. October 18th, 2006 changed this month for me. October 27th, 2007 changed it again. I love my babies. And I love celebrating their days. I just wish that they could be there, helping us celebrate their birthdays. Lilly would have been 3 on the Sunday the 18th. She would be starting Sunbeams in January and preschool anytime. Ryker would have been two. Lilly's birthday is one week after mine. That's right: my birthday is one week from this Sunday, which means two weeks from tomorrow is Collin's sealing. I should be excited, and I am. But I am feeling the pangs of hurt and anger. I think there are so many people who just expect us to be happy, expect me to be happy since we have Collin. Yes Collin makes us so happy, and we could not imagine life without him, but it still will not ever take away the pain of losing Lilly and Ryker. I miss them. I miss holding them, I miss celebrating birthdays with them. I hate celebrating birthdays without them. I know things happened for a reason, reasons I am still understanding. I know we will be okay, I think those close to me are just going to have to be a little extra patient and understanding. Just simply a hard time of year.