Ryker

Ryker-Strong power; hardy power.

How befitting of such an amazing little boy. Today was probably on the top 3 of my worst days. A lot of it had to do with the fact that two years ago I said goodbye to the earthly spirit of our first born son, and kissed his little earthly body goodbye. I kept looking at the clock all day. I looked at the clock at 11 when we went up to PCMC to await the excitement of seeing Ryker without his breathing tube, to say goodbye to the ventilator and hello to the good ol' nasal cannula. There is a montage below of Ryker. It is one that bring tears to the eyes. I looked at the clock today when 12:15 hit, which was when Ryker was extubated. I looked at the clock at 1:00 when we went back up and found out that although our little miracle had started out doing so well, he needed to be intubated. I remember the tears of frustration. I remember two years ago sensing something was really wrong and calling my parents to ask them to get up there. I remember using my cell-phone, and thinking how shocked I was that it could work in the PICU without interfering with the Ventilator. I remember calling our parents just a few moments later pleading with them to hurry, something really was wrong.
I remember calling the rest of our family and telling them to hurry up, because we did not think that Ryker had much time left on this earth. I looked at the clock at 2 o' clock, the time when I called work and told them I would not make it into work that night, because my baby was going to pass away. I remember going to talk to one of our favorite nurses and asking her what she thought of ECMO (essentially a form of bypass, meant to do the work of the heart and lungs) and discussed the options. I remember sitting there with our parents, and Dr. Hawkins coming to talk to us. I remember not even having to talk to Mike, but feeling more strongly than anything that it truly was Ryker's time, and we needed to tell them to stop everything and that we needed to hurry and give him a name and blessing. I remember walking to the bed, and seeing one Ryker's Doctors push Epi after Epi, and telling her that we are going to let him go, so if they could just keep him alive long enough for us to the blessing and to put him in our arms, that would be fine. I remember looking at my baby, so swollen from all the fluids and attempts to keep him alive, and thinking that, this was it: this would be the last time I would see our little guy alive.



I remember the words that would release our baby from this world, the same words that praised him for being so valiant and fighting so long. I remember that they brought two rocking chairs over for Mike and I, but I a asked if they could instead bring a small couch so that we could hold our 7 week son in our arms together and say goodbye.



I remember them stopping the bagging, and Ryker going very blue, and than he was gone. I remember the sweet children's hymns being played in the back round (we love you Shauntelle!) and the soft tissues. I remember seeing our family hold Ryker for the first time. I remember those family members that are uncomfortable with death, kissing the top of their sweet nephews head, when just a year earlier they had lovingly done the same. I remember walking out of the hospital, never again to return to see my sweet baby. I remember the desire for months, of just wanting to go up there and walk into Ryker's room and see my sweet little guy. We miss him.

I felt like the world's worst mother today. Collin has been so sick, and today he just wanted to be held all day, with no naps. I am sick. My house is really gross, and it is just a really hard day besides. I was so tired and so spent, I was not the most patient person. So tears have been shed. Tears for missing Ryker, tears for feeling so lousy. Tears for Collin feeling so lousy, and tears because I felt like I was not doing the two things Ryker taught me how to do/be: how to be patient and why I love being a Mom. Because sadly, for a lot of the day, being a Mom was very hard. I am just PRAYING that tomorrow is a better day, that tomorrow will bring a happier and healthier Mom and Baby, which equals a happy family.

Our one-and-only family picture of all of us.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I Know, A lot of Posts.

There will even be one tomorrow, because it happens to be Ryker's angel day. But I had to share the most DISGUSTING thing I have EVER seen or heard of child doing. And it actually made me throw up. SO, if you are queasy, this is not your story to read. (Mike is 100% against me sharing this, and for those contemplating getting their very own K-9, I may have thrown you away from EVER having your very own dog.)


That sweet face is very misleading. Collin is tricky and quick, popping things into his mouth as quickly as possible before Mom or Dad come after him. It is funny to see his little personality coming out (most of the time!) I was cleaning my house today, (shocker, I know) and since Collin decided to veto any naps longer than about 45 minutes, I have to clean and keep and eye on him. Well, as many of you know we have a dog. Besides the horrible hair that our sweet dog leaves around, once in a GRAND while there is a not so nice side-effect of having a dog: a little sweet gift that, cough, did not come out while visiting the outdoors for personal reasons and may or may not happen to present itself into the house. I'm talking about 1-2 at the max a year of this little lovely present. Well as I was tidying my side of the bed, I heard Collin choking. I looked over at Collin, and ran over to sweep his mouth out of what was choking him. Well you can imagine what happened to have find it's way into his mouth, since the kid will stick ANYTHING in there. When I discovered the little treat, I just lost it. I'm not sure how I continued to wipe his mouth out while dry-heaving and than vomiting, but that kid was never so clean after. I'm just wondering: is there anything out there that a baby will not eat. I get the occasional bit of dog food, because although it does not taste like Coco pebbles, it sure looks like it, but really, this? All's I am saying, that between the little black eye Collin is currently sporting and this little episode, I am SOO glad that we are finalized. Because I am not sure that DCFS would have still granted us our adoption. I may have just won the worst mother award of the year. Glad I finally won something.

