TMI

So I accidentally posted something that was taken out of context, just a piece of a post (this is why I should not post at 11 pm at night.) And of course, more people read the post in the short 21 hours it was up than probably have in the last month (and yes, I do follow the stats) so my husband said I probably needed to clarify. So here we go.

Having babies for me is terrifying. I do not get pregnant just because I am baby hungry. My issue with my IUD right now is that I have gained 28 pounds since getting the blasted thing. The same thing happened when I went on birth control when I first got married. So after some deliberation, and studying the side effects of the Mirena IUD, I have decided that the weight gain+the nausea+the migraines+the horrendous un-wanted hair growth=me being done with IUD. Let me say this again, I do not want a baby right now. But we do want more children someday, which will probably equal to us having one more and adopting again. This is a personal decision. It may be hard for dear friends and family to experience another pregnancy with us, but it is something that is decided between my husband and I and a loving Heavenly Father. Lilly and Ryker were not mistakes. Children are not mistakes, no matter how un-planned they may be. And here is another shocker, although it did/does hurt to have lost Lilly and Ryker, the grief Mike and I experience on a DAILY basis (yep, nearly 5 and 6 years later, it still hurts everyday) is so much more intense for the parents of that child, so if we decide to have another, we do understand the risk of being hurt again and recognize that risk.

The geneticist we met with answered our question on having more children. This was his exact answer: "do you believe in God?" "Well, yes, we do." "Than have more children." Although this is easier said than done, it is still something that is very much in the future for us. But in order for this to happen, I need to lose weight. Over weight and obese mothers are already at an increased risk to have babies with congenital heart defects, and since our risk is already significant, I am going to do everything in my power to be healthy. And the weight I need to lose will not be something that happens quickly. I am hoping to be just 60 pounds lighter in the next year or so, and to get into my "healthy range," I would need to lose 100+ pounds.  The IUD needs to come out for the reasons stated above, and as a perfectly capable adult, there are other methods to prevent having another child. So before there are judgements made, and stones cast, understand that we are not stupid, nor do we have our heads buried in the sand.

I hate that I am at times made to feel like a child in the decisions we make. I hate that the world we live in is so judgmental, both in those we love and from those who know nothing about us. People say and do stupid stuff, everyday. For example, last week when I went to get doughnuts (oh man am I going to miss the weekly Daylight Donut run), the girl who waited on us got our order completely wrong. We did not realize this until we got home. I called, and they told us the next two doughnut orders were on them. So today, when I went to pick up our weekly doughnut run, she kept apologizing and telling us how sorry she was. I responded by saying, "it's okay, we all make mistakes as we are all human." '

Another example: the May after Ryker passed away, there was a memorial at Primary Chilrdren's Medical Center for the families who had lost a child in the last year. We were running late from church, and for some reason the traffic was really bad on Foothill Drive. There was a man riding a bike, all decked out in his wedgie-suit (that's what I call them) and he was actually riding in the lane, and not off to the side. We tried to honk him, but he was being what I term a bum-hole, and would not budge, but would flip us off at every light and laugh at us, blocking our way and making us even later than we were. I remember saying to Mike "if he only knew what we were going to attend, I bet he would not be acting in such a way." But every day, we make judgments and decisions based on a small piece or two of the puzzle people are, without knowing what is happening in their lives. Just today on the news, there was a young boy who brought a bee-bee gun to school, because he wanted to show how tough he was since he was tired of being teased about his leg braces. I cried. We just never know.

So why would I cast a stone when I sin and forget things on a daily basis, or make a hasty and needless judgment? There was an excellent talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf at this last month's LDS General Conference. Here was my favorite part of the talk:

 "The moment we judge someone else, he explained, we condemn ourselves, for none is without sin."


"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?"

