A Wonderful Day

In the LDS church, as new babies are brought into the world, they are given a name and a blessing. It is such a sweet and special day, a day that is looked forward to. With Lilly and Ryker, they were blessed in the hospital. Lilly's was right after birth, and Ryker's was right before he passed. We have never had the privilege of blessing our babies with all of our friends and family there. Today was Collin's blessing day. He was so cute, so happy and excited to see all those he loves so dearly. It was funny to see a 10 month old being blessed. He was happy, but kept trying to grab the microphone to babble/chew on it. There were tears. Tears of happiness. Tears to finally hear the words spoken of things that are in the future, the somedays. Lilly and Ryker's blessings were filled with goodbyes. Every baby blessing I have heard are blessings of what is to come. We could not look forward to the somedays with Lilly and Ryker. Collin has given us somedays. Collin has allowed us to worry about the future of his life, to worry about the friends he will have, the ugly parts of life, but also the good and beautiful things to come. Collin has given us something we have not been able to have: Hope. Lilly and Ryker taught us so much, don't get me wrong. But Collin's blessing to this family is hope. So thank-you to those who were able to make it. It was really a good day.
*I had a duh moment today, forgot to take ANY pictures. I was sad, but it is okay, since there will be plenty of picture opportunities this week with Christmas!!!

Collin's Adoption Day ( And a Whole Lot of Pictures!!!)

Collin with my Mom and his DCFS caseworker Stephanie

The ironic part about the foster care system is that technology seems to much more advanced than their policy. Around the end of September, when I thought we were only two weeks away from Collin's finalization, they finally implemented a policy that we could not use Collin's name or picture on Facebook or in posts that are not private. I was not about to go back and take out every picture of Collin and look for every time Collin's name was used. So it is SOOOOO nice to be able to freely use Collin's name and post any picture of Collin that we want.

Our wonderful lawyer

Yesterday was AMAZING. We had some minor bumps, but no major roadblocks. It seems that when we went to finalize, we were not actually on the docket, nor did the judge have the file that was supposedly faxed over prior to yesterday's finalization.

Collin with my Mom

Collin with Stephanie

Our smiley boy 9and oh yes, I love saying he is mine without any doubts or other thoughts of him not actually being ours.

Three generations. And the second Gourley to carry on the name (the first was Ryker!)

The two Grandpas with our smiley guy!
We had wonderful family that came to support us. It was very last minute and we were so grateful that all that could be there were. Collin was so good while we waited, although, I'm not sure he was ever at a lack for attention.

Collin with his best bud. Tatum is exactly to the day, two months older than Collin, but Collin seems to weigh more.

The two crazy boys.

They love to chill and play. Pretty much just chillax together.

But man did we have the best judge. She was amazing! She got everything taken care of, and although we waited about an hour, she made everything happen. Being in court this time was so different, and just really a better experience all around. The courtroom was BEAUTIFUL and even had windows. The three times we went to court in southern Utah, we left all three times with empty arms and tears in our eyes, and had to leave with a prayer Collin would someday come home. Our

This time was empowering, even spiritual and a beautiful proceeding. I always thought that a finalization was just the signing of some paper work, but it is so much more. Our DCFS caseworker took the stand and told the judge why she thought that we should be Collin's parents. Talk about something that is uplifting: having a DCFS caseworker talk about how wonderful you are to your child/children. Mike and I also had to testify. We testified of our love for Collin. Mike's words were so moving. Collin kept looking at his family that were sitting in the gallery, and just kept chuckling at them.

The case before ours was sad. I will not go into specifics, but since Collin was a ward of the state, we had our proceedings taken care of through the juvenile court. These are the happy days, the days that make their days. Judge Bezzelle even has a stuffed animal for each child that is adopted. I have never met a warmer person. I mean really, what judge do you know that hugs those that come into her court room. She was such a sweetheart!

Our caseworker has been fantastic. She also is such a warm and loving person, and I will miss having the monthly interactions with her!!!

