A Change

Once upon a time, almost exactly 4 years ago, I was very much broken. There were days I would just stay in bed, right until I absolutely had to get up. I was lost in my grief, and after a month of this, I decided to blog. I had been introduced to the concept from our friend Shauntelle as a way to keep her loved ones and  friends informed as their daughter Kaidence (Ryker's next door neighbor at PCMC for 6 weeks) fought for her little life and thought it would be very healing. It most certainly was, and now, some 480 posts later, I am still blogging. I never really did this for any fame or to become rich, although there were times I was offered money from a few companies to place ads on the blog, but I ever really felt like that was the direction I wanted to take my blog in, with a bunch of annoying (we are talking not even remotely cute) ads that would just muddle up what I was trying to say. This was one of my first posts. It was raw, and I was just wanting to express 100% what I felt and why I needed this blog. I needed those comments, needed to feel validated, needed to feel the strength others gave as we grieved our babies, went through the hells of adoption, and than the roller coaster of bringing Jacob into this world.  But as things finally settled down, I received less comments, and it almost made me sad, especially since I did not know what to blog about anymore as we had a miracle in our lives, which meant nearly zero comments. And I know that there are not as many that read this anymore, and that is okay with me. And I am okay with where our little blog is.  After reading this article, I honestly felt like i had been smacked in the stomach with the truth of the article.

So this will be the last post with comments. It is not that I do not like the comments, I just feel I am at the point where I need to ease off the addiction of blogging and the internet. I do not want to look back in ten years and think of the ways I could have spent more time with my boys. You can always contact me by e-mail littleforeverfamily@gmail.com, but forgive me in my lack of posting here as I started back school yesterday and need even more to get off the computer, spend time with my babies and do some homework when I can. Thank-you for the love, for the support, and the many many comments. They really kept us going sometimes, and I would not be where I am without the support they offered. We will still update, as we can, because it helps us to record what our boys are doing. So until later.....

Content With What We Are..........

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

I was on Facebook tonight and stumbled across this quote. I want to get up on my soapbox for a few moments, and discuss this. I have never really fit into a group. I went through elementary school always well liked, had friends that were "cool", friends that were not, and I did not care either way. When I moved into Jr. High, I grew boobs, at like the age of 14 (yeah, it sucked for me actually.) So there were boys in my stake that I would flirt with and such, and I had a "boyfriend" for about 1/2 a year (who thank heavens broke up with me, because he was "cheating" on me, more than likely because I either put on a few pounds or he knew I would not put out.) But I had my best friends, had my family, and so I never really felt overly insecure.


 I am way immature, even now, and you know would know that if you knew me, really knew me. I even annoy my husband sometimes, when I am around my family (yeah, we excuse ourselves for being immature by saying we are from west-by-gosh-virginia and did not lean any manners) not that my parents did not try to calm the zoo, we are just a wild bunch. (Case in point, holding siblings down and tickling them until they pee their pants, or having a brother jump in your face and fart. Yeah.) Anyways, I really did not even have an in-secure moment until eleventh grade band camp, when my best friend informed me I was embarrassing (and my sister) which may or may not have had something to do with shooting jello out of my nose and she actually meant it. It still did not faze me too much, just made me realize I probably did not fit in (nor would I) with the cooler band kids. I moved the end of my eleventh grade year to Florida, again had awesome friends, and moved the beginning of my senior year to Utah, and made some amazing friends that I still am best friends with (although the girls that were my age, in my ward, were not accepting or inviting, so I honestly just hung with the younger girls in those situations.)

So although I saw the competition amongst individuals in regards to social standings, I just never really felt the need to get into it. I liked being me, and being the truest me I could, was really all that mattered. And all of that stayed that way until about 4 1/2 years ago, when I came to work where I work now. You see, I work with women. And I work with a lot of them. I always say that the floor I work on (it is a mother/baby floor, yep, lots and lots of women and hormones-a-flying) oozes estrogen. I am always happy to go home to a house of boys after a few days of working. But it is the first time that I have felt the sting of working with women.


