Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I am grateful today for many, many things. I know I may not always seem grateful, but really I am. So here are a few of the wonderful things in my life that I am indeed grateful for:
my husband
my family (including my amazing in-laws that I love!!!)
having God in my life
being sealed to my children and cute hubby
to have been a Mom for twelve weeks
my sweet babies
my niece Gracie being here for Thanksgiving
my nieces and nephews, all of them
my house
our cars
our wonderful jobs
and finally... to be able to celebrate Thanksgiving
in all of its yumminess!
*And yes, I will be one of the crazies out tomorrow,
shopping and selling some hot chocolate!!!*
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
p.s. I just wanted to say thank-you to for all of
your sweet comments on Lilly's angel day. I am
grateful for so many of you and your support!

Hard Days.

It was a hard day, for both Mike and I and our families. I am not sure if it is harder because Lilly's everything comes first or what, but her birthday and angel day just seem so hard. There was a lot of crying, a good dose of yummy food, and a bit of retail therapy (i.e. groceries and a cheap turkey)! It sucked. I cried. A lot. I know things will be better but it is so hard. I am just praying for the little baby we will be blessed with. Our next baby will not replace our two angels, just help us to continue the healing.

Lilly's Angel Day

Two years. Two years has passed since saying goodbye to our sweet Lilly. I recall that Thanksgiving night. Lilly was so restless, having seizures, and remember finally being able to calm her. She slept straight from 1 am to 6am, barely waking when she was placed in the carseat. I remember all to well, laying her next to her sleeping cousin, her best friend who came into the world just a few hours before, watching them sleep in front of the warm fire. I remember picking her up, seeing her blue and realizing that she was not breathing. I remember pleading and crying, begging Lilly to breathe. I remember jumping in the car and driving home to get the much needed oxygen. I remember calling Lilly's hospice nurse and taking her to the hospital to confirm my suspicion that Lilly had aspirated into her lungs. I remember going into the x-ray room and laying my sweet helpless baby on the table. I remember her sweet nurse Kim telling us Lilly's time was limited. I remember calling my parents and pleading them to hurry home, from spending Thanksgiving in California (with my Grandma), and begging them to please hurry. I remember going home to pack the few things we would need and making one last bottle, and thinking that the bottle I was making would be the last bottle I would make for our little Lilly. I remember just doing things with family. I remember being grateful when my sister and brother-in-law made it from West Virginia, and my Mom making it home on a last-minute flight from California. I remember when Lilly stopped breathing once again, and Mike pleading her to again breathe. I remember taking Lilly off of her oxygen, with Mike's family and my Mom and sister and her husband surrounding us, saying goodbye. I remember the blessing Mike gave her, just the three of us, releasing her fragile body from this earth. I remember the last night we spent together, Lilly in between us, going in-between this earth and the next life. I remember waking up, and being amazed by Lilly's strength. I remember my Dad and siblings arriving in record time from California and being able to say goodbye one last time. I remember so well, just holding her, enjoying those last few hours. I recall Mike calling me over, and looking her and knowing she was gone, that we were holding her sweet little shell, feeling her spirit all around. I remember holding her as we drove to the mortuary and feeling my heart break a when I had to leave my sweet baby. I remember dressing her, doing her hair one last time, and saying goodbye to her earthly body for this time. I remember being touched, while walking into the chapel, to see a full house, all to honor our little princess. We miss you Lilly and remember your angel day. Love you so much and am so proud of your valiant spirit and the time we were blessed to have with you.
You really were our breath of heaven.
Love you- Mom and Dad



P.S. Happy seventeenth birthday Millie! Thank-you for sharing such a day with your niece. I am sorry for that.

Got milk???

As many of you know, our little niece Gracie was born with the same heart condition as our sweet Ryker (HLHS). Gracie has been home for nearly two months, and just really is doing pretty well. We have a bit of a problem: she needs breast milk. Many of you Moms know that with a lot of stress, there can be a loss of milk. This has happened and Gracie does not do well at all with formula. She has a hard time swallowing the milk and they are trying so hard to switch her feeds to oral feeds. Many of you may also know the added benefit for heart babies and the immunities that breast milk offers. So although it may be weird to you, it is critical for Gracie to have breast milk. They are trying to get a prescription for it and get milk from a milk bank but it takes time and really costs quite a bit of money. So please help if you can!!!!
*You can e-mail me at emilygourley@gmail.com*

A little whoo-hoo!