Our caseworker with Collin's Guardian ad litem

Chillin in the court room
After we were finished with court, we went out to lunch to celebrate. Nothing like some yummy carbs from Olive Garden to make a person extra happy. We took Collin home after, to lay him down for a much needed nap, and to wash his drooly clothes before the temple (the beauty of teething!!!)
The temple was wonderful. Just the grounds invite such peace, but when you go in, the peace just seeps into every part of your body and spirit. Collin was so well behaved. I'm not even joking when I say that he was a perfect angel. I'm not sure the cute ladies in the youth center (they watched and played with Collin and even got him changed and dressed) would have taken him home. He was just being such a sweetheart. It was amazing. I loved every minute of it. Afterwards, we went back to Mike's parents to celebrate and eat!

Jason and cute Morgan

Collin loves kids. He especially loves his cousins. Morgan fascinates him. She also makes him bust up giggling, something I hopefully will get on tape someday.

Aunt Millie with Xander-bander

This was one of the coolest parts of our day. When my best friend came over, her husband hauled in this hugely wrapped present. I was intrigues as to what it was, but Mike was getting the pizza we had ordered. Once he got back, we opened it up. I was amazed as I started to see part by part of it. This picture below is the best picture, so if you double click, you can see it better. It was drawn by Abby's sister-in-law, and than lovingly framed and matted by so many others of our loved ones (apparently there was a secret facebook group even!)

It had Ryker's picture in the upper left hand corner, with Lilly's picture in the upper right. Mike. Collin, and I were in the lower part. It was the most beautiful and touching thing. We love it!!!

This was my after shocked face!!!

It was such a long day, but Collin still managed a tired smile.

Our niece Morgan admiring her cousin who were both born the same day.

My Mom brought a cake to honor our happy guy, who looked more than happy to
just dig into that cake.

This is Courtney. This is Collin's second mom. She loves him so much, and really can not get enough of him. When we came back from Mexico, he would not go to me for a few minutes: he just clung to her.

This is Courtney, Karl, and Collin

Collin, Aunt Lindsey, and Uncle Jamie

Cut Collin and Aunt Millie
It was a long and wonderful day. We are so happy to have spent our first day with Collin actually being ours. Our doctor's office called yesterday to ask what Collin's actual last name was. I told her " it is Gourley, and has been for only about an hour!" That felt very good! I will post pictures of us in the traditional white garb, so more pictures to come. We love our little guy and we know too that Lilly and Ryker love him, and made sure he became part of our forever family. We love and adore our kids. And this little guy just lights up our life. What a great day.

A Huge Day

Are we excited? Oh yes. Can words begin to express our excitement? Nope. Pretty much, besides my wedding, having my babies and the excitement to be able to finally meet the little nudgers, and bringing Collin home, I have not been so excited! Have I been somewhat testy and emotional? Oh yes, just ask Mike!

* Mike will attest to the fact that my emotions are high and low at any given window,
but I know he would not speak unkindly so I am doing it for him!*
Tomorrow marks the 8 months since we brought Collin home. It is strictly coincidental
that our finalization day is the same day of the month, but I feel very appropriate. We are in court at high noon, and barring anything crazy, we will be in the temple at 5 pm to dot any more I's and cross any T's. This is such a blessing. And although it was a little longer than expected, we are very grateful that it still is a timely manner.
* I also think the temple will be very happy for us to stop calling,
scheduling, and than re-scheduling!!!
It may not seem like a big deal, but leaving Collin when we did was very hard. The fact of the matter is that had something of happened to us, Collin would not be ours legally or forever. This allows us to breathe that huge sigh of relief!!! So I will post pictures, and please just say a little prayer that things will go according to the plans!

