Peace

It is interesting the mix of the emotion I have had the last little while. Something that seemed ever present in my pregnancies with Ryker and Jacob, and even looking back now with Lilly, there was such a feeling of something being wrong with my baby. I even had a serious breakdown with Ryker, at 17 weeks, when I just felt such feelings of utter sadness that there was something wrong with my baby. When I found out I was pregnant with this little gal, I felt immense and instant feelings of peace. Those lasted a few days, and then I was left with feelings of fear, of what could/would happen? And then this last week, I have fought with feelings of peace and fear. But I know/feel like the feelings of fear come from the dark forces of this world, while the feelings of peace come from the prayers and comfort of those of this world and the angels that attend to us. So I am clinging to those feelings of peace, and trying my best to do what I can to entertain those feelings. And I feel the strength of the prayers from every person that kindly remembers us in their thoughts and prayers. I am not sure what will come next Monday. But I know that I will be okay regardless. Our appointment is at 10 am next Monday. This little girl will be loved regardless of what we are faced with (and hopefully not faced with.) I will still have my moments of anxiety/fear, but I will turn to my Heavenly Father and to Mike, and will find the peace to get through. I have also started a little blanket for this sweet princess, and that helps to keep my hands and mind busy. I will not update again until next Monday, so please keep us in your prayers for this 18 week ultrasound. Thank-you, from the bottom of our hearts.

I also have found some IMMENSE peace from this song. 

Getting Through

We are down to exactly 2 weeks until we go to Perinatology, to see what the future holds for our little miss. Although this is not the fetal echocardiogram, it is the major step in seeing (hopefully) 4 chambers of the heart (as well as checking everything else out). As this looms closer, I feel more and more nervous. I can stay distracted (mostly) when my boys are awake, but in the evenings, I start to think, start to worry, and it gets to me. I have been just busting out in tears, without much of a push, partly because of the hormones, but a lot in part because of the absolute anxiety of this. I love this baby so much, and just want her to be okay. I am praying my heart out, but I need the assistance of asking for as many prayers as possible, for not only for this little baby to be okay, but for me (and Mike) to be able to find peace. And if you have any ideas or projects, please share. I need all the distractions I can get. 

It's a......

We had a chance this week to find out what we are having. It may seem silly to get excited about what we are having, but finding out is about the only normal step we have during pregnancy, and so we just really wanted to celebrate what we are having, and focusing on the fun of that. My OB's office offers a free 15-18 week scan, so we scheduled the ultrasound. Two days before, one of my Labor and Delivery friends took a look, and our baby was not bashful about showing off. I still wanted to take a second look, so at the ultrasound, the tech started scanning. And after just a minute, she said "well this little one is not bashful." The tech showed us the picture, and sure enough, our baby was sitting there, bum in the air with the perfect view. 

We are so excited! This is our last baby (biologically at least), and we are praying this little gal is healthy. We have a name picked out for her (not 100% for sure, but pretty sure). We have a little over two weeks and then we will find out if all is well, when perinatology takes a thorough look. We tried to look and see if there were 4 chambers, but I had a large fibroid that was blocking the view of the heart. So we wait, and pray, that this sweet baby girl will be healthy. 

My Cute Guys

I had one of those magical moments tonight. I have been so sick today, battling a horrendous migraine. It left me stuck in my bed all afternoon, with a pillow over my head, sobbing and praying for some relief. The migraine finally eased this evening, and I was able to spend time with my cute little family. Mike and I take turns reading and tucking Collin and Jacob into bed, each night. Our routine usually starts with Mike brushing teeth (he is just on top of it, in a way I only can try to be.) The boys then come down, pick their books, and we read to them (sometimes together, sometimes with one little guy upstairs and the other little guy downstairs.) I was reading to Collin and Jacob tonight, had finished singing to him, and was heading downstairs. I called Jacob to come with me, and he stood there, beside his brother's bed and said "pay, momma, pay." I told him "no, not tonight, we will play in the morning." He again said "momma, pay." I shook my head, as I watched my sweet two year old, kneel down and fold his arms. While I had forgotten this important step, my little sweetheart had remembered. I love that Jacob brings such a spirit to our home. He is not perfect, but he is attuned to the spirit as I could only wish to be. He loves to sing hymns, loves to listen to church music, loves to sing his heart out during Sacrament, and just is such a sensitive spirit. He does not like loud yelling or noise, cries when voices are raised, and I thank Heavenly Father every day for his presence in our home.

