Ryker's Angel Day

I would like to make a few disclaimers: this post is unusually long, and full of pictures. Some of these pictures are of Ryker, after he had passed away. Remember, it is extremely difficult to share these, but they need to be shared. This is a hard day, but the knowledge of the gospel lifts us.

I wish I could say that it does not hurt. I wish I can say there were not a lot of tears. But part of mourning is letting our hurt show, mourning together. I wanted to share how this day came to be. So I will start at the very beginning.

Saturday, December 15, 2007, was a day Mike and I and our family looked forward for a long time. Ryker had been intubated for seven weeks, and we were so excited to finally experience the joys of having him extubated. The whole week prior, they had been trialing and exercising him in preparation for the day. They were planning to extubate him the night before, but it was my first night back to work, and so I asked if they could wait for Mike and I to both be there. (I am so glad that I am a pushy Mom because I could not imagine if we had not been there, I shutter to consider the possibility) Saturday morning, I came home from work, slept for a few hours and we headed up to Primary's. Mike, his Mom, and I stood there with tears of joy, as they removed Ryker's breathing tube. That first little cry brought tears to all, even the doctors. It was amazing!



After about 30 minutes, we were both starving and went down to get some food. We hurried through, and on our way back to his room, stopped to say hi to a couple of heart families and share our amazing news. One of our favorite nurses Ken let us know that he thought they were reintubating Ryker. We headed into his room, and sure enough, they were. It was hard, because he had only been extubated for about 45 minutes. But we knew this was a very real possibility.  Even after they quickly intubated, we watched as his oxygen levels dropped from the 60's, to the 50's,  the 40's, the 30's, and down to the teens and 20's. I remember yelling out "NO!", when I saw them wheel the blue crash cart, just thinking this could not be happening.  We called our families, and I recall begging and pleading for them to please hurry up there, that something was desperately wrong. Shauntelle, another heart Mom, came and brought us soft tissues and just hugged us. A short while later, our families started arriving, and that's when the the cardiothorasic surgeon and cardiologist came to talk with us. Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Yetman were honest and kind with us, telling us that the only option we had at that point was to surgically place Ryker onto the ECMO machine. Dr. Hawkins let us know that he did not feel like it was the best option. Ryker's o2 were at 19 then, and had been for about 40 min. We just felt so overwhelmingly knew that it was time to say goodbye, and without more then a simple nod to one another, Mike and I told them it was time. Heavenly Father was calling our sweet, sweet baby boy home.



We went into his room, and took some pictures, and I began removing IV's, lines, and leads, as they were no longer needed. The veil was so thin, and the peace there was tremendous. Mike, my Dad, his Dad, and one or two brother-in-laws gave him a name and blessing, while the nursing team pushed in a huge couch, so that Mike and I could hold our sweet baby for one last time.



They put Ryker in our arms and we held him, enjoying our last earthly moments we had with sweet Ryker. They removed the breathing tube and Ryker quickly passed from this world. It just broke our hearts. Our family then took turns holding Ryker's little body, as none of them had had the chance previously, since he had been so sick.




My dear sister-from-other-misters were there to support us. Abby was pregnant with her little first at the time, and Courtney worked in the PICU that Ryker lived his short seven weeks in.



One of my favorite things that I have from my baby's passing is the beautiful hand and foot molds they did for us. This is a picture of us when they were doing Ryker's hand molds.



I love this picture. I love the bond these two brothers and best friends share. Jason was always kind of an extra part to Mike. He was an extension and he has been there for Mike on some dark, hard days. I can only imagine that because Mike and Jason are so close and share so much, that Jason understands better than most the pain and heartache.



My sister Megan. I do not need to convey the love she has for Ryker. The picture is worth a million words, words that would never describe the love.



One of my favorite pictures is Mike holding Ryker. I am sorry to other Dads, I am a bit biased, but I have yet to meet a man who adores his children more. The reason why I love this picture is the overwhelming peace that is shown in Mike's face, and as I write this, I feel that peace again.





I am grateful for the knowledge I have of being sealed to Ryker and Lilly. We mourn the loss of our angel, and know that he will comfort us through this hard time. I look forward to the day I will see my babies again, and hold them to me. We love you Ryker, and honor you this day.