I have been thinking a lot lately, which for most is a good idea, but for someone like me, not so much. I wonder about what the next year will bring. Will my niece be able to come home and be held and loved on? Will we be blessed with adopting a baby come January? Will the birth-Mom be willing to give the ultimate gift, and bless Mike and I to once again be parents? Will we have any more children biologically that will live to see their first birthday (maybe even into adulthood?!)? Will we ever be able to use the freshly-painted nursery that we are working so hard to decorate? I know that these questions are pretty much questions that are out of my control, and I know the hands that control most of these questions are wise and all-knowing, but why then does it make me feel still so helpless? The funny thing is that when I share my "wonderings", I seem to always get the same response in family and friends: "everything will happen as it is supposed to", or "we know that it will work out the way it is supposed to". What they do not realize is that although I do know the Lord WILL take care of it all, there is still free-agency, and to be honest the stupidity of people. Also, these comments in NO way help. If you know someone who has it tough or has had it tough, stop what you are saying, and just say " I am sorry that things are tough and that you feel frustrated right now". Until you have been in another's shoes, (and maybe even not then), it is not all right to remind them that it will work out the way it is supposed to. Because when you tell someone that, they begin to feel and think like me, and think the norm IS supposed to be your babies not making it to their first birthdays, or all that you pray so hard for not turning out the way you would like it too and hope for it to end. I have a very strong testimony, but it still shocks me when things turn out the way you hope and pray they do. Anyways, here I am, still praying and hoping that things will go good for Mike and I. I just know that someday (whether it be January or not) when Mike and I are finally blessed with being able to raise a baby/child, I know two things: that child will be loved like no one ever has loved a child, and second that most likely, that child will be pretty spoiled, with both love and the goods!
*Gracie continues to hold her own and do well. She sleeps a lot of the time. I was there on Saturday when she opened her eyes for awhile. She gave "the scrunchy face", and even started to cry a little, which just broke my heart. Quickly did we find out that Miss Gracie does not appreciate a wet-bum, which was then changed promptly! She is really a darling girl!
You don't know me, but I read your blog quite frequently. I have a "wondering" too...Why Heavenly Father chose a couple to go through so many hard times?? You two have to be the strongest two people. I have cried many of times in your behalf. I feel such a pain in my chest for you, and pray for you. There really is no words I'm sure that you haven't heard.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted you to know that you inspire me to become something I'm not.
Love,
Evonne Sell
It is SOOO hard to let go of those wondering thoughts and questions! You are brave for putting your thoughts out there for other to read instead of just letting them run around your head and eat you alive. It is so hard to put your heart into someone else's hands, someone who is a complete stranger,and let their free-agency take over.
ReplyDeleteDon't you just love it when people say that adoption is the "easy way" to have a baby. I even had someone tell me that I was lucky that I didn't have to wait 9 months to have a baby. Hello? How are years of complete uncertainty better than 9 months?
Good luck with the next few months. And keep us posted.
I love keeping up on your blog because life and the lord have delt us such similar hands. We too lost 2 angel babies and then proceeded to ask ourselves the same questions you are asking now. Do we adopt? Will a birth mother be able to give the ultimate gift, Will we ever have a biological child live to see there first birthday... etc. I know how people can say the dumbest things when they just want to help. Someone actually told me after my daughter died that I was lucky she died after only 5 weeks cuz I didn't have as much time to get attached to her. AS IF!!! Anyways... I just wanted you to know that some one else out there is walking a similar path. I don't pretent to understant the particulars of your situation cuz each of us walks such a unique path but I do empethise with your overall situation. I have been looking for a long time to find some one who can understand what I have been threw and I feel the lord directed me to your blog. Thank you so much for being so honest and frank. All I can say is no matter what tom orrow will come. My name is Mist and if you want to know any more about us you can check out our blog at www.drmckenna.blogspot.com or email me at mistyleemckenna@gmail.com. I would really love to hear from you. sometimes it is just nice to vent to someone who can kind of understand or atleast knows better than to tell you it will all work out when all you need is someone to just sit there and listen and trully care.
ReplyDeleteSincerley,
Misty
PS. We did get the chance to adopt and you can see pictures of our precious little boy Keanon on our blog.
PPS. Please feel free to ask any questions regarding the adoption process. We are working on the process for the second time and would love to share what little we have learned.
