Trying For the Impossible

I grew up listening to a song "Dream the Impossible Dream". It comes from the musical "Man of La Mancha".

"To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

To run where the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

To love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march into Hell

For a heavenly cause

And I know if I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be better for this

That one man, scorned and covered with scars

Still strove with his last ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable star"

These words truly are words of my life. Lilly should have never lived, especially as long as she did. This is something that I never shared, and even now is something I cautiously put out there for anyone to read. When we found out her diagnosis, I sat in what would be her bedroom, all alone, and wrote a letter to God. Now most people pray, and so do I. But what I wanted to say needed to be put to paper. I poured out my heart, and asked him for time. I asked him for a month. A month was long shot, a big fat miracle. I wanted time to to experience her, for Mike to get to know her. We were blessed with 5 weeks.

When we found out we were pregnant, it felt like another big fat miracle. We were about to renew our foster care license and consider that avenue for more children. When I took the test on a whim and found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. There were so many mixed emotions.  It was truly the unreachable star for us to consider that this baby could be happy. We already set up so many of our feelings/emotions on saying goodbye, since saying goodbye is the only thing we know to do with our biological children. Much of our courage was spent on the fight for life with Lilly and Ryker, and I honestly felt like I could not fight anymore. When we were given the hope that we might just have a healthy baby, a normal experience, it was shocking. To start to be able to plan for a future was/is something I never thought we would be able to do with a biological child, and why I had fallen in love with adoption.

So I started to think about other areas of my life that seemed impossible. My weight has been something I have struggled with for nearly 10 years. I was doing Weight Watchers when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to be healthy, to feel cute when I went shopping, to be able to keep up with my kids. It is hard when you are fighting the "fat fight" to all of a sudden be thrown off the train, and be able to accept gaining weight as something that needed to happen. I struggled with it, but than realized that I had to accept it. But in the last few weeks, I have had the "aha" moment. I realized I had everything within my power to have a healthy pregnancy. I could start exercising, I could eat right. My body has a hard time with meats, especially heavy meats. I usually eat chicken and turkey (burger) and have red meat here and there. But any meat seemed so heavy. So after doing some research, I realized I needed to make some changes. 

 In my research over the years of trying to get healthy, I stumbled upon a way of eating that fit perfectly for me (except for the fish aspect.) When I first read about it, looked into it, I thought "this made senses." Even though it made sense, I did not follow it. I already was using olive oil and canola oils only, strictly limiting any butter, which seemed to be a huge part of this lifestyle. I also love fresh foods, and try to stick strictly to the outsides of stores. I love cheese and dairy, and use it as my main source of protein many days many days.  And I was trying to exercise. This way of eating comes from the Mayo Clinic. It is the Mediterranean diet for heart health. Here are the key points:

• Getting plenty of exercise
• Eating primarily plant-based foods, such as fruits and vegetables, whole grains, legumes and nuts
• Replacing butter with healthy fats such as olive oil and canola oil
• Using herbs and spices instead of salt to flavor foods
• Limiting red meat to no more than a few times a month
• Eating fish and poultry at least twice a week
• Drinking red wine in moderation (optional)
• The diet also recognizes the importance of enjoying meals with family and friends. 

Now the red wine aspect is out, but I know you can substitute grape juice (the 100% variety) in for it. This guide goes hand in hand with what my body wants and what I have been taught in my life. I am going to try some fish and see if I can stomach it. I know so much of it is in my mind. I have tried shrimp, and do not like it. And I used to eat fish, but got sick once, and really that was all it took, to be honest.

So what am I doing? I am eating berries (raspberries, strawberries, blackberries) watermelon, eating more vegetables, switched myself and most of what my family eats to 100% whole grain/whole wheat, still eating cheese, plain yogurt/Greek yogurt, eggs, and limiting my meat. Using the healthy oil, eating small servings of nuts, trying to go organic in all choices (when feasible0, and I started to exercise again too. I am not trying to lose weight, I am just trying to keep my weight gain to minimum and have a healthy starting point come this fall when our little guy comes. We have tried to eat more of our meals at the table together too, something that is important on so many levels. I feel like many of these tips are basic changes that will make a huge difference. It is healthy, proven to be healthy for generations, and not dramatic. With Mike working the med/surg unit at the hospital, he has told me stories of people trying the dramatic dieting tricks and ending up sick. When you lose weight to quickly, it can make your body sick, throwing off levels and making your body work hard to try and adjust. And really, you want a change that you can keep and make into a lifestyle.

My other impossible is the way in which I bring my children into the world. I have had 2 c-sections, and I am very lucky to see the only OB in the state of Utah basically to allow to try for a vaginal birth after 2 c-sections. The reason so many OB's are so hesitant to allow this is because of the threat of a lawsuit (a fact my OB openly talked of.)  Sadly, lawsuits have started to dictate much of what happens in the health-care system. I am also seeing the midwives at my OB's practice. They give so much support and one-on-one time that OB's do not always have the time to give. They have already advised me on tips and tricks for my body to be favorable and to go into natural labor before 42 weeks, something that many OB's are not able to suggest. It seems like a long shot, and although c-sections are not the end of the world, not being able to pick up my 21 months old son will be. It is something I have to be as prepared as possible for. I am even laughing at myself, because as much as I have knocked the usage of doulas in my line of work, I may just have one. I will go into more of this once I am further along, but I would love to hear any advice for the area of natural labor.

Sorry for the novel, I just feel like lately I have so much to say where there was such a long time I felt like I had nothing to say. It may not be interesting, but this is part of me. I should place the words to this song on my fridge, because so many days I need the encouragement. So reach for the impossible dream, no matter how small or large. The little things truly matter.