Friday, May 14, 2010
Perfection... Not My Thing.
I was reading a friends blog tonight. I love reading her blog, because to me she is pretty remarkable, very kind, very talented, and someone I wish I could be more like. I am so far from perfect. I feel like the goal of trying to be the best me is sometimes impossible, because a lot of days I am just tired. My homemaking skills are crap because when I go to cook, I feel sick and sometimes get sick. I think Mike grows tired of my bland cooking. And I need to stay home and clean my house so badly, but I go back to being tired. Something I do feel like I am good at is being a Mom. I love Collin more and more every day, and some days, when I have to go to work, it breaks my heart because I miss him and I know he misses me. Now he can be a naughty little stinker, but I can only be upset for him a whole minute before I start laughing or just grab him and hug him. I love when he hands me a book and puts his arms up to climb into my lap to be read to. I love how if you are laying on the floor or laying on the bed he will "tackle" you and just bust up giggling. His giggle kills me. I worry about sharing my attention and love with both Collin and this new little boy. I know everything will be fine. I know probably every Mom has these fears and anxieties. It is one of the reasons I am going for a VBAC, so that I am not so down and out that I cannot lift Collin. I try so hard to make sure he listens to good music although the kid bops to just about anything (he was bouncing and laughing at my version of "All the Single Ladies" tonight) and just makes us laugh! But as good as a mom as I try to be, it seems like I cannot get so many other parts of my life right. I guess that is why we have this life, to become better people. And I guess that is why I was given our miracles, each and every one of them. I miss Lilly and Ryker. It is probably why I so look forward to seeing Collin after my long work days, because the reunion is so exciting. When that little boy goes running to my arms, I could just melt. So I guess I will look forward to the day when two little boys come running to their Momma, I will have found that balance, and reach down and embrace my two little turkeys. Anyways, I had better sign off. This has made me tearful enough for one night!!! Gotta love the hormones. :)
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Oh Emily we are all perfect in our own ways! If we were all perfect in everything think of how boring life would be! Good luck with the VBAC thing. Its funny because I am begging for a c-section with my next one. I dont want to mess up some surgery I had done and I had stressful deliveries with the others so c-section it is. I may regret it and I may change my mind but the nice thing is is that I should have a few more years to completely make up my mind!
ReplyDeleteI always feel like a bad mom when I'm pregnant. My hormones get the best of me an I lose my temper more often than I would like. Add that to the fatigue, and the aches and pains which stopped me from playing with my kids they way I wanted to.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry. It will pass, soon enough you will be your own self again. It's all worth it, you know that.
I hope you don't mind, I just found your blog. We have a little something in common. On January 24th 2010 our 3 child Colette was born. 5 short hours later she was back in the arms of our Heavenly Father. It has been over 3 months and our pain has not lessened. I'm not sure that it every will. But like you we also are looking forward to the day that we can be together forever. My heat aches for you and I am amazed by your strength. To know that you have endured this not once but twice... You and your family are truly amazing. Please know that you are in my prayers. Feel free to stop and see our blog, You are welcome to read the story of our Colette if you would like.
ReplyDeleteHi Emily. I found your blog from the milk share web site :-) I haven't attempted pumping yet (with my 2.5 week old) and I don't know how that will go since last time my supply when pumping was pathetic. Anyhoo, I'll let you know if that's something I decide to do... Where are you at in Utah? I'm in Idaho. I just wanted to let you know of some resources if you didn't know already and that's the links below. I'm a huge advocate of Evidence Based Maternity Care which includes VBACs. I'll also put my friend Robyn's blog as well because she's a big inspiration to me as a mother. She is a VBA1C mom and also has an angel. Their 2 year old passed away from the spinach contamination that happened a few years ago. She has some wonderful posts about birth and her son. She has a reverence for birth and death. She started the ICAN (Internatioal Cecarean Awarenss Network) in Pocatello, ID. My e-mail is shannonlovesrob@gmail.com if you ever want to talk about birth options. It's my passion in life. Birth is phenomenal and I hope and will pray that you will have a healing, inspiring birth :-)
ReplyDeleteWarmly,
Shannon
http://www.ican-online.org/
http://www.utahbirth.net/
http://allgoodtreasuresinheaven.blogspot.com/