Kick-Off National Adoption Month

We love adoption. Always have, always will. Even before it became such a personal nature to our little family, we have always found it to be a blessing. This may be an unusual way to celebrate the National Adoption, but I want to pay tribute to the Moms, birth-mothers and all mother's alike. I know that I am not a perfect Mom. I hope someday I will be there, but I am so far from perfect. But something I find that is perfect is the love I have for and each and every one of my three children. Collin is just as much a part of me as Lilly and Ryker are. This video is just a reflection of the love I have for my children, for what they have given me, which is the very best present of all: they made me a Mom. A baby changes everything. I know that there are many hearts breaking, especially this time of year, because the desire to be a parent is so strong. Last year this time, I heard this song for the very first time. We had just celebrated Ryker's first birthday and Lilly's second, without them. It was a hard time, and I remember I was driving home from class, thinking about how hard it was going to be to celebrate the holidays again without our children. I than heard this song. I know the struggle of infertility, I know the struggle of saying goodbye to your children all too soon. I know the feelings of having an infant placed in your arms that may not be biologically yours, but yet feels like he has always been a part of you. So to each and every woman out there, Moms, or those wishing and praying to be Moms, this is for you. It warms the heart.

This little princess made me a Mom.

Our little family.

Seeing Ryker for the very first time.

I could not love him more.

Holding Ryker for the last time.

Holding Collin for the first time.

Holding our little guy on Easter.

My Sunshine.

Good News

Guess what? We are FINALIZING (for sure) October 28th!!!!! If you cannot tell, we are sooo excited and ecstatic to know when everything is going to happen!!! We will be heading to this beautiful place on November 27th:

Collin will be ours both legally and eternally. Being sealed is a tremendous blessing. A friend in WV joined the church because her family could be together forever.
Since things have changed, we do not know what to do about having him blessed. You see, we are simple people. We get back from Cancun the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and we are going to be sealed the Friday after Thanksgiving, so I am trying to figure out the simplest way to do everything, but not feel so overwhelmed in one week. Any ideas or tips would be appreciated, since we are still very new to all of this. We cannot bless him at church on a Sunday because of work/Mexico/a nephew's baby blessing so we are befuddled. We will have to brainstorm and figure out what to do!!!

In Limbo

Being in limbo pretty much stinks. I am grateful that we do not have to fight for Collin, but many of you do not know what we went through in the beginning to bring him home. There were reasons we did not get him till he was 5 weeks, and what we have gone through to get him/keep him is pretty hard. Jumping through hoops is something I am not very good at. I am not sure when we will get to go to court. I know we will see our day, but it probably will not be in the time that we want. That said, this blog is for me to vent. I realize that we are not this amazing family, fighting a birth-father for their rights on their one year old (link over and read the words of this adoption giant, and look at her adorable Etsy store, where the proceeds of your purchase go to help with the legal cost of adoption for their little family!) but everyone has things they go through. We have been through Hell to say the least, and I simply am just asking for something to go as planned, something to be somewhat easy for once. I do not think that is too much to ask. I am so happy that we have awesome friends and family that realize we are not in control. We may even wait to have Collin sealed to us till November, when our amazing friends and family can be there. A lot of unknowns, and a lot of just going with the flow and realizing it is out of our hands. And I am okay with that. I know there is nothing we can do, so we are simply going to be happy and enjoy the days. Plus, when you are turning 26, how can you not be happy? Birthdays are awesome!

Family Sealings

Picture of the Mt Timpanogos LDS temple where we were sealed.

As most of you know, we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka the Mormons.) There are many beautiful temples that dot the earth, and many are beloved by members of the LDS faith and those not of our religion too. One of the greatest blessings about these temples is what can be done inside. When Mike and I were married, we were also sealed for time and all eternity. I grew up in an area where those of the LDS faith were the definite minority, so I attended many marriage ceremonies where the words "until death do you part". I am not trying to make my readers Mormon by any means, what I am trying to do is share a simple part of my faith that brings a lot peace to many, most especially those that have lost a family member. You see, even though Lilly and Ryker have passed, they are still our children. This is because they were sealed to us, long before they were born. That is how I get up every day, and when those hard days come, I know that I will can be with them again.
This last week, my Dad (who joined the LDS faith when he was one month shy of 19 along with my Grandma) were sealed. The situation is interesting, and I will not go into specifics, but this now makes it possible for our Grandparents and Great-Grand parents to all be sealed and for the line to go back as well as forward. It really was neat. and the peace was beautiful. I can not wait for October when we will take Collin to the temple and have him sealed to us (children that are adopted have to be sealed to their parents) and to have that peace of him being legally and spiritually part of our family. It's going to be a great day!!!

