Our Beautiful Baby

We had our anatomy scan today. I was very nervous, in the days leading up to this (as I have shared previously) but was surprisingly peaceful this morning. After dropping off our boys to a really sweet friend (who volunteered to watch our boys last minute) we headed to the appointment. We hardly had to wait (thankfully) and were taken back. The tech (her name is Cami) is one who has scanned us many times before, so knew our nervousness. Our little gal was in quite the position, but she did cooperate, in her own timing. The tech (and later the doctor) confirmed she was a girl. 

It was funny, because after the tech scanned, the perinatologist came in, and said "well, exciting news" and I said "whoo-hoo, a 4 chambered heart." He just looked at me, shook his head, and laughed. He said "yes, that too, but I was saying congrats on the girl." (Yep, we REALLY just want a healthy baby.) He again looked at everything, some more in-depth shots, and even printed off some photos of that GORGEOUS 4 chambered heart. 

We were just so excited to see everything there: kidneys, beautiful lobes of the brain, and a lovely heart. We still go in about 4-5 weeks for a fetal echocardiogram, and then follow up the week later with perinatology, but we breathed a HUGE sigh of relief today. I told Mike that I feel like I am 70% relieved, with the next 10% coming at the fetal echo, with another 10% coming the week later when things still look good, and the last 10% coming when I am holding our sweet daughter in my arms. Thank-you for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words. They have helped us to find peace. We are so excited for this little girl to come into our lives and wrap her brothers and dad around her sweet little fingers. I watched Collin and Jacob tonight, with their 10 month old cousin, and it made me so excited to see their interactions with their little sister. Here is one last cute picture, of our sweet little gal's foot. 

I am off to bed, as a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders. :)

35 Hours

Not that I am counting or anything, but we are down to 35 hours until our scan. Our sweet neighbor will be watching our boys, while Mike and I head in to Maternal Fetal Medicine. I am really hoping it is one of the techs we know so well, because the one we had last time was unfamiliar, and I need all the familiarity that is possible for this. I have been holding it together, but tonight, at around 5, I lost it. I started sobbing, and then became frustrated, and just wanted to hit something. This is why this baby has to be our last biologically, because I cannot do this physically or emotionally, and I am fairly sure Mike would have to have me committed. I am not sure I am going to be able to shake the anxiety now. I am just grateful my sister and brother-in-law are blessing their baby tomorrow, because it will a welcome distraction. I am just hoping this scan will bring peace. I think there will still be some nervousness, post appointment, with the details the fetal echo will bring, and because Jacob's issues did not show up until he was 22 weeks (but that is not supposed to be genetically linked). But we will take a huge amount of comfort in hopefully seeing 4 chambers, and the lobes of the brain, and the kidneys, etc., and that will help. Please keep us in your prayers, to find peace through the next 35 hours, and beyond. We need them, and do feel the difference. Thank-you.

Peace

It is interesting the mix of the emotion I have had the last little while. Something that seemed ever present in my pregnancies with Ryker and Jacob, and even looking back now with Lilly, there was such a feeling of something being wrong with my baby. I even had a serious breakdown with Ryker, at 17 weeks, when I just felt such feelings of utter sadness that there was something wrong with my baby. When I found out I was pregnant with this little gal, I felt immense and instant feelings of peace. Those lasted a few days, and then I was left with feelings of fear, of what could/would happen? And then this last week, I have fought with feelings of peace and fear. But I know/feel like the feelings of fear come from the dark forces of this world, while the feelings of peace come from the prayers and comfort of those of this world and the angels that attend to us. So I am clinging to those feelings of peace, and trying my best to do what I can to entertain those feelings. And I feel the strength of the prayers from every person that kindly remembers us in their thoughts and prayers. I am not sure what will come next Monday. But I know that I will be okay regardless. Our appointment is at 10 am next Monday. This little girl will be loved regardless of what we are faced with (and hopefully not faced with.) I will still have my moments of anxiety/fear, but I will turn to my Heavenly Father and to Mike, and will find the peace to get through. I have also started a little blanket for this sweet princess, and that helps to keep my hands and mind busy. I will not update again until next Monday, so please keep us in your prayers for this 18 week ultrasound. Thank-you, from the bottom of our hearts.

I also have found some IMMENSE peace from this song. 

Getting Through

We are down to exactly 2 weeks until we go to Perinatology, to see what the future holds for our little miss. Although this is not the fetal echocardiogram, it is the major step in seeing (hopefully) 4 chambers of the heart (as well as checking everything else out). As this looms closer, I feel more and more nervous. I can stay distracted (mostly) when my boys are awake, but in the evenings, I start to think, start to worry, and it gets to me. I have been just busting out in tears, without much of a push, partly because of the hormones, but a lot in part because of the absolute anxiety of this. I love this baby so much, and just want her to be okay. I am praying my heart out, but I need the assistance of asking for as many prayers as possible, for not only for this little baby to be okay, but for me (and Mike) to be able to find peace. And if you have any ideas or projects, please share. I need all the distractions I can get. 