I am far from perfect. I try each day to do a little better. So before I get a million calls and comments about my accidental post, just realize that this truly and honestly is no one else's business, and if the judgements of this someday decision are unfavorable, just maybe keep them to yourself. You would not believe the comments that both Mike and receive about any desire to have our family grow other than through adoption (which again, is in the plans as we do love adoption!) and it is down-right hurtful. And I grow tired of just smiling and than going home and crying because of the ignorance to the pain statements like that cause. I realize I say stupid things, like all the time. But I am trying my darndest to be a bit nicer and not so judgmental, as I would want to have the benefit of the doubt. Anyways,  I am off to bed as I am blistered and sore after paintings two rooms today at our new house, and my day is packed full tomorrow with cleaning and washing. So maybe just take this all as trying to be a bit nicer and maybe we all could try to suspend judgement. 

I hope that this post made sense. And sorry for the TMI last night. 

The Fort

What do you when you are packing and washing blankets to be packed away? You use them to build an awesome fort! I have been working hard to be ready for our big move next week, and a lot of my OCD's leak into my moving. Having yummy smelling clean blankets is one of those OCD (I am kind of a laundry freak:) So after they were finished washing, we moved the kitchen table chairs into the living room, and had some fun. Collin and Jacob had so much fun, crawling through the maze of blankets, lounging on pillows, reading books, and playing with toys.

Collin was pretending that it was a bear cave towards the end, and Jacob thought he was quite funny acting like a bear!

But then Curious George came on, and Curious George happens to be Jacob's favorite of the PBS shows. So Jacob was all business watching George and his shenanigans. These two little boys make me so happy. They are just such a funny and happy little duo (not all the time of course) but they sure know how to have fun and are funny little friends. 

Photo-Bomb

 Since my sweet sister-in-law has been asking for pictures (she and her cute family are away in California while my brother-in-law attends Veterinary school) I decided a photo-bomb is in order!

These are pictures of Easter Sunday, while we visited Dad as he had to work at the hospital Easter Sunday (wouldn't it be nice if hospitals only had the need to be open Monday through Friday?)  I love putting my boys in matching outfits, and these were perfect for Easter!

These next few are pictures taken at one of our new favorite family-fun spots, Provo Beach Resort. There is is much fun to be had there, with $1 carousel rides, carnival games, miniature croquet, toddler town (which was super fun for the moms and dads too!) miniature bowling and regular bowling, and for the more ambitious, surfing and boogie boarding! And the ice-cream was awesome! And all for a really cheap price. We will be going back there again for sure!

This was Collin after our fun day. I love when my kids pass out after our family activities ( Mike and I passed out on the couch too immediately after!)

 Collin has a "girlfriend" who works with Mike. She is also in our ward (our church group) and she LOVES Collin. She took Collin for a birthday lunch a few weeks after his birthday, and bought him new jammies and this huge puzzle, which Collin loves putting together.

And as you can see, we are busy (amongst other activities) with moving in less than two weeks, which is shown here by the boxes and mess in the back-round. But I just wanted to show the love Collin and Jacob have for their dog Skip. He gets "loved" on and on, and just takes it all in stride. I do not know what we would do without our Skip. He is one of the smartest dogs I have ever had and he is just loving and protective, all at once.

Collin and Jacob have a bad habit of drinking Diet Coke. Not really, it is actually their Dad who loves the stuff, so he finds it humorous to pose them in pictures with the good stuff and send it to his twin brother and to Grandma and Grandpa G. 

This was Collin's "snow-suit" one day, arm floaties and all. He makes us laugh each and every day.

For Collin's Birthday, he wanted to go to the zoo. Since the weather was in the 50's, we decided to oblige his request. It was a lot of fun, and there were very few people there, so we could see the animals without having to battle the crowds. My favorite was the tiger, sleeping so close to the window, oblivious to the some-what obnoxious family trying to get his attention on the other side of the glass.

It was feeding time for the giraffe's so they were actually really very close to us.  The last time we went, the baby giraffe sadly died the day after. So there are only adult giraffes currently. 

