Today

Six months ago today, at about this very moment, Mike and I were standing together, in Ryker's room, hearing the teeny-hoarse cry that comes from a tiny angel that has been intubated for the prior seven weeks. We cried tears of joy, knowing that Ryker was that much closer to coming home. We sat there and just watched him for about 20-30 minutes, just so grateful and peaceful. We left to go get some lunch, hurried and ate, and the came back up about 15-20 minutes later. I remember clearly standing in another heart baby's room, and a nurse telling us that they are about to re-intubate Ryker. We went in his room, and sadly they were. It was quite the let-down, and we we were assured over and over that this is common and happens a lot. Something did not seem right with me. Call it Mother's intuition, but I truly could sense something was not right. We were standing outside his room, looking through the window and staring at the monitor. I remember seeing it drop bit by bit, till I saw the number "49". I decided to go ahead then and call the Grandparents. I advised them to hurry up to PCMC, that something did not seem right. I continued to watch the numbers drop, and then it seemed that all at once the world was slipping away from me. I called the Grandparents again, this time on a cell phone (they usually do not allow cell phones on the PICU). I hastened them to hurry. It was truly then that I felt and knew that the outcome would not be what we had hoped for Ryker. I sobbed, and cried out in pain, because the thought of losing my precious baby once more was more then I could physically bear. Another Mom came and embraced me, and gave me some soft tissues. Mike and I clung to one-another. The nurse came and told us that they were not sure what was going on. They had a couple of nurses, cardiologists, attendings, fellows, and they had just called in the cardio thoracic, Dr. Hawkins. They had brought the blue crash cart, and I yelped out. They said they were just trying to ward off the demons, that they hopefully would not have to use it. Our parents got there, and we just watched everyone working on him. They asked if we wanted a private room, and we told them no, that we just wanted to stay close. They worked on him, scanned him, did everything they could to figure out what was wrong. His O2 sats were 19 then , and had been for some time. They brought the ECMO machine (heart by-pass) and Dr. Hawkins came out to talk to us. He said that they would need to put him on ECMO for him to live, but he was no sure if he would make it to be put on. Mike and I looked at each, and it was the overwhelming sense of someone speaking both to our minds that it was time to say goodbye to Ryker. We told Dr. Hawkins that we would like to bless and name him, and after we would like to stop everything they were doing so that we could just hold him in our arms till he passed. Mike, his Dad, my Dad, and my to-be brother-in-law Cody, laid their hands on Ryker, giving him and name and blessing. Mike spoke of his valiant, strong spirit, and then released home to the arms of his sister and family that were waiting on the other side for him. One of the doctors stood there, pushing the Epinephrine, while I took off all the lines and such and wrapped him in a blanket. They continued to push air into his lungs, and then once he was in Mike's and my arms, they stopped. He slipped away peacefully, surrounded by those who had loved him most on this earth. We let everyone hold him. For everyone besides Mike and I and my Mom, this was the first and last time they would hold Ryker. We just held him, and held him, till the time came to say good-bye. About 20 minutes after Ryker passed, I felt the presence of a young man come into the room and stand close to me. It was a peaceful feeling, and I at once recognized the spirit of the son I was holding in my arms. Six months now, there is still the wound. It never completely heals, although it does shrink in size with time. Once in awhile, the Band aid comes off, and it hurts, but it is not long till it put back on to continue with the healing. Ryker-we love and miss you today, and know that we look forward to reunion we will one day have. I hope that every one of the Dads, specially those of angels themselves, have wonderful Father's Day.