Who we are.

Welcome to our blog. We are so pleased you have found your way here and can share in the bits and pieces of our life, both joyous and sad. Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start I hear). I am Emily. I am the wife and mom of our crazy bunch, and I hail mostly from West Virgnia, but also claim Ohio and even Florida. Living in what I deem "the Utah bubble" has been quite the adjustment, even now, 12 years later. But what I am grateful is that I came here, because without having come here, I probably would not have met my husband.

Mike is the husband and Dad, and you will not find a kinder soul, or more hardworking one. He is my strength, and I cannot imagine my life without him.

We have 5 littles, but only 3 on this earth. Our first was a little girl, named Lilly, who lived a miraculous 5 weeks, which was 4 weeks, 6 days, and 23 hours longer then we had hoped, as she was born missing much of her brain (a condition called Holoprosecephaly). Her life was nothing short of miraculous and although our hearts grieve as we long to be with her, we know that she is busy on the other side, and watches over us. She would have been 8 this fall 2014.

Ryker is our next, and is also another one of our angels. He was born one year and nine days after Lilly,  with a congenital heart defect called Hypoplastic Left Heart Sydrome. He too taught us much. He was so strong, so sweet, and we miss him dearly. We hold onto our belief and knowledge that we will be with them again someday, as long as we are striving to live our lives to the best that we can.

Collin is our current 5 year old. He is smart, imaginative (almost too imaginative at times) and we were blessed to have him as part of our family through the blessing of adoption. We brought him home at 5 weeks, after fighting in court for him, ultimately losing, but we were able to become his foster parents. He is such a joy in our family and we love the spunky little spirit.

Jacob is our 3 year old, and let me tell you, there is not a happier 3 year old out there. He has eyes that shine, and finds such joy and glee in the everyday. Jacob is another congenital heart defect warrior, actually sharing with his dad the pains of having been born with a coarctation of the aorta. He also fought hydrops in-utero, and after a lifesaving shunt that was placed through me and into his chest, he was able to grow and was born at a mighty 7 lb. 1 oz at just 36 weeks. He started early intervention preschool for some delays (fine motor and speech clarification) but he LOVES riding the bus and seeing his "fwends" which include not only his classmates but also his beloved teachers and school bus drivers. He is kind and we could not imagine life without him.

Cora rounds out our little bunch. She was born early, at just under 33 weeks, but is the healthiest little baby. She just celebrated turning 6 months chronologically, and she is adored by not only her parents, but also by her brothers.

That is us in a basic nutshell, a very basic understanding of our somewhat complex family.

A Remarkable Journey

There are so many moments in this life, where I begin to really question whether I knew what I was doing, in signing up to come to this earthly life. I am so far from perfect,  and I have so very much to work on. When we lost Lilly and Ryker, it made me want (even more) to climb this mountain of life, and be reunited with my beautiful daughter and son, and have the opportunity to raise them someday. For that reason, while I am apprehensive of the death that will come at some point in this life, I also rejoice in knowing I will be hugging Lilly and Ryker the second I pass from this world.

These last nine months have again been some of the hardest of our life. It started with finding out that the birth control I had been faithfully taking had failed, and we were expecting. What followed were months of constant nausea and vomiting, while trying to go to school, work, and most importantly, be a wife and mother. My Grandmother also called and let us know she would be listing the home we were living in at the time. The stress was tremendous, as well as the stress of the unknown with our unborn baby. I tried to do my best to get through, (although I know I probably could have done better) but it was difficult. In July, a few weeks after returning from Mexico, I developed preeclampsia. I have to say, I pray I never have chronic health issues, because the 5-6 weeks I battled with the icky feelings of my body being sick, are weeks I pray to never repeat. The last straw was my liver enzymes sky-rocketing, and the pain and nausea that accompanied.

Through all of this, I was terrified. Terrified of losing my baby to the preeclampsia, nervous of something happening to me, but really just scared of the journey we know as life. With bed rest came the potential of losing my job, a job I love as it is generally such a happy world to work in. We were nervous to be in the process of owning a home, and wondering if our savings would be enough to let us live and make the payments, and again, the fear of being able to provide for our sweet little family. Mike worked unbelievably hard, but school was about to start, and those extra shifts and overtime would be a thing of the past once his classes began. I was beyond worried, and cried every day, even several times a day, as to what could be done to be able to live and survive.