The carousel there is always so much fun too!

Collin can be pretty good at picking on Jacob, but for the most part, they are just the best of friends. Collin was playing in a box one day, and he was trying to pull Jacob up into the box, insisting Jacob wanted to sit by him. So I wanted to take a picture, but Collin would only make silly faces, while Jacob kept saying "cheeeeeesssssseeeee." It was pretty cute.

And Skip kept trying to give them kisses.

And Skip, so ever the good-sport, wearing the skunk-hat Collin kept putting on over and over again. 

This is the underside of the table for our pediatrician's office, and Collin and Jacob had both climbed under, so I snapped a picture. They both love their pediatrician Dr. Glade, and his office is so fun, with fun rooms, and an aquarium with Nemo and friends to boot.

Deep sea explorers!

And my favorite moments, watching my boys sleep after lots of fun. My house may not always be perfect, but we have lots of fun.

So hopefully that appeases the family who are not close (Shell, Chad, and co, and Ben, Erica, and co.) We are going to be crazy these next few weeks, but I will try to update as much as I can. 

life

I still have not gotten a new camera (probably because it kills me to buy another one when ours was so new and in theory kind of works, so I will have to upload the mobile pictures we have taken with our phone!) The semester is so close to being over, and I can not wait to spend the summer with my boys, playing at the parks, enjoying splash pads, making use of our Pass-of-All-Passes (bought for an amazing $9.99 a piece!), swimming, doing some fun projects, and just making lots and lots of memories. We are about 2 1/2 weeks away from moving, which brings such a mix of emotions. It will be a tremendous blessing to be able to put some money away and save, but the drive will not be my favorite. But how the house is set up, and with more spaces to organize, I know it will be better in trying to keep our home more organized and in turn, allowing for the spirit to continually be in our home.

Our religion had their semi-annual General Conference this last weekend, which meant a huge spiritual feast for me. I love conference so much. I love how the talks so often feel like they are written just for me. They always inspire me to be a better person, and do so in a way that is not all Hell and damnation, but done instead so that I feel such love and the desire to do better. I just feel so tremendously blessed to have the belief system that I do, as I cannot imagine how bitter I would be without it.

Collin and Jacob are growing up so quickly. Jacob could technically start nursery this month, but as his immune system is not so great, we will be waiting until warmer weather when RSV and such are not such a threat to his crummy little immune system. I am fairly sure Collin considers himself one of the parents, as he tries to boss mom, dad, Jacob, and anyone else (besides the Grandmas and Papas, and Heather.) He says the funniest little things, that I have no idea where he picked up. The favorite song of the moment for both Jacob and Collin is the BYU fight song. Collin knows just about every word, and Jacob tries to sing along too, while bouncing his arms and legs. I think Jacob will be a conductor someday, as he loves to try to "direct" the music. He loves music so much, and is just a gentle sweet little spirit.

I am still working on the weight loss goal. It is a slow and steady process, but I am vamping up my efforts. One of the huge helps is buying what we call a Bountiful basket every week. It has a ton of fruit and veggies, most of which I use every week and pay a lot for at the grocery store. It has helped me to spend less overall, and eat healthier in turn, while eating a few fruits and veggies I would not normally buy (just an FYI, most of the Bountiful basket are normal food we buy every week, any where from lettuce, tomatoes, asparagus, apples, kiwis, pineapples, mangoes, lemons, etc.) It is definitely something worth looking into, as each basket is only $15.

I think that is enough of an update. I am going to try to update on my getting healthy blog more, since when I blog there I feel more accountable, and work harder to get healthy. 

Since I've Been Gone....

Bedtime/reading time

My happy blue-eyed boy

Collin trying not be tired

Piggy back rides

Collin getting ready for Church on a monday. Creative with the tie, as he found a scrap of fabric and made it work. This kid loves church.