Collin's strength that he brings to our home is very different to Jacob's. Collin, since he has been a baby, has always had a love for his family. Grandmas and Grandpas have always been first in his life (we know we are loved, but it's the truth.) My sister Heather could always get Collin to bust up laughing, long before Mike and could.  Collin asks daily if can go and see his extended family. He is such a wonderful reminder to us about how important family is to us. I love that he brings that to our family. 

Getting Nervous

I hit 12 weeks this Friday. I have felt immensely better, especially the last week, although I still get sick or feel nauseated in the evenings. Next Wednesday is our next scan, and then subsequent blood test, that will tell us about the trisomies (it is something we have needed to know/rule out with each child.) I am excited to see our baby, see how he or she has grown. But I am becoming nervous. Not really because of that scan, but because of what is coming in the next months. I will have a scan probably 4 weeks after that, and another scan then at 20 weeks, with the fetal echo to follow. It is all moving a bit fast, although the moments where I feel yuck go by slowly.

I needed a hobby/distraction, so I started some plants. I am doing container gardening (I do not want to weed, but just want some fresh fruits/veggies), and it has been really cheap/easy to start, and hopefully I will have extras to share. My boys are excited, and Collin keeps asking if the plants are ready to garden, or at least eat. I need to also start crocheting, because the anxiety/slight craziness is starting to set in. I am terrified, and I know I should be strong and have faith. I do not begrudge Lilly and Ryker, where they are, because I am grateful they no longer suffer, and can still be close as administering angels. But it does not take away the ache and hurt of missing them, of being able to hold them. And it does not take away the absolute fear of what could happen with this little guy or gal. Especially where this is our last, at least biologically.

I am grateful to be feeling a lot better. I am not to 100% yet, as I still get really tired and then usually feel yucky or throw-up (sorry, it's the truth), but it is nice to be able to do some cooking, be able to do baths, and to clean again. I even went and exercised last night, which was huge for me. I also found a friend that needs a home for her piano, so I am looking forward to that, as playing piano is pretty relaxing/healing for me. So I will post again after the scan next week. Hoping to see a growing baby there. 

Life

(And sorry this is all so random, I just like to record the happenings.)

I had a really good day yesterday. I was able to eat some small meals, and keep everything down, but alas, it was only meant for the day. And that's okay, because although today has been horrid payback, it provides hope that maybe there are more days to be where I will not feel sick.

It's so strange the cravings you get while pregnant, even while feeling like you want to throw up. I drove 60 minutes collectively last night, all to hanker a craving. And right now, I would love some watermelon and pizzelles, but I am also trying to stave off throwing up again. Oy vey, at least there is something growing inside that I pray will make every crappy moments worth it.

The other strange craving is wanting to de-clutter. I am not sure if it is the nesting call (I get it all throughout my pregnancy) or that spring is just about here, but it is very much there. I want to go through everything, and just pitch anything unused (besides our boxes of memories.) I want to de-toy, leaving just the basics, and go to just simplicity. It would be nice to not have to worry so much about mess, and enjoy life. I have never been the hoarder that some in my family are, and the itch is very much there to spring away from any winter hoarding.

So an update on Collin: his poor face is so bruised and swollen. We are still putting the ointment on, and dosing him with tylenol and Motrin around the clock, but I can tell it hurts. He has been such a trooper, but really not looking forward to the stitches coming out Monday. Poor guy!

This is my random observation. But as it is a blog to document my family, I feel the need to record it. It is so funny to see how different and yet alike my boys are. I know they look nothing alike, but still, they are brothers. We have had a few times in the last month, where we have been up late, or late getting home. It is interesting to see how hyper and crazy Collin gets when he is tired. It's like a lunatic emerges, and you cannot get him to stop. But if he is about to pass-out, or fall asleep in the car, he is beyond cantankerous, and trying to keep awake will earn you hell (although it is pretty funny, as he mumbles). Jacob on the other hand, when he is tired, he becomes snuggly, and giggly. On our way back home last night from picking up my food craving, I sat in the back, sharing some of the applesauce that had come in my meal with Jacob. Mike was talking to me for a minute, and I was distracted and did not notice Jacob fall asleep. So I woke him up, tickling him. He was all smiles, and even when he was in-between sleep and awake, as we tried to keep him up until we got home, he was giggling, trying to ask to be tickled while dozing off. He just is so sweet and kind.