Just wanted to say that tomorrow I will FINALLY be able to see Twilight!(Yes, I am one of those girls. (Fought it for a year and finally caved in this last June and LOVE the books! So come tomorrow at this exact time, I will be enjoying the AMAZING movie!

Anniversaries

This week, Mike and I celebrate four beautiful years of marriage! It seems unreal, and I feel so blessed to be able to be married to him. Last year was such a hard anniversary. A day before our anniversary, we got a call to head immediately up to the hospital. When we got up there, Ryker was puking and pooping massive amounts of blood. It was one of the hardest days of his short life. They had to manipulate Ryker's NJ tube and somehow ended up tearing his weakened stomach in three places. They had taken him in for emergency surgery and what was supposed to last only one hour took four. It was so hard and draining on our families. We spent the night up at Primarys (Mike on the floor on mats and me in the slanted bed. We got up every few hours to check on Ryker. He was amazing and ended up healing remarkably well.
This picture is of Ryker about a week after infant gastric bypass (because that was what they ended up having to do, cutting off half of his stomach).

I feel so fortunate to have Mike. He has been my support through everything. We are each others best friend. So many do not even know what it is like to me as close as we are. I am fortunate to be married to my him!

*By the way, because we were able to switch every thing to a more anonymous blog-site, we will not have to make this website private! Whoo-hoo! So no need to worry. It feels good to not have to worry about jeopardizing our family's safety, while being able to keep our blog open and continuing sharing our life with all our friends, family, and soon-to-be-friends.

I am a Senisitve Soul.

I am a sensitive soul. I love new babies, I love new Moms and Dads.
I love my nieces and nephews, and love tending their cute little tushies!
I love to spend the evening with my husband,
just cuddled on the couch,
enjoying each other's company.

I have LOVED being a Mom, and have loved having
the precious time with both Lilly and Ryker.

I cry whenever I see or hear the Hypoplastic
Left Heart Syndrome commercial that the local
hospital system (Intermountain Healthcare) plays
as an advertisement.
I love successful adoption and infertility stories.
They bring me such hope.

I cry very easily. I cry when I am mad, frustrated, happy,
sad, and when I am missing the heck out of my babies.

I am a sensitive soul. I know that we as women are a bit
more sensitive than our male counter-parts. But I know
I am that much more sensitive than most women.

It is that much harder for me to not take offense when
people make stupid comments. I wish that I had skin that was
really thick, so that hurtful comments could just bounce off.
But remember, I am sensitive. I know people should not have to
walk around on eggshells around everyone, including me. I just
think people have no idea when they are saying comments that are hurtful.
My sweet sister can not have kids biologically.
I have felt such guilt getting pregnant twice, but at the same
she was such a wonderful aunt to Lilly and Ryker.
Another friend and family member are also dealing with not being
able to get pregnant with ease. It sucks.
So I would like to make a few suggestions about what to NOT say,
when you are with a group of women.

1.) Please refrain from complaining about how miserable you are pregnant.
This is a given. Pregnancy is not easy,but I can guarantee
you are NOT the first woman to carry a child.
This complaining is also VERY hurtful to those of us longing for children.

2.) Please do not put so much worry into the sex of your unborn child.
I was guilty of this with my first. I wanted a girl.
Little did I know that three years later,
I would be PRAYING to just have a healthy baby;
one devoid of brain abnormalities, that are not compatible with life,
and heart conditions that take away a seven week old baby's life.
Be grateful to have healthy, beautiful children.
That is what REALLY matters.

3.) Think before your speak. LOOK AROUND THE ROOM!
If there is another who is suffering because their arms are empty,
maybe talk with them instead of continuing the commiserating about having kids.

4.)Be grateful for your sleepless nights.
I wish I could have had just one sleepless night home with Ryker.
And I wish for just one more night with Lilly.
I remember going to bed after Lilly passed away,
and I kept waking thinking I could hear Lilly crying.
It was really hard.
Go home today. Look around you.
If you have been blessed to have the
pitter-patter of little feet in your home,
or have been able to feel the wonder of your unborn child moving inside of you,
just be grateful and realize that you are blessed.

I will get off my soap box now.
I am sorry if this injures or insults anyone, I just think there
are many of us that just do not know.
I am going to work on not being SO sensitive,
but I think many need to work on being MORE sensitive.
We are women, aren't we?