Very Hard.

One of my biggest pitfalls in life is patience. I am notorious for doing things on a whim, and when I am told I need to be patient, I HATE it. I'm not sure why it is taking so long to get all the paperwork so that we can get our sweet boy, but it is. He will a month on Sunday, and it hurts that I have only been able to see him for one hour of that whole month. It is frustrating being told originally that it would only take two weeks, and having that two weeks turn into an additional two weeks, and than just having them say they do not know when the paperwork and everything will be completed, we just have to be patient. I just want to scream! Why does this have to be so hard?I feel like I am at whit's end for being patient! I am trying to distract myself, but I am finding it hard to focus on anything else than making this happen! Grrrrrrr!!! I think Heavenly Father is tiring of hearing my whining, and I am trying so hard to not, but it hurts. It sucks that this hurts so much. I know that if there is no pain, there is no growth. But I swear this pain of losing our first two kids and having to be "patient" and wait for the paperwork to come through hurts, and it hurts bad. I'm going to stop whining now, because I am so grateful for our little guy. I just wish with all my heart he was here, in our home, being loved by us and getting to know us, the people who are going to be his parents. It feels better venting, so now I am going to take this frustration and put it to use by unpacking and cleaning some more.

Sorry for Posting Again.

I am now posting for the second time today, and I really just cannot help myself. I hate unknowns. We knew this would be hard, but I guess just like losing our two kids, I never realized the extreme emotions we would be feeling right now. This is such a roller-coaster. And not just any roller-coaster; its the kind where your stomach sinks hill, after hill, after whirly-loop, and then comes the stop where you are supposed to get off, but for some reason it does not and you continue to go up, and down, and around. My head is pounding, and that blessed headache is because I have been crying, even though I am not supposed to be crying (our case-worker told me to just not worry, that this is not the time to worry.) Just by-the-way, telling someone to not worry does not guarantee that they will not. No, our birthmother has not changed her mind, nor has her family. It is just the joys of so many unknowns that come from working with the blessed other parties involved. Please do not say that things will work out the way Heavenly Father has intended them to, because I do realize that, but it does not help hearing it right now. Just tell me that this does indeed suck and it is hard, but it will be worth it. Every day feels like a week right now. I do ultimately have peace, but I do worry about the pains we will have to face and are facing. I just wish things could make sense. I am tired of stress right now, and I really do not want to get up and go to work in the morning. Life goes on, stressed or not. Grrrrrr!!!!! I really am not angry, just pure frustration at not knowing what will happen. We want this little boy so much. We already love him so much. We just do not understand why things seem to need to take the more difficult path. So forgive me, I need to go and take some headache medicine and pray.