Mike took the boys to church last Sunday, all alone, as I was home throwing up. They were so well-behaved. Our home teacher came over later, and even remarked as to how well behaved the boys were.   But the sweet part was when the sacrament came around. Mike was seated in the back, and when the tray came, it only had one cup left. Jacob saw this and said, "Collie, you can have it." That is how they are. Collin is at my parent's right now, and when I was talking to my Dad this morning, he told me that they had taken Collin to the toy store, and while he was picking a toy for himself, he asked if he could pick one out for Jacob to. I love that my boys are so considerate of each other. They do things like this quite frequently, and it makes this mom's heart so happy. I love my boys, and I came to another realization this week. If we have another boy, I will be so happy. I will always miss Lilly, and miss the cute things you can only do with a girl, but I sure never thought I could be this happy with a house full of boys. They are sweet, and snuggly, and imaginative, and they just bring an immense amount of happiness to this mom. 

A little excitement

My family often jokes at how much Collin is like me, not in the looks department obviously, but the klutziness/attitude department. Collin, like his Momma, is stubborn, kind, says things that make you shake your head, and seems to do things that land this poor kid in the ER/doctor's office (drinking bottles of liquid tylenol, sticking styrofoam up his nasal passage, somehow managing to slice his forehead on a blunt edge which needed to be glued shut, etc..) So as we were sitting home yesterday, Collin was standing on the couch. I had told him that he needed to get down, and he was climbing down, and somehow stumbled and thwacked the side of his head flat on the top of the coffee table. I was worried about a concussion, and was holding him to me, when I noticed a puddle of blood. I pulled him back, and took him into the kitchen. It seemed like a little cut, so I had him hold a cold wet rag to the his cheek. A few minutes later, I pulled it back, and was horrified to discover the gaping hole. 

I wanted to vomit/pass out, all at once, but thankfully panic/adrenaline kicked in, and I started calling and posting to Facebook. Because the irony of all of this, was that Mike had been pulled to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, and had been pulled from the floor he had first been pulled to, and they could not find him. And he had the car, the car seats, and I did not know what to do. So thankfully a kind neighbor was able to come and grab Jacob, I was able to finally track down Mike, and he was able to come home and drive us to the ER. The nurses were AWESOME with Collin, as was the PA. They would talk to him first, and then to us, and they were even able to get 5 stitches without him having to be sedated. The numbing was not fun, and he freaked out at stitch 4, and subsequently 5, but he recovered awesomely, and was awarded 2 orange popsicles by the amazing nurse Tui.

 I do not have an after picture, as it is tight and swollen today (he was not really wanting pictures), but I will take a picture tomorrow. He will have a narley little scar for awhile (and did you know that you have to be really careful with scars and sunlight the first year after having a scar and stitches? Good thing I am a sun-screen nazi.) He has had some trouble sleeping, so has camped out on his mattress, in our room, for just a few nights. He awoke last night and was hurting quite a bit, so we made the small concession to allow him to pick where he sleeps for two nights. Stitches come out next Monday, and as he is young, and because it is a facial wound, it should heal nicely. Now this picture is not for the faint of heart, so be warned.

And yep, that's a hole, that goes pretty deep, but not all the way through.  Poor kid. 

As for us, we are in survival mode, as I battle the nasty hyper-emesis and Mike has been trying to do it all. I go the 27th to maternal fetal medicine for two tests. One of which is a nuchal translucency, which will measure the skin fold in the baby's neck, which is both a marker for downs and severe heart defects, which is why we are doing it. I will also be having a MaterniT21 blood screening, so that I hopefully will be able to avoid an amnio/CVS. It takes a sample of blood from me, and localizes the DNA from the baby, telling us about the trisomies. Pretty nifty, as this is new technology. So that's pretty much it.