I so loved your post today and I know what you are saying to a degree. I will tell you that life is tough sometimes and it down right stinks. I too have a strong testimony of the gospel, but I still wonder why me, why us and I don't know the answers? Do know that you inspire me to be a better person and the kindness you have shown me is a true blessing. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteKeisa
I think people say things like that, because they don't know what to say and feel they have to say something. It is difficult to know what things to say and it is good to educate others like you are doing now.
ReplyDeletePrayers for Gracie and prayers for your future.
i know exactly how you feel. in my own way that is. it is hard for me to have so many people say 'things will work out as they should', because I don't think things should always be this way. sad and always accompanied by a feeling of loss. I truly am so sorry you're going through all of those emotions. I can't imagine what they all must feel like and how overwhelming they all must be. But I truly can say that I'm sorry you're having to experience any of them. I hope that everything falls into place for you the way that you would like. And I hope that your desires match what Heavenly Father's plan is for you. You and Mike are and will be amazing parents to some very lucky children someday. Hopefully that day is closer than you think!
ReplyDeleteWe're praying for you each and every day!
Hey Mike and Emily! It's Jenny your cousin. I'm so glad that I found your blog. We are at www.aravefamily.blogspot.com . I just want you guys to know that I pray for you, and love you guys so much. I'm sad that we will be moving away, but now we can keep in touch on our blogs. I also want to tell you that I believe adoption is a beautiful thing. I'm adopted and who knows where I would have ended up if I wasn't. I know that you guys deserve to love and care for a baby more than anyone and many children are coming into this world who are not in the best situations and need to be loved. I hope to one day adopt so that I can give the same gift that I have been given in life. I hope you will be able to adpot too. Your children will be very lucky to have such wonderful parents. I love you guys!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jenny
You have a great way of expressing yourself. Mike and I went 8 years of infertility before we were blessed with Brinley our heart child. Then to watch her endure the things she has had to endure. People have no idea. You are such a sweet family and you will be blessed for that. You are truly inspirational to me. Rebecca IHH
ReplyDeleteEmily, I can't even pretend that I know how you feel or what you and your husband have been through. I can however, relate with how you feel when people make inconsiderate comments about your "family situation." David and I struggled with infertility for over eight years. I cannot tell you HOW MANY FERTILE PEOPLE (you know, people that ACTUALLY have kids)gave us patronizing advice. Like, "It'll happen" or "In due time." I especially hated it when these same people WITH CHILDREN would say, "I know how you feel." I just remember thinking . . . um . . .right . . .you fertile people that pop out kids right and left obviously must know how I feel.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part for me was also the unknown. After visiting several doctors and fertility specialists, and undergoing several fertility tests, we were told that NOTHING WAS WRONG WITH US. It is almost more frustrating to hear that YOU ARE NORMAL. Because at least if a problem was diagnosed, there would be an explanation for our situation and the problem could be rectified.
We went through several years of uncertainty. We looked into adoption as well. For me, it was hard to hear comments from judgemental people, who had the GALL to ask me if we WANTED children. Apparently, if you are married, and don't have kids after a few years, you obviously don't have children because you don't want them. NOT BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM.
You know how my story ends, how we were blessed with two beautiful children. I can't tell you why my body decided to get pregnant after 92 months of trying, but it did.
I do want to share some wonderful insight that a fertility doctor in Las Vegas shared with me. He told me that parents learn patience in one of two ways. They either learn patience on their kids, or they learn patience waiting for their kids. He then said that couples that have to "try" or "wait" to have kids are much better parents because they have learned so much patience in the process of waiting for their kids.
I truly believe this. You and your husband will be wonderful parents because your desire to have and raise children is so strong.
One more thing, I believe there is a "special line" up in heaven for those parents who have to wait patiently. This "special line" consists of kids who are perfect angels (not the kind of angels that get their wings . . . you know . . . angles that grow up to be adults!) and my little Hannah is proof of that! Honestly, everyone asks us how we got so lucky to get a perfect little angle child like Hannah, and then I tell them about the "special line" up in heaven. We earned our little doll who is the light of our lives.
The Lord knows your situation, and for whatever reason, there is something to be learned right now. I used to hate it when people would tell me that too, but looking back, I can see that the Lord's hand was guiding our path, and it simply wasn't our time to have children until we learned what he wanted us to learn first. In a way it seems like we have always had our kids, although Hannah is only two and Dallin isn't even a month! But looking back, I do remember the struggles and how extremely difficult it was emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally..
I know the Lord will bless you!
Love,
Emily (your favorite patient!)