It's Going to Be a GREAT day!!!

You see this cute little guy? You know, the chubby little boy that makes us smile each day? Well, come October, our little family will be forever. Both legally and spiritually. You see, the paperwork has been started so that we will be able to finalize the adoption the beginning of October. Than come a week or two later, on the 16th of October, this little guy will become part of our forever family. I know that that day will be filled with a lot of tears, for it will have come full circle. The sweet gal I talked to when we scheduled the sealing asked if we had any other children. I told her we did, but explained briefly that we did not need to worry about them being dressed in white (and soiling or doing whatever) that they had already passed on. She reminded me in that beautiful English accent that they would be there. It brought tears to my eyes, ones of joy. I just picture our little family, all 5 of us and I imagine the ones to come, there for our little sealing. It is truly going to be a beautiful dress. Now if I can just loose 20 pounds. Hmm.. better get working on that!

Pre-Easter Celebration

Since Mike's parents are going to be out of town this weekend (Easter Weekend) we celebrated and early once this last Sunday. Here are a picture of the current Grand-kids.

From left to right, Morgan, 'C", Caden, and Gracie!!! Yep, Gracie came home, just the day after C came home, and that meant party time (or sleepy time, because we wore her out a bit!) It was cute to try and get all of them to look at the camera (or the 20 people jumping up and down and hollering for them to look over this way!) Since there is only one grandkid old enough to enjoy Easter, the last few years have been the adults getting the eggs. Last year, they tied our legs together. This year they blindfolded the G kids and had their spouses tell them where the eggs were. It was hilarious, needless to say!!!


The beautiful thing about this pre-Easter celebration is that with the exception of Mike's brother being on an LDS mission in Brazil (and just about a month left till he comes home) it was the first time in a long time everyone was there for family dinner. I love this picture of Grandpa and C, he just loves to look at faces and really seems to love his family!!! We are still adjusting to parenthood, but are just loving our sweet little boy. His little smiles just melt our hearts. And today was a HUGE day, and because of todays events, we will be able to adopt our little boy this fall!!! It is a GREAT day in our little family, in so many ways!

Just Waiting.

I wish I could say that we know when we will be able to go and bring home C, but we do not. I am praying for it to be this week, and feel that it really could be, but I am TRYING to not get my hopes up (pretty much though, too late!) I am packing our bags, and will have everything ready for us when the call comes. I guess we pretty much treat this like we are about to have a baby, just not knowing when it will happen, just a general idea of when it might. So we will let you when we get the word. Just PLEASE pray that hearts will be softened that the workers will push our paperwork through QUICKLY!!! Up till this point, I was REALLY frustrated with the 4 day state work-week. But the thought came to me today that although it does shorten the week, it also gives the workers more time during the day to get the paperwork completed. Thank-you all for your support. I am on the edge, just waiting. And the prayers help to ease how hard the wait is!
P.S. The diaper bag came today!!! Mike is not at all impressed, but I LOVE it!!! It is cute, ton's of pockets (it even has a key latch so that you never have to lose your keys again!) I can not wait to be able to use it (did I mention that it is also treated so that it is water and stain repellent?!) It so far has been the best part of my week (although, I am hoping it is not the only highlight, awaiting news of a much bigger event that would THRILL me, or better us!)