 I seriously and honestly feel like it is a constant competition. I had never known that there were so many diets, or so many boob jobs going on, or a competition to see who had the nicer house, or the nicer car, or the nicer trip, etc, etc, etc. And here's the thing, it ALL goes back to this quote. There is something in the Utah/Utah-LDS community that is something like I have never seen. "We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.” This need to compete is something I have even seen in both my family and my in-laws. I think we just lose sight of what is important. I know I have. I want to be skinny, want to be healthy and look good, want the cute house, with the perfect little family, want to be successful and take the fun trips and post them to my facebook page. But at what point does all of that begin to get in the way of what matters? Will you or I ever be content in the competition? I am always saying, "when we have this or that, I will be happy." But sometimes, those thing do not happen, or happen in a way we did not plan them to. I know that we are trying for perfection, but I am not sure the perfection we are headed for is the kind that Marjorie Pay Hinkley would be smiling down upon. 

How can I simplify my life? When my husband and I are in school, life is CRAZY! And now that we are not, for the moment, it still seems just as crazy! I know that I am supposed to go to school, but it still makes me stop and think. I feel like I am always trying to prove something. And sadly, that is mostly in dealing with family. I want people to see that I am smart, that Mike is a very hard worker, that my boys are super cute, etc, etc, etc. But I think that etc. is my downfall. Maybe I need to move away from the computer. I know I am addicted to technology. I wish I wasn't. Maybe that is where I can simplify my life. It would mean more time spent with my boys, more time with Mike, more time in my house, and more time doing service. I think I am going to have Mike hide the computer from me, at least until nap time tomorrow, and see how much more I get done. 

Anyways, I hope I did not offend. I am trying to be more honest. I honestly do not like to hurt people. It goes against every instinct in my body to hurt anything or anyone, no matter what they have done to me. I try to forgive, even if someone is not sorry, or does not recognize the hurt they have caused, as I am a very sensitive person (I blame losing my babies, as it has made me even more of a teary soul.) So again, I just want to post this quote. And leave with the goal to be a better mom and wife tomorrow. 

“We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.”
― Marjorie Pay Hinckley

Friends

Olive and Collin (Collin has since had a haircut, thank the shaggy heavens!)

Her American name is Gift, but her name really is Enobo (that more than likely is the wrong spelling though, sorry, I am not familiar with Nigerian spellings!)

It is interesting in taking these pictures, I do not think African typically smile during pictures, because Tui (the Dad) is the happiest smiliest person, and I could not get him to smile whenever I was taking pictures! Super cute family.

One of my biggest complaints when I moved to Utah is the lack of diversity, specifically in regards to the African American culture. I have lived in Ohio, West Virginia, and Florida, and there has always been a blend of cultures and colors of skin, Florida especially. So when I moved to Utah and saw so much white skin, it was actually quite alarming. I want my boys to see different skin colors, to learn to love and accept regardless of skin color. Utah has a rich culture of Polynesians and Latinos, and of course a dominant caucasian presence. But in the 1500 students at the high school I graduated from, I think we may have had one African American student. It may seem silly that this made me sad, but again, I love diversity. So last month, as I sat in church, I was pleasantly pleased to learn that we had a family move into our ward, that were originally from Nigeria. This cute family is remarkable. I cannot imagine moving thousands of miles, away from family and loved ones, moving to a completely different continent, different culture, with a different language. And the testimony of love that they share is something to behold. We have begun a friendship with this wonderful family that I hope will blossom into them considering us family. And their little girls are two of the most beautiful girls I have seen.

Cute Vera, she is 7 months old!

I am grateful to have this family as neighbors and in our folds as they are wonderful people.

Pictures of the Boys

I realized today I never finished posting the pictures we had taken of the boys this last September. They were too cute to not share. So here they are, in random order :)

The Reason for the Season

 I adore these two boys. They can make me laugh, cry, pull-my-hair-out, yell, laugh and cry some more. Mike and I work 12 hour shifts at the hospital, and so there are no reinforcements walking through the door at 5, as we work until at least 6:30, sometimes 7 for Mike. So patience is something we most definitely have had to learn, since the days we are home these two cute boys are demanding the attention they want and should get. And I love sticking them in matching jammies and clothes, it is just too cute!

I have loved this time of year, more than years past. Collin has been excited about Christmas since August (oh yeah, this kid loves him some Christmas!) I always fancied myself the hard-core Christmas lover, but Collin puts me to shame. How many 2 year olds do you know that knows the words to almost every Christmas song there ever was, or yells at his parents for turning Christmas lights off? (don't worry, sassiness does not get far in our home.) Collin was actually the one who helped me decorate the tree, and string the cranberry/popcorn garland.  *BTW, I am working on the Christmas tree post, so I will post pictures of that later this week! *

Their enthusiasm is just so catching. I am trying to instill in them the real meaning of Christmas. We have two toy set manger scenes, and they are played with both by Collin and Jacob. When you live in such a materialistic society, it is difficult to shun them from what Christmas has become, one filled with people fighting over toys and gadgets and making Christmas all about what you get, not what you give. So I am planning caroling, making goodies for neighbors, and we even get the blessing of sharing our Christmas with another family that is new to this country. That is what makes Christmas, stretching your heart to allow more love in. So while I know this next week will be hard with Ryker's angel day quickly approaching, I will look to the joy we will experience sharing the joy of our Savior, the greatest gift ever, with our sweet guys. And to end this post, I just want to share a sweet little movie. 