It's a......

We had a chance this week to find out what we are having. It may seem silly to get excited about what we are having, but finding out is about the only normal step we have during pregnancy, and so we just really wanted to celebrate what we are having, and focusing on the fun of that. My OB's office offers a free 15-18 week scan, so we scheduled the ultrasound. Two days before, one of my Labor and Delivery friends took a look, and our baby was not bashful about showing off. I still wanted to take a second look, so at the ultrasound, the tech started scanning. And after just a minute, she said "well this little one is not bashful." The tech showed us the picture, and sure enough, our baby was sitting there, bum in the air with the perfect view. 

We are so excited! This is our last baby (biologically at least), and we are praying this little gal is healthy. We have a name picked out for her (not 100% for sure, but pretty sure). We have a little over two weeks and then we will find out if all is well, when perinatology takes a thorough look. We tried to look and see if there were 4 chambers, but I had a large fibroid that was blocking the view of the heart. So we wait, and pray, that this sweet baby girl will be healthy. 

My Cute Guys

I had one of those magical moments tonight. I have been so sick today, battling a horrendous migraine. It left me stuck in my bed all afternoon, with a pillow over my head, sobbing and praying for some relief. The migraine finally eased this evening, and I was able to spend time with my cute little family. Mike and I take turns reading and tucking Collin and Jacob into bed, each night. Our routine usually starts with Mike brushing teeth (he is just on top of it, in a way I only can try to be.) The boys then come down, pick their books, and we read to them (sometimes together, sometimes with one little guy upstairs and the other little guy downstairs.) I was reading to Collin and Jacob tonight, had finished singing to him, and was heading downstairs. I called Jacob to come with me, and he stood there, beside his brother's bed and said "pay, momma, pay." I told him "no, not tonight, we will play in the morning." He again said "momma, pay." I shook my head, as I watched my sweet two year old, kneel down and fold his arms. While I had forgotten this important step, my little sweetheart had remembered. I love that Jacob brings such a spirit to our home. He is not perfect, but he is attuned to the spirit as I could only wish to be. He loves to sing hymns, loves to listen to church music, loves to sing his heart out during Sacrament, and just is such a sensitive spirit. He does not like loud yelling or noise, cries when voices are raised, and I thank Heavenly Father every day for his presence in our home.

Collin's strength that he brings to our home is very different to Jacob's. Collin, since he has been a baby, has always had a love for his family. Grandmas and Grandpas have always been first in his life (we know we are loved, but it's the truth.) My sister Heather could always get Collin to bust up laughing, long before Mike and could.  Collin asks daily if can go and see his extended family. He is such a wonderful reminder to us about how important family is to us. I love that he brings that to our family. 

Getting Nervous

I hit 12 weeks this Friday. I have felt immensely better, especially the last week, although I still get sick or feel nauseated in the evenings. Next Wednesday is our next scan, and then subsequent blood test, that will tell us about the trisomies (it is something we have needed to know/rule out with each child.) I am excited to see our baby, see how he or she has grown. But I am becoming nervous. Not really because of that scan, but because of what is coming in the next months. I will have a scan probably 4 weeks after that, and another scan then at 20 weeks, with the fetal echo to follow. It is all moving a bit fast, although the moments where I feel yuck go by slowly.

I needed a hobby/distraction, so I started some plants. I am doing container gardening (I do not want to weed, but just want some fresh fruits/veggies), and it has been really cheap/easy to start, and hopefully I will have extras to share. My boys are excited, and Collin keeps asking if the plants are ready to garden, or at least eat. I need to also start crocheting, because the anxiety/slight craziness is starting to set in. I am terrified, and I know I should be strong and have faith. I do not begrudge Lilly and Ryker, where they are, because I am grateful they no longer suffer, and can still be close as administering angels. But it does not take away the ache and hurt of missing them, of being able to hold them. And it does not take away the absolute fear of what could happen with this little guy or gal. Especially where this is our last, at least biologically.

I am grateful to be feeling a lot better. I am not to 100% yet, as I still get really tired and then usually feel yucky or throw-up (sorry, it's the truth), but it is nice to be able to do some cooking, be able to do baths, and to clean again. I even went and exercised last night, which was huge for me. I also found a friend that needs a home for her piano, so I am looking forward to that, as playing piano is pretty relaxing/healing for me. So I will post again after the scan next week. Hoping to see a growing baby there.