The Waiting Game

This waiting game we are in: it sucks. It is hard, it hurts, and I wish it was over. I wish I was awake right now, feeding little C instead of just having the case of "I can't sleeps. My mind won't stop." How I wish I was the lucky on getting up to change a wet diaper, or feed a hungry little guy (have I mentioned that he is growing rather quickly?) I wish I was the one who was getting all the smiles and maybe some coos. It hurts, and I wish it did not have to. I am starting to believe that it may not be till our "appointement/meeting" (or maybe even after?) on the 8th of April that we will be able to bring him home. I was wandering the baby section of Target, (as I often do) and there were some funny little First Easter outfits, but I could not bring myself to buy anything like that, because the last time we bought him a holiday outfit was for St. Patrick's day, (which we were able to dress him in) but it just hurt to have to think we would not be able to really enjoy it. I know I should be grateful that he will be ours, but I never knew the waiting would be so hard or so long. I think some of my frustrations stem from being house-bound because of sickness this last week. I HATE being sick, and I hated Mike being sick too. But that's life, right? My buggest thing to look forward to right now (because it is the one vice that will not fail me) is awaiting the arrival of the cute and chic little Oi Oi diaper bag (and if you google Oi Oi, you will realize how sinful I was in lusting after the cute bag!) Anyways, I am off to blog-land for hopefully some uplifting stories and tales. Good-night!
*P.S. I am pretty needy right now, I will admit it. So please leave me some upbeat and positive comments and cheer us on. We are trying so hard to not lose hope or faith, or get discouraged. So as one of my E-BFF put's it: Validate me!

A Weird Day

Mike is on the mend, still not 100% better (or even 50% better of you ask me) but definitely feeling better. The crummy part is that last night, I came down with a fever and have been sick now (the beautiful things you share when you are married!)So the doctor also put me on an antibiotic. We will see how that goes. We are still waiting for the word to go and get our little boy, and just trying to relish in the joy of being together (better yet, having to deal with waiting to bring our sweet boy home, and than trying to deal with being sick, both at the same time!) My question to anyone out there: does anyone know if there is a memory fill-in book out there that is kind of geared towards an adoptive baby/child? I've googled and shopped, but have only found ones that talk about the "first time I felt you move" or "how I told your Dad that you are pregnant" and fill-ins like that. Kind-of disappointed, but it is not the end of the world. Anyways, if anyone has any ideas (other than doing one from Shutterfly or such) that would be greatly appreciated! Thank-you all for your support. We just cannot wait to bring C home.

Let the Good Times Begin.

Poor Mike, he is doing everything he can to avoid going to the hospital. So we see the doctor once, sometimes twice a day for Mike to get shots of antibiotics. He is also on some pretty strong meds to kick the pneumonia's butt. He is pretty weak, and still has a bit of ways to go before he is going to be really well again. I've slept on the couch two nights in a row, so that Mike can sleep(cough) through the night (or maybe better that at least one of can sleep!) We had an inspection today to make sure our home is livable (did I mention that the sweet guy did come about 30 minutes early) but he was such a kind-hearted man and we passed with flying colors! I really do not think it will be longer than a week, but we just do not know. So anyways, thank-you for your prayers. There are such a strength to us through this time. We can not wait to bring little C home, and start to bond and share some firsts with him. Even though it will not be some of his firsts, it will firsts for us. So we are ready to bring him home, to be able to be his Mommy and Daddy. Hopefully, thinks will fall into place and he will be with us this time next week!

What a Day!!!

Remember this handsome guy that I am privileged to be married to? Remember how this amazing man is the most wonderful father and is incredibly patient with me? Remember how he has been pretty sick since the morning that we got to see our little C? Yeah, that would be the same guy who was diagnosed with a lovely case of PNEUMONIA this morning?!?! Remember how Emily was already at wit's end and felt like she could take nothing more and now she has a super-sick husband that is MISERABLE?!?! But remember how we have some AMAZING people who are super supportive and that because of them, we pretty much will have little C come next Monday or Tuesday? Seriously, if you ever are in a predicament like ours, she is the gal to have, fighting on your side! That little news makes our day. Now I am off to clean some more and take care of my super-sweet hubby. Also, our niece is pretty sick, so prayers would be GREATLY appreciated for her and her family.

A Time and Place to Be Open.