July 30th, Mike was at work, on just a routine Tuesday afternoon. He had just walked back in from a taking a patient out, and was walking down the long hallway. As he neared the one side of the nurse's station, he noted a familiar looking man, walking down the hall, with two other men beside him. He thought to himself "hmm, that looks like President Monson". As he walked closer, he realized it was indeed the beloved Prophet and President of our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He saw him go into a room to visit. Mike lingered, waiting with some of the other staff for President Monson to emerge. When President Monson came out, he walked around, shaking and greeting the staff and other patients that were in the hallway. He gave a blessing to one of the patients, calling her by name, and there were many smiles and greetings shared around. President Monson was reminded by his daughter and security detail, that they had to get going, and they turned to leave. Just a second later, President Monson stopped, and turned while saying "I do not think I have had the chance to shake everyones hand". He walked over towards Mike, and Mike thought to himself "hmm, maybe he had forgotten that he had already shook my hand". Mike put his hand out, and President Monson smiled, grasped it, and pulled Mike in, placing an arm on his shoulder. He spoke and said: "Michael, may you and your wife receive the strength to endure the coming weeks, and may you find strength in knowing your children, that have gone to be with God, will be with you always, and will strengthen you and lift you up". He patted Mike's shoulder, winked, and turned to leave.

President Monson is the leader of millions in the LDS faith. Although Mike and I have met him once, at a fireside he spoke at (while we were dating) he does not personally know us, know that we have beautiful angel children, watching over us. But do you know who does? A loving Heavenly Father. He knows us. He loves us, and wants us to make the choices necessary to return to live with him.  This was not a story we were going to openly share, but we feel it is one necessary to share, something that will maybe help strengthen another, as it has us. May you each be buoyed up in knowing that while this life can and will be tremendously difficult, everything will be okay, if we can hope and rely on the goodness of a loving Father in Heaven.

A Sweet Little Miss.

You all will have to forgive me. The last two months have been BEYOND crazy. I was put on modified bed rest the 20th of July, due to high blood pressures and protein in my urine. The week before that, I was out in the hospital for horrid symptoms, and threatened with a 28 week delivery. Thankfully the levels came down, and they began watching closely all that was going on. I started going weekly to the OB, and started to also do weekly labs. My pressures were kind of all over the place, as were my protein levels. We knew we were going to be moving, as my Grandma was going to be selling her home, so we ended up being tremendously blessed in being able to find a home of our very own, and closed August 15th. The next day, I had repeat labs, and discovered that my liver enzymes were going high. This was not good. My OB was really concerned, and gave me just a week before they would be taking out sweet girl. We moved the next day, and I did not do the heavy lifting, as our wonderful neighbors, friends, and families pitched in to help. I started feeling really sick on Sunday, and on Monday, I was experiencing a lot of pain in the area around my liver, and also I could not eat or drink much, as I just felt sick. I called my OB's office, and found out my regular OB was out sick, so I saw a partner. He sent me over to L&D, where it was discovered my liver enzymes were still climbing. The OB weighed in with my wonderful perinatologist, and the OB at the hospital I would be delivering at, and they all decided, that at 33.4 weeks, our sweet girl would be coming in the next few hours. We declined the ambulance ride, and Mike drove me to the other hospital, where we hung out a few hours until the OBs were out of the emergency surgery, and were ready to bring our sweet girl into this world. I was so nervous, but after a beautiful experience, I felt immense peace too.

In the car: one last belly shot.

At 12:32 am, weighing a teeny-tiny 4 lbs. 3 oz, and measuring a petite 16 inches, little Miss Cora Anne came into the world crying (a wet cry) and ready to fight. They placed her on CPAP, but ended up having to place her on the oscillator for her first 12 hours of life. 

She was able to come off and just straight onto room air, and did AWESOME!!!

She looks like a member of my side in this picture.

One happy Dad here. 

After her first bath.

Cora is just beyond sweet. She has a gorgeous head of hair, smells divine (I love the sweet scent of a brand new baby, straight from heaven!) and has everyone just smitten with her. She is two weeks old today, and will be in the hospital until she learns to eat. We are hoping that takes off in the next week, and we can make that happen. I hate every time I have to leave her, and all of us are just excited for her to come home. 

We just took Jacob and Collin to meet her for the first time on Sunday, and they absolutely loved their tiny new little sister. It was so cute to see their reaction. 

I know this will be a small moment, but we are asking for prayers that she can find the energy and interest to be able to eat. When she can do that, she can come home. I will try to update more regularly, as it is important to document these moments, as they grow up so quickly. 

Perfection (or Imperfection) in Motherhood

Returning from a wonderful vacation with my in-laws was really kind of easy, and so hard in many ways (and I promise I will dedicate a post to that very soon) but the entire time I was away from my little men, I missed them. I missed having the gorgeous little tan boy with the heart-melting eyes put his arms around my neck and hug me, I missed the chubby hands of his brother, missed kissing them, and having him ask "I hold you?" It was hard to be away, good in sooo many ways, but hard. I think I have developed a certain level of anxiety that comes from losing Lilly and Ryker. I remember that after Ryker passed just wanting to go back up to the hospital and have him be there, so I could kiss his little hands and feet. So when Mike leaves for work, or when I have to leave my kids, I honestly worry and wonder if this will be the last time I see them. So to be reunited with my little guys was tremendously sweet to me. 

