Under Construction

Forgive the oddness of everything, this blog is currently under construction. Adding a new little one requires some changes around here, especially for the blog. So bear with us!

It's Party Time!!!

I love birthdays. I am a firm believer in the birthday month idea, although Mike has weaned me down to about a week. Cute Collin is turning two next week, so the presents and fun has already started. This kid can literally drive me nuts and make me want to smother him with love all at once (typical two year old, right?) On Wednesday Mike called me at work and told me a cute and funny story. He woke up at 8 am and did not hear Collin. So at 8:30 he went in, and Collin was sitting in his bed, looking at his books. He looks up at Mike and says "oh, hi." I mean seriously, how cute is that?

He loves our new house, and is always asking to go home when we are out. He adores his family, and is learning all of their names. He already learned three new names this week, and he is always asking to go and visit Grandma, Grandpa, Meggie (which includes Perrie) Heather, Cody, Tatum, Abby, Kat, Mimi, Gracie, and the dogs. he just learned Cody, Abby, and Courtney this week. I have been working on him with Jim, Jason, Deanna now, and we will move on from there.  We are doing a Curious George party with our families next week. Everyone says that terrible twos are terrible but I think the 15-22 month period was hard because of Collin not being able to communicate like he can now. Anyways, I am off to explore cupcake recipes. I am thinking key lime cupcakes and some peanut butter chocolate cupcakes too. I am working on the two year post for Collin and the four month old update on Jacob. These little guys are just growing way too fast for my liking!

Me

Who am I? I am Emily. I hail from a couple states, growing up mostly in West-by-gosh-Virginia and moving to Utah my senior year of high school. I miss West Virginia's beauty and the falls/springs (truly all the seasons!) I have been married for a little over 6 years. I have four amazing children, Lilly (who is our first angel living a sweet 5 weeks) Ryker, our heart hero/angel, who lived 7 weeks after passing away from Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, Collin, our adoption miracle, and Jacob, our miracle baby who overcame Hydrops and a small heart defect that was repaired at 6 days of age.

I love my family, although I can be the moody emotional one in both sides (something I am constantly asking forgiveness for.) I wear my heart and feelings on my sleeves (note the plural) and can be one of the most sarcastic people you know. I sometimes say stupid, stupid things (I seem to always manage to get my wide foot stuck in my mouth) but I care so much for those around me. I work with new moms and babies, something I love, and I love being with my dear friends and family (although it makes me sad when I do not get to see them or be with them. :(  ) I am loud, I love to laugh, love good food or anything dairy/carb related, hate to exercise (hate, hate, hate it!!!) But I need to as I just had a baby 3-4 months ago and well, yikes!!!

I love to craft and although I should sell my things on Etsy, I would much rather give it away as that is who I am, a giver. I have a hard time with others being selfish, as though I may have my moments, that happens to be a strength of mine of being unselfish. I love my best friend more than words could express and it makes me cry to ever think about living without him, and I would love to travel. I wish I lived near the beach (darn you Utah!!!) and try to persuade my said husband in taking me to a coast of some sort so that I can enjoy the beach. I love parties (and am thrilled to be in a house large enough to have people over finally) and will someday return to school to finish, but that dream will come true once my sweet babes are in school as they are little for a short while.

So there you have it, moody, crafty, loving, unselfish, giving beachy, loves food, hate exercising, love the kids/husband, misses the East coast, and enjoys being surrounded by family and friends (especially the besties, sisters, and angel mommas!!!)

I'm Back.....

I know, I know. My heart has not been in blogging. I have been talking to a friend lately, and she expressed how this blog was very much like your favorite dramatic TV show, comparable to ER or something. And there was so much drama and so much sitting on the edge of your seat and wondering what would happen (with Jacob) but than there was this awesome series finale of good news and it was over. Jacob was here, he was healthy, he came home *smile and sigh.* The End. I lost time to blog, and truly I did not want to blog because I felt like whatever I would spew out from here would be insignificant after such a tremendous significant life-changing experience.

But than today, after chewing on this, I realized some thing. How many people get to raise or have so many miracles in their lives? And what I have here on earth are two freaking miracles for two very different reasons. And life still has it's ups and downs, and that is something to blog about, right???

So I start again. I will start the new chapter in my life and blogging, of being the mom of four amazing babes and two special little guys that although sometimes have me pulling hair at times, I could not imagine being anything else but their mom. So here's a few pictures to start this new chapter of my life and blogging with. I will sign off but I will post soon, as I have much to share and catch up on!

