Getting Nervous

I hit 12 weeks this Friday. I have felt immensely better, especially the last week, although I still get sick or feel nauseated in the evenings. Next Wednesday is our next scan, and then subsequent blood test, that will tell us about the trisomies (it is something we have needed to know/rule out with each child.) I am excited to see our baby, see how he or she has grown. But I am becoming nervous. Not really because of that scan, but because of what is coming in the next months. I will have a scan probably 4 weeks after that, and another scan then at 20 weeks, with the fetal echo to follow. It is all moving a bit fast, although the moments where I feel yuck go by slowly.

I needed a hobby/distraction, so I started some plants. I am doing container gardening (I do not want to weed, but just want some fresh fruits/veggies), and it has been really cheap/easy to start, and hopefully I will have extras to share. My boys are excited, and Collin keeps asking if the plants are ready to garden, or at least eat. I need to also start crocheting, because the anxiety/slight craziness is starting to set in. I am terrified, and I know I should be strong and have faith. I do not begrudge Lilly and Ryker, where they are, because I am grateful they no longer suffer, and can still be close as administering angels. But it does not take away the ache and hurt of missing them, of being able to hold them. And it does not take away the absolute fear of what could happen with this little guy or gal. Especially where this is our last, at least biologically.

I am grateful to be feeling a lot better. I am not to 100% yet, as I still get really tired and then usually feel yucky or throw-up (sorry, it's the truth), but it is nice to be able to do some cooking, be able to do baths, and to clean again. I even went and exercised last night, which was huge for me. I also found a friend that needs a home for her piano, so I am looking forward to that, as playing piano is pretty relaxing/healing for me. So I will post again after the scan next week. Hoping to see a growing baby there. 

Life

(And sorry this is all so random, I just like to record the happenings.)

I had a really good day yesterday. I was able to eat some small meals, and keep everything down, but alas, it was only meant for the day. And that's okay, because although today has been horrid payback, it provides hope that maybe there are more days to be where I will not feel sick.

It's so strange the cravings you get while pregnant, even while feeling like you want to throw up. I drove 60 minutes collectively last night, all to hanker a craving. And right now, I would love some watermelon and pizzelles, but I am also trying to stave off throwing up again. Oy vey, at least there is something growing inside that I pray will make every crappy moments worth it.

The other strange craving is wanting to de-clutter. I am not sure if it is the nesting call (I get it all throughout my pregnancy) or that spring is just about here, but it is very much there. I want to go through everything, and just pitch anything unused (besides our boxes of memories.) I want to de-toy, leaving just the basics, and go to just simplicity. It would be nice to not have to worry so much about mess, and enjoy life. I have never been the hoarder that some in my family are, and the itch is very much there to spring away from any winter hoarding.

So an update on Collin: his poor face is so bruised and swollen. We are still putting the ointment on, and dosing him with tylenol and Motrin around the clock, but I can tell it hurts. He has been such a trooper, but really not looking forward to the stitches coming out Monday. Poor guy!

This is my random observation. But as it is a blog to document my family, I feel the need to record it. It is so funny to see how different and yet alike my boys are. I know they look nothing alike, but still, they are brothers. We have had a few times in the last month, where we have been up late, or late getting home. It is interesting to see how hyper and crazy Collin gets when he is tired. It's like a lunatic emerges, and you cannot get him to stop. But if he is about to pass-out, or fall asleep in the car, he is beyond cantankerous, and trying to keep awake will earn you hell (although it is pretty funny, as he mumbles). Jacob on the other hand, when he is tired, he becomes snuggly, and giggly. On our way back home last night from picking up my food craving, I sat in the back, sharing some of the applesauce that had come in my meal with Jacob. Mike was talking to me for a minute, and I was distracted and did not notice Jacob fall asleep. So I woke him up, tickling him. He was all smiles, and even when he was in-between sleep and awake, as we tried to keep him up until we got home, he was giggling, trying to ask to be tickled while dozing off. He just is so sweet and kind.

Mike took the boys to church last Sunday, all alone, as I was home throwing up. They were so well-behaved. Our home teacher came over later, and even remarked as to how well behaved the boys were.   But the sweet part was when the sacrament came around. Mike was seated in the back, and when the tray came, it only had one cup left. Jacob saw this and said, "Collie, you can have it." That is how they are. Collin is at my parent's right now, and when I was talking to my Dad this morning, he told me that they had taken Collin to the toy store, and while he was picking a toy for himself, he asked if he could pick one out for Jacob to. I love that my boys are so considerate of each other. They do things like this quite frequently, and it makes this mom's heart so happy. I love my boys, and I came to another realization this week. If we have another boy, I will be so happy. I will always miss Lilly, and miss the cute things you can only do with a girl, but I sure never thought I could be this happy with a house full of boys. They are sweet, and snuggly, and imaginative, and they just bring an immense amount of happiness to this mom. 