There is your photo bomb. Has it really been two months since I posted? I am sorry. I wish I had taken more pictures, but my camera is broken and until I either fix it or buy a new one, the pictures will become sporatic. I love these pictures. They are of my favorite times of the day, bedtime, and waking up in the morning. My boys are growing up way to fast.

Collin is funny/can drive you nuts all in the same moment. He really tries to help, and sometimes not being able to help or not being able to understand why sometimes can be frustrating. But he loves to "cook", loves to help clear the table, loves to help switch the laundry and bring his sheets and blankets into be washed. I remember reading a flier in our pediatrician's office about having kids start by at least three to help with household chores, and so we have tried to teach Collin (and once Jacob once can walk he will be "helping" too) about household responsibilities. The funniest thing he does right now is singing "I've Got the Moves Like Jagger." He totally says it more like "I've got the boofs like jack" and it just makes me laugh.

Jacob has come along way with the help of kids on the move. He cruises along furniture, crawls and butt-scoots like crazy, can hop on his bum higher than anyone I know, and a friend call him the lion-frog, since he loves to growl and hop. He says "tink-you" an awful lot, finally started calling me momma again ( I was his first word, and than he started calling me dadda) and loves to call any dog he sees "Sip." He loves food, loves his sippy cups, loves his books and toys, and loves to go for rides. He still is very much a momma's boy, and just is a pretty happy guy.

Life is still busy. We are at the halfway point of our semesters and still going strong. We will be moving at the end of the semester, and so that adds to the chaos. I am trying to fit in exercise with everything. I will update about that on my weight-loss blog. Anyways, I think that is about up to date on our life. Just the same old same old.

And after many comments about how to handle comments, I have decided to leave them on. I think the break definitely helped, and helped me to live without the need for validation :)

A Change

Once upon a time, almost exactly 4 years ago, I was very much broken. There were days I would just stay in bed, right until I absolutely had to get up. I was lost in my grief, and after a month of this, I decided to blog. I had been introduced to the concept from our friend Shauntelle as a way to keep her loved ones and  friends informed as their daughter Kaidence (Ryker's next door neighbor at PCMC for 6 weeks) fought for her little life and thought it would be very healing. It most certainly was, and now, some 480 posts later, I am still blogging. I never really did this for any fame or to become rich, although there were times I was offered money from a few companies to place ads on the blog, but I ever really felt like that was the direction I wanted to take my blog in, with a bunch of annoying (we are talking not even remotely cute) ads that would just muddle up what I was trying to say. This was one of my first posts. It was raw, and I was just wanting to express 100% what I felt and why I needed this blog. I needed those comments, needed to feel validated, needed to feel the strength others gave as we grieved our babies, went through the hells of adoption, and than the roller coaster of bringing Jacob into this world.  But as things finally settled down, I received less comments, and it almost made me sad, especially since I did not know what to blog about anymore as we had a miracle in our lives, which meant nearly zero comments. And I know that there are not as many that read this anymore, and that is okay with me. And I am okay with where our little blog is.  After reading this article, I honestly felt like i had been smacked in the stomach with the truth of the article.

So this will be the last post with comments. It is not that I do not like the comments, I just feel I am at the point where I need to ease off the addiction of blogging and the internet. I do not want to look back in ten years and think of the ways I could have spent more time with my boys. You can always contact me by e-mail littleforeverfamily@gmail.com, but forgive me in my lack of posting here as I started back school yesterday and need even more to get off the computer, spend time with my babies and do some homework when I can. Thank-you for the love, for the support, and the many many comments. They really kept us going sometimes, and I would not be where I am without the support they offered. We will still update, as we can, because it helps us to record what our boys are doing. So until later.....

Content With What We Are..........