Wishing for Warmer Weather

*Just a note, this post took me two weeks. Promised I am alive, just really busy this Holiday season!*
It seems like with this single digit degree wet and snowy weather that it was very long ago I was sitting on a beach enjoying 80-90 degree weather and complaining about it being hot. Oh how I long to be on the beach right now, but than again, I sure did miss Collin. So to warm up my insides, (and maybe yours!) I wanted to share some of the stories/pictures/experiences from beautiful Cancun!

We left Utah early on a Wednesday morning. We had a lay-over in Dallas/Ft. Worth that was supposed to only be about an hour and a half. It ended up being a 3-4 hour layover, because we had to switch planes because of an engine and than they had to re-ticket all the passengers. It was a pain, but our ticket was upgraded and can I say that business class is really quite nice. We got into Cancun but by the time we got through customs and the baggage claim, it was already about 5 pm. It was beautiful going outside, because the skies were aglow in blue and pinks. We got into our hotel room, which although had a stunning view of the ocean, really left something to be desired. We were in a room with two "queen" sized beds, but apparently in Mexico, "queen-size" is more like a full bed. The first picture is the view of the sun rising. It was about 7 am and it was so quiet and so serene.

This was the view from our balcony

The balcony was one of my favorite parts. I loved sitting outside, listening and watching the ocean. I would also break the rules and leave the door open (apparently not the safest or most energy efficient idea) to listen to the waves roll in and out. I miss the ocean. I took for granted how close I used to be. The resort was really beautiful, and we had so many choices for meals.We changed clothes and went in search of food. The hotel was all-inclusive, so you could eat at any of the six restaurants or order room service for free, and with drinks. It had a huge variety and was pretty good. We crashed the first night, so tired from being up at 3:15 to get to the airport. The next day we woke up and headed out, ready for a day of relaxation and fun. We headed downtown (via the bus) and went to the local mall. I must admit, we really went in search of finding out about buying tickets for Luna Nueva (aka New Moon! Eeeeekkkkk!!!!) We also went in search of mosquito repellente, because even though Mike did not get bit once, I was bit about 14 times while in Mexico, and even managed to somehow bring a mosquito home, and suffered one more bite while in my home. Grrrr!!!! We discovered New Moon came out two days before the US debut, but the theater was not open yet. We headed back to do some swimming. I loved the ocean swimming, because it was warm and fun. Mike preferred the pool, which was tiled to look like the ocean with two contrasts of blues.

I love the ocean. I lobed the sand. It was soft and actually does not burn your feet like east coast beaches can. Not sure why, but that is just how it is. After swimming and showering, I persuaded Mike into heading back downtown to purchase tickets for New Moon. We went to the ticket counter, and there were tickets for a showing that started in 10 minutes. We hurried, thinking that the theater had to be filled. We got into the theater, and there was NOBODY in the theater. (Side note here: in Utah, pretty much every opening week showing sold out months before New Moon opened, so hence, my astonishment!) There were only 6 people (including us) during the whole show, in a Cinemark stadium seating theater. We headed back to the hotel for more relaxation.


Since it was our honeymoon, we decided to order room service and just relax. It was so nice. We read a ton and just spent time together, alone, something I will NEVER take for granted again.
Friday morning, we decided to do an excursion. We really liked the swimming with dolphins, and decided to head out to an island about 30 minutes from Cancun. The water is just stunning in Cancun. Even in the deep ocean, it is this amazing turquoise blue.



This video above is a far off shot of the Island and the water. It was a fun 30 minute boat ride. the crew have music for dancing and drinks (alcoholic and nonalcoholic) so it was just nice to relax and kick back.




The island was beautiful. But the thing about Mexican bathrooms is that to me (I have a strong sense of smell) is that they all smelled like urine to me. And the part of being on the island that really bothered me is that on the island, you cannot flush TP down the toilet. I cringed at that part. Swimming with the dolphins was a blast. We swam with Picasso and Padme. Padme was still a younger dolphin, and Picasso was the head hancho of all the dolphins. We hugged the dolphin, danced with them, swam across the water on their belly, were pushed through the water with them pushing against our feet, and were even kissed by the dolphins. It was crazy. We were exhausted after, so it was great to head back and take a snooze on the boat.

