My New Nephew

I now am the proud Aunt to a little nephew. My sister (his Mom) and I are about as close in age as you can be besides being twins (10 1/2 months). She found out she was pregnant at my house (using one of my many pee-sticks) and now nine months later, he is here! We just love him, we all cried when he was born. It was so beautiful! I was there when a friend of mine delivered her little girl and I thought it was awesome. But this was so much more incredible! In our LDS religion, we believe that there are times when the veil between this earth and the here after is very thin. This was one of those moments. My brother-in-law gave my sister and LDS blessing and you could feel such a strong spirit in the room. I know Lilly and Ryker were there, celebrating their sweet cousin into the world. My sister ended up only pushing for about 20 minutes, and even had to stop so the doctor could come. Heather did great, especially for a first time Mom. Since I work on the mother/baby floor, I was allowed to go where most can't. I gave him his first little bath (which he was not very happy about) and even weirdly assisted the doctor with his circumcision. I love being an aunt. We now have 3 nephews and 2 nieces.

Tatum

I experienced an amazing miracle today, the miracle of birth. I will post pictures and more info. I love being an aunt.

Just a hard week.

I wish this week were easier. There is so much on my mind that honestly I think I am going to implode. I am usually a half-glass-full gal, but I will be honest, it is a half-glass-empty week. Mike went to a new cardiologist yesterday, and even the cardiologist picked up on my negativity. It is just one of those weeks, where the fates are conspiring against me. I just have to hold on, and truck on through. I think the greatest gift to me would be little bit of warm weather (hello Hawaii, not really, but I wish). So if you know anyone with extra tickets to Hawaii, send then our way! I am almost finished with finals and I am welcoming the break. I am hoping to have my sanity back soon (at least part of it!)

Ryker's Angel Day

I would like to make a few disclaimers: this post is unusually long, and full of pictures. Some of these pictures are of Ryker, after he had passed away. Remember, it is extremely difficult to share these, but they need to be shared. This is a hard day, but the knowledge of the gospel lifts us.

I wish I could say that it does not hurt. I wish I can say there were not a lot of tears. But part of mourning is letting our hurt show, mourning together. I wanted to share how this day came to be. So I will start at the very beginning.

Saturday, December 15, 2007, was a day Mike and I and our family looked forward for a long time. Ryker had been intubated for seven weeks, and we were so excited to finally experience the joys of having him extubated. The whole week prior, they had been trialing and exercising him in preparation for the day. They were planning to extubate him the night before, but it was my first night back to work, and so I asked if they could wait for Mike and I to both be there. (I am so glad that I am a pushy Mom because I could not imagine if we had not been there, I shutter to consider the possibility) Saturday morning, I came home from work, slept for a few hours and we headed up to Primary's. Mike, his Mom, and I stood there with tears of joy, as they removed Ryker's breathing tube. That first little cry brought tears to all, even the doctors. It was amazing!



After about 30 minutes, we were both starving and went down to get some food. We hurried through, and on our way back to his room, stopped to say hi to a couple of heart families and share our amazing news. One of our favorite nurses Ken let us know that he thought they were reintubating Ryker. We headed into his room, and sure enough, they were. It was hard, because he had only been extubated for about 45 minutes. But we knew this was a very real possibility.  Even after they quickly intubated, we watched as his oxygen levels dropped from the 60's, to the 50's,  the 40's, the 30's, and down to the teens and 20's. I remember yelling out "NO!", when I saw them wheel the blue crash cart, just thinking this could not be happening.  We called our families, and I recall begging and pleading for them to please hurry up there, that something was desperately wrong. Shauntelle, another heart Mom, came and brought us soft tissues and just hugged us. A short while later, our families started arriving, and that's when the the cardiothorasic surgeon and cardiologist came to talk with us. Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Yetman were honest and kind with us, telling us that the only option we had at that point was to surgically place Ryker onto the ECMO machine. Dr. Hawkins let us know that he did not feel like it was the best option. Ryker's o2 were at 19 then, and had been for about 40 min. We just felt so overwhelmingly knew that it was time to say goodbye, and without more then a simple nod to one another, Mike and I told them it was time. Heavenly Father was calling our sweet, sweet baby boy home.



We went into his room, and took some pictures, and I began removing IV's, lines, and leads, as they were no longer needed. The veil was so thin, and the peace there was tremendous. Mike, my Dad, his Dad, and one or two brother-in-laws gave him a name and blessing, while the nursing team pushed in a huge couch, so that Mike and I could hold our sweet baby for one last time.



They put Ryker in our arms and we held him, enjoying our last earthly moments we had with sweet Ryker. They removed the breathing tube and Ryker quickly passed from this world. It just broke our hearts. Our family then took turns holding Ryker's little body, as none of them had had the chance previously, since he had been so sick.




My dear sister-from-other-misters were there to support us. Abby was pregnant with her little first at the time, and Courtney worked in the PICU that Ryker lived his short seven weeks in.



One of my favorite things that I have from my baby's passing is the beautiful hand and foot molds they did for us. This is a picture of us when they were doing Ryker's hand molds.



I love this picture. I love the bond these two brothers and best friends share. Jason was always kind of an extra part to Mike. He was an extension and he has been there for Mike on some dark, hard days. I can only imagine that because Mike and Jason are so close and share so much, that Jason understands better than most the pain and heartache.



My sister Megan. I do not need to convey the love she has for Ryker. The picture is worth a million words, words that would never describe the love.



One of my favorite pictures is Mike holding Ryker. I am sorry to other Dads, I am a bit biased, but I have yet to meet a man who adores his children more. The reason why I love this picture is the overwhelming peace that is shown in Mike's face, and as I write this, I feel that peace again.





I am grateful for the knowledge I have of being sealed to Ryker and Lilly. We mourn the loss of our angel, and know that he will comfort us through this hard time. I look forward to the day I will see my babies again, and hold them to me. We love you Ryker, and honor you this day.

Memories

I fell asleep crying last night. I hate falling asleep crying. Ryker's angel day is quickly approaching, and I started entertaining the thoughts and emotions that I was going through last year. The last week of Ryker's life was such a joyful one. These two pictures were taken exactly one year ago today. It was an AMAZING day, one filled of Mom finally being able to hold her baby after SIX LONG WEEKS! Six weeks people! It was incredibly hard to watch your precious baby each day, and not be able to do anything more than touch him and talk to him. This precious gift was given to me, and I know without a shadow of a doubt this was truly a blessing from my loving Father-in-Heaven. Ryker behaved for a whole minute, and than was p-o'd, and I was eager to hand him back. This was a doubly cool day, because the Utah Jazz came to Primary's! These two kind gentleman (see the picture below) are Ronnie Brewer and Paul Milshap (I apologize if I butchered those names, Mike is the Jazz fan.) They were so nice, soo tall, and it truly was an amazing day. I wish I could have that day again, I wish I could hold Ryker in my arms, just one more day. I miss him. We miss him.

Dear Santa

I have been a pretty good girl this year. I tried to be more Christlike, tried to make it to every Sunday-school class instead of talking in the foyer while Mike held my seat. I did my best to keep my house clean (not including times when I was in school or tending nieces/nephews on the days off) and did my best to make my bed 9okay, maybe not but there was some effort put forth. So in light of all my goodness, I have made a couple of requests for the coming Christmas and into this next year.

First, I would like a baby. You know my history, and you know I've done my best to make it happen, but it looks like it is going to take a A LOT of extra help in getting this accomplished. (Or maybe just help to get our name out there!)I;m not picky. I do have a TON of little girl clothes and I do make bows, but I love those little boys too. Just as long as it is one we can keep for a long, long time.

Number two. I would like my body back. I noticed when I looked in the mirror this morning, that someone had switched my body for a chubbier one. Realizing that I only am 6 pounds away from when I had the first, it would only seem polite to help me find my body once more. So if you could kindly return the pre-marriage body, that wold be great!!!

Number three. I just want a house. This may seem big, but I know it can happen when you are in charge.

Number four and five. I would like two electronic items. The first is photoshop, the second is the movie Penelope. I know that one is a lot cheaper than the other, but think of all I could do!!!

So remember Santa, I will be extra good next year, if you could politely overlook my shortcomings this year.

Love,
Emily G.

P.S. I am approx. 8 posts away from my 100th, so I am looking for some ideas to celebrate. Let me know of any thing you can think of!

Happy Birthday Dad!!!

*Just a warning, there are some pictures further down in the post that show Ryker after he has passed. I have never posted pictures of Ryker after his passing, so this makes me feel somewhat vulnerable; so if you are somewhat faint of heart, just know I love my Dad and want to wish him a Happy Birthday!!!*

Monday is my Dad's birthday. Tonight, our family is celebrating this happy occasion. I just wanted to share some things that I love about my Dad.
I have always been somewhat of a Daddy's girl. Growing up, my Dad was able to convince me to do things when my Mom was not. He is a spiritual man, and I always said I wanted to marry someone like my Dad (and if you know my Dad and Mike, they share a lot in common!) He is so obedient, loves to find out more about our ancestors, and just really loves his family (no matter what we do). He is also incredibly stubborn (this is where I get my stubborn streak), but is also the most patient person.



My dad is an amazing Grandfather too. My Dad probably saw Ryker nearly everyday of his short life. He loved Lilly so much, but there was a stronger connection between Ryker and his Grandpa. He would just sit with him and talk to him, and Ryker would just stare at him with his sweet eyes.



In the pictures above, you can just see how someone so small could have such a strong impact on such a spiritual giant. You can see the sincerity of love he has for his family. It was so hard for him to have to say goodbye to two Grandbabies. He is such an amazing man. I am humbled to be able to call him my Dad.

Happy Birthday Dad!!! We love you and are so happy to call you family!!!
P.S. This next week is hard for our family. A week from Monday marks Ryker's first angel day,(an angel day is the day of someone's passing, specifically children.) So if you all could please say some extra prayers in our behalf, we would be so grateful.