I have done a lot of soul searching in the last few weeks. You always want to try to be the best mom, and I frequently find myself laying in bed at night, wondering what my boys think of the job I am doing. Will the look back with horror at my failings, or will they remember me as a mom who tried to do her best? That is the question, and that I think that is my motivation. My mom tried, but she had such a learning curve coming from an abusive mom. I want to do better. I wish I had perfect patience. But that is a lesson I will just continue learning. But this was my realization today: 

 Motherhood is truly not about being perfect: motherhood means being there, and trying with everything you have to just love those little ones. I fail, on a daily basis sadly, in some aspect while trying, but I just have to keep on trying again. Heavenly Father never meant it to be easy, and I think it is accepting that this is not going to be easy, but my "trying" is all He can ask. And that frees me of any guilt of the feelings of what I did not get accomplished in the day.

And because of that, there is hope. 

Comings and Goings

We moved down to our current home about 15 months ago. I had a hard adjustment at first, living far away from our families, trying to adjust to a longer commute, and going to one car. But we knew the move was what was right for our family. It allowed us to pay some medical bills off, but really taught us such a valuable life lesson. It is a lesson Lilly and Ryker had both started to teach, and one we will continue to learn, but one we have really gotten a better grasp on. Because when life gets hard, sad, scary, you have to learn to rely on your family. Mike and I were able to grow closer here, Jacob and Collin had to really learn to get along, and it made us appreciate the time we were able to spend together.

Now, another step in our life is coming, and that is moving back to the immediate area we moved away from. We will once again be closer to our families, and I feel like it has given us a whole new perspective. I am excited to be able to make a short commute home, excited for my boys to see their Grandparents more, and other extended family, and really excited to be closer to our doctors (especially with me hitting the 3rd trimester here in a few weeks). What will be hard is finding and giving our beloved dog a new home (although I am really hoping my brother will take him) and seeing my boys miss their dog.

I wanted to share some pictures of a fun day we had together, as my schedule now allows Mike and I to be off every other weekend together, and it was really nice to spend our first Saturday at the splash-pad together. Sorry for the photobomb, but they were just some really fun and cute pictures.
Our fetal echo is this week, so I will update with that news, hopefully receiving the all clear. Off to bed, as this pregnant gal needs her rest. :)

Our Beautiful Baby

We had our anatomy scan today. I was very nervous, in the days leading up to this (as I have shared previously) but was surprisingly peaceful this morning. After dropping off our boys to a really sweet friend (who volunteered to watch our boys last minute) we headed to the appointment. We hardly had to wait (thankfully) and were taken back. The tech (her name is Cami) is one who has scanned us many times before, so knew our nervousness. Our little gal was in quite the position, but she did cooperate, in her own timing. The tech (and later the doctor) confirmed she was a girl. 

It was funny, because after the tech scanned, the perinatologist came in, and said "well, exciting news" and I said "whoo-hoo, a 4 chambered heart." He just looked at me, shook his head, and laughed. He said "yes, that too, but I was saying congrats on the girl." (Yep, we REALLY just want a healthy baby.) He again looked at everything, some more in-depth shots, and even printed off some photos of that GORGEOUS 4 chambered heart. 

We were just so excited to see everything there: kidneys, beautiful lobes of the brain, and a lovely heart. We still go in about 4-5 weeks for a fetal echocardiogram, and then follow up the week later with perinatology, but we breathed a HUGE sigh of relief today. I told Mike that I feel like I am 70% relieved, with the next 10% coming at the fetal echo, with another 10% coming the week later when things still look good, and the last 10% coming when I am holding our sweet daughter in my arms. Thank-you for the prayers, thoughts, and kind words. They have helped us to find peace. We are so excited for this little girl to come into our lives and wrap her brothers and dad around her sweet little fingers. I watched Collin and Jacob tonight, with their 10 month old cousin, and it made me so excited to see their interactions with their little sister. Here is one last cute picture, of our sweet little gal's foot. 

I am off to bed, as a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders. :)

35 Hours

Not that I am counting or anything, but we are down to 35 hours until our scan. Our sweet neighbor will be watching our boys, while Mike and I head in to Maternal Fetal Medicine. I am really hoping it is one of the techs we know so well, because the one we had last time was unfamiliar, and I need all the familiarity that is possible for this. I have been holding it together, but tonight, at around 5, I lost it. I started sobbing, and then became frustrated, and just wanted to hit something. This is why this baby has to be our last biologically, because I cannot do this physically or emotionally, and I am fairly sure Mike would have to have me committed. I am not sure I am going to be able to shake the anxiety now. I am just grateful my sister and brother-in-law are blessing their baby tomorrow, because it will a welcome distraction. I am just hoping this scan will bring peace. I think there will still be some nervousness, post appointment, with the details the fetal echo will bring, and because Jacob's issues did not show up until he was 22 weeks (but that is not supposed to be genetically linked). But we will take a huge amount of comfort in hopefully seeing 4 chambers, and the lobes of the brain, and the kidneys, etc., and that will help. Please keep us in your prayers, to find peace through the next 35 hours, and beyond. We need them, and do feel the difference. Thank-you.