When we first checked in and discovered our room did not have a king-sized bed, we kept checking to see if a room with a king sized bed was available. There happened to be one when we got back. We packed up our clothes, and hauled our bags up the stairs, and headed to the room. Well, as we got to the door, we noticed there was a do-not-disturb sign on the outside of the room. We opened the door and there was a couple in there. I walked back up to the front desk, and because of the embarrassment of double booking a room, we were upgraded to a suite. I was in HEAVEN!!!! The bathroom was the size of our old room, and had a jetted tub that could easily seat four. The king size bed was so nice. We had reservations for the fancy Italian place, which offered a five-course meal. It was delicious!!! The dessert was to die for.


The food was not only good, but the presentation was beautiful. Mike had the chocolate souffle and I had white chocolate soup. We shared the two and it was mouthwatering when combined. Mike loved being able to eat so much wonderful food. The flavors were just so wonderful.


The picture below is of us in the bus (we rode it A LOT!) and most of the time it was great, but some of the times it was scary.

The view from the hotel were stunning. The coolest part (for me at least) was that while we were there, they had am Indian wedding, and the groom was an Indian prince. The parties were very lavish and very beautiful. I loved seeing all the beautiful clothing. The womens Sari's were all so different, but all very bright and colorful. The customs are intriguing.


The day of the wedding (it was also the day we were leaving) they had the groom and his party go out and he rode a horse to where they were meeting the bride's party and family. They had drums, music, and dancing. It was truly fascinating and I doubt I will ever have the opportunity to see something like it again. I loved talking to them about their customs and why they do things like they do.


The video below is of one of the resident peacocks. There were two, and they would roam pretty much everywhere. They would also eat out of your hand. All the birds there were pretty well fed. We were sitting at the outside grill eating when the two peacocks came up to eat. (Can I just say that I drank way to many pina-coladas, that were of the non-alcoholic variety, while in Mexico!) I did not know peacocks loved to eat human food, as I had never had one come up so close.



We had such a great time. I miss the warmth of the sun, miss the not cleaning/cooking/etc. of being in a hotel. I miss the sound of the ocean. I miss the colors. Cancun is soo different from anywhere I have lived. The colors and scents are just intoxicating. Truly a different world from brown, dry , and currently cold Utah. I would love to go back, but I think I would try another little area called Playa del Carmen. But you would not have to twist my arm to go back to Cancun. Our trip home was uneventful, except for the snow storm we came home to. Pretty sure the extreme change added to the cold I got once home. Summer can come fast enough!

Collin's Adoption Day ( And a Whole Lot of Pictures!!!)

Collin with my Mom and his DCFS caseworker Stephanie

The ironic part about the foster care system is that technology seems to much more advanced than their policy. Around the end of September, when I thought we were only two weeks away from Collin's finalization, they finally implemented a policy that we could not use Collin's name or picture on Facebook or in posts that are not private. I was not about to go back and take out every picture of Collin and look for every time Collin's name was used. So it is SOOOOO nice to be able to freely use Collin's name and post any picture of Collin that we want.

Our wonderful lawyer

Yesterday was AMAZING. We had some minor bumps, but no major roadblocks. It seems that when we went to finalize, we were not actually on the docket, nor did the judge have the file that was supposedly faxed over prior to yesterday's finalization.

Collin with my Mom

Collin with Stephanie

Our smiley boy 9and oh yes, I love saying he is mine without any doubts or other thoughts of him not actually being ours.

Three generations. And the second Gourley to carry on the name (the first was Ryker!)

The two Grandpas with our smiley guy!
We had wonderful family that came to support us. It was very last minute and we were so grateful that all that could be there were. Collin was so good while we waited, although, I'm not sure he was ever at a lack for attention.

Collin with his best bud. Tatum is exactly to the day, two months older than Collin, but Collin seems to weigh more.

The two crazy boys.

They love to chill and play. Pretty much just chillax together.