I am apprehensive about sharing openly about all that is going on, but I am at the point where I have had it and am fed up with everything. So, I think I am going to start a separate blog about the legalities and frustrations of this situation. I am not sure how many read my blog on a day to day basis, but I will make THAT blog private (NOT THIS ONE), which only allows for 100 readers. It is hard to say "well you can read about what is going on, but the rest of you can't." I know those of you who comment regularly, and I would be happy to invite the regular, open readers. And I think I will just have to go with my gut after that, to know who to trust. So for those of you who read and comment regularly, either leave your e-mail addresses or you can e-mail them privately to our email, littleforeverfamily@gmail.com. My biggest worry is having more than a hundred readers and hurting some feelings. Please do not take offense, everyone will understand better at some point, just not right now. Thanks.

Very Hard.

One of my biggest pitfalls in life is patience. I am notorious for doing things on a whim, and when I am told I need to be patient, I HATE it. I'm not sure why it is taking so long to get all the paperwork so that we can get our sweet boy, but it is. He will a month on Sunday, and it hurts that I have only been able to see him for one hour of that whole month. It is frustrating being told originally that it would only take two weeks, and having that two weeks turn into an additional two weeks, and than just having them say they do not know when the paperwork and everything will be completed, we just have to be patient. I just want to scream! Why does this have to be so hard?I feel like I am at whit's end for being patient! I am trying to distract myself, but I am finding it hard to focus on anything else than making this happen! Grrrrrrr!!! I think Heavenly Father is tiring of hearing my whining, and I am trying so hard to not, but it hurts. It sucks that this hurts so much. I know that if there is no pain, there is no growth. But I swear this pain of losing our first two kids and having to be "patient" and wait for the paperwork to come through hurts, and it hurts bad. I'm going to stop whining now, because I am so grateful for our little guy. I just wish with all my heart he was here, in our home, being loved by us and getting to know us, the people who are going to be his parents. It feels better venting, so now I am going to take this frustration and put it to use by unpacking and cleaning some more.

Not What We Expected, but Still So Good.

Wow! The last two days have been intense, and it honestly feels like we have been gone a week. The "meeting" with the two sides occurred yesterday. It was an hour long, and we were pretty drained after. It was not in our favor, per-say, but we do still get our precious boy, we are just going to have to be patient while the paperwork is finished. We wish we could explain, but just know that someday the complete story will be shared, when C is ours for good. We stayed down an extra night to relax, and just have a little couple time, because it is coming quickly to an end. We are hoping that we do not have to wait longer than a week, maybe two at the most, to be able to bring him home. When he was placed in our arms today, it was the most humbling experience. He will be ours, but right now he is with the nicest and sweetest couple. They are taking AMAZING care of him, and he is truly happy. He is the cutest, smiliest little guy. He loves to be cuddled and snuggled, and were more than obliging for the time we got to be with him. It is killing Mike not to be able to openly share the pictures, but just know he has a ton of dark hair, he is short and chubby, and he really just melts your heart. We smothered him with kisses and loves, got to change his diaper a whopping three times, and even got to feed him. His "Mom" and "Dad", (they will forever be the parents who took care of him and loved him first until he does come home with us) are so wonderful, made a scrapbook for us of his first few weeks, have the clothes he came home in for us, and have videos and cd's of pictures for us. We could not ask for better first parents. Thank-you for the prayers. We absolutely could feel the peace and we were able to be strong. Our prayers are now directed to seeing that the paperwork comes through quickly and we can get everything completed to have him with us as soon as possible. We will update, as soon as we know anything!

Very Emotional and a Sweet Angel

Just wanted to express my sincere condolences to the Haws family. Their little girl Mercydez passed away this morning. She reminded me of our Lilly and was the sweetest thing ever. Ashley and Nic, we love Mercydez and are gratefulto have met her. Our lives are better because of her. We love you and are praying for you!