Reminds me of my boys. 

Merry Christmas!!!

In a Funk

Have you ever been so happy and so sad all at once? That is me.  I miss Ryker. Every Christmas song is a reminder of my life 4 years ago, and how next year it will be five years. Five Years. Wow. How does that happen? How does that much time pass? How has it been 4 years since I have held him, kissed his little hands and feet, kissed his sweet head. But yet I love this time of year, love seeing the boys so excited, love being yelled at by the almost 3 year old about how he does not like the Christmas lights turned off.

 I think I may have found a way out of my funk this morning. While I was sitting at church, I decided that I am tired of being a Utah Mormon. This is nothing to offend, it is just how it is. I live in a pretty awesome ward. We are well loved and cared for, do not get me wrong by any means. But growing up, my ward was (and they actually still are) my family. You see, living in Ohio, West Virginia, and Florida collectively, we always lived in a ward where most of the people did not have other family close by, so we literally spent most of our holidays with one another. In Utah, most families have family all around. Most do not truly understand what it is like to rely on your ward as you would your family.

So I have decided to become what I once was, a non-Utah Mormon, although living in Utah this time. I want to really get to know my neighbors, have them over for dinners, holidays even, if they are willing. The purpose of our ward is to get to know each other, to love and support each other, and I need to do that better. I tire of the mediocrity. I am tired of selfish thinking. This is the time of year to give, to push yourself out of the comfort zone and live a Christ-like life. Lilly and Ryker taught me to be everything but selfish. They taught me to love, to appreciate the small and simple moments, to give of yourself and love some more. Hence my glee in sharing a Christmas carol or book with my boys, and the reason I am happy to hold my 13 month old as he sleeps in my arms because he wants held during a nap.

We are horrible at sleep training. But I asked this question to a friend: "how can you make a little miracle cry it out?" I think of myself 15 months or so ago. I think that if you had asked me about sleep training I would have laughed at you. We nearly lost Jacob. We came very near to not having sleepless nights and not having sweet Jacob in our home or life. He is incredibly sweet. He covers his ears during any raised voices, is so patient with Collin tormenting him, and just wants loved and snuggled. Even the physical therapist commented on how sweet Jacob is. That scares me. I am scarred. After having two celestial babies, and I need a naughty so they can stay around. So I will take my lack of sleep. Holding a sweet sleeping baby is way better.

Anyways, I need to get back to stringing cranberries and popcorn. I will post a picture of our tree this week, as it is lovely, with lots of sparkly lights and come tomorrow evening ornaments, I am already in love with it (and the divine smell of pine!) And after finals this week and next, we will be hitting our baking list!

To Do in 2012

Can you believe we are just a little over a month from a new year? How will you end out 2011? I know there are some things I would like to do. I would love to do some more service, lose more weight, etc. So in thinking about these goals, I decided it may be good to set some New Years resolutions, and get a jump start during the month of December. So in no particular order:

- lose weight

- completely finish the Jillian Michael's Thirty Day Shred for a full 30 days

- grow an even larger garden with lots of pumpkins

- take a photography class

- possibly take a painting class

- run a 5k

- take goodies randomly to either friends, neighbors, co-workers once a month

- have Perrie over more

- have at least 4 get-togethers at our home

- have a fall harvest party

- paint our living room and dining room

- take my boys to the ocean 

- not let clean loads of laundry stack up

- get A's in all of my classes

- have a girls' night every other month

- spend more time with our families

- have regular family home evenings

- watch less tv/ spend less time on the computer

- be diligent about reading the scriptures as a family

- eat even healthier

- fit into a cute bathing suit 

I think that is a pretty good list. And I know, I may not get to all of them in the next year, but I sure can have fun while trying! 

So what are your goals? What would you like to do in 2012.


Oh, and I had to share this:


"Perfection comes not in this life but in the next life. Don't demand things that are unreasonable. But demand of yourself improvement."-Russel M. Nelson


And than this wonderful movie.