A Letter and Explanation

I stumbled upon an amazing blog. It made me cry. It was about one courageous little baby girl, and her 6-7 month fight with liver disease. The funny part about crying is that Collin is just so sympathetic. This is how it usually goes down.

me: sitting on the couch, bawling my eyes out. Jacob in my lap, looking up confused and bewildered,       and concerned, all at one.
Collin: Momma, are you sad?
me: Yes, sweetheart, momma is sad.
Collin: It's okay momma, I kiss it better.

Have I mentioned I love this kid?

But I sent that sweet mom a letter. Because I know better than most what it is like to love and lose, essentially. (I say essentially, because I have lost them for now, and my heart yearns for when the time will come when I can hold the two of them in my arms.) Think about it, imagine those who are near and dear to you. Now imagine having to say goodbye to them, knowing that they are just fine, but not being able to call that person, or text them, or see pictures. I do have my own way of communicating with them, something I would never share here, because not only is it sacred but you all might see me as more nuts than I already come off.

Back to the note though. I wrote to her. It was long. Probably one of the longest e-mails I have ever written or sent. I will publish tomorrow what I wrote her, because it would be the one post to read that has our whole story (mostly, well as close as you can get.)

Did I mention my camera broke for good? Yeah. It's gone. Deciding what to do. I am thinking of going SLR. I think especially since my in-laws just gave us a couch, so now we will not have to buy one in the spring, so I am thinking of going for the nicer camera. We will see. I think it would be marvelous. And maybe I could learn a trick or two and make us money on the side (I am thinking while I am in PA school.) Anyways, I am off. I will be posting "the letter" tomorrow, so come back for that.

Anniversary

I had the awesome opportunity 7 years ago today, of kneeling across from best friend and committing to him to share together the hard times, the good times, the happy moments and sad ones too. We committed to love each other, to hold to each other, and we were sealed together for time and all eternity. Growing up and talking about my religion (I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) to people who were not of my religion were always so drawn to the fact that in every other marriage ceremony, it is always "till death do you part." And not only does our sealing bind my husband and I together, but it binds our children to us. So that if we live the way we should, we will have Lilly and Ryker again to raise. 

It blows my mind that it has been seven years. I can actually remember my parents celebrating their 7th anniversary (I was 5 and I actually have a pretty amazing memory that way.) We have been through 3 very scary pregnancies and deliveries, 1 very nerve-racking adoptions, what feels like countless semesters of school, the scary weeks and months worrying about money (I am not sure that will ever come to end, maybe if I inherit a couple of million!) and we still are so in love. Mike puts up with a lot. I swear quite often (I do try not to, I promise.) He puts up with my rants and fits. Even puts up with my bouts of road rage (I am not usually driving, I just do not have a strong liking to Utah drivers.) And I feel so grateful to have him. He is a wonderful father, an incredible husband, and such a hard worker. We are from perfect, but together, we offer such a wonderful balance. I look forward to many more years together with my best friend. He just makes me so happy. So honey, happy 7th anniversary. Thank-goodness for no 7-year itches here!

"Its My Turn Momma"

We have a little independent soul in our house. Most kids say "I do it" but Collin's phrase is "its my turn." Brushing teeth, picking out books, eating dinner, washing hair, getting dressed, even picking up toys at times. Collin has always a more independent little boy, much more so than our snuggler Jacob, but it makes me sad and happy all at once. I was thinking today, before I know it, Collin and Jacob will be starting school, than graduating, going on missions, and than getting married with families of their own. And it made me sad. I love my boys. I always worry without having girls in the house, will Mike and I be alone for the holidays some day? I see it with one of Mike's aunt and uncle and it makes me sad. I hope i can be the kind of mom that makes my boys want to come home for the holidays. 

My Boys

I wish my computer had not crashed this last summer, because man do I miss my photoshop. (I now have a Mac, which is not compatible with the version of photoshop I own.) We were supposed to take family pictures in September, but we did not realize that Mike's schedule changed the same weekend we had them scheduled. So I am hoping in the spring to have family pictures taken (I love outside pictures and it is currently very cold in Utah.) But Mike has a cousin that likes to dabble in photography, and she took some really cute pictures of the boys.

