A Bittersweet Day

I will say this disclaimer, because I hate sounding ungrateful: I am so happy to be Collin's Mom. He blesses our lives continually, and I could not be more grateful for him. That being said, I am not a fan of mother's day. It truly is a love/hate relationship, but today more of the hate side of things. It does not help that I spent the morning at a memorial remembering Lilly and Ryker and many, many, many other babies (really too many others). Nor does it help having the hormones, from pregnancy, raging through my body. I miss Lilly and Ryker. I ache to hold them again in my arms. Today is one of those days in grieving when you feel the literal pain of loss. It physically hurts how much I miss them. I wish they were here with us, healthy and happy. Another aspect of not liking mothers day is that I hate that there are so many wishing/wanting so badly to be mothers, but can't, and yet, they would be some of the most wonderful mothers a child could ask for. It is like having salt placed on a wound. It hurts. But I goo back to the feeling that I should be grateful I have had children, and am a mother to Collin, and there are still so many waiting. So I feel even more guilt. I remember last year, being so happy that we had brought Collin home, but still feeling hurt because I did not have all of my children. I am saddened for my friends who have lost their little ones, for their hurt hearts and aching arms. As I looked around this morning, at the countless number of families, with the siblings, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends there, having experienced the effects of the loss of  a child (and even some children) that it just broke my heart. And I could not help but just sob when I saw a picture of one of the babies that I had the honor of meeting, whose twin brother was born still, and he will never be able to have his best buddy like Mike does with his twin. I saw the pain in the eyes of those women, some whom either had other children or have had children since, and saw their sadness and heartache. Life goes on, whether you like it or not. But that piece of your heart always aches. This October, Lilly would have been 4 and Ryker would have been 3, and although time helps to ease the emptiness, it still never fades. I sometimes think of myself as forever broken. So maybe tomorrow, as you honor you mothers or wives, maybe just keep a little prayer in your heart for the women who would love to be moms and those who have lost a child (or children.) These days are very bittersweet. So I wish not only a Happy Mothers Day to the mothers out there, but also a little prayer and words of gratitude to those remarkable women whom love like a mother, whether they are a mother or not.