Hard night.

Last night was a tough night at the hospital. It seems like we seem to always be walking the fine line of life, and just trying to stay balanced on the type rope of life. Then there are those events that bring you strong gusts that try to blow you off the rope. Last night was one of those nights. I got to work and I was waiting to get report (I work at American Fork Hospital on the Mom/Baby unit) when they called overhead for a baby code blue up in one of the c-section rooms. Now anytime a code blue called (specifically baby codes) it sends a chill directly down my spine. So some of the nurses went running and because the code was not cleared, you could hear what was happening at the nurses station. A nurse picked up the phone to listen in and started to give a play-by-play as to what was going on with the code. She told us how they were counting compressions and shouting for different medications. I sat there, and all the rush of Ryker's last day on this earth came flooding back, in the form of tears. I started to cry, so went into the bathroom and just released the tears that I think so often I push back. I wiped my face with cold water and went back out. The nurse had thankfully stopped listening, but the impact did not quickly go away. I went into the nursery to get some formula and one of my nurse friends saw my red cheeks and nose and stopped me. She asked why I was upset, and the proceeded to sob on her shoulder while she hugged me. It is hard when those emotions just surge up and you feel like you really have no control. The baby was intubated and life flighted to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center and was doing well over the night. One of the pediatricians that was there was telling us how one of his patients had passed at PCMC just earlier that evening, at the tender age of two, after living a very hard life. And he was telling us how another little 5 year old was diagnosed last Friday with unsuspected Leukemia and passed away the next day. It just really brings to mind how we are constantly told that the generations to come are more and more valiant. I could not see how this worked growing up, but now after having two perfect children, and seeing and hearing about precious babies and children passing so young, I am beginning to understand. The world gets uglier and more beautiful, all at once these days.