Collin is now 3 months away from turning 3. I cannot believe this funny spunky little boy has been in our lives this long. Time just truly flies by. He now is potty trained (except at night and naps, although usually stays dry most of the night and even during naps) which makes us the happiest parents as two bottoms in diapers gets expensive! He ran around half naked for about 6-7 months while we were home, and it just clicked with him. We still give him small treats for number 2, but he is just so good to let is know.

He loves TV a bit too much, a bad habit he picked up last year when I was on bedrest. But he LOVES books probably more, and is always bringing us books to read to him. He is obsessed with Christmas, much to Mike's dismay and loves to listen to and sing Christmas songs, has a pretty decent "ho, ho, ho" and thinks Santa is pretty cool.

Collin is incredibly spunky. This morning, I went out the garage to get his shoes out of the car. He was standing at the door saying "no momma, its cold, come inside, you need your coat, you will get sick, come inside right now." Hmmm, apparently he is more perceptive than I thought. He still ha not sworn, which if you knew me, and my *cough* occasional shit, damn, or hell *cough* is pretty miraculous.

He has the most darling dimples, and when I get him ready for church on Sunday, he tells me "momma, I's handsome." He loves Jacob, and they both get so excited to see each other. Oddly enough, Collin is incredibly sweet to other children. The reason I find this somewhat odd is that he and his cousin Tatum fight, all. The. Time. They love each other, but after the novelty of being together wears off, it is like they could be brothers. But in nursery and with other kids, he is always sharing his snacks and toys.

On to Jacob. Jacob is incredibly sweet. He is so sweet and cuddly sometimes it scares me (I have a constant worry since Lilly  and Ryker were so sweet that it seems like the cute sweet kind of spirits are the celestial variety and I don't ever want to lose another one of my children.) He wants to be held, something Collin did not like after he was about 6-7 months and so mobile. He is doing better at sleeping through the night, but still has nights where that does not happen.

In regards to development, Jacob is kind of mixed. He has great fine motor skills (those necessary to grasp little things) but his gross motor skills are behind. He rolls around, is becoming a pretty good butt-scooter, gets up and rock while he is on his hands and knees, can stand while somewhat supported, but that is where it ends. We are supposed to be getting an evaluation from Kids-on-the-Move but it has not happened yet. He loves to clap, will cover his eyes and play peek-a-boo with you, gives us kisses, and than wants to be snuggled some more. You would swear he was still breastfeeding as he is the biggest Momma's boy I know. He is happy, love to giggle and be tickled, and thinks that bath time is the bee's knees. We love him and he is just the sweetest happiest little addition in our family.

We are heading into the end of the semester for both Mike and I, so you may not see a post for another month, as the blessed Holiday season is upon us. Plus, Mike and I are celebrating our 7th anniversary next week (where did those years go) so I want to wish each and every one of you a Happy Thanksgiving. I am so very grateful for my family and all that they bless me with.

*And if you are wanting an invite the fitness blog, leave me a message with your e-mail. I do not publish any e-mail, BTW!


Jacob loves to eat.

A Fresh Start

I have been secretly writing a blog about my weight loss. It is true, it is real, and currently it is private. I have not had the guts to share it with anyone.  While that makes me feel safe, it also makes me feel frustrated as I can not share the good news. I started the blog when I was considering trying out for The Biggest Loser. So I am considering opening it to a select few. Like I said with my last post, I am not even sure that anyone reads this blog as I do not update very regularly. If you would like to read the blog (and the pictures are not pretty people!) leave your e-mail address. I probably will not invite everyone, because there are some people who do not understand what it is like to deal with real weight issues, so if you do not get an invite, please do no feel offended. This is hard to share this. But this journey is real.

And oh, I have even more of a reason to lose some weight. We are vacationing this next year, probably in the Western Caribbean (if we do not decide to go somewhere else with our littles!) and so that means me being in a swimsuit. So it is do or die!

Did You Miss Us?