Yesterday was a pretty neat day. We had adoption training for 8 hours, and although pretty long (and my bum actually went numb from sitting so long) it was a pretty neat day. There was a panel of adopted children ranging from 14 to 30, there was a panel of adopted parents, and to top it off, there was a panel of birth mothers. I am in angst about going down to southern Utah tonight for our "meeting" tomorrow. I really have a lot of peace and truly have felt the spirit so strong the last 2 1/2 weeks. But even with a lot of peace, I can also feel a battle being waged between peace and despair, and that the doubts and fears are just ready to bring us down. We are hoping to bring baby C home tomorrow (or Tuesday) but we are trying our best to not get our hopes up. The biggest highlight for me is being able to have breakfast with a dear friend and fellow angel mom that I have never physically met, but feel such a strong connection too. Our little boys were born not to far apart from each other and her little angel Wyatt was born heart healthy but very unexpectedly passed away from a virus that infected his heart and caused him to go into failure. They are an amazing family and a great support to many. Oh how full my heart is! I can not begin to express the gratitude we feel for the many prayers. Tomorrow is a huge day, and is daunting to think that so much will be decided. And these decisions have immediate impact upon our family. So remember us. Our "meeting" is tomorrow at 1:00 pm. So wish us luck, and we will post as soon as we get home. All our love and appreciation to each of you. The best is truly yet to come. We are also asking for prayers for sweet Grace. She is puzzling the doctors and we are all ready to have her home. So lots of prayers, and just know we are so, so grateful to all!

Sorry for Posting Again.

I am now posting for the second time today, and I really just cannot help myself. I hate unknowns. We knew this would be hard, but I guess just like losing our two kids, I never realized the extreme emotions we would be feeling right now. This is such a roller-coaster. And not just any roller-coaster; its the kind where your stomach sinks hill, after hill, after whirly-loop, and then comes the stop where you are supposed to get off, but for some reason it does not and you continue to go up, and down, and around. My head is pounding, and that blessed headache is because I have been crying, even though I am not supposed to be crying (our case-worker told me to just not worry, that this is not the time to worry.) Just by-the-way, telling someone to not worry does not guarantee that they will not. No, our birthmother has not changed her mind, nor has her family. It is just the joys of so many unknowns that come from working with the blessed other parties involved. Please do not say that things will work out the way Heavenly Father has intended them to, because I do realize that, but it does not help hearing it right now. Just tell me that this does indeed suck and it is hard, but it will be worth it. Every day feels like a week right now. I do ultimately have peace, but I do worry about the pains we will have to face and are facing. I just wish things could make sense. I am tired of stress right now, and I really do not want to get up and go to work in the morning. Life goes on, stressed or not. Grrrrrr!!!!! I really am not angry, just pure frustration at not knowing what will happen. We want this little boy so much. We already love him so much. We just do not understand why things seem to need to take the more difficult path. So forgive me, I need to go and take some headache medicine and pray.

A New Day

Thank heavens for fresh starts of each and every day. I think I sounded a bit ungrateful yesterday, and that is not an attitude I need to have right now. I know this is going to be hard, because the end results are so worth it. And that's what I need to keep thinking. I just look at "C"'s little face and I just know that I want to wake up every morning to that adorable little face! And the other agency is doing everything they can to make this happen as quickly as possible. We go back down next week. Exactly a week from now, we will be sitting in court, praying for the amazing lawyers of LDS family services. The judge will see us, the other side's lawyer will see us. Our birth-mother and birth-grandmother will know that we are there, because we love little "C" so much, and we want to bring him home. We will not be able to say what is in our hearts. But we know that there are feelings and promptings that can not always be physically heard or even seen, and we will have peace. Because peace is how we will make it through. I will continue nesting this week (you should see my bathroom, I'm not sure the tub or "throne" have sparkled as such in a long time.) The house and everything will be in order for preparation of getting our little boy. So keep praying for us. I will never be able to begin to express my gratitude for the amazing blessing of prayers said in behalf of our family. They are why I am still pretty sane after what we have been through. And the comments are like little personal cheerleaders saying you can do it! So thank-you! Hopefully, very soon we will have good news and we will have our little boy home with us!