 We lost this camera a year ago but found it right before moving. Collin had gotten himself into sour cream. If I only knew this was a mere glimpse into the craziness of this little boy!!! 

 Jake's Three month pic. He has grown so much since than. Still has his curly goldilocks.

 My boys. (Ignore the mess, we were moving. But really even if we were not, 

there would probably still be a mess :)

 Collin is going to be two in a few weeks. I cannot believe how fast he has grown.

Tata for now, I will be back soon!!!

Jacob's Baby Blessing

I am a lame blogger. I should be sorry I suppose, but really, with two boys that have been fighting colds and well everything with the holidays, I was just busy. I think if I had to write a caption for all of these pictures, it would be "the album of funny faces." This obviously was Jacob's baby blessing. It was a wonderful day. With Lilly and Ryker, they were blessed in the hospital, so it is a tremendous blessing to be able to bless them surrounded by friends and family. He slept right through it. This was right before a growth spurt and so he was even more quiet and peaceful than usual. This was a day for happy tears. I know Lilly and Ryker were near and watch over them family and keep us safe. I love my children and am so grateful to be their mom.

I have a few posts in the works, and I will do my best to publish them in a timely manner, but we are moving the nest two weeks and so I am busy cleaning and packing. We will have a lot more space, a big fenced in yard, and just space to enjoy our family. So once things get settled, I promise to be a better blogger!!!

Some of My Favorite Things

I have been browsing the internet lately,  finding some REALLY cool baby items that I wish I had or had known about the first go around. So hence my keyboard has needed some drool wiped off. I wish I were Oprah, or just even a really cool blogger so that I could give the items away. But since we are doing the whole fun school thing, these will be wishes.

My first favorite is the coolest baby bathtub I have ever seen. I want one and wish I had known about it long before I bought my big bulky bath tub (although cute) from Fisher Price. Mine takes up a ton of space. You have to click on the link and watch the short clip. I do not think I would ever buy another bath tub again (we are using the one from when Collin was a wee one!) Here is the link. It is called a Puj Baby Bath Tub.

I think that as a parent your first child is sadly the experimental child. So naturally there were some things we did with Collin that worked and some things that did not. One of the hardest parts of being a mom to two little boys is trying to have a free arm/hand (or even two!) so that I can bond with my boys and get things done around the house. Because having Collin is like living with an adorable dimpled tornado, and the after math is UGLY! So I finally broke down and got a sling. It is so amazing to be able to cuddle Jacob while spending time with Collin or picking up.

This can be worn with an infant, an older baby in front or at the hip, and even on the back (once babe is stronger and bigger.) I have done a lot of reading and I find myself agreeing with a lot of Dr. Sears ideas. I think that someday when we have our fifth (still get a kick out of saying I have four children and am only 27!) that I will be an even better mommy. This is the Comfy Joey Sling, and I got it for a steal!

My third and final item is an idea I love. And although I think that this is a genius idea, the price is a little steep for me right now. But if I ever had $10-20 to blow, it might be this way. As a mom, I am ever worried about the way I interact with the environment. And I know how wasteful plastic baggies are. So in comes this genius idea. These are Itzy Ritzy lunch bags. These bags have a fabric out layer and a PVC free and soft BPA free inner lining. They are FDA approved bag for snacks, fruit, sandwiches, school lunches, mini first aid kits, electronics, toiletries & more, and are also machine washable. I think that when Collin starts school, these will something we will need to invest in, because like I said, plastic baggies are wasteful and end up costing quite a bit in the end.

As for an update on my little family, I will be posting soon some pictures of Christmas and the fun we had enjoying our sweet little family. Jacob is 10 1/2 pounds, and although kind of tiny for a two month old, is just perfect for a baby born 4 weeks early with a heart condition. He is spot on with everything when we go by his due date. So until than, so long! (Can you tell I have been watching The Sound of Music???)

I know, I've Been Away.

My heart has not been in blogging. I have been spending my days with my boys, enjoying the holiday season and making memories with them.. Ryker passed away three years ago yesterday. What started as such a glorious and wonderful day quickly turned to something only nightmares hold, but than turned back to one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. This is not for the faint of heart, as most of these pictures are after Ryker has passed.