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I was on Facebook tonight and stumbled across this quote. I want to get up on my soapbox for a few moments, and discuss this. I have never really fit into a group. I went through elementary school always well liked, had friends that were "cool", friends that were not, and I did not care either way. When I moved into Jr. High, I grew boobs, at like the age of 14 (yeah, it sucked for me actually.) So there were boys in my stake that I would flirt with and such, and I had a "boyfriend" for about 1/2 a year (who thank heavens broke up with me, because he was "cheating" on me, more than likely because I either put on a few pounds or he knew I would not put out.) But I had my best friends, had my family, and so I never really felt overly insecure.


 I am way immature, even now, and you know would know that if you knew me, really knew me. I even annoy my husband sometimes, when I am around my family (yeah, we excuse ourselves for being immature by saying we are from west-by-gosh-virginia and did not lean any manners) not that my parents did not try to calm the zoo, we are just a wild bunch. (Case in point, holding siblings down and tickling them until they pee their pants, or having a brother jump in your face and fart. Yeah.) Anyways, I really did not even have an in-secure moment until eleventh grade band camp, when my best friend informed me I was embarrassing (and my sister) which may or may not have had something to do with shooting jello out of my nose and she actually meant it. It still did not faze me too much, just made me realize I probably did not fit in (nor would I) with the cooler band kids. I moved the end of my eleventh grade year to Florida, again had awesome friends, and moved the beginning of my senior year to Utah, and made some amazing friends that I still am best friends with (although the girls that were my age, in my ward, were not accepting or inviting, so I honestly just hung with the younger girls in those situations.)

So although I saw the competition amongst individuals in regards to social standings, I just never really felt the need to get into it. I liked being me, and being the truest me I could, was really all that mattered. And all of that stayed that way until about 4 1/2 years ago, when I came to work where I work now. You see, I work with women. And I work with a lot of them. I always say that the floor I work on (it is a mother/baby floor, yep, lots and lots of women and hormones-a-flying) oozes estrogen. I am always happy to go home to a house of boys after a few days of working. But it is the first time that I have felt the sting of working with women.


 I seriously and honestly feel like it is a constant competition. I had never known that there were so many diets, or so many boob jobs going on, or a competition to see who had the nicer house, or the nicer car, or the nicer trip, etc, etc, etc. And here's the thing, it ALL goes back to this quote. There is something in the Utah/Utah-LDS community that is something like I have never seen. "We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” This need to compete is something I have even seen in both my family and my in-laws. I think we just lose sight of what is important. I know I have. I want to be skinny, want to be healthy and look good, want the cute house, with the perfect little family, want to be successful and take the fun trips and post them to my facebook page. But at what point does all of that begin to get in the way of what matters? Will you or I ever be content in the competition? I am always saying, "when we have this or that, I will be happy." But sometimes, those thing do not happen, or happen in a way we did not plan them to. I know that we are trying for perfection, but I am not sure the perfection we are headed for is the kind that Marjorie Pay Hinkley would be smiling down upon. 

How can I simplify my life? When my husband and I are in school, life is CRAZY! And now that we are not, for the moment, it still seems just as crazy! I know that I am supposed to go to school, but it still makes me stop and think. I feel like I am always trying to prove something. And sadly, that is mostly in dealing with family. I want people to see that I am smart, that Mike is a very hard worker, that my boys are super cute, etc, etc, etc. But I think that etc. is my downfall. Maybe I need to move away from the computer. I know I am addicted to technology. I wish I wasn't. Maybe that is where I can simplify my life. It would mean more time spent with my boys, more time with Mike, more time in my house, and more time doing service. I think I am going to have Mike hide the computer from me, at least until nap time tomorrow, and see how much more I get done. 

Anyways, I hope I did not offend. I am trying to be more honest. I honestly do not like to hurt people. It goes against every instinct in my body to hurt anything or anyone, no matter what they have done to me. I try to forgive, even if someone is not sorry, or does not recognize the hurt they have caused, as I am a very sensitive person (I blame losing my babies, as it has made me even more of a teary soul.) So again, I just want to post this quote. And leave with the goal to be a better mom and wife tomorrow. 

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley