I love being pregnant. Truly I do. I do tend to be a bit more passionate about things, which has definite pluses and minuses. One moment I am blissfully happy, the next moment I am mad. Than I am sad for being mad, than I cry, and than I am happy again. I am scared and anxious,
on so many levels.
Yesterday, I had a hard day. I am not sure what it exactly was, but it was just a really hard day. I think some of it may have had something to do with feeling a little angry that so many women seem to have such effortless pregnancies and healthy babies without even a thought to worrying about seeing their child make it to his or her first birthday. And than I begin to feel bad for being angry about healthy babies, because really, I would never want anyone to face the Hell of having a child with a serious medical condition. And than I am anxious because I wish that I could have some control as to the outcome of this pregnancy and this baby. And than I begin to really hope that this baby will be born healthy, and than begin to think about how much will change before this baby comes (bigger house, someone to help tend to little ones during school or work, Collin no longer being an only child in our home, two car seats, two kids in diapers, etc.)
But than I realize that with twice the work comes twice the blessings and twice the fun.
Collin, besides the screaming behavior, really is such an easy going and loving kid. When I walk in after a long day at work and he puts up his arms and says "mama" and smiles, my heart melts that he is ours. It is very difficult being a mother. Many may not feel that way, or at least many not openly express that feeling, but life truly changes dramatically when you bring a baby into your home. It is definitely a good change, but change none-the-less.
I am grateful Mike and I spent were able to spend about 4 years as just us. It made us stronger. It will make it that much easier when our kids grow up and move away and becomes just us again. Sometimes I long for a morning to sleep in, to be able to rest when my body is tired and sick. But than I go and get that cute smiley boy up, and count my blessings. I am not sure this post has made any sense. I guess what I am just trying to say is that I am grateful for Collin, grateful for this little baby-bean (who now everyday changes as to whether it is going to be a boy or girl), grateful for the hope he or she will bring into our family, grateful for a wonderful, supportive, and loving husband. Just really grateful for these happy moments.
*I go to Maternal Fetal Medicine on the 16th of April. I think I have an OBGYN appointment that same week before the appointment, but really we are just waiting for this little one to grow and mature till we can see more. I will be having a procedure called a CVS about a week or two after that, which will actually tell us also if this little bean will be a he, a she, or something in between. Will be excited simply for a healthy baby.
