I fell asleep crying last night. I hate falling asleep crying. Ryker's angel day is quickly approaching, and I started entertaining the thoughts and emotions that I was going through last year. The last week of Ryker's life was such a joyful one. These two pictures were taken exactly one year ago today. It was an AMAZING day, one filled of Mom finally being able to hold her baby after SIX LONG WEEKS! Six weeks people! It was incredibly hard to watch your precious baby each day, and not be able to do anything more than touch him and talk to him. This precious gift was given to me, and I know without a shadow of a doubt this was truly a blessing from my loving Father-in-Heaven. Ryker behaved for a whole minute, and than was p-o'd, and I was eager to hand him back. This was a doubly cool day, because the Utah Jazz came to Primary's! These two kind gentleman (see the picture below) are Ronnie Brewer and Paul Milshap (I apologize if I butchered those names, Mike is the Jazz fan.) They were so nice, soo tall, and it truly was an amazing day. I wish I could have that day again, I wish I could hold Ryker in my arms, just one more day. I miss him. We miss him.
I love that picture of you holding Ryker. It is so sweet. I remember seeing that picture of the Jazz men at the funeral.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something I could say that would make it all better. I wish I could carry your grief for you, even just for one day. I am so glad you got to hold little Ryker, even just once. I hope you can feel him holding you now. I bet he's a handsome young man.
Oh both those pictures are sure priceless. I CAnnot imagine not holding my daughters for over 6 weeks. I was po'd that they didn't let me hold Mercede until she was like 4 days old (there was no reason, I shouldn't of gotten to hold her sooner, I just had bad nurses who were VERY rude, although I did get to hold her at birth for a minute). I remember the pain of seeing other mothers with their babies and feeling so lonely that I couldn't have mine. I still remember how badly that hurt and I know you had that feeling magnified 100x.
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you this season. May god gift you with peace.
Hi - You don't know me, but I saw your request for comments, and this is my first visit. I found your blog linked to a friend's blog.
ReplyDeleteYour two angel babies are beautiful. I have never lost a child, but waited many many years before I was able to have my son (who is also named Ryker). I understand the yearning and heartbreak of wanting a baby and can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Best of luck to you and your family.
Hi Emily, You don't know me either, but I am part of IHH my little one is Kylie, She is a HLHS baby too. I have been following your blog since the day I became part of IHH. You are such a stong person and have such great faith. It makes me so greatful for those of you who have your angels. It shows me that it is hard, but life can go on. You really are an inspitation to me. I hope your adoption process goes well and quickly. Hope you don't mind me checking your blog. I just love to keep up on your family.
ReplyDeleteChrissie
P.s. I have a blog if you want to follow it I will invite you. Just let me know. My email in on the IHH website.
Your picture with Ryker is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI have two children and they are my life. I can't imagine not to hold them for six weeks.
I admire you and your husband so much.You have been living very hard moments but you are strong enough to go on. You are an example to me!
¡Hasta otro día!
Un abrazo.
Silvia.
I found your blog through other heart baby blogs. I'm sorry to hear about your losses and pray that you will be given the strength you need on Ryker's angel day. As much as hearing it doesn't make it any better, at least we know that your sweet children are sealed to you and waiting for you. I admire your courage and faith.
ReplyDeleteEmily, Hey I wondered if you might check out this family and shed some light on their new hard news... dannyandheidimcmillan.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteIt seems that you two sweet ladies have tons in common... And nothing I think you would wish on anyone... A heart baby with HLHS and now they are expecting a baby that has a severly underdeveloped brain... I know that it might be very difficult.... I am also sure that I can never tell her the right things except that I hope for them and pray for them... As we do for you as well.... Much Love... Brynn
Emily, I have always admired your strength and courage. I can't and never will be able to comprehend the pain that you must feel on these and many days. Please know that I am often praying for your family. I also can't wait to see the amazing children that will come into your famiies life. I am the mom that Brynn wrote you about. I thought about your sweet babies as we found out about our child's diagnosis. I will keep you updated as we find out more if you would like.
ReplyDeleteI guess we wrote each other at the same time. Funny how things happen sometimes. Thank you for the note. I will email you when we find out more.
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