A little excitement

My family often jokes at how much Collin is like me, not in the looks department obviously, but the klutziness/attitude department. Collin, like his Momma, is stubborn, kind, says things that make you shake your head, and seems to do things that land this poor kid in the ER/doctor's office (drinking bottles of liquid tylenol, sticking styrofoam up his nasal passage, somehow managing to slice his forehead on a blunt edge which needed to be glued shut, etc..) So as we were sitting home yesterday, Collin was standing on the couch. I had told him that he needed to get down, and he was climbing down, and somehow stumbled and thwacked the side of his head flat on the top of the coffee table. I was worried about a concussion, and was holding him to me, when I noticed a puddle of blood. I pulled him back, and took him into the kitchen. It seemed like a little cut, so I had him hold a cold wet rag to the his cheek. A few minutes later, I pulled it back, and was horrified to discover the gaping hole. 

I wanted to vomit/pass out, all at once, but thankfully panic/adrenaline kicked in, and I started calling and posting to Facebook. Because the irony of all of this, was that Mike had been pulled to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, and had been pulled from the floor he had first been pulled to, and they could not find him. And he had the car, the car seats, and I did not know what to do. So thankfully a kind neighbor was able to come and grab Jacob, I was able to finally track down Mike, and he was able to come home and drive us to the ER. The nurses were AWESOME with Collin, as was the PA. They would talk to him first, and then to us, and they were even able to get 5 stitches without him having to be sedated. The numbing was not fun, and he freaked out at stitch 4, and subsequently 5, but he recovered awesomely, and was awarded 2 orange popsicles by the amazing nurse Tui.

 I do not have an after picture, as it is tight and swollen today (he was not really wanting pictures), but I will take a picture tomorrow. He will have a narley little scar for awhile (and did you know that you have to be really careful with scars and sunlight the first year after having a scar and stitches? Good thing I am a sun-screen nazi.) He has had some trouble sleeping, so has camped out on his mattress, in our room, for just a few nights. He awoke last night and was hurting quite a bit, so we made the small concession to allow him to pick where he sleeps for two nights. Stitches come out next Monday, and as he is young, and because it is a facial wound, it should heal nicely. Now this picture is not for the faint of heart, so be warned.

And yep, that's a hole, that goes pretty deep, but not all the way through.  Poor kid. 

As for us, we are in survival mode, as I battle the nasty hyper-emesis and Mike has been trying to do it all. I go the 27th to maternal fetal medicine for two tests. One of which is a nuchal translucency, which will measure the skin fold in the baby's neck, which is both a marker for downs and severe heart defects, which is why we are doing it. I will also be having a MaterniT21 blood screening, so that I hopefully will be able to avoid an amnio/CVS. It takes a sample of blood from me, and localizes the DNA from the baby, telling us about the trisomies. Pretty nifty, as this is new technology. So that's pretty much it. 

An Update

I have been in the deep thralls of pregnancy vomiting/nausea. Yeah, I am one of those lucky that get to 100% tell and know that I am pregnant. It's been hard, as I cannot do a whole lot, and Mike has just been amazing and stepped in as both a mom and dad. I am praying this eases off in a few weeks, because throwing up 5-6 times a day (some days more) is really not my thing.

The photo-bomb above are Collin with his two favorite people in the world (outside of the Grandparents and some other lucky relatives) that he likes to call his "bestest friends", Zoe and Owen. Zoe LOVES, LOVES, LOVES Collin. I will have to photograph some of the love notes she sends Collin's way, because they crack me up. Her brother Owen I am sure just finds it annoying, as he rolls his 4-year old eyes with every 6-year old declaration of love she shares, to his best friend. It's really quite funny. We love having them over.

Collin turned 4 last week, and while he can drive us to the edge in some moments, he just really is a funny and caring kid. We can not wait for him to be a big brother again, as I know he is just going to be so soft and sweet with this little baby.

So update on the wee little one. We met with perinatology, and were able to see our little one's heart beat. It was still early at that point, so it was still low at 114 beats per minute. I am going to be having a really cool new test at 11 weeks, where they draw blood from me, and localize the DNA from the baby, and see if there are any trisomies or issues. I have always had to have a CVS or Amnio, which are painful and potentially harmful to the baby (did I mention soooo painful?) It is cool, so we will know around 12-13 weeks what this baby will be. I still say girl most days, and have had a few dreams about a little girl. The strangest was last night, when I delivered the sweetest little girl early, although all was well, and she actually was delivered in the car, so I REALLY hope none of that comes true. Here is a pic from the earlier ultrasound (we had another, but it really was just to hear the heartbeat, which was 147, and the picture is not very clear.)

I will post pictures from Collin's birthday. We are going to have a party when it gets a little warmer. Better late then never, right? 