We went up to Primary's in the hope of having Ryker's breathing tube removed, a step necessary to bring our baby home. And as I sit and type this, I stare over at my sleeping 8 week old and see so much of his brother in him. We were very hopeful that day, and Ryker did so well . Because I had gone back to work the night before he passed, I had to leave him about 40 minutes after he was extubated to eat and pump, although I never did pump again. I still remember feeling the need to get back to Ryker's side and forgoing comfort for a little while to be by his side. I remember talking with our friends (and actually distant cousins 4 generations back) that shared our same last name and also had a little boy with HLHS. I remember seeing the commotion of an intubation cart going by and a nurse telling us that he thought they were going to re-intubate Ryker. I remember standing outside Ryker's door, watching them place him back on the ventilator, crying tears of frustration that we were taking such a big step back. I remember watching the monitor, and seeing our son's normal oxygen saturation level of 75-85 drop, going down, down, down. I quickly picked up the phone, feeling inspired to call our parents to tell them to drive quickly up there, something did not seem right. I watched the monitor again as the numbers went to 70, then 65, 60, 55, 50 and holding at 45-50 for a while. I remember watching while nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and many others rushed around. I remember calling our parents again to plead to them to please please hurry up.

I remember making the phone call to my supervisor at work, telling her that I would not be coming into work that night. I remember her asking me if everything was all right, and telling her that no, I think we were losing our little boy and hearing her sob into the phone. I now remember a sweet friend from work oblivious to what we were going through right than calling to see how everything was and telling her that I thought we were going to have to say goodbye to our son. And at this point, my heart broke. I watched a tech pull the crash cart up to his room, and when I peeked into the room and saw them doing chest compressions. I cried out, right there in the middle of the PICU, "No! Why? Why???" And I remember the kindness of another heart mom bringing me soft tissues and hugging me. It blurs than. I know our parents arrived. I know we talked to many doctors and nurses. My next memory is of seeing the ECMO machine wheeled down to our tiny son's room, with the ECMO tech standing by to help save our son's life. I remember looking again at the monitor and seeing 19-20 % for our baby's saturations. I remember Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Yetman coming to talk to us, telling us that they did know why this was happening, but that it was. And I remember Dr. Hawkins asking us if we wanted him to try to place our son on ECMO, and Mike and I, without a word to each other, telling him no. We were going to be saying goodbye to our son.

I remember them placing a butterfly sign outside our room. I remember that dear heart mom taking her CD player and placing it in our room with children's hymns playing so sweetly. I recall most of our siblings arriving, as we lovingly removed unnecessary lines and had our sweet son blessed, blessed with a name and blessed to be released from his earthly mission that he so valiantly fought.

I remember them putting two rocking chairs in the room, and asking them to switch them for a small couch, so that our infant son could be held by his mom and dad when he passed. And than telling the doctor to stop the epinephrine, and than cleaning up my baby and wrapping him in a blanket. I sat down with Mike, as the nurse brought our baby to our arms. I told him how proud I was of him, how grateful I was to be his mom. I kissed his head, as his dad told him of our love and admiration for him. We kissed him goodbye, and our hearts again broke. He was gone. Our family took turns holding him. I remember standing by his bed when I felt Ryker's spirit return to the room. Ryker was no longer constricted to the bands of his broken body. And I remember recognizing that it was not the spirit of an infant, but that of a young man and being grateful for that. 

We held and loved our sweet boy, and after a while we knew it was time to go, to say goodbye. That was one of the hardest things I have done, leaving my baby for the nurse to wash and take to the morgue. Right up there with driving Lilly to the funeral home and leaving her. 

It is interesting writing this. It is painful and therapeutic, and so many memories of Ryker's life mesh with Jacob's. We were healed a bit in having Jacob. We had many of those who took care of Ryker take care of Jacob. The ECMO tech worked in the bedside beside Jacob many days we were there on a sick little newborn girl. I asked him if he remembered us. He said he did. 

Collin gave us the hope necessary to live, to learn to love and trust again. Jacob has healed our broken hearts, has helped to make that emptiness not so empty. When you lose a child, you lose piece of your heart. Our two children since have made our hearts larger, and pushed a little bit of that empty space closed. It will always be there, for we have loved and had to say goodbye. May we live a life that would be pleasing to our sweet angel children is our hope. 

We are blessing Jacob this Sunday. Ironically, it is the three year mark of Ryker's funeral. And we will again be in our church, but this time for something much more joyous. We miss you Ryker. And we miss you Lilly. We are grateful to have had you the short while we were able to have you. We love you but we know that when we meet again someday, how sweet the reunion will be.