Monday, June 23, 2008
Sticky Situations
This is mike posting again for those who don't know me, usually Emily is the one who posts but I sat their in bed pondering something that has been on my mind lately and had to share it. Em and I work at the hospital where we come in contact with new people daily, as part of our day we usually visit and talk with our patients. Most see my wedding ring and start asking how long have I been married etc. Often the question is asked " How many children do you have?" This is when I usually pause. What do I say? Honestly sometimes I am not in the mood to share the whole story of losing our two angels, or feel it is just two personal. So sometimes I pretty much lie and say oh none yet or just say oh we have two. This often nags at me because I feel horrible for lying, but I mean what do you do in that situation? It is hard to have to relive those moments time and time again. So as hard as it is sometimes we have to relive those moments we have pushed into the back of our minds hopefully never to be remembered knowing that it makes us a better person and hopefully brings us closer to a person we may not really know.
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You don't know me but I've seen your comments on heart baby blogs and have stalked your blogs. (true confession.) I admire the way you've handled adversity and know you'll come to grips with this issue too. Also love to hear about your celestial dog Skip.
ReplyDeleteMy DH and I had fertility problems and when people asked, "So, when are you going to start your family?" an innocent question (for them) was really emotional for me. Especially when someone asked that question just after I miscarried. I had several answers but the most effective was to speak like an old-lady phone operator and say, "I'm sorry, we are not allowed to give out that information."
In your situation, I would just answer "Two" and change the subject (not too abruptly.) The people who are askinsg would usually rather talk about their own circumstances than anyone else's so if you keep the conversation centered on them, they'll think you're great listeners and never know how difficult it was for you to answer their question about your family.
I too have found your blog via other blogs and I enjoy reading it, even though it makes me cry at times. I just wanted to tell you both how amazing you are. I cannot imagine the grief that you have suffered and I truly admire your strong spirits and testimonies. I know that Heavenly Father has MANY great things in store for you and your angels. It is so important to try and maintain an eternal perspective when going through difficult things like this. I have never lost a child, but I did lose my mother when I was 11 so I can sympathize with the grieving. Time does help...not heal. You will never forget those special babies, but continue to look forward to the day when you will be gloriously reunited. You must be the most amazing parents in the world for the Lord to trust you with His most special spirits.
ReplyDeleteMike,
ReplyDeleteWhen Dan and I were trying to get pregnant, and it wasn't working, we had a lot of people ask what we were waiting for.
Then when I was pregnant with Preston strangers would often as me if this was my first. I never knew how to answer that question. He is my second baby, but it was my first pregnancy. No matter how I answered the question I felt like I was lying. I didn't want to share my whole story with every curious person on the street.
I used to complain about this all the time. Then I realized that my issues paled in comparison to yours and Emily's. I don't know what I would say to people if I were in your shoes. It isn't easy for sure! Maybe dodge the question, "We have a furbaby, named Skip." or say, We have two." and quickly change the subject before they ask anymore questions.
Hey Mike and Emily, Its Stacy Jones.. you might not remember me, I used it hang with Jason befor me both got hitched. and you two moved into our appartment in American Fork. anyway.. Jason and I chatted on line a week or so ago and we exchanged blog addresses and I saw yours. I just wanted to say "HI" and tell you what Beautiful kids you have.. I would be proud to tell people about your kids. (though I am sure its very hard) my sister has two kids that have "gotten their wings" as well, one was from a heart defect also.
ReplyDeleteI have read your blog a few times.. you two have the biggest hearts ever, you are so loving and kind to everyone.
you have taught me a big life lesson through your blog. sometimes I think I am too selfish in life.. I need to remember that everyone has a trijal they are going through and not just me.. you have helped me realize that Thank you!!
Love always
Stacy
All of 'your secret blog readers' are commenting today!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through one of the many heart babies I read, hope for and pray for. Your family is included in those hopes and prayers!
I have never lost a child and can not begin to comprehend your loss. So when I write this it is strictly my opinion and obviously I can not fully understand.
In response to your question, I think you should always tell people about your babies.
I too work in healthcare and make the same 'small talk/getting to know you talk' with strangers all the time. I have heard responses that I was not prepared for or 'out of the norm' but it has helped me understand that person better and be able to serve them better.
I also think in the opposite case it helps the patient (or whoever) realize that other people have many hard things going on in their lives and we should do our best to help othes etc.
I think everyone would treat each other better if we could all get a little glimpse into their personal lives!
Anyway, sorry this is getting long and you have probably 'heard enough' from this stranger! I do want to tell you both that you have inspired me and your beautiful babies are so very lucky to have the both of you as parents!
Mike and Em, reading this post made me realize how a simple little question could be such a hard thing to answer. I agree that either way you are not lying, you are just preventing a hard situation. You know and honestly that's all that matters. Your little angels are so very proud to be your kids and you guys, you know that you are very special parents to have had them come and get their bodies. Now they are off doing so many glorious things and especially watching over their mommy and daddy. I sure do love you guys. Hope you both are feeling ok. Hope to see you soon.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I have lost a son. I say I have 2 daughters and an angel son.
ReplyDeleteI also was married 10 years without being able to have children and when through all the questions of are you going to have children. That is so hard when there are people that don't take care on the ones they have. It just hurt and nothing seemed to help.
I was remarried and then had my 2 girls and my angel son that is now with his dad who I lost 3 years ago.
We do know that we can all be together again. I am looking forward to that time.
Though I have not exactly gone through what you two have gone through I have miscarried. I consider that I have 4 children. I can't really say what is best for you, but when I went through the miscarriage I found it very comforting to know that others had gone through a similar situation. Personally, I do not know if I could say no children because that is not true. However, I can understand that you might not want to share the whole story. Maybe you could say I have 2 children but they passed away. If the people ask further questions. I might say. I am sorry, but would you mind if we changed the subject. I don't want to be rude, but it is still very painful for me. I think you could say this without feeling bad. Then there might be times you do want to share the story because you know it will help someone else. There is a sister in our ward who lost a child to cancer at age 8 she always says she has 5 children then she elaborates when the situations arises. I am sure you will figure out what is best.
ReplyDelete