But man did we have the best judge. She was amazing! She got everything taken care of, and although we waited about an hour, she made everything happen. Being in court this time was so different, and just really a better experience all around. The courtroom was BEAUTIFUL and even had windows. The three times we went to court in southern Utah, we left all three times with empty arms and tears in our eyes, and had to leave with a prayer Collin would someday come home. Our

This time was empowering, even spiritual and a beautiful proceeding. I always thought that a finalization was just the signing of some paper work, but it is so much more. Our DCFS caseworker took the stand and told the judge why she thought that we should be Collin's parents. Talk about something that is uplifting: having a DCFS caseworker talk about how wonderful you are to your child/children. Mike and I also had to testify. We testified of our love for Collin. Mike's words were so moving. Collin kept looking at his family that were sitting in the gallery, and just kept chuckling at them.

The case before ours was sad. I will not go into specifics, but since Collin was a ward of the state, we had our proceedings taken care of through the juvenile court. These are the happy days, the days that make their days. Judge Bezzelle even has a stuffed animal for each child that is adopted. I have never met a warmer person. I mean really, what judge do you know that hugs those that come into her court room. She was such a sweetheart!

Our caseworker has been fantastic. She also is such a warm and loving person, and I will miss having the monthly interactions with her!!!

Our caseworker with Collin's Guardian ad litem

Chillin in the court room
After we were finished with court, we went out to lunch to celebrate. Nothing like some yummy carbs from Olive Garden to make a person extra happy. We took Collin home after, to lay him down for a much needed nap, and to wash his drooly clothes before the temple (the beauty of teething!!!)
The temple was wonderful. Just the grounds invite such peace, but when you go in, the peace just seeps into every part of your body and spirit. Collin was so well behaved. I'm not even joking when I say that he was a perfect angel. I'm not sure the cute ladies in the youth center (they watched and played with Collin and even got him changed and dressed) would have taken him home. He was just being such a sweetheart. It was amazing. I loved every minute of it. Afterwards, we went back to Mike's parents to celebrate and eat!

Jason and cute Morgan

Collin loves kids. He especially loves his cousins. Morgan fascinates him. She also makes him bust up giggling, something I hopefully will get on tape someday.

Aunt Millie with Xander-bander

This was one of the coolest parts of our day. When my best friend came over, her husband hauled in this hugely wrapped present. I was intrigues as to what it was, but Mike was getting the pizza we had ordered. Once he got back, we opened it up. I was amazed as I started to see part by part of it. This picture below is the best picture, so if you double click, you can see it better. It was drawn by Abby's sister-in-law, and than lovingly framed and matted by so many others of our loved ones (apparently there was a secret facebook group even!)

It had Ryker's picture in the upper left hand corner, with Lilly's picture in the upper right. Mike. Collin, and I were in the lower part. It was the most beautiful and touching thing. We love it!!!

This was my after shocked face!!!

It was such a long day, but Collin still managed a tired smile.

Our niece Morgan admiring her cousin who were both born the same day.

My Mom brought a cake to honor our happy guy, who looked more than happy to
just dig into that cake.

This is Courtney. This is Collin's second mom. She loves him so much, and really can not get enough of him. When we came back from Mexico, he would not go to me for a few minutes: he just clung to her.

This is Courtney, Karl, and Collin

Collin, Aunt Lindsey, and Uncle Jamie

Cut Collin and Aunt Millie
It was a long and wonderful day. We are so happy to have spent our first day with Collin actually being ours. Our doctor's office called yesterday to ask what Collin's actual last name was. I told her " it is Gourley, and has been for only about an hour!" That felt very good! I will post pictures of us in the traditional white garb, so more pictures to come. We love our little guy and we know too that Lilly and Ryker love him, and made sure he became part of our forever family. We love and adore our kids. And this little guy just lights up our life. What a great day.

A Huge Day

Are we excited? Oh yes. Can words begin to express our excitement? Nope. Pretty much, besides my wedding, having my babies and the excitement to be able to finally meet the little nudgers, and bringing Collin home, I have not been so excited! Have I been somewhat testy and emotional? Oh yes, just ask Mike!

* Mike will attest to the fact that my emotions are high and low at any given window,
but I know he would not speak unkindly so I am doing it for him!*
Tomorrow marks the 8 months since we brought Collin home. It is strictly coincidental
that our finalization day is the same day of the month, but I feel very appropriate. We are in court at high noon, and barring anything crazy, we will be in the temple at 5 pm to dot any more I's and cross any T's. This is such a blessing. And although it was a little longer than expected, we are very grateful that it still is a timely manner.
* I also think the temple will be very happy for us to stop calling,
scheduling, and than re-scheduling!!!
It may not seem like a big deal, but leaving Collin when we did was very hard. The fact of the matter is that had something of happened to us, Collin would not be ours legally or forever. This allows us to breathe that huge sigh of relief!!! So I will post pictures, and please just say a little prayer that things will go according to the plans!