I would be amazed if anyone still reads this, as I basically left most people high and dry. And when it has been awhile between posts, I start to wonder why I keep up with it, as there are so many other blogs out there. But since I do not write for others, but as a record to my children that we do love them and we do try our best (that sort of feeling gets sketchy as little people turn into yucky teenagers) I continue to post.

There are a lot of pictures that you are about to be bombed with. Guess what? I finally found my camera. Yeah, it sadly went missing for awhile. So some of these are older, but still need to be shared.

Love these chubby little thighs! This was from early this summer. And I love those eyes!

We spent many an afternoon at the splash pads this summer. I miss those days, as it is already cold here in Utah! I would spend the time with my sister, her two little ones, and one of my best friends, Abby and her little guy. The three two year olds would run around while the moms would do their best to keep the two babies in the shade. It was a lovely way to pass the days!

 Oh yes, the notorious baby lotion pictures. I think these were from back in May. This is what a 10 minute shower will get you. And no, the culprit was not Jacob. It was actually Collin, Jacob just offered his help in eating and smearing!

This handsome guy already knows he is handsome. He tells us all the time. "Momma, I's handsome" And he likes older girls. That's right, this little 2 1/2 year old would hang out with the 9-11 year old girls at the splash pad. They thought he was funny and cute. We are in so much trouble!

 These are some of my favorite pictures. Mike had a really bad migraine on my birthday. It finally alleviated enough to be able to spend the day in one of my favorite ways: picking out pumpkins for our little porch! This patch had some pumpkins with personality too. 

 And last but not least, we had Jacob's (who actually shared with Collin)  on year birthday party. This cake was 6 layers of cake, with buttercream frosting inbetween (yummy!) in yellows and oranges. It looked amazing when cut! 

 You will have to zoom in on this picture to see the beautiful colors of the cake. The party was a fall party. We had pumpkins galore, straw bales, yummy soups and rolls, lemonade, a delicious fruit salad, and of course, the cake. There were activities for the kids, a bean bag toss, a mix of tables and chairs with different quilts laid about, and lots of friends and family to help us celebrate. The pictures I have are thanks to a friend. I am sooo not very good at making sure we get the pictures. 

Jacob the Skunk, Suzie the owl, Khloe the butterfly, Collin the pirate, and Tatum the pumpkin! It is quite funny that Collin is the only non-blonde of the nieces and nephews.  

These are some of the pictures we took of the boys. I have not touched them all up, and there are even more that are so cute. I love my boys!

Overall, we have been just busy and happy. It is very much an emotional roller-coaster. This year was hard. My niece had her very first friend birthday party in celebration of her turning 5. This will always be bittersweet. i love seeing her grow up, but it hurts because Lilly would have been there (and maybe even was). She would be starting kindergarten next year. But than if we had not lost her, or Ryker, we would not have Collin. 

Ryker would have turned 4 on the 27th. It was a hard day. For three days, I would just cry. I think the reason it hurts so much is that even though our minds say we are fine, our spirit's weep. They weep for the loss, and the hurt in our hearts.

So Happy Belated Birthday Sweet Ryker. We love you. We miss you. Help get your heart cousin buddy out of Primary's and home (if you could keep our niece Gracie in your prayers, and her sweet family, that would be awesome. She was readmitted yesterday as one little sick girl.)

Well, that is it for now. Off to do some more homework, and to go work some more on my little guy's busy books. So excited for the hoildays!

Here.

Here I am, writing once again. My heart has not been in it. Nor my mind. I just think "why would anyone want to read what I am writing?" It is nothing earth-shattering, or shocking, so I just have not been able to get my heart in it. Jacob is turning one tomorrow. Lilly would have been 5 yesterday. So I will make this short, and post again tomorrow as I have fall break. 

Happy birthday sweet baby. Thank-you for making me a mom, for giving me 5 amazing weeks to share with you. I loved every minute of it. And the pictures of adoration radiating from your dad, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles, just are priceless. We miss you more than words could comrpehend, but know that you were just to much for this world, to perfect to have to see or face the ugly that this world seems to show all to often. Thank-you for allowing us to know you. We love you 

baby girl.