Just Thinking

My "morning" sickness has set in something fierce. And with a headache that moves to migraines, I just begin to feel useless. I still try to work through it, but it is not always possible. I am grateful though to feel this way, as it probably will be the last time I ever feel this. I have still had my small freak-out moments, but I have this underlying peaceful feeling that all will be well. Not sure if that is what will happen for sure, but the feelings of peace are very much appreciated.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this little baby (who feels like a girl most days, but who knows?) I do not know what is in plan for he or she, but I am just so excited to meet this little baby. I am excited to pull out the baby tub, to cuddle a fresh and clean newborn. I am excited to see this little baby grow, to feel the first movements. I cannot wait to see Collin and Jacob so excited to greet their little sibling, to see them encourage him or her to move, crawl, and walk. Tears of joy spring to my eyes when I envision this little one, but also some bittersweet as this will be the last time I experience this in the biological sense.

I know I may sound crazy, making plans, but if I believe or act like this little one is automatically doomed, I will make myself crazy and will not be able to enjoy these moments. So I just hope. Hope this little one will be okay, hope that we will be able to have a non-eventful pregnancy, and that we will be able to make many, many, many memories with our three little ones. 

A Little Surprise

There is always a story. This is ours. Last week, I had not been feeling well. I chalked it up to the flu that had hit our house. But I started being able to smell EVERYTHING, become a bit more emotional, and my sweet husband started to pick up on all of this. He asked if my monthly friend had visited, and I was realizing that blessed friend had not. I had a really old pregnancy test, so I took it. I checked it a few minutes later, sure it would be negative, but it was not so. Chalking the two lines up to the test being old, I told Mike I thought I might be pregnant, and that I needed to head to the store. Took another one at home, and sure enough, two lines. I started freaking out. Why was I freaking out, besides the obvious history we have had? Well, I was on the pill. Yep, birth control failed us. So now we get to become buddies for a 4th time with our favorite Dr. over at maternal fetal medicine (we go next Friday) and the expected due date is October 6th (although I refuse to have another baby in October, so it will be the last few days in September) but we are such a mix of emotions.

Mike thinks it will be a girl, so do my mother-in-law, my sort of work-mom, my mom, and a few friends. I am not sure, as it changes from day to day. I think I am 60% thinking it will be a girl, but I was wrong with Jacob, but right with Lilly and Ryker. We are just praying, praying, praying that this little baby will be HEALTHY! I have surprisingly a lot of peace about it, which I am not sure stems from the fact that Jacob is here, and that he was okay, or because this baby really is okay, but we are just trying to be optimistic. We will post along the way, and keep you informed. 

Taking a Break

I am sorry for the horrible lack of posts over the last few months. I am in school, teaching joy school in our neighborhood, and the other blends of life that can make things crazy. So this update will sadly not have pictures, but I promise they are coming soon.

We will start with the smallest in our family. Jacob turned two this October. We had a small birthday gathering, and he was in heaven. He is so funny, and has such a silly but yet obedient nature. His language has exploded, but unlike his brother, it is a bit more difficult to decipher what he is saying. He still has his bright blue eyes and crazy blonde hair that goes every which way. He is short and solid (weighing in at 30 pounds) but the more and more he grows, the less and less he is my baby (although my baby he will always be, the same as with Collin.) He loves Collin so much, loves his Momma and Dadda, and Skippy too. He still is drooly and puts everything in his mouth, but I love his ticklish ways and adore having him as part of our family.

Collin is a smart little skunk. He is just a sponge, and I am finding I have to be really careful with what I say. And he remember everything Jacob threw up last night, and he said "mom, Jacob threw-up, just like when I threw up at Heather's. Now mind you, he threw up at my sister's over 4 months ago. And sorry for the gross story, that's just how it is in our house somedays (well really, a lot of days.) Collin has loved being in preschool/joy school, but seems to both like and dislike having it at our house. He said to me last week, "Mom, is preschool at our house again?" I told him it was. He then said "Mom, I do not like it at our house, because I do not want you to be the teacher." I just chuckled.

Mike and I celebrated our 8th anniversary in November. We celebrated by going for a night up to the city. It was so fun, and so very strange to have it just be us. It made me realize that very soon, my boys are going to be big, and it will just be us again. And I know I will long for these days, so I am trying to learn to appreciate them better.

Mike finishes his last pre-req this semester, and then will start nursing school in the fall. We are excited for this, as both he and I both will be done with our degrees in the next 3 years. And with that, I have made a career change. I am going back to school to get my elementary education degree. I have 5 more classes, and I will be done. So next fall, I will be applying for my program, and that could not make me happier.] So I will not be updating a whole lot, as I start this semester into 10 credit hours, one physical class and two on-line. So my time will again be devoted there, and not so much here.

So that is about it. I will upload pictures very soon, but my plans for the next 2 weeks include making lots of memories with my family, and baking and sewing for Christmas (between car problems and tuition, money is a bit tight this year.) So we will relish in the reason for the season, and spend time together. It helps me as I try and try to move further